too much sex!

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Aurora22
Aurora22 Posts: 66 Member
in Motivation and Support
OK, this is embarrassing and personal, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people that know us. I just lost 20 odd pounds through good old diet and exercise and my partner of 11 years just can't keep his hands off me. I don't see this as a negative thing at all, but some nights I just want to rest and my refusals cause a big problem in our relationship. I work, go to school, and keep up a family, and by the end of the day I am just exhausted. Often times I am happy to relax and enjoy sex even if I am tired, but other times I just want some peace. He is unable to turn off once he is on (which is every night), so if I am not willing then he can't sleep. Then I can't sleep and the next day there is tension. Sometimes I want to gain all the weight back so he wouldn't want me so much. What do I do? I have already tried to get him to go to a marriage counselor for this, but he won't go. I was thinking of just going myself so that I could develop some tools, but that is just one more thing to fit into my day.
Does anyone else deal with this kind of imbalance in your sex life?

Replies

  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Not now, because I'm single....

    :sad:


    Okay...ahem...I have had this problem before. I was working two jobs, going to school full time, and training HARD. By the time I got home from work, I was already barely conscious.

    I think it takes (just like everything) communication, honesty, and compromise. Explain to him that you love him and find him attractive, but that you're really tired and it's hard to be aroused in that state. Then set up 'dates'...set time aside for one another and have FUN (because it is once you get started!). Sometimes it's just the effort to 'get into it' that seems insurmountable, but once you do, it's smooth sailing.

    GOOD LUCK! And great job!
  • Magenta15
    Magenta15 Posts: 850 Member
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    i have been in this situation before and it caused alot of issues, unfortunately we had many other issues on top of this one that could not be resolved...but i often wonder if i let myself get as big as i did was for hopes that he woujldn't want to touch me....never worked tho :(

    anyhow, even if he's not willing, empower yourself and go talk to someone, like you said they can teach you how to deal with the situation and work it when you are not in the mood...and once you've gone a few times and maybe tell him what its like, maybe he'll be willing to go once or twice...can't hurt to try, and even if he doesn't it never hurts to do what you need to do to support yourself :flowerforyou:

    but you definately need to sit and talk to him about it, letting him understand that while you love him, and having sex with him, and that you are happy he is finding you so attractive,...some nights you need a break and some rest and he'll just have to handle his situation himself those nights :wink:

    good luck to you :smile:
  • savvystephy
    savvystephy Posts: 4,151 Member
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    Maybe make it fun too. Like if you don't want to have sex that night, give him a toy or something to amuse himself with that night. I know it sounds weird. If you want a link to an awesome website for these sort of things, message me.

    Setting dates is probably a good idea. Just open communication with him. Sometimes a girl does just need some sleep. :flowerforyou: Hang in there!
  • Redneckwoman
    Redneckwoman Posts: 668 Member
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    OK, this is embarrassing and personal, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people that know us. I just lost 20 odd pounds through good old diet and exercise and my partner of 11 years just can't keep his hands off me. I don't see this as a negative thing at all, but some nights I just want to rest and my refusals cause a big problem in our relationship. I work, go to school, and keep up a family, and by the end of the day I am just exhausted. Often times I am happy to relax and enjoy sex even if I am tired, but other times I just want some peace. He is unable to turn off once he is on (which is every night), so if I am not willing then he can't sleep. Then I can't sleep and the next day there is tension. Sometimes I want to gain all the weight back so he wouldn't want me so much. What do I do? I have already tried to get him to go to a marriage counselor for this, but he won't go. I was thinking of just going myself so that I could develop some tools, but that is just one more thing to fit into my day.
    Does anyone else deal with this kind of imbalance in your sex life?

    Yep same problem here too. I not only have lost the weight and I have a man that is chasing me everywhere. I am not only too tired but I am going through menopause which has slowed my desire to have sex. He just doesn't get it. As far as suggestion I hope someone out there has some for me too.
  • SeaStar
    SeaStar Posts: 113
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    Don't feel blue, I used to feel the same way sometimes, until I totally broke down in front of one of my girlfriends and told her I was really depressed, and when she asked why, I explained I just can't keep up with my mans amount of sex need all the time, and she laughed and told me 'don't be silly, they're always wanting it any time of day, and enjoy it when you enjoy it too, but don't let their puppy dog eyes make you feel guilty when you just can't!' This little advice made me cheer up again and realize I'm not the only girl that goes through this... and things will settle out. Just don't let it get you down thinking there is something wrong with you. Once you stop letting that haunt you, he'll see it's not something wrong with you, and you'll all feel less pressure and happy when it does happen.
  • JStarnes
    JStarnes Posts: 5,576 Member
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    The date night once in a while is a good idea - but I would feel obligated to have sex after the date & feel like he'd be focused solely on getting sex at the end, instead of spending quality time with me. :ohwell: Me & hubs went thru this before I had lost the weight, we had many a sleepless night talking about how we could improve that aspect of the relationship. Now that the weight is gone - I'm never too tired...:blushing: :tongue:


    :flowerforyou: Good luck.
  • savvystephy
    savvystephy Posts: 4,151 Member
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    Now that the weight is gone - I'm never too tired...:blushing: :tongue:

    Hehe. Good for you! :flowerforyou:

    For the Aurora:
    Yeah, Jstar is probably right about the date night. It may become more of a stressor / obligation than a helpful thing. Communication really is the best idea.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    I just can't see this as a problem...probably because I'm single. Maybe he'd be happy with limited effort on your part if you're too tired?
  • JStarnes
    JStarnes Posts: 5,576 Member
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    Maybe a guys opinion would be more helpful? :huh:
  • PureAndHealthy
    PureAndHealthy Posts: 539
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    I love how this has gotten like 350 views... you put sex in the title and EVERYBODY wants to read it! lol :laugh:
  • iplayoutside19
    iplayoutside19 Posts: 2,304 Member
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    Maybe a guys opinion would be more helpful? :huh:

    I find it hard to beleive this first time you're having this discussion after being together for 11 years?:huh:
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
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    Just be honest.

    Frankly, most of us guys are fully expecting we're going to be in the mood more often than our wives/girlfriends are. In general, of course. There are always exceptions.
  • JStarnes
    JStarnes Posts: 5,576 Member
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    Maybe a guys opinion would be more helpful? :huh:

    I find it hard to beleive this first time you're having this discussion after being together for 11 years?:huh:

    I don't think it's the first time they've had the discussion - but maybe the first time she's reached out to others on how they deal with it. I just figured a guys perspective could help her a little more since (and I'm assuming here) most women have been in her shoes one time or another and all have very similar advice she's probably already tried.
  • lisawest
    lisawest Posts: 798 Member
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    I'm going to chime in and my husband (who has already made one comment) can deal. I deal with this VERY frequently!:ohwell: We've had discussion upon discussion. I've tried broaching the subject when we are not in the middle of the situation, and that seemed to help some. After you get the kids to bed, sit on the couch, mute the TV, and have the discussion. It was NOT easy for me!:blushing: Explain how great you feel that he is so enamoured of you, and you feel the same. However, you are not the Energizer Bunny, you HAVE to have down time! Getting up early, working all day, taking care of kids, house work, exercising (so you can continue to look good!:bigsmile: ), etc. does not leave much energy for other things. Perhaps there are somethings he can take over for you on the home front so that you might have some extra energy?:huh: That doesn't guarentee him a little somethin' somethin' every night, but it will drastically increase his chances! It's worked fairly well thus far. There are still some nights I have to fend him off, but they are fewer!

    Enjoy it:smokin: but take care of YOU also!
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    The date night once in a while is a good idea - but I would feel obligated to have sex after the date & feel like he'd be focused solely on getting sex at the end, instead of spending quality time with me. :ohwell: Me & hubs went thru this before I had lost the weight, we had many a sleepless night talking about how we could improve that aspect of the relationship. Now that the weight is gone - I'm never too tired...:blushing: :tongue:


    :flowerforyou: Good luck.

    Oh...lol...I meant a sex date. Not a real one. :laugh: But you can do that too.
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member
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    As a single girl, I can't wait to have this problem.
  • paddlemom
    paddlemom Posts: 682 Member
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    Armchair psychologist here...but from another perspective...could this be hubby's way of trying to reassure himself that now you are getting all thin and attractive, you still will be attracted to him? I totally agree with needing the communication. Sometimes it can be hard to get into your guy's head and after 28 yrs of marriage I can tell you that they aren't always following the agenda that they appear to be following.

    If he's hard to talk to, you might want to look for other ways to spend quality time together so you can reassure him by your actions that he's still the 'one'. Flattery will get you a long way!:happy:
  • savvystephy
    savvystephy Posts: 4,151 Member
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    As a single girl, I can't wait to have this problem.

    I hear ya! :flowerforyou: I'm there too!
  • jennbissonnette
    jennbissonnette Posts: 44
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    Its just the opposite in our marriage! I want sex 3-4 nights a week weight or not weight he dosent! he wants it 1 time a week!!! I think you should be happy that he wants you in that way. I have other people who want me when he dosent and its a strain on either partner whichever way you may twist it. Good luck!


    -Jenn
  • 00Angela00
    00Angela00 Posts: 1,077 Member
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    I've learned to just have the sex ... and allow yourself to enjoy it. It's stress relieving for you and you'll probably sleep even better after it allowing you extra rest. AND it builds your relationship. Don't allow it to be a chore, if you're not in the mood tell him to work extra hard to turn you on and tell him what you like ... I'm sure in a few minutes of that you'll be thanking him. ;-)

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