Your ideal vs your SO's ideal
ang3h
Posts: 185 Member
I look worlds different today than I did when I first met my husband. We've been together for 9 years and I was chubby when we first met, and my weight has fluctuated up and down over the years while he's pretty much stayed the same. It seems the heavier I've been, the more he's complimented me and overall paid attention to me. I have never been fit or toned until this year since I started working out and focusing on strength training.
I've never been happy with my body but lately I feel really good when I look in the mirror and see muscles instead of flab. Of course I would love for my husband to share in this joy with me and affirm that I look good, but it takes a lot of prodding now to get noticed. I feel so much more attractive nowadays but paradoxically I feel unsexy and unfeminine because it seems my husband doesn't like this change.. and that really upsets me.
I've talked to him about it, he assures me he still finds me attractive, but there is definitely a change in his behavior towards me. I feel like I could walk around naked (hell, I do often) and he wouldn't (and doesn't) bat an eye but if I put 5, 10, even 20 lbs back on then he'd be all over me.
I can't be the only person out there who is having this problem.. where you have an idea of what you want to look like, and are working to achieve it or have already achieved it, while it seems your SO would prefer you look the way you used to even though you were unhappier and far less confident.
Don't get me wrong, he's a good man and we have a great relationship and really no other problems beside this.. I feel like is a growing crack in the foundation though, so to speak
Anyway I guess this is mostly a rant rather than a question but I'd like to hear others' opinions and experiences with this..
I've never been happy with my body but lately I feel really good when I look in the mirror and see muscles instead of flab. Of course I would love for my husband to share in this joy with me and affirm that I look good, but it takes a lot of prodding now to get noticed. I feel so much more attractive nowadays but paradoxically I feel unsexy and unfeminine because it seems my husband doesn't like this change.. and that really upsets me.
I've talked to him about it, he assures me he still finds me attractive, but there is definitely a change in his behavior towards me. I feel like I could walk around naked (hell, I do often) and he wouldn't (and doesn't) bat an eye but if I put 5, 10, even 20 lbs back on then he'd be all over me.
I can't be the only person out there who is having this problem.. where you have an idea of what you want to look like, and are working to achieve it or have already achieved it, while it seems your SO would prefer you look the way you used to even though you were unhappier and far less confident.
Don't get me wrong, he's a good man and we have a great relationship and really no other problems beside this.. I feel like is a growing crack in the foundation though, so to speak
Anyway I guess this is mostly a rant rather than a question but I'd like to hear others' opinions and experiences with this..
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Replies
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I just wish my SO would want to lose the weight and not just say it but do it. I find that after getting married she fell into that pool of oh I am married now so I can be fat and he is stuck with me etc. My opinion in your case if I was your husband you would have more trouble keeping me off you now then if you gained the 10-20lbs back etc.0
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I keep waiting for that to happen--that is, for him to "wake up" and be all over me. I feel like the leaner I get the better I look and it's sort of a slap in the face to feel like I'm the only one that feels that way. I think he should be glad I'm not letting myself go since we've been together for so long.. hell I felt like I had let myself go when I got up to almost 150 lbs but he found me way more attractive then, apparently.
Sometimes I wonder if it's my vanity and insecurity that are getting to him but I've always been that way.. just now I have more positive than negative things to say about myself.0 -
Your SO might feel a bit unsure. Maybe he thinks you look TOO good for him, and is worried.
My SO doesn't exactly have an "ideal" for me. He's always said I was beautiful, whether I was 130 lbs or 221 (current), and I believe his sincerity. I am doing this for me...ok a little bit for him, mainly because we have a tiny shower and I want to be able to fit in it with him again hahahaha0 -
maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.0
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My husband's old ideal was probably a 6' tall volleyball player physique. He used to play volleyball. I'm 5'7" (and he assures me there are volleyball players that "short" on teams) and 120lbs, so I'm pretty thin. I just need maybe 3-6 inches added on to my legs! Lol. He likes thin & muscular... lean physiques.
My ideal? I guess what I think most men want and what I'd have called ideal: 36C-24-36 5'10" 120-135lbs. Long hair.
ETA: He walked in here when he heard me typing... he said: Don't you tell them that! YOU are my ideal
) Awww... how sweet. 0 -
Your SO might feel a bit unsure. Maybe he thinks you look TOO good for him, and is worried.
This could be true. And he could be trying to adjust to the new you. Get healthy for you though... not for anyone else, even your SO.0 -
He just could be one of those guys that are attracted to chubby girls, or girls with a little soft touch, not muscle. There's quite a few of them out there like that. Maybe you need to talk to him to make sure you know what his attractions are and what he thinks if it means that much to you.
My boyfriend likes chubby, he is supportive of weight loss, but he does not want to see me get carried away, gain a lot of muscle etc. He just wants to see me healthier and more active and not complain about my body. But if I were to start weight training and getting oober toned, he'd probably be less attracted to me physically because he doesn't like the feel of it with cuddling or in bed.0 -
I just wish my SO would want to lose the weight and not just say it but do it. I find that after getting married she fell into that pool of oh I am married now so I can be fat and he is stuck with me etc.
Yes. In fact that's why I couldn't wait to get married- I could finally get fat like I had always wanted. My husband isn't too happy but whatever, nothing he can do about it now! *Evil cackle, belly shake*
Anyways. My husband likes them in various states of thick and gooey... but he thinks my more muscular body is nice, last time I had it. He prefers fat over muscle, but his ultimate preference is a happy woman.
I wonder about the insecurity thing in your case, OP. I bet that's what it is. Lots of men get that way about change.0 -
Another thought: Maybe when you're less in shape, you feel more self-conscious about your body, which he can sense.So he gives you more compliments to make you feel more at ease (and to encourage you to keep walking around naked hahah!) That's definitely the case with my SO, anyway.
But honestly, at least he isn't unsupportive or negative about your fitter body, bc I feel like a lot of women on here complain about that!
I just wish that my SO understood what it takes to stay in shape - he's always pushing eating out and unhealthy foods, and I always have to be like listen - you like the way I look right now and it takes WORK to get there! He wants the girl who used to eat the other half of his pizza AND the girl who looks like I do now - not gonna happen!!0 -
Weight loss isn't always a guarantee that attraction will be there, or that the sex drive will. I'm now far more insecure than I was when I weighed 50, 60+ pounds more. I also have a better idea of what my husband's ideal is - which is totally not my ideal for myself.
I could go on and on, but it really comes down to this - you should do what you want to do, and be who you want to be, because you have to live in your skin.... no one else does. It does no good to strive to be something that you don't want to be - you'll just drain yourself. Do it for you, and hopefully everything else will fall into place.
Good luck!0 -
He walked in here when he heard me typing... he said: Don't you tell them that! YOU are my ideal) Awww... how sweet.
That's soo sweet haha!0 -
For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
Only think about him and love him
Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
Be pleased with him.
Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.0 -
my husband is really insecure.
so it's caused a lot of fights.
he also suggests pasta and pizza nights and gets mad when i want to eat healthy.
he weights 375... again.
not my ideal...
i liked him better at 260.
since he's been hurt, he's packed on the weight.
he said he wants me to gain weight.
i would be happy at this weight if i could loose the rest of the belly and thigh jiggle 0 -
maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.
I'm not even close to being ripped. I've got plenty of softness still.0 -
For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
Only think about him and love him
Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
Be pleased with him.
Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.
I've been wondering if that might be it. I hope it is rather than just a lack of attraction.0 -
Yes, I would guess NOT a lack of attraction.For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
Only think about him and love him
Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
Be pleased with him.
Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.
I've been wondering if that might be it. I hope it is rather than just a lack of attraction.
So relax. You will find out.
Don't fall into the trap of having conflict between the two of you.
Just pass up any opportunity to have conflict.
Give soft answers, and probably you will get communication, and then you can find out the mystery!0 -
My husband has definitely told me he would NOT want me to get muscular or too thin. He likes "soft". From what I've seen of pics of ex-GFs, he definitely prefers a softer, rounder figure.
But he's also been honest and has told me he worries if I lose a lot of weight and get skinny, I'll attract too much attention from other men. My response: trust me, even at this weight I could attract men if I wanted the attraction. Damn, I was pissed! But he was being brutally honest.
I'm not doing this for him, but for me. I just don't feel sexy at my weight. He can love me and grab my big butt as much as her wants, lol, I still plan to lose it!0 -
maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.
Mine told me he loved my body when we met (155) and now, about 25 lbs less. He has expressed concern about me losing too much or gaining muscle because he said he doesn't want to date a man (aka, muscle definition), while I would be in heaven if I looked like Jamie Eason.0 -
well, i guess he wants a chubby girl. thats how you looked in the beginning and thats what he fell in love with. this will probably take some adjusting for him.0
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My husband has told me he doesn't want me to lose weight because he is afraid i will leave him (he is CRAZY i love the man). Maybe it is a combintaion of his insecurities and him feeling like you are spending too much time losing weight and not enough time with him? Like someone else has said- spend a week or so giving him all sorts of attention, make his fav foods, go do things he likes, buy something sexy for his eyes only, etc. Good Luck0
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Maybe he felt when you were out of shape you needed the compliments, you needed the attention, you needed HIM, and now he feels slightly redundant. Have your routines changed because of your exercise? Are you spending less time together? Perhaps he's worried that you're finding him unattractive now?
Maybe for this week try being all over him, wanting and needing him, and see if that makes a difference. Typically the last thing any guy wants is to sit down and have a chat about things!
Edited- spelling0 -
I haven't lost near enough to notice but I was wondering why my boyfriend was a little 'off' me.
It's not that he's worried that he isn't good enough for me.
It's not that he's finding me or going to find me less attractive.
It's because my weightloss and MFP take up more of my already precious time. I'm too self focused. It's all about what I put in my mouth. I can't let him cook for me without hovering and tsking about what's in it and not eating it all. We rarely go out for meals anymore because we can't agree on what to have.
The bonding over food, as a chef a nice meal in or out is important to him, is gone. And the amount of time I spend logging and researching hurts too.
Maybe it's the same for your man?0 -
This makes me sad. Have a talk with him and see what's up. Perhaps there's just a miscommunication going on here.
My husband seems totally thrilled with my body no matter what it looks like - especially if it's naked! I've never been truly overweight, but I have been borderline - much softer and less fit in the past. My ideal is more toned and lean, like a runner's body, and I'm glad he doesn't have a preference, as long as it's still me in there!
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Thats sad to hear
Have you discussed how you feel about it with him?
My boyfriends the opposite.. He was jiggling my belly one day and I said "Soon you wont be able to do that!" And he just looked me dead in the eye and said "Good."
Kinda hurt my feelings haha0 -
It sounds like he's finding your new body shape an adjustment, but I'm sure the longer you have it, the more he'll accept it as 'you'. My SO vaguely notices when I lose weight/tone up, but to him it's a bit of a non-event that he doesn't want to make a big deal of - though the other day he did say I looked like I'd lost weight and should eat more, he always tells me to eat healthily and do lots of exercise too.
I do think women in general underestimate how attractive a bit of jiggle can be for men - as someone who finds both genders attractive, I find women with curves that 'spill over' a bit more sexy in a different way. It's kind of a more subconscious reaction to 'feminine' traits. I can look at someone more athletic and admire their figure and think they look good in clothes, but the mainstream definition of a good body I find a bit generic. Bigger curves somehow draw me in more, and I'm sure a lot of men feel the same.
Be happy your SO isn't one of those many body fascist people who can only see beauty in a skinny figure and just wait for him to chill out about it a bit, I'm sure he will.0 -
My husbands ideal body is Christina Hendricks. Giant boobies and nice curvy hips/thicker. He has already stated he doesn't want me to get too small. (Like his idea of small is a size 6 and below.). We will see though. He's being frustrating about it. But I want to get to where I want to be for myself, not for him. I understand he met me at this size, he married me at this size. He loves me the way I am. But I'm not there with my body.
So hopefully OP, your guy is just at a stage where he's trying to get used to it.0
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