please do not judge, asking for advice

24

Replies

  • penniemh
    penniemh Posts: 124 Member
    Get a female trainer. Explain "as great as you are, only another woman can truly understand where I'm at, as a woman." or some such...Under NO circumstances tell your husband you are crushing on his friend...that's a recipe for disaster.
  • paintlisapurple
    paintlisapurple Posts: 982 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated
    You could say you think you might feel more comfortable with a female trainer? Can't think of anything else right now sorry

    This is what I was going to suggest.
    Good luck!
  • tgeiger777
    tgeiger777 Posts: 8 Member
    I agree, time for a new trainer. Maybe its just the attention from someone new or that fact that you have working out in common but still, marriage is more important. I would get a new trainer. I would also talk to my husband and tell him I need more words of affirmation from him. He doesnt need to know about your "crush" just that you want him to reaffirm your efforts.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
    Is the temptation that strong or is it really just a crush?
    If it is as simple as a crush and you trust you won't actually try and make a move on your husband's friend then I don't see the problem. If it really is more than that you need to find a new trainer and figure out what is lacking in your own marriage that you are seeking something outside of it. Are you having sex enough? Do you communicate enough? Lacking intimacy? Is your husband out of shape but now that you are looking hot a part of you is repulsed by him?
  • mbajrami
    mbajrami Posts: 636 Member
    its not a gym membership, its just a group of friends working out together, he is taking time out to help us (sometimes my husband goes, sometimes not) very tough situation for me really.

    Join a gym or start working out on your own. I'm sure in this time you have learned enough to keep your weight loss/exercise program going.
  • katarinakr
    katarinakr Posts: 14
    New trainer. Now. Don't let this get in the way of your promise to your husband, to you and your family...
  • Lovestoscrapbook
    Lovestoscrapbook Posts: 295 Member
    In psychoanalysis, this is called transference where emotions, desires and attitudes are redirected to the person who is providing assistance (usually the psychologist, etc. but in this case your trainer). So it's not unusual that this occurs - this person has helped you lose weight and feel better about yourself. It is normal that you would associate those happy feelings with him - but doing so will cause you problems (as you have already recognized). Find a female trainer to assist you to continue your weight loss. Understanding that your emotions towards the trainer may cause problems is the first step in recognizing that you need to fix the situation before it truly becomes a problem. Trainers are professionals - as long as he knows that you are not leaving because of dissatisfaction with his services, it is OK. People change trainers all the time for many different reasons.

    In your case, this is absolutely necessary..
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    Is the temptation that strong or is it really just a crush?
    If it is as simple as a crush and you trust you won't actually try and make a move on your husband's friend then I don't see the problem. If it really is more than that you need to find a new trainer and figure out what is lacking in your own marriage that you are seeking something outside of it. Are you having sex enough? Do you communicate enough? Lacking intimacy? Is your husband out of shape but now that you are looking hot a part of you is repulsed by him?

    This i would rather not get into
  • knittingwitch
    knittingwitch Posts: 231 Member
    well flirting and having crushes are no big thing, if your wanting to act on it that is a problem. Other than that crushes come and go chances are one of these days he will do some thing to put you off for good. Until then start thinking about your crush as you have admiration for him and not wanting to sleep with him.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Can't, cut it.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    Tell him you feel a little awkward since he's just a close friend with you and your husband, and you think you'd be more comfortable all around with someone else. A good trainer should understand the issues that come with body image and contact and everything.

    Good on you for recognizing this and respecting your husband and your marriage enough to do something about it.
  • gauchogirl
    gauchogirl Posts: 467 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated

    I greatly appreciate all that you've done to help me, but I feel it's time for me to move in a different direction. I've found another trainer that can do (insert suggestion here). Thank you again for all of your help, it's nothing about your style or program, I just feel right now I have to move in this direction.

    A nice thank you card with a little gift card or something and that should help with the clean break!

    What is listed above is great, but I also think because you're a woman it's a good time to pull the "more comfortable with a female trainer" line. Even though it's not true, most men won't delve further when you bring up anything "female" related...like asking for a female doctor.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
    And he didn't lose the weight for you, you did. You can do it with another program and trainer.
  • ldalbello
    ldalbello Posts: 207 Member
    How old are you ? I'm guessing a teenager.
  • rob1976
    rob1976 Posts: 1,328 Member
    Claim "conflict of interest"
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    Trust me, cheating would not be an issue, there is no interest on his part.

    Even if there is no interest on his part, anything you might do to feed the crush (emotional affair) will have a lasting and negative impact on you marriage.

    Agreed!
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
    Is the temptation that strong or is it really just a crush?
    If it is as simple as a crush and you trust you won't actually try and make a move on your husband's friend then I don't see the problem. If it really is more than that you need to find a new trainer and figure out what is lacking in your own marriage that you are seeking something outside of it. Are you having sex enough? Do you communicate enough? Lacking intimacy? Is your husband out of shape but now that you are looking hot a part of you is repulsed by him?

    This i would rather not get into

    Well you certainly don't have to answer to me or anyone on here, but they're good questions to ask yourself.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    That's a tough call. Some crushes, you can put your feelings aside. Other crushes, even distance won't help. You have to decide for yourself what kind of crush this is. If you really feel like you can 't put away these feelings, then you have to quit this program.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Okay.. wait wait.

    First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?

    Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.

    Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.

    Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.


    Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.

    Good luck.

    I agree with this. Also, I think it would help if you revved up your sex life with your husband. You are feeling sexier and have all these healthy hormones and neurotransmitters rushing through your system. Direct that into getting adventurous and explorational with your husband. That will be exciting. And the sex will be even better with your new healthy self. You will feel "young again".
  • txdahl
    txdahl Posts: 107 Member
    Trust me, cheating would not be an issue, there is no interest on his part.


    Cheating does not have to be physical, the fact that you are reaching out means you might already understand that. I am not judging because I have been there. Get a new trainer or join a gym then look at your marriage and see if there is something that might be lacking. Sometimes you just need to renew that spark.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    i'm sure it's not a real crush. guy is motivating you, helping you get in shape, talking to you like a normal person, and not hitting on you or anything. so you just kinda like him a little. it will pass.

    or just bang him.
  • Hgdlrd
    Hgdlrd Posts: 8
    I hear u and not judging. I believe in marriage and if something is attracting u to someone else then u owe it to yourself, your husband and children, if have any to take a good long look at it, everyone I believe feels this way sometime in their lives, you r in a good place right now with the weight loss, and ur friend/ trainer maybe telling u how good u are looking, if it's that strong perhaps talking to your pastor may help. Don't let it get the best of you, if u truly love ur husband, don't jepordize ur family for something that doesn't exist.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    I know i should change trainers (yes, thought about it many times) I also feel that i am going to loose in this situation. why because he is a friend, he's my husbands friend, we are close to the family too.
  • Tooty754
    Tooty754 Posts: 1
    Could you just make the decision that you're ready to take off on your own and say that you want to save some money by not having a trainer? Then give it your best. If you find out later that you still need a trainer, find a female one or one you do not find the least bit attractive. I will say a prayer for you. :)
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated

    You don't need an excuse. You hired him to perform a job and now that job is over.
    **This** - get a new trainer stat!
  • destinykymm
    destinykymm Posts: 4
    Okay.. wait wait.

    First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?

    Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.

    Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.

    Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.


    Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.

    Good luck.

    Couldn't have said it better myself
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    I know i should change trainers (yes, thought about it many times) I also feel that i am going to loose in this situation. why because he is a friend, he's my husbands friend, we are close to the family too.
    Just tell him you want to try a female trainer to get her perspective. If he is any good he will understand.
  • paddygirl43
    paddygirl43 Posts: 11
    I agree with the rest. Get yourself a new trainer, that is the best advice that you should listen to. The trainer is your hubby's friend, he will tell it, and then you have just hurt your hubby. For what? A one night stand!!! The trainer is making you feel good and special, that is his job. So just forget your crush and get you a new trainer. You and your hubby and your marriage is worth it.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    Could you just make the decision that you're ready to take off on your own and say that you want to save some money by not having a trainer? Then give it your best. If you find out later that you still need a trainer, find a female one or one you do not find the least bit attractive. I will say a prayer for you. :)

    thank you very much.
  • VAnnMom
    VAnnMom Posts: 3 Member
    Sometimes we can get caught off guard because we think we are in control of day to day situations. We are all human and therefore we all have weaknesses. Your marriage is not worth the risk. Build a fortress around it and treasure it. Don't let any distraction (no matter how small it seems) get in the way. A new trainer will allow you to continue your journey to a healthier you while creating distance between you and your husband's friend. Now I do not claim to be a relationship expert. I've been married almost 14 yrs and my husband & I have had our ups and downs but I will tell you this-- now will be a good time to analyze what started the crush. It may be the simple fact that you and your trainer share a similar passion right now - fitness. It may seem to you that you are getting "special attention" from your trainer who seems to share an interest that your husband may not be a part of. If that's the case, talk to your husband about some passions that you and he may share (recreational or whatever) and work on spending more time together sharing those mutual interests.

    Sorry if this seems too wordy but I am an advocate for strong marriages. I am in your corner and will definitely be rooting for you!

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