New and hoping to tone up my body and my self esteem

Hi there, everybody! My name is Whitney. I'm 22 years old and I was introduced to this website yesterday by my boss and one of my co-workers. I've always been nervous to introduce myself online to so many people, but I've done some poking around and everyone seems so friendly, I decided to take the plunge. I apologize in advance if my story is long, annoying, and/or both

Growing up, I was never really what you would call overweight, but I was always a big girl. I was tall enough in kindergarten to fit in with the kids in fifth and sixth grade. My mom has always told me I was like a "rock" compared to other kids. When I was 6 years old, I weighed almost 100 pounds, but I still wasn't the textbook definition of fat. My doctor explained that I have a very large amount of natural muscle, which is something I pray to fully utilize someday

Even though I wasn't your typical chubby kid, I still got picked on a lot for my size. I was never able to wear the cutesy clothes that other girls did because of my size, so I was stuck wearing lots of t-shirts and junior's clothes when the other girls were in Disney princess garb. I guess you could say this is where my problems with self esteem started. It got worse when I was in second grade and got the chicken pox. I'm still not exactly sure what caused it, but after my chicken pox subsided, I started getting acne like some teenager who had just hit puberty. More than a decade later it has never stopped, though it's gotten slightly better over the years. It's left me very scarred, both physically and emotionally. The teasing got worse, and so did my self esteem.

When elementary school ended, our school population was split between two junior highs depending on what neighborhood you lived in. Out of 72 sixth graders, I was one of four sent to the "rough" junior high on the more questionable side of town. The kids there were relentless. I was picked on from day one so badly that I started faking sick several times a week to keep myself from having to go there. I was so scared to go to school that I started having panic attacks, which REALLY threw me for a loop. After about a month, my mom pulled me out of the school and decided to start homeschooling me, but the damage was already done.

I didn't understand what the panic attacks were, and my fear of them happening again put me into an endless cycle of anxiety. I constantly thought something was wrong with me, or that I was dying. The only comfort I found was in food. Every day I would wake up, do my schoolwork, and eat. That was basically the extent of my life. It all seems like so much of a blur now that I can't really even remember it all, but what I do remember is that when I was around 14 years old, I had hit 330 lbs. and I was miserable. I couldn't walk to the kitchen without getting winded. I can't tell you what it is, but something within me changed. It's like something hit me with a ton of bricks. I didn't want to live that way anymore.

I didn't know how to exercise, and quite honestly I didn't have the strength to do much of anything to begin with. So I walked. Literally, I walked from one end of the couch to the other a few times, until it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I did this every day for weeks, walking a little more each day. Walking made me feel the best I had in such a long, long time. My nana, who I lost last year and miss dearly, heard about my walking ventures and told me about the 10,000-step-a-day program she heard about from McDonald's, of all places. She loved their fruit and yogurt parfaits and had received two little pedometers from eating there so often. She gave one to me and slowly but surely, I worked myself up to walking 10,000 steps every single day. I would wake up bright and early in the morning and walk for almost two hours. I didn't have a treadmill, so I literally paced back and forth in my living room floor. My mom has often teased that it's a good thing we don't have carpet, otherwise I would have left a little "trail" behind

I kept up my walking for around two years and I felt great. I weighed about 180 lbs. (My mom didn't like keeping a scale in the house because I tended to freak out over the weight on the scale, so I had to sneak in weigh-ins at my grandparents' house) and was in the best shape of my life by far. My entire life and happiness revolved around my weight and my eating habits, which looking back I've realized was a very dangerous thing. Everything kind of crumbled in May of 2006 when my mom was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery and subsequent physical therapy. My calorie counting days ended and I ate incredibly unhealthy hospital food (oxymoron much?) every morning, afternoon, and night. I didn't walk. Because I am an only child, my nana couldn't drive and my dad and pawpaw worked, I had to fully take care of my mom. Everything else fell by the wayside. Please don't take that as resent in any way - my mom is my best friend and I loved being there for her. The only one I had to blame was myself. At first I felt guilty, but then it felt GOOD. It felt good not to be consumed with calorie counting and weight watching and walking for two hours at the crack of dawn each day.

I slowly slipped back into my old patterns, and by the time I entered college in 2008, I was back up to about 250 lbs. and holding steady there. Sadly, I held steady there for several more years. It was last summer, as my self esteem continued to sink lower and lower each day surrounded by so many beautiful and perfect-looking peers, that I decided I wanted to change FOR REAL. I wanted to change my inside and my outside. I didn't want to do it just for my looks, but for the health of my insides and the health of my mind. I hate looking in the mirror and detesting what I see. I joined a Zumba class here at the college and started walking again. It was harder, balancing a job and much heftier coursework now, but I made it work.

I took a nutrition class this past spring to fulfill my degree's biological science requirement and got a lot more out of it than I anticipated. I learned about all the horrible preservatives and chemicals that go into our foods and drinks and I was sickened. My body deserves better! So I have begun trying to eat the most natural foods I can find (and afford!) to try and be good to my body. I have been off soda for two months now and drink nothing but water every day, and have limited my fast food choices to Subway with lots of veggies, and Chick-Fil-A for an occasional treat.

As I type this, I weigh exactly 200.2 pounds. A few times my weight has floated down to 198 (I cannot describe the happiness I felt seeing a "1" in that first slot) and up to about 202. I seem to be stuck on this plateau and it's been very discouraging. I hope I can get off of it. That's a large part of the reason why I joined here - after looking at my food diary after just one day. I'm starting to think that maybe I haven't been eating enough. Veggies and fruits all day just don't seem to provide me everything I need

Even if that number still seems a little high, I really do feel like I am getting close to my goals weight-wise. I will never be a petite little girl, I know. But I have gone down from a pant size 22 at the beginning of college (28 at my all-time worst) to a 15 now. I doubt I will ever get THAT much smaller, but I want to get healthier. Stronger. I have an athlete lurking within me that I want to let go. My second biggest goal right now is toning up the flabby skin that has taken residence in my arms, thighs, and tummy.

My BIGGEST goal, though, is toning up my self esteem. I have never felt beautiful in my life. If my friends tell me I'm anything positive, I automatically assume they're just lying to make me feel better. I have horrible acne still, and scars from it over the years. My face is lopsided, and my teeth are horrible (finally getting braces this December.) I have ugly hair that is frizzy and poofy, and never looks good for long. My face doesn't look pretty or feminine. I just can't find anything beautiful about my face, or any part of me really. I have stretchmarks all over from the weight gains and losses. I don't know how anyone could ever want someone who looks like me. I look in the mirror and just see the most ugly girl in the world. It's so hard for me to even type this right now, because it's so personal and I'm sharing it with a bunch of strangers. But you all seem so brave and strong and I want to be brave and strong, too. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful. I hated hearing that you look the best in your late teens and early 20s, because I'm 22 and if this is the best I'll ever look, I'm in for a world of hurt. My parents don't really even have pictures of me since my elementary years, because I'd rather break down sobbing than have my picture taken.

I don't have any pictures of my "before" self on me right now, and I really wasn't going to post anything at all, but I want to be brave - so here goes. I only have a webcam available right now, so it's just my face. Please be gentle. Thank you anyone who stayed around to listen to my drivel for so long. I hope we can get through this together.

Blessings,
Whitney