I need advices :(

Hello MFP

Before I say anything, I want to apologize for any english mistakes I might make. And I'm sorry if somewhere in the middle I sound rude or anything... haha I know its big, but please read it!

I've been on MFP for almost 2 years, and in that time, I would lose some weight and then gain it back again and some more. I wasn't always overweight. In fact, about 4 years ago, I used to weight 110lb, with the same height that I'm now with about 190lb. I noticed I was gaining a lot of weight after a few months. I mean, who wouldn't? It's freaking EIGHTY POUNDS. Back in 2009, when I was with my first boyfriend, I started to gain weight a bit faster. He didn't care. He's not involved with any of this. But I had depression. I used to think about killing myself. Not because I was gaining weight, I actually didnt give a rats *kitten* about it back then, because it was only about 10-15lb. I had a lot going on in my life. We broke up, around the time I started taking meds.

Then I REALLY started gaining weight. I still blame it on the meds, even though I know it was MY fault, not anyone else's. I know in the beggining of 2010, my body was adjusting to a lot of things, and a lot of medications. I had a fight with my psychiatric, because she blamed it on my age and admission tests for college, even though I had a serious accident when I was younger and I was a year and a half away from the tests (and NEVER, EVER became worried about it).

I got my second boyfriend, and he also didn't care about my weight. And he couldn't anyway, because he also gained a lot of weight himself. I started to worry about my weight and joined MFP. I would lose some weight, then forgot about MFP and gain it back, and then again blame it on the meds I was still on. It's true that they messed with my hormones and everything, but no cortisol, so not a big deal, I could've lost weight if I had made a few better choices. Besides, I only counted my calories, and I know it's not precise, it's not a perfect counting. That means I was eating poorly and unhealthy.

The problem started when I was with my next boyfriend, who was my best friend and met me when I was skinny. Everybody knew he liked me, but he was incredibly shy, and wouldn't make a move. My friends started asking me if that was because I gained weight. In fact, he also didn't care, he liked me when I was 110lb, and liked me when I was 160lb. But it started to hurt me. People started to hurt me. I was back on MFP again. He knew and was very supportive about it. But it was easy for him to stay fit. He ate lots of unhealty food, but he's a Tae Kwon Do fighter and really tall. We broke up when I got into college and he didn't (yes, we managed to still be friends after that) and I thought: "my life is going to change". But it didn't. I mean, it did, with college and everything, but my weight was STILL going up. I got about 10lb this year. (Classes starts in February here.)

In college I met an amazing guy, and we're going out for a little more than two months. We see each other every day. I was off my meds (actually, I quit them. I decided it was enough.) when I gained those 10lb, so it proved me it was no excuse. I went to a nutricionist in the end of 2011, and she gave me a healthier menu, but with my schedule it became a lot harder to follow. So I quitted too. Like I've done so many times with MFP. Everything was an excuse. This week I got back on MFP. I started running on the stair treadmill, and did pretty good on it, given my history on that, hahaha. I was below my goal (which is 800, but I dont feel bad getting over it, as long as its below 1200, I realize it motivates me a lot more) every day, until I fell when I was walking and got hurt (still am. lol, cant run or move my legs).

This year, with him, I'm happier then I've been for a long time. And I got more motivation. But he's incredibly skinny, and he obviously doesn't care about my weight. But he met me like this. He doesn't know how good looking I can be and I used to be. I don't mean to brag, but I liked my old me A WHOLE LOT. I'm pretty much my own goal. And he also doesn't know I'm on diet and trying to lose weight. I don't wanna tell him. But he eats a lot, and Ive noticed that when Im around him I eat a lot more than I usually do. And all sorts of unhealthy foods. Tonight I'm embarrased to log what I ate. I dont know what to do, because I see him every single day, and in weekends he's in my house most of the time. I also want to look good for him, which is a great motivation too, but I dont think he needs to know that. I'm afraid to fail again. I noticed is not enough to eat less, I have to eat healthier. I know he would support me, but if I fail again, I dont want him to to know it. I DO know I failed because I quit all the time.

What should I do?
Telling him is not an option, and I dont feel confortable asking him to change his eating habits because of me. We met only 3 months ago.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for the useless life story lol