please do not judge, asking for advice
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Okay, he is training several of your friends including your husband sometimes. He is a friend of your husband and family so you see him outside the gym sometimes in social situations I'm assuming. He's good looking and gives you encouragement. These are the facts of the situation. Are they not?
Then it is simple. Don't see him in social situations without your husband and make a point to flirt with your husband. Men respond to this in a big way especially if they know your going home with them. You'll find your marriage life will improve and your crush will transfer back to your hubby where it belongs.
Oh, Don't work out with him as a trainer unless your husband goes with you. Let your husband know that it'll turn you on if you hear him cheering you on and let him know that you will do the same for him. Then do it. let your husband know when he's doing great, tell him he can do one more rep or whatever so he knows how to encourage you and make you feel good about yourself. Who knows he may decide that you only need each other to work out and tell your friend/trainer that he isn't needed any more.0 -
That makes me sad. Marriage is sacred. Your husband comes FIRST. Dump the trainer. Figure out how this happened and don't let it happen again. There is no excuse.0
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He's nice to you because he is a friend of your husband's and you are paying him to be your trainer. Trainers suck up because they want you to continue to pay them. He does not have feelings for you. Work on your marriage.0
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Maybe say ..."Thanks for all your help. I think I would like to try something different now. Maybe a martial art." I really think if you cannot find a reason to give him, you don't want a reason. It's plain and simple to me0
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maybe say at this stage of your exercising, you'd feel more comfortable with a woman trainer. maybe even have him suggest one for you!0
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I did not read all the answers you got but my idea would be that you do not want to mix frienship with "business", that you feel uncomfortable. (It's easier to start or stop a business relationship with a stranger than a friend, no hard feelings. Also, less awkward when you owe him money or he wants to up his prices, etc.)0
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I agree get a new trainer0
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Honestly i've not been in the situation but i would get a new trainer. Your marriage is more important.
Sorry I just reread your post and realise he is a friend of your husbands also which makes it harder to stay away from him I guess. But getting a new trainer is a start at least.
This.
Do not risk your marriage or your new health. You seriously need to right away get a different trainer before you end up in a horribly embarrassing situation.0 -
It's only a crush and you're not in high school. Get over it0
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Im married and i developed a crush on my trainer who happens to be a very good friend of my husbands. Since i started his program ive lost 30 pounds and feel great except for my smoking. ive been chain smoking hoping to forget about this crush. Im reluctant to quit the program because as you know ive lost weight.
i love my husband very much and i feel so guilty. Im asking you how can i get over this and forget about him and this obstacle and keep him as my friend (im guessing at arm's length) with out jeopordizing my marriage.
It's rather normal to develop crushes on those who help us and boost our self esteem, so no judgement from me there. On top of that, the hormones released when exercising are chemically similar to those released when we fall in love. I'd hazard a guess that your chain smoking is not from trying to forget but a result of the guilt and stress that you're feeling as a result of this little infatuation.
My advice is to surprise your husband with a gym membership for two, tell him you think it's sexy when he sweats and release those endorphins together. Stop attending the training sessions. I'm sure that you've gotten enough out of them, 30 pounds later, that doing the routines at home or at your local gym won't throw you off track.0 -
I vote find a new trainer.
ALSO, if your husband is secure, tell him about the crush. If there's a chance he'll fly off the handle, don't risk it. But every time I have a crush on someone who isn't my husband, he's the first person I tell. We talk about why I'm feeling the way that I do, and try to figure out if it's because I feel like I'm lacking something in our marriage, or if it's just a stupid one-sided attraction. Whatever the reason, those crushes disappear pretty fast after I tell him!0 -
I don't even understand all the "get a new trainer" advice.... huh? Since when is it not COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NORMAL to have a crush on someone? No matter your relationship status...? I'm confused why adults can't have crushes and continue to be friends with someone?0
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Maybe you could try to work out on your own without the trainer. You know what to do to get results. Or, better yet, get your husband involved in working out with you. Maybe you could find something that you both enjoy, like tennis or golf or martial arts...something that involves both of you & you can spend time together. If you find it is too difficult to lose weight or get results without outside help, then you can seek the help of a new trainer.0
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How old are you ? I'm guessing a teenager.
Is this relevant to the topic, helpful or even a reasonably logical conclusion obtained from any one of the OP's responses? No? I'm glad that being 53 somehow makes you superior and impervious to these situations.0 -
Hmmm I am gonna vote new trainer... if it wasnt your husbands friend and you could stay away is one thing but dont put yourself in the position to do something stupid and could possibly regret.
Ask yourself this how would you feel if your husband started working out with your friend and he started developing a crush for her? How would you react and what would you want him to do?0 -
The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.
How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?0 -
Yup!agree, run don't walk and get a new trainer.0 -
Absolutely RUNNNNN don't walk away from this trainer and like others have said, you really don't owe him any detailed reason for changing trainers. You deal with tempations everyday in many forms but this is simply one temptation/distraction that could ruin the most important thing in your life............your relationship with your husband. Go....Go now!!0
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I know i should change trainers (yes, thought about it many times) I also feel that i am going to loose in this situation. why because he is a friend, he's my husbands friend, we are close to the family too.
You need to keep him as "your husband's friend" PERIOD! You sound so reluctant to stop seeing him in other terms that I fear for your marriage already. Go without a trainer, get a new one but stop now and plan some wonderful get away with your husband.0 -
I really don't see how this has to be a huge issue - people get crushes, its normal.
It's extremely normal to develop crushes on people who help us, understand us and empathise with us - that's why psychiatrists and therapists have a name for it - transference. If you google it you will probably find your situation described exactly - it is extremely common and many health care professionals have structured means of managing it.
Perhaps you can find some tips to manage your crush in the acute phase. It will almost certainly wear off over time. In the meantime, if your relationship is otherwise happy and functional, I don't think you need to cut this person out of your life.
To me, all these comments suggesting 'you MUST be rid of this man!!!' do a disservice to your relationship with your husband and your ability to manage your physical self.0 -
you need to find new trainer. if you can't be friends, then you can't be anything else.0
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Right.The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.
How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
It is not about trust.
It's about responsibility.
But when YOU get married feel free to set the parameters where ever you wish!
However, I will not be giving anyone counsel to mess around with temptation....0 -
Perhaps there is some underlying reason why you have developed a crush on him that stems from something missing in your marriage. I suggest seeking marital counseling, especially if you and your husband are going through any difficulties or even not communicating.
As for the trainer, I would definitely advice keeping him out of the picture. Find another trainer, possibly a female trainer, that you can work with. It is better to not have temptation at hand when it can hurt your marriage and possibly other people outside of your marriage. Good luck!0 -
I also wanted to add that you don't have to keep him out of your life period. It is okay to associate with your trainer since he is your husband's friend. I would just keep it at a minimum until your feelings are sorted out.
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I know from personal experience where this is headed, and as many others have said - time for a new trainer (female might be a good way to go). As far as him being a family friend, never allow yourself to be alone with him - always have hubby close by so as to not invite problematic/intimate conversations.
And if by chance you aren't happy with your marriage, keep a clear head and deal with that first. If you want to stay married, great! Just don't "go there" and open yourself up to dangerous situation that will only hurt all parties involved.
Bottom line, one relationship at a time is a good rule of thumb.
Be strong.
Gina0 -
Okay.. wait wait.
First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?
Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.
Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.
Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.
Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.
Good luck.
I agree with this statement! As a man I would want my wife to be honest with me! If you haven't done anything with this trainer than you are still in the good graces of your marriage. Dont throw away years for minutes!0 -
Hi... Thank you for posting and being open about the struggle you are having. I agree with the other people that for your sake and for your husbands and for the friendship they share and for the trainer's family, it would be best to say that you appreciate all that he's taught you, and you would like to change things up and experience having a female trainer in the future. Don't tell him in any way that you are infatuated with him. Don't tell him your personal feelings about anything. Keep everything "vanilla" as another person suggested. This is also a wakeup call for you to work on growing your intimacy in every way with your husband. In the meantime, use this time to reflect on what emotional needs you may be thirsty for-- This is a good resource with helpful "tests" to help you see yourself more clearly. They also have marriage retreats and books and videos-- as well as interesting places to browse (whether a person is married or not). http://smalley.cc/ Choose what is right. There is no substitute for a clean conscience... and the guilt and pain that come from an unwise attachment can last much longer than a person realizes at the time.0
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Great advice. Now think on this. There is no need to think up an excuse. That just adds pressure. You haven't done anything wrong, you recognize a need for change, so just do it. No need to confess to your husband and risk making him think its more than it is, and really interfere with his friendship and/or comfort level of you and his friendship. Instead, redesign your life to allow you to further yourself in this journey. Find a new class or two you really want to go to. Find a new workout buddy that you commit to meeting at regular time several days a week. And when your husband wants to go to see his friend as a trainer and invites you, then go if you like. Encourage him. And give him the chance to encourage you. But only you know about this crush, and no good will come from airing it. Had you acted in it, that would be different. But just stop reading more into it. He is a friend so don't make it complicated. There is too much to lose all the way around. Simply further your journey then you won't have time or need to meet with him, unless your honey is with you. You are just too emotionally involved with your own crush (not even with him) and you are panicking. Take a deep breath and look at this as what it is - a problem to solve, and nothing more.0
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The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.
How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
The advice is not based on all marriages. Just on what the OP said. It seemed serious because she felt the need to post it here. Anyway, my advice was for her to rev up her sex life with her husband, redirect all this new stuff she is feeling with her husband, and enjoy that!0 -
Right.The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.
How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
It is not about trust.
It's about responsibility.
But when YOU get married feel free to set the parameters where ever you wish!
However, I will not be giving anyone counsel to mess around with temptation....
So aggressive!
I like to think that being with the right person means feeling strongly enough about them that a crush wouldn't be a temptation.
Perhaps I am naive to think that love like that exists, which really doesn't give me much to look forward to in life if that is the case. What a cruel lesson for me to learn at 21.0
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