fear of failure

justjenn1977
justjenn1977 Posts: 437 Member
in Motivation and Support
so I was "talking" with a friend... and he mentioned something that I have thought of for a while.... he said basically that he was afraid to go under 250 because he hasn't been that skinny in a while... I wanted to share my response and get opinions...



I know what you mean... that 260 mark is kinda scary for me.... kind of like I have never been that skinny (except for on the way up) as an adult... and it's like... I don't know how to put this except for in a derogatory way... I have always identified with being fat... I am "the big girl" in a group of friends it's always "the big red head" or "the big one with the kooky glasses" or "the big one with all the kids" you say that and people automatically can pick me out of a crowd... I call someone that I met somewhere on the phone and they don't remember me? tell them "I was the big girl with the hiking sticks" and I get "OH I remember you now!!" I almost don't know what to identify with if I am not the "big one"... and then... when I get below it... who am I?? I know intrinsically that I am the same person.. and I can just be "the one with the hiking sticks" or "the one with all the kids" or "the one with the van with all the bikes" or "the one who helped you with your math" or whatever... but it is almost like that is who I AM... I am trying very hard to reidentify myself... to not think in my head that I am "the big one" and I am getting there... but I wonder if that is why I sabotage myself... some deep seated fear of losing the only identity that I feel I have control over...

Replies

  • sheribrasington
    sheribrasington Posts: 75
    Great point Jenn. I feel you on this one. We are close to being in the same boat from being overweight. Having accidents to get over, fighting and making ourselves DETERMINED to get healthy. I disagree with you. My opinion is, You have been that person for so long you should not let anyone put you in a category again. You are making life style changes to better yourself and to be healthy for you and your children. I would give everyone a reason to take second looks that you succeeded in what you set out to accomplish. You have worked hard for it and deserve it. From experience and being 51 years old an accident and health probems are hard to shake off when you are over weight. I use to walk 6 miles a day, was a butcher for 33 years. I underwent 5 surgeries from the result of a tumor grown into my bladder. it took me a very long time to recover just half way to being half normal again. Since then, I have faught fibro and a horrible fall with torn muscles in my tail and my right leg, I started getting better only to fall again. This has been a little over two years ago, I still live with the pain from it every day. I am looking forward to the day I can get enough weight off to even attempt 6 mile walks again. I can do swimming, moderate walking, but we have to start some where. I know my weight has been the biggest factor in me taking so long to heal. Think of your life when you get older. This is your new lease on life, I say take it and run with it. You deserve to look fabulous and wear sexy clothes and be healthy and proud when you walk out of your house every day. What ever you choose to do Good Luck to you and be proud of yourself, You have come such a long, long way. You are doing great. Keep up the good work! I am sure you will love the NEW YOU!
  • Kalyska
    Kalyska Posts: 8
    Dearest Jennfrye,

    People are going to come in and out of your life every day, why hold back from being comfortable with yourself just so someone will know who you are right off the bat? At the end of the day, the only identifier that really matters is how you see yourself and how your loved ones know you.

    Everything about us changes on a daily basis - it may not be obvious changes, but with every step we take, every decision and each breathe, something about us has been altered. You're a little bit older, a whole lot wiser, much happier and you're still alive.

    So do not allow yourself to be defined by what you used to be. Show the world who you are and who you want to be - the feeling of being the "big girl" will slowly, but surely, fade away. If people do not remember you for the kind heart that you have, that is their lose, not yours. So get your sexy on, be an amazing mom to those kids and love life! If you open your heart to show your inner self, people will walk away with the memory of your radiant smile and confidence. You will then be remembered for the woman you are now, not for what you looked like yesterday.

    At least that's my two cents on it :)
    I wish you all the best!
  • justjenn1977
    justjenn1977 Posts: 437 Member
    I guess part of it is a knee jerk response... you know... people are going to call me fat so if I do it first then it doesn't sting??

    part of it has been a "comic relief" (when people ask what happened to my broken foot I usually say "I guess fat people aren't supposed to move quickly" makes them laugh... and I kinda feel better because I was able to make them laugh... and then they don't pity me for being a)broken and b)fat... )

    part of it really is I look in the mirror and I don't see beautiful... I KNOW in my spirit that I AM beautiful... but my flesh doesn't see beautiful... I have been working on this for a long time... I am MUCH better at it... but I still find it difficult to change that self identity... I used to be very skinny... and I find myself comparing myself to the "high school" me rather than "50# heavier than now" me... and this was so much easier than 50# ago... but is so much harder than high school... so self comparisons make it difficult to change my self identity
  • kini324
    kini324 Posts: 239 Member
    This really touched me! I know exactly what you mean. I always tried to be the funny girl, so people would see past the fat girl and like me. I think major weight loss does change you- and hopefully it's in a positive way. From my experience though- I love this new person that I am.

    I'm more confident, healthier, happier, social, and nicer than I ever was before. You will find new ways to identify yourself and it's exciting, fun, and rewarding. You still have control over who you are- in fact, you're the only one who has it. Don't be afraid! Embrace the journey waiting for you!

    And I don't mean to sound so corny! I just know with great risk, comes great reward. Ok, sorry- corny again, but you know what I mean :)
  • BrianSharpe
    BrianSharpe Posts: 9,248 Member
    Fear of failure or fear of success?

    Failure becomes comfortable for those who have conditioned themselves to expect it. Success is scary and unknown.

    One of my favourite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes is: "Do one thing every day that scares you"
  • hauer01
    hauer01 Posts: 516 Member
    I hear ya Jenn!

    Up until about a month ago, I was the "big" one in my group of friends. I discovered about a month ago that I am now wearing clothes smaller than all of my friends. Somewhere along the line, that switched and I didn't notice how dramatically until then.

    It takes some time for our minds to catch up to our bodies. You will need to work on looking at yourself, everyday, and finding one thing that you like about your appearence. Soon, you will focus less on the things you don't like so much, because you are forced to focus on the things you like.

    Stay strong my friend. Pushing through and changing your image is well worth it. You will be able to define who you are with out needing to make a joke out of it and without it being about weight.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    Embrace your other unique identifying factors. Being a red head is an awesome one!
  • sheribrasington
    sheribrasington Posts: 75
    I agree and also with Jenn. I am older but also have young children. I call myself Big mama. My daughter come home with her feelings hurt because one of her friends told her that her mama was fat. It really hurt her to hear it. It did give me a chance to teach her a valuable lesson about not judging others by the way they look. The phrase used quite often not to judge a book by the cover is true and also not judging someone because you do not know their journey is true. I think what happened to my daughter stuck with me and gives me a reason to fight harder. I have found myself going to school to pick her up and trying to hold in my protruding gut (but it is still there, but smaller) I want to be able to go to a school event and let that same girl see my daughters mom again and this time I hope I am skinnier than her mom. Hang in there Jenn!
  • justjenn1977
    justjenn1977 Posts: 437 Member
    Fear of failure or fear of success?

    Failure becomes comfortable for those who have conditioned themselves to expect it. Success is scary and unknown.

    One of my favourite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes is: "Do one thing every day that scares you"


    I guess I did mean fear of success... I absolutely LOVE E.R. one of my favorite saying I have adapted from her... she says "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission" and I say "no one can make you feel without your permission" because I used to say "you make me angry" or something... and it occurred to me (or rather it was pointed out to me and I understood it to be true) that being angry/hurt/sad/happy/whatever is a choice... and I choose how to react to people/things/situations... once I learned that it has been so much easier to deal with humans... sigh...

    another saying is from one of my nursing instructors... "look beyond the behavior" and was shortened to "look beyond" (whenever she said that I always had this mental image of rafiki from lion king and seriously had to suppress the giggles... NOT professional at all!!!) anyways... I try to look beyond whatever is going on to the feelings behind it... so someone at walmart was short with me? maybe she is having a stressful day and her boss just told her that she can't go home to be with her sick kid because there is no one to replace her and she can't even take a break now to go call him... I might be short too... I try to understand that other peoples actions aren't always directed towards me because of me... sometimes it is just.... what do they call it.. collateral damage...


    This really touched me! I know exactly what you mean. I always tried to be the funny girl, so people would see past the fat girl and like me. I think major weight loss does change you- and hopefully it's in a positive way. From my experience though- I love this new person that I am.


    I actually am to a point in my life where I almost like me... I enjoy my company (most of the time)... I have done a LOT of soul searching and trying to better myself... I had an 11 year marriage that was emotionally abusive end in 2006... and I have spent the last six years trying to figure out things... I know that all of the problems weren't mine... but some of them were (first off... a lot of self esteem issues went into picking/staying with the man who abused me... and I have control issues among other things... not trying to dismiss his part in the failed marriage just trying to claim my failures and overcome them) but I knew I had to fix ME and like ME before I could even think of another relationship... or I would pick the same type of partner (I have had a history of that)

    I have these moments where I think about my behavior and seriously try to "look beyond the behavior"... I seriously examine things... and I tend to be very hard on myself... fact of the matter is... I do like myself (like I said most of the time)...

    It takes some time for our minds to catch up to our bodies. You will need to work on looking at yourself, everyday, and finding one thing that you like about your appearence. Soon, you will focus less on the things you don't like so much, because you are forced to focus on the things you like.


    I had a friend tell me that... I think she was very wise...

    I have also started... whenever I feel <insert negative body image here>... I remind myself several things 1) God made all things glorious and He made me... and 2) the King is enthralled with my beauty... I am loved... loved enough that He died for me... and that just makes me feel I can't even have words to explain how marvelous it makes me feel to think that... I just have goosebumps to think it... may sound a little corny (and uberchristian... but I don't care)... but it really makes me feel lovely inside... and it makes me want to work even harder...
  • Steph_135
    Steph_135 Posts: 3,280 Member
    The same sort of thing dawned on me early last year, but for me, it's a fear of SUCCESS! Being successful will come with a whole new slew of things to concern myself with, but I am starting to get past these things, and do this for ME despite my current limiting beliefs. I am currently reading Sondra Ray's book The Only Diet There Is, which is about the mental side of dieting. I'm really enjoying it, and have seen some great changes in my outlook over the past 2 weeks.
  • Susie_Reed
    Susie_Reed Posts: 8 Member
    wow. You know, I think with every struggle I've ever had I've felt like "this is just me. Everyone else is...whatever. But no one gets this. I'm the only one that feels this way" But, wow! This really hits home with me. I've cried so many nights. wondering why I can't be thin. Why am I the fat one in the group? I pass up invitations, I stay home, I avoid everyone, even people I adore because I'm embarrassed that none of my clothes fit and I just can't show up in the same tee shirt I wear everywhere.
    But maybe I'm afraid to be thin because then I'll have to do stuff - redefine myself - I don't know who I am if I'm not fat
  • justjenn1977
    justjenn1977 Posts: 437 Member
    The same sort of thing dawned on me early last year, but for me, it's a fear of SUCCESS! Being successful will come with a whole new slew of things to concern myself with, but I am starting to get past these things, and do this for ME despite my current limiting beliefs. I am currently reading Sondra Ray's book The Only Diet There Is, which is about the mental side of dieting. I'm really enjoying it, and have seen some great changes in my outlook over the past 2 weeks.

    I meant to say success... but it was a Freudian slip ;)
    wow. You know, I think with every struggle I've ever had I've felt like "this is just me. Everyone else is...whatever. But no one gets this. I'm the only one that feels this way" But, wow! This really hits home with me. I've cried so many nights. wondering why I can't be thin. Why am I the fat one in the group? I pass up invitations, I stay home, I avoid everyone, even people I adore because I'm embarrassed that none of my clothes fit and I just can't show up in the same tee shirt I wear everywhere.
    But maybe I'm afraid to be thin because then I'll have to do stuff - redefine myself - I don't know who I am if I'm not fat

    I guess we will just be who we are... but not fat...

    that didn't make much sense... but... it does in a way :)
  • justjenn1977
    justjenn1977 Posts: 437 Member
    Dearest Jennfrye,

    People are going to come in and out of your life every day, why hold back from being comfortable with yourself just so someone will know who you are right off the bat? At the end of the day, the only identifier that really matters is how you see yourself and how your loved ones know you.

    I didn't think about this part until I was using this forum post to write a blog post... so here is how I replied on my blog... since I don't know that she will read my blog :)




    Dear Kalyska... you are so right... there is a point when I have to stop worrying about what other people think of me... I do not have to be the one who makes people laugh... I am not a comedianne... I am me... I am Jenn... mother... daughter... sister... friend... nurse... caregiver... tutor... teacher... hiker... backpacker... biker... nature enthuist... camper... consumer... producer... bibliophile... and so much more... the ME that is me... is all of this and so much more... the ME that is me... is loving and kind and caring and hard working and ethical and moral and good hearted and dedicated and loyal and so much more

    the ME that is me... my innermost being... THAT ME... isn't "the big one" She is so much more... and she needs to start living that way :)

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