How to move on
legnarevocrednu
Posts: 467 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hey guys. I know this is a weird spot to post this, but I'm going through something I'm hoping someone here can relate to and/or understand. I've lost 100 pounds and I've never felt more sad in my life. Sometimes I feel like losing the weight was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I get more attention from guys, I drink more, and I have more confidence. That all has led to some pretty bad mistakes and situations that I won't go into detail about. I ended up in basically a FWB relationship. The whole time he was saying he viewed it as something more, and so did I, but he wasn't "ready" for a relationship. Well, he has pretty much just broken it off with me. I have never really been involved with guys before my weight loss. I feel like I don't know what to do with these emotions. I'm regretting everything I have done. Any advice or insight on how to handle these emotions would be greatly appreciated. Again, sorry for the awkward, personal post.
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Replies
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Just took a look at your before and afters and you look amazing now. Very beautiful.
Just stop drinking so much, and be more wise with your decision making.
Also, maybe try wearing more clothing so men don't think "sex, sex, sex" when they see you. That's what my mom told me and now I know if a man ever approaches me, it's got nothing to do with my skin since...I'm not showing much
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Be better with your decisions.
If you cannot hand a FWB relationship, don't be in one. If you want more, then find the person who will give you more.
If drinking is an issue, don't drink as much.
Don't allow yourself to be valued by the "attention" you receive and then hurt when it isn't the attention you really want (if that makes sense).
Value yourself a little more.
And your emotions...completely normal after having someone break up with you.0 -
Is the problem the drinking leading to poor decisions? If so, drink less.
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
Know your true worth and don't settle for less. You deserve a real relationship. You deserve someone who will care for you as much or more as you care for them. You deserve to be courted. You deserve to feel cherished. You deserve a commitment. Holding out for these things is confidence.
Try not to beat yourself up over past mistakes. We've all made some and lived to tell the tale. Just decide what you want going forward and stick to it.0 -
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
This is not true. This is something women have been programmed to believe. It's not for everyone but believe it or not, some women are confident, independent, and secure enough in their own lives to just want some fun from a man.
Don't view your FWB as a regret but maybe a lesson learned. If you aren't interested in that type of situation, then now you know. That being said, you are allowed to have fun and enjoy your life and the only person to need to answer to is yourself. I'm sorry you ended up getting hurt but you will get better and you will move on. You have done an amazing thing for yourself and you should be very proud.0 -
Also, maybe try wearing more clothing so men don't think "sex, sex, sex" when they see you. That's what my mom told me and now I know if a man ever approaches me, it's got nothing to do with my skin since...I'm not showing much
This is not true. Us men think about sex even if you are wrapped in black bags.0 -
Personally I don't regret any (well pretty much any) of my bad decisions. I can look back and see why I did what I did. It was fun at the time, and even if it wasn't - I've learned from it.
This stuff seriously toughens a person up, and also if you're coming from a position of having low self-esteem and you've got healthier and slimmer and now are feeling better about yourself, you're going to get a lot more attention from better guys than him and in a while you will wonder how someone so far beneath you could make you feel crappy.
It feels **** at first and nothing anyone can say will make it feel better, but try not to let that feeling make you do something you actually will regret, or will end up making the sadness last longer (such as chasing after him).
I read something the other day I thought was cool as well, which I will have to paraphrase but it was basically along the lines of:
Sadness is good. In order to feel sad - you must have had happiness to compare it against. Similarly you'll have happiness in the future based off of this sadness. (It was a lot better written before I massacred it...)0 -
Every mistake is a learning experience, treat the situation as a lesson learned and decide what you want to do with it next. If you find that you can't handle a FWB relationship then don't allow yourself to get into them in future.
If you don't like who you are when you drink, stick to non-alcoholic beverages, you can still go out and be social without them.
If you never had relationships before losing weight then it's no surprise that you are finding these lessons hard to learn now, most of us go through these lessons at some point in our lives. There are very few people who can honestly say that they can look back with no regrets for choices they've made in the past. All you can do is keep on trucking, at at least this time you're doing it looking and feeling good physically!0 -
Embrace the pain of this moment. Take time to feel the pain, the hurt, and the betrayal. The truth is in life that if you are not taking risks, then you are not getting hurt-- but you never have the chance to find something greater.
If other people tell you they have never been crossed in love, they are either very lucky, or lying. Most of us experience it at a younger age, and we internalize those lessons. If you never took those kinds of risks when you were younger then you are experiencing it now.
Many great novels, songs, and art were created by people feeling the feelings you are having now. Those feelings of regret and loss are beautiful in their own way, because they are so universal. It's something we share as human beings.
I'm dismayed to see other people telling you that this happened because of how you dress, or your own insecurities. I guess none of them have ever had a relationship end up in a way that they didn't intend.
Just like the long, life-changing struggle of losing weight, you have learned from this experience too. You can choose to let this moment change you for the better, a rough time that polishes you even further into the person you ultimately want to be. This doesn't stop you and it isn't in your way. Move forward from here with the knowledge you have gained. Don't let this one person close you off to other people and new experiences, but do realize you may have to guard your heart in the future until someone has earned your trust.0 -
Hey guys. I know this is a weird spot to post this, but I'm going through something I'm hoping someone here can relate to and/or understand. I've lost 100 pounds and I've never felt more sad in my life. Sometimes I feel like losing the weight was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I get more attention from guys, I drink more, and I have more confidence. That all has led to some pretty bad mistakes and situations that I won't go into detail about. I ended up in basically a FWB relationship. The whole time he was saying he viewed it as something more, and so did I, but he wasn't "ready" for a relationship. Well, he has pretty much just broken it off with me. I have never really been involved with guys before my weight loss. I feel like I don't know what to do with these emotions. I'm regretting everything I have done. Any advice or insight on how to handle these emotions would be greatly appreciated. Again, sorry for the awkward, personal post.
Stop regretting, you made some mistakes, move on. Now you know that FWB is NOT for you. Not now anyway. I am a guy ok and when I read this, this is what I concluded. Keep in mind that I don't know you or the guy in question and I don't have the specifics:
Guy is having FWB relationship with you, it's all great and everyone is happy but I think what happened was that he just got tired of the FWB. He must have found something else or just got tired. Perhaps, he felt that you were signaling relationship.
Here is the thing though. Most guys that tell you that they are "not ready" for a relationship are FULL OF CRAP. What that means is that he is not ready for a relationship with YOU. That's because he only wants sex from you. That's it. I wish I could be nicer about it but it is what it is. It really is a way of letting you know that they are enjoying the occasional sex but nothing else.
Also, some guys will mess around with a girl for a per-determined time and then run away before the girl wants more. Keep in mind that not all guys are like this but this one sounds like it. At least to me. My 0.02.0 -
Is the problem the drinking leading to poor decisions? If so, drink less.
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
Know your true worth and don't settle for less. You deserve a real relationship. You deserve someone who will care for you as much or more as you care for them. You deserve to be courted. You deserve to feel cherished. You deserve a commitment. Holding out for these things is confidence.
Try not to beat yourself up over past mistakes. We've all made some and lived to tell the tale. Just decide what you want going forward and stick to it.
^^^ this
Respect yourself, first and foremost! Also, do not give guys control over you and/or how you feel. You have the control. You have the power to say yes or no to anyone. Let your intuition be your guide, for only you know what feels right and what feels wrong. Do not settle for less than you truly deserve!0 -
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
This is not true. This is something women have been programmed to believe. It's not for everyone but believe it or not, some women are confident, independent, and secure enough in their own lives to just want some fun from a man.
No, I wasn't "programmed to believe" it. Every single female friend of mine who went on and on about how wonderful the FWB thing was eventually regretted it. 100% of them.0 -
I went through this when I lost all my weight the first time, the same thing happened. My first boyfriend broke up with me, I was 18 and I hated all the guys in my local area. So, I turned to the net, and ended up with a madman. Literally, crazy. He was emotionally and physically abusive. It took me two weeks after he left for basic to realize I was free to leave.
I spiraled downward into bad relationship after bad relationship and the weight came right back on, and then some.
You're getting a lot of attention from a lot of guys. Instead of going out with a guy when he asks, suggest just talking for the first month. Just talk. Hang out (as friends) and get to know each other. As for getting over it, just go out. Find some local band's concert and go enjoy it. Go to the mall, go have a drink. (I'm assuming you're legal age) Hang out with your girl friends and have fun. And don't dwell on him. It will eat you alive.0 -
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
This is not true. This is something women have been programmed to believe. It's not for everyone but believe it or not, some women are confident, independent, and secure enough in their own lives to just want some fun from a man.
No, I wasn't "programmed to believe" it. Every single female friend of mine who went on and on about how wonderful the FWB thing was eventually regretted it. 100% of them.
Was just saying that, speaking from experience, this is not true for every woman and that it's not always only beneficial to a man and hurtful to a woman. Sometimes we can benefit as well. But it's obviously not for everyone and that's okay.0 -
You have learned that you do not want friends with benefits, all attention is not good attention, not too drink for you it leads to poor decisions, choose clothes that highlight yourself which is likely not tied to your wight and like one person said do not wear clothes that say sex,sex,sex. and you need more work on your self-confidence. You put so much work in your health and appearance your self-confidence deserves at least as much if not more. Now my hubby says it can always be worse alot~! so perhaps think of the actual ways it could have been worse have a good cry, then workout, surround yourself with good old friends even if it is just one, one good one is worth a million, family, and GOALS, and do not let FEAR guide you Trash bad places, FWB, superificial friends oh and take no excuses in the future. At my age, I finally learned that I have more control than I ever allowed myself, but it must be used wisely and with courage. Wish somone had just told me or I had guidance which I did not. Always remember, you can steer your path, happiness REALLY DOES begin with YOURSELF.0
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I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
This is not true. This is something women have been programmed to believe. It's not for everyone but believe it or not, some women are confident, independent, and secure enough in their own lives to just want some fun from a man.
No, I wasn't "programmed to believe" it. Every single female friend of mine who went on and on about how wonderful the FWB thing was eventually regretted it. 100% of them.
Not to hijack this thread and make it a FWB conversation...but just because your female friends had bad luck with it, doesnt mean its like that for everyone. I have 2 female friends who have done FWB type of relationships recently, and 1 has regretted it because it ruined her friendship and the other one has been doing it for 1.5 years now with no problem.
I do think FWB relationships dont usually work out because someone usually wants more from it and the other person doesnt...so it strains it....but saying that it only benefits the man is a dumb statement.0 -
There are times in your life you just have to stuff down old memories and move on. When they creep back into your mind, you just have to tell yourself you are not that person anymore and have moved on from that part of your life. Its hard, but gets better over time. Most people have things they dont really want to remember, but dont let that rule your life, or your thoughts!0
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Thanks so much! All of these responses have been incredibly insightful. Some more info to add to my situation: He has just told me that he actually IS ready for a relationship...just not with me. To the guy who said this, you were spot on! He said he tried to make a relationship work with me (I definitely don't agree with that at all but that's besides the point) and he thinks we are too different. I have begged him to tell me it's over (for the closure) and he refuses because he said he doesn't want to lose me completely. He now says he wants to think about it. I'm 28 years old and I feel completely ridiculous that I do not know how to handle this situation. I feel like an immature teenager.
To those who have asked about the drinking, yes I have overindulged too many times. I know this is a flaw of mine, and I'm hoping I can find enough self-control to stop doing it. It has gotten me in to some sticky situations.
To the people who addressed the clothing issue. I do not dress overly sexy. Nothing with my boobs hanging out and nothing too short. It just seems that the places I frequent (clubs/bars) the guys are only there for hookups. Duh right?
I think back on my life when I was bigger and I still reminisce. I know that I'm healthier now and I'm glad about that, but as far as my life goes, I wish I could have my "fat life" back. Not sure if that makes any sense. I am a completely different person now and I know that it is impossible. I realize how insane this sounds. Anyways. Thanks again for all of the great comments!!0 -
I have begged him to tell me it's over (for the closure) and he refuses because he said he doesn't want to lose me completely.
Ignore this.. this just means he wants to see how long he can continue to sleep with you. He knows by now what kind of relationship he wants. Just tell him no and move on, he sounds rather toxic.0 -
I have begged him to tell me it's over (for the closure) and he refuses because he said he doesn't want to lose me completely.
Ignore this.. this just means he wants to see how long he can continue to sleep with you. He knows by now what kind of relationship he wants. Just tell him no and move on, he sounds rather toxic.
Yes. This. Don't give him the power! You know you're miserable. He's not. You are the one who needs to end it in order to feel whole again.0 -
I would disagree that you have more confidence. Pride in a more attractive appearance is not "confidence", although I think people often confuse the two. Confident women do not get into FWB relationships because they only benefit the man and hurt the woman. Insecure women enter into those relationships.
This is not true. This is something women have been programmed to believe. It's not for everyone but believe it or not, some women are confident, independent, and secure enough in their own lives to just want some fun from a man.
No, I wasn't "programmed to believe" it. Every single female friend of mine who went on and on about how wonderful the FWB thing was eventually regretted it. 100% of them.
Not to hijack this thread and make it a FWB conversation...but just because your female friends had bad luck with it, doesnt mean its like that for everyone. I have 2 female friends who have done FWB type of relationships recently, and 1 has regretted it because it ruined her friendship and the other one has been doing it for 1.5 years now with no problem.
I do think FWB relationships dont usually work out because someone usually wants more from it and the other person doesnt...so it strains it....but saying that it only benefits the man is a dumb statement.
Well, if you mean I left out that it enables women with intimacy and commitment issues to avoid both, prolonging both and allowing them to remain stalled in immaturity rather than seeking growth, yes, it was a "dumb statement". So much for tact.0 -
Ok, I admit I don't get out much, but what is an FWB relationship?0
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I have begged him to tell me it's over (for the closure) and he refuses because he said he doesn't want to lose me completely.
Ignore this.. this just means he wants to see how long he can continue to sleep with you. He knows by now what kind of relationship he wants. Just tell him no and move on, he sounds rather toxic.
Yes. This. Don't give him the power! You know you're miserable. He's not. You are the one who needs to end it in order to feel whole again.
Agreed. He wants to get away with atrocious behavior and to harbor the hope that he can still show up at your flat, drunk, for a quickie.0 -
Ok, I admit I don't get out much, but what is an FWB relationship?
friends with benefits..
* and I don't mean health or dental0 -
okay - you don't need him to tell you it's over. take this from a previous hellraiser/heartbreaker/sorostitute slut. He is only saying he doesn't want to lose you completely because he wants you for the sex.
Ignore him. Cut him out completely and focus on YOU.
also, don't EVER regret anything you've done. You've made mistakes, and you learn from them. You take the good with the bad and become the best person you can be.
good luck doll :flowerforyou:0 -
OIC Well, I got nothin. I'm going to try to get out more.Ok, I admit I don't get out much, but what is an FWB relationship?
friends with benefits..
* and I don't mean health or dental0 -
I wrote a post about this warning s to eb careful and everyone was saying I was crazy and that grown women knew what they were doing. When a woman loses weight, it does boost her confidence but it can lead to very bad things as well. Women who were very obese at first even more. Dont beat yourself up. Make a plan on what you want to do with your life whether it be education, a family, or perfecting that beautiful body of yours even more. Dont settle for less at anytime and learn when to walk away. Also drinking can add those lbs right back on if your not careful. Just be wise in anything you do and live for you. And remember that if you are looking for someone special, you cant truely give that other person everything until you are completly ok with everything yourself. You cant make anyone happy if you arent happy basically. As for advice on the relationship. If it was just FWB, those NEVER work out and when they do its rare and feelings can get hurt b/c sex is a type of closeness and love and some people cant handle just having "fun" and moving on. Now that you know you arent that type of person, dont do it again. Like I said earlier make a plan. And list everythign you want in a man and what you want from you and what you have to offer. If the guy doesnt stand up to those standards then dont waste your time. Sorry you are going through a rough spot but it will get better 0
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very well said proudarmwife...
like every one has said don't regret your past, just learn from it,
you would never have learned anything by not doing it...
and you look wonderful..0 -
Thanks everyone! I'm still struggling with this guy. Trying to find the strength to just walk away. Your responses have been very kind.0
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Wise woman. She's 150% correct.I have begged him to tell me it's over (for the closure) and he refuses because he said he doesn't want to lose me completely.
Ignore this.. this just means he wants to see how long he can continue to sleep with you. He knows by now what kind of relationship he wants. Just tell him no and move on, he sounds rather toxic.0
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