And I am outtie (success!)

Hi!

When I joined MFP over a year ago it wasn't to lose weight. I had lost 50 pounds about five (now six!) years ago. I've since been diagnosed with a chronic disease for which decreased appetite is an occasional symptom, so I wanted to makes sure I got enough protein and nutrition on those days. Another goal was to nudge my diet to hopefully influence my LDL cholesterol for the better.

Those things have happened. By keeping track of what I ate, I became better informed about my nutritional needs and how to meet them. I also shaved 21 points off of my LDL. Not a huge difference, but it bumped me down a category from borderline to nearly ideal.

Upon reflection, though, something happened along the way. How I think and feel about food and eating has changed for the better! Let me explain.

I always considered myself a healthy eater in that I would choose foods that were wholesome and unprocessed, most of the time. I believed in everything in moderation and would occasionally indulge in foods that weren't on the healthiest foods lists.

Categorizing foods as good or bad has some unpleasant psychological effects for me to such an extent that I didn't realize it. First, I developed a sense that good foods, while nourishing, weren't necessarily a pleasure to eat. For a long time they were necessary for weight loss. I subscribed to the "eat to live" philosophy, and while I liked a lot of the food I ate, I never looked forward to meals. They didn't have to be good, they just had to be good for me. Bad food, on the other hand, was delicious and yummy, but like many dieters who struggle with their weight I felt a sense of shame when I ate them. It wasn't overt or anything. But the notion that bad food was, well, bad became ingrained emotionally. I felt bad about myself for eating it.

I had come to assign value to food, and by extension myself as an eater, in a way that was almost moral. And though it shook me to admit it, that's pretty f@cked up.

It took a calorie counting app and someone who really loves me - my wonderful fiance - to point out that my feelings about food weren't emotionally healthy. As I logged a candy bar or a donut, I would fret over the nutritional information. I started avoiding it altogether even though I really wanted to eat it. My distress was at times palpable. One day he brought home a box of Cinnabons and said, "enjoy life with me."

Something inside me just clicked. My feelings about eating were interfering with the joy of sharing pleasure (foodwise!) I knew that the occasional indulgence of caloric, nutrient poor food had nil impact on my health, and yet a few numbers on a box were enough to dictate what I ate and how I felt about it, and worse how I felt about myself.

So, I worked on letting it go. And, I realized that if I could ditch the moral assignments I made to bad food, why not good food? Why did it have to be, at best OK and at worst, penitential? Why did I eat things just because they were healthy even if I didn't really like them? Why couldn't I work a little bit on finding things that were both of nutritional value and delicious taste?

With effort, I tried some new recipes, I read the forums for some good ideas about food prep, timesavers, snack ideas, etc. Eventually, I found meals that I love and look forward to. It's about seasoning, technique, and balanced meals. A quick look through my cupboards and fridge today surprised me - they're full of wholesome, healthful ingredients and fresh produce. I'm eating healthier than I ever have before, and it takes no will power because I enjoy it. It's effortless. The thought of gaining back the weight I lost was always in the back of my mind but I no longer worry about that.

I found a box of cookies in the pantry that were going stale...because I FORGOT about them. This from ME, a person who used to fantasize about all the foods I didn't feel I should eat, a person who would slog through days of good eating in order to reward myself with an ice cream or a latte or cupcake. But good food isn't something that requires incentive anymore, and bad food isn't something I need to restrict as a reward. They're not good and bad anymore, they're just...yummy. When my fiance wants to share a tasty treat, I smile, say yes, and love every bite.

I think I can go now! I'll probably log once in a while just to make sure I'm on track. I'm not doing anything different that most people here are, but, I got way more from calorie counting than I ever imagined.