The Kind of "Support" that isnt support at all...
FiercelyBeautiful
Posts: 590 Member
Yes this is kindove a rant, my first one on MFP. My mom came over this morning and told me that she and my brother were talking and they are concerned about me. That they dont want me to become like Madonna (look like her, so weird and random I know) and look hard and used up because I exercise too much. For one thing I only worked out 3 days this week because I fell ill, so I probably didnt look so good when my brother saw me on Friday because I am SICK not "used" up. It urked me that they were talking about me in the first place especially since my brother has never even complimented my weight-loss, now he is worried I will get too thin? Really? I am 5' 6" and 168.4lbs, I am not even at a "healthy" weight yet. These kinds of discussions are discouraging and insulting. I have explained to my mom that since I have never and I mean NEVER been under 200+ lbs since 8th grade that this is an intensive emotional and physical transition. I have had ups and downs but I have continued to work on myself as a whole. I have never seen this person before and neither has the rest of the world. I dont have anything to compare it to, I wasnt thin in high school. I tried to respond gracefully by reminding her that I am healthy and that I am human and this is a life change so it is an imperfect, ever evolving process. I know she is trying to show me love but I think my life change makes them uncomfortable. She has also stated that she doesnt want to see me get man legs and bulk up too much. Why cant I just have my body be the way I want it to be? I dont think it is bad to set and achieve goals, maybe she and my brother think I look great for me but is it wrong to want to be able to wear a two peice just once in my life? Even if I never get there I still want to work toward it and be able to say I tried. Loving myself inside and out is what this is all about, not a clothing size or a bikini; but that is a perk for most once they get to that point. I have lost almost 63 pounds over two years, it hasnt been fast and I have not starved myself, I have taken it slow and I just dont need the people I love manipulating my hard work and dedication into something destructive. That is why I was chubby my whole life, because of that kind of environment. I love them but this kind of perception really frustrates me. My goal is 150lbs and I dont think most of you who have been in my shoes would say that is unreasonable at all especially given that, that is on the larger end of the average for my height (I do carry a pretty significant amount of muscle). Anyway, it just hurt and I needed somewhere to vent about it.
Thanks!
xoxo
Thanks!
xoxo
0
Replies
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Everyone has their own agenda. You're getting healthy, which puts a spotlight on what's not healthy around you, including family. That's uncomfortable for them and they want it to stop. That's their own issue. Keep the focus on yourself. You've done an excellent job losing all that weight in a healthy and responsible way. You're breaking the chain and making new patterns. It's freeing and wonderful. Revel in the New You!0
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Everyone has their own agenda. You're getting healthy, which puts a spotlight on what's not healthy around you, including family. That's uncomfortable for them and they want it to stop. That's their own issue. Keep the focus on yourself. You've done an excellent job losing all that weight in a healthy and responsible way. You're breaking the chain and making new patterns. It's freeing and wonderful. Revel in the New You!
Thank You!:)0 -
Well done to you for making a change to your life x
You can not please all the people all of the time! Are your brother and mother overweight?
I see you joined in January of 2011 have you lost the 62lbs over the whole period or have you lost more weight of recent?
The reason I ask is that I noticed some days you eat under the 1200 cals recommended. I hope you didn`t think I was snooping but I am just trying get an idea of how they think that you maybe losing a lot of weight fast
People always talk about others `behind their backs` it`s normal so I wouldn`t worry about it too much if it is with the right intentions.
Maybe sit them both down and explain how you feel? They are your family at the end of the day and if the shoe were on the other foot with a family member, then maybe you would feel better if they reassured you?
Be you and be happy x0 -
I am sick right now so I ate way less than normal yesterday but I generally eat around 1400-15000
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Family. . . and especially Moms. I don't understand why they don't learn how much it harms us to say things that they do.
I think you said it right. This is a big change emotionally. It is for them, as well. Try to forgive them if you can - I know it is hard. My mother never stopped with her insensitive comments. The don't realize how much they are missing out on a happier relationship with us. Very complex and confusing, for sure.0 -
I am sick right now so I ate way less than normal yesterday but I generally eat around 1400-1500
Rasgirl, I am not the food police, I am just trying to understand their concerns x0 -
What about not engaging in this topic with them,
it is your own business and you need nobody to approve
What matters is how you feel about you, and
by the way you describe it that must br awesome!
Dont waste your energy on the negative, shrug it off and
focus on what matters, you go girl!0 -
As a previous poster said, you can't please everyone all the time!
Good for you for making a change and deciding what YOU want to look like. Your mum or brother aren't the ones in your body so they have no right to judge how choose to be. I can understand concern but if you're healthy I don't see the issue.
You're doing great, keep up the hard work and you'll achieve your goals!
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Good job to you for losing the weight in a healthy way!
I can sort of relate to this with my mother and a conversation she and I had the other day. I mentioned to her that I'd joined a gym and had lost x amount of weight since she'd last seen me and she told me that I needed to get my act together and get healthy...all you can say in these situations is that you are working to the best of your ability to live a life which is healthy for you. If that doesn't satisfy the nay sayers...well, we can't please them all, and you and I get the unpleasant task of letting words from someone we love roll away. The thing to remember is that they love us, and just are not sure how to love us right now during this point in our lives in a way that supports us.0 -
They don't want you to look like Madonna? Are they not aware that Madonna is 55 years old? Most of us can only dream that we would look so good as we approach our senior years.
In any case, who are your family to dictate to you what you "should" look like? Would you allow them to select your clothing or hair style or makeup? Why should they also select your body type?
Your story has me really angry, because your family is basically saying, "Stay fat so we can still like you." And that is messed up.0 -
It seems like your mom may not have a good understanding about the benefits of exercise for overall health and well being. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Don't let your mom or brother get you down.0
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If you have never been this size before, then maybe it's an uncomfortable change for your family - they are used to you being a certain way, and they have good experiences of you being that way, so they don't know what to expect with the fact that you have changed and are continuing to change. I think this is common when someone changes in a way that they've never changed before.
If you reassure them that you're looking after your health, and that you are reducing risk of various diseases, and that your doctor has given positive feedback, that should hopefully make them less concerned and freer to support you without reservations.0 -
Okay, so I am 5' 6" and right now I am a hair under 155 lbs. at 42 years old and I promise you that I don't look used up! LOL! I would guarantee them that you won't either at the ripe old age of 30! The whole idea is so ridiculous, it's hilarious! :laugh: Madonna is a 54 year-old woman who can dance and prance with more energy than many people 30 years younger than her, so I don't get how she looks "used up". Used up is the 54 year-old who is too overweight and unhealthy to get her butt off the couch to do anything. I'm sure some of us here wouldn't mind at all looking as used up as Madonna when we hit her age compared to how we've looked at our highest weight - I sure wouldn't!Yes this is kindove a rant, my first one on MFP. My mom came over this morning and told me that she and my brother were talking and they are concerned about me. That they dont want me to become like Madonna (look like her, so weird and random I know) and look hard and used up because I exercise too much. For one thing I only worked out 3 days this week because I fell ill, so I probably didnt look so good when my brother saw me on Friday because I am SICK not "used" up. It urked me that they were talking about me in the first place especially since my brother has never even complimented my weight-loss, now he is worried I will get too thin? Really? I am 5' 6" and 168.4lbs, I am not even at a "healthy" weight yet. These kinds of discussions are discouraging and insulting. I have explained to my mom that since I have never and I mean NEVER been under 200+ lbs since 8th grade that this is an intensive emotional and physical transition. I have had ups and downs but I have continued to work on myself as a whole. I have never seen this person before and neither has the rest of the world. I dont have anything to compare it to, I wasnt thin in high school. I tried to respond gracefully by reminding her that I am healthy and that I am human and this is a life change so it is an imperfect, ever evolving process. I know she is trying to show me love but I think my life change makes them uncomfortable. She has also stated that she doesnt want to see me get man legs and bulk up too much. Why cant I just have my body be the way I want it to be? I dont think it is bad to set and achieve goals, maybe she and my brother think I look great for me but is it wrong to want to be able to wear a two peice just once in my life? Even if I never get there I still want to work toward it and be able to say I tried. Loving myself inside and out is what this is all about, not a clothing size or a bikini; but that is a perk for most once they get to that point. I have lost almost 63 pounds over two years, it hasnt been fast and I have not starved myself, I have taken it slow and I just dont need the people I love manipulating my hard work and dedication into something destructive. That is why I was chubby my whole life, because of that kind of environment. I love them but this kind of perception really frustrates me. My goal is 150lbs and I dont think most of you who have been in my shoes would say that is unreasonable at all especially given that, that is on the larger end of the average for my height (I do carry a pretty significant amount of muscle). Anyway, it just hurt and I needed somewhere to vent about it.
Thanks!
xoxo
I'm not laughing at your situation though! It can't be easy when family seem to be unsupportive, or even worse... discouraging of your efforts! Really, if she wants to compare you to someone, how about it not being someone who is old enough to be your mother! Argue back with that. Otherwise, it's not a fair comparison - you are young and your goal is not become underweight, so I don't see what the concern is. There aren't any famous celebs who are 30 and look used up though. That's just crazy. I hope you can get enough support elsewhere (like from MFP!) so you don't let this get you down.0 -
Okay, so I am 5' 6" and right now I am a hair under 155 lbs. at 42 years old and I promise you that I don't look used up! LOL! I would guarantee them that you won't either at the ripe old age of 30! The whole idea is so ridiculous, it's hilarious! :laugh: Madonna is a 54 year-old woman who can dance and prance with more energy than many people 30 years younger than her, so I don't get how she looks "used up". Used up is the 54 year-old who is too overweight and unhealthy to get her butt off the couch to do anything. I'm sure some of us here wouldn't mind at all looking as used up as Madonna when we hit her age compared to how we've looked at our highest weight - I sure wouldn't!Yes this is kindove a rant, my first one on MFP. My mom came over this morning and told me that she and my brother were talking and they are concerned about me. That they dont want me to become like Madonna (look like her, so weird and random I know) and look hard and used up because I exercise too much. For one thing I only worked out 3 days this week because I fell ill, so I probably didnt look so good when my brother saw me on Friday because I am SICK not "used" up. It urked me that they were talking about me in the first place especially since my brother has never even complimented my weight-loss, now he is worried I will get too thin? Really? I am 5' 6" and 168.4lbs, I am not even at a "healthy" weight yet. These kinds of discussions are discouraging and insulting. I have explained to my mom that since I have never and I mean NEVER been under 200+ lbs since 8th grade that this is an intensive emotional and physical transition. I have had ups and downs but I have continued to work on myself as a whole. I have never seen this person before and neither has the rest of the world. I dont have anything to compare it to, I wasnt thin in high school. I tried to respond gracefully by reminding her that I am healthy and that I am human and this is a life change so it is an imperfect, ever evolving process. I know she is trying to show me love but I think my life change makes them uncomfortable. She has also stated that she doesnt want to see me get man legs and bulk up too much. Why cant I just have my body be the way I want it to be? I dont think it is bad to set and achieve goals, maybe she and my brother think I look great for me but is it wrong to want to be able to wear a two peice just once in my life? Even if I never get there I still want to work toward it and be able to say I tried. Loving myself inside and out is what this is all about, not a clothing size or a bikini; but that is a perk for most once they get to that point. I have lost almost 63 pounds over two years, it hasnt been fast and I have not starved myself, I have taken it slow and I just dont need the people I love manipulating my hard work and dedication into something destructive. That is why I was chubby my whole life, because of that kind of environment. I love them but this kind of perception really frustrates me. My goal is 150lbs and I dont think most of you who have been in my shoes would say that is unreasonable at all especially given that, that is on the larger end of the average for my height (I do carry a pretty significant amount of muscle). Anyway, it just hurt and I needed somewhere to vent about it.
Thanks!
xoxo
I'm not laughing at your situation though! It can't be easy when family seem to be unsupportive, or even worse... discouraging of your efforts! Really, if she wants to compare you to someone, how about it not being someone who is old enough to be your mother! Argue back with that. Otherwise, it's not a fair comparison - you are young and your goal is not become underweight, so I don't see what the concern is. There aren't any famous celebs who are 30 and look used up though. That's just crazy. I hope you can get enough support elsewhere (like from MFP!) so you don't let this get you down.
Yeah! It was a very odd choice lol in my opinion. I think she was thinking of a time when madonna didnt look so good? I dont know but her point was that they think I look healthy now and if I keep going I will look tired and frail or something. I do have very large ribs and hip bones but that is genetic as is my muscle, I cant help that. I definitely am not frail or even close. I think they are self conscious aout their own weight in addition to being unfamiliar with this new me. She said "you started out being happy to be under 200lbs", well yes but goals change, there is nothing wrong with aspiring to be a healthy weight and increasing my goals as I reach them!0 -
*kitten* 'em all.
I get spoken to/yelled at/ explain to, all the time by people that have no idea what they are talking about. I was 250 pounds for so long, everyone got use to seeing me that way. I am now 170 pounds, at the upper end of the BMI NORMAL scale, and everyone says I am too thin.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I am not too THIN. All the complainers are toooooo FAT and basically want me to be fat. I am sure it is the same for you.
Good luck in your journey and keep on going. You are doing great.0 -
I'm kinda on the same boat.. I've been overweight my whole life and my mother is also over weight.. she enables me a lot and since she is very emotional I cant really speak to her about it without her crying saying that i'm calling her a bad mother.. it works both ways mine and your situation. I want to get better and healthier but I don't want my mother to feel like a failure.. I have to learn how to balance.. and maybe you need to balance out your family and health. always reassure them that your doing this for you and that you've been to the doctors and that he or she says that there's nothing wrong with you.. tell them what has inspired you to loose weight.. don't take their concerns offensive.. and hear them out but you know whats the truth if you know what there saying isn't true just tell them that you understand and just keep on believe what you believe.. as long as your happy, other peoples opinions (even if it is family) shouldn't effect you.. be confident in who you are and i think when you learn to balance that you wont feel like your family is attacking you and maybe you'll just see it as they love you and want whats best for you in their eyes..
Also I think your an inspiration for women like me.. I'm 291lbs and trying to loose weight the same way you did.. so just to know that you did it and in a healthy way is awesome.. keep up the good work.. believe in yourself.. and love your family even when they piss you off lol..0 -
Hello, just reading all the posts on this topic and wondering if Moms and other family members are maybe jealous of your dedication and weight loss?? It isn't that we are saying they are bad mothers, it is just that we are wanting to break the chain and live a healthier lifestyle. Have to say, it was my daughter that introduced me to MFP and we are in this together. Motivating and cheering each other along the way. We are not in it to "out do" each other but share in each others achievements and also share the down times. I wonder perhaps if the family members that are "concerned" about your weight losses might benefit from joining MFP? Even if only to help them understand how it all works. Just sharing a few thoughts.0
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I'm kinda on the same boat.. I've been overweight my whole life and my mother is also over weight.. she enables me a lot and since she is very emotional I cant really speak to her about it without her crying saying that i'm calling her a bad mother.. it works both ways mine and your situation. I want to get better and healthier but I don't want my mother to feel like a failure.. I have to learn how to balance.. and maybe you need to balance out your family and health. always reassure them that your doing this for you and that you've been to the doctors and that he or she says that there's nothing wrong with you.. tell them what has inspired you to loose weight.. don't take their concerns offensive.. and hear them out but you know whats the truth if you know what there saying isn't true just tell them that you understand and just keep on believe what you believe.. as long as your happy, other peoples opinions (even if it is family) shouldn't effect you.. be confident in who you are and i think when you learn to balance that you wont feel like your family is attacking you and maybe you'll just see it as they love you and want whats best for you in their eyes..
Also I think your an inspiration for women like me.. I'm 291lbs and trying to loose weight the same way you did.. so just to know that you did it and in a healthy way is awesome.. keep up the good work.. believe in yourself.. and love your family even when they piss you off lol..
I don't want to get into the whole psychology thing with you here but: I understand your mom is very emotional and all that. Does she realize she is/was killing you? 1 by enabling you. 2 By using her emotions to prey on your feelings.0 -
Hello, just reading all the posts on this topic and wondering if Moms and other family members are maybe jealous of your dedication and weight loss?? It isn't that we are saying they are bad mothers, it is just that we are wanting to break the chain and live a healthier lifestyle. Have to say, it was my daughter that introduced me to MFP and we are in this together. Motivating and cheering each other along the way. We are not in it to "out do" each other but share in each others achievements and also share the down times. I wonder perhaps if the family members that are "concerned" about your weight losses might benefit from joining MFP? Even if only to help them understand how it all works. Just sharing a few thoughts.
I agree with you here. ALOT of the family stuff is pure, pure jealousy and much much guilty conscious. Especially from the overweight parents. Because, let's face it. If you are overwieght/obese from early childhood, it was our parents that enabled us.0 -
All you can do is continue to assure them that you are fine, not too thin, and know what you are doing. If they want to worry, that's THEIR problem.
They have never seen you thin so they don't know what to expect and that's part of the reason for the way they are acting. Again, its THEIR problem. You just keep on doing what you are doing and continued success on your weight loss!!0 -
Excellent job on losing slowly - your body and skin will thank you as you wont have the "skinny-fat" look due to too much loose skin. And if your fam is worried about the bulking up - tell them the only way to do that is if you pound protein & heavy weights and not eat any fats. I eat a good mix of foods, but I also work on muscle at low weights/high reps to build & accentuate what I naturally have (like you, I naturally have a lot of muscle which is why I'm just under 5'6" and 150-155 lbs), and I look healthy now - healthier now than I've ever been.
They may not understand right now, they may even be jealous that you have been taking a step to being healthier & living longer, but as they see you progress & build on your natural assets, they will realize that being healthy and happy are two of the biggest keys to a long life.
Don't ever give up - you're doing this for you, for your healthy, for your life. No one else can live it for you, so you need to be comfortable in your skin for you and only you. As you said, this is a lifestyle, not just a change, but a better chance at life. Enjoy & Congrats!!0 -
When I received comments like this when I lost weight many years ago I reminded people that they were comparing my new weight with my old (heavy) weight, not with the healthy weight of normal people. They said that was a good point.0
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Has anyone ever heard of an intervention when the family comes over and says
'we know you eat out 3 times a week and don't have time for exercise. We worry you will be fat and spotty from poor health''
No so why butt in because I obsess about being healthy?!?!
**rant totally justified**0 -
Just keep going to what you want to be. Shrug it off the best you can and remember that this is for you not them.0
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What they said was no doubt rooted in some insecurity, but that doesn't excuse it. It was insulting and bizarre.
Family or not, I would have turned to them both and delivered the deathblow of insults: "You ought to have higher standards for both me and you."0 -
When I received comments like this when I lost weight many years ago I reminded people that they were comparing my new weight with my old (heavy) weight, not with the healthy weight of normal people. They said that was a good point.
I totally agree with this! They know me one way that is separate from the real world, its a difficult transition for me much less for them.0 -
Has anyone ever heard of an intervention when the family comes over and says
'we know you eat out 3 times a week and don't have time for exercise. We worry you will be fat and spotty from poor health''
No so why butt in because I obsess about being healthy?!?!
**rant totally justified**
Ironic isnt it? i Think if they were healthy maybe this would be the opposite scenario but my entire family is overweight so that is the norm. I do love them completely I just want to make that clear, I love and respect my mom; just dislike some of the things she says/thinks lol.0 -
You look stunning! Congrats on making changes that are going to make sure that you are here for the rest of your life healthy for your babies! (who consequently are absolutely adorable) My Mom does the same thing to me all the time, when I lose weight she keeps harping at me not to gain it, when I have a few grey hairs she says that I need to do something about it and when I do she then tells me that I do not look right. I give I think it is a mom thing to be critical but think that it is loving advice.
Unsolicited advice but in their eyes loving none the less.... LOL
You look fantastic and keep doing what you are doing if it makes you happy!0 -
So sorry this happened. I get a lot of weight critizism from my dad since high school and i know how much it hurts because you love your parents and always want their approval but you are doing awesome.
Just stick to your goal and stand firm with you you want. Dont let your mom stir you to give up or upset you. You feel strongly about this and your dedication to weight loss has paid of because you look great and feel great. Just assure your mom you know what you are doing and you appreciate her concern but you are determined to reach your goal no matter what anybody says. Remind her how great you feel inside and out and how it has changed your life for the better. She should understand and if she does not don't worry about it. Sometimes we have to make ourselves happy and not worry about what moms or dads think or family members think.
Just blame it on ignorance. That is what I do.0 -
Okay, so I am 5' 6" and right now I am a hair under 155 lbs. at 42 years old and I promise you that I don't look used up! LOL! I would guarantee them that you won't either at the ripe old age of 30!I am 5' 6" and 168.4lbs, I am not even at a "healthy" weight yet. These kinds of discussions are discouraging and insulting. I have explained to my mom that since I have never and I mean NEVER been under 200+ lbs since 8th grade that this is an intensive emotional and physical transition. I have had ups and downs but I have continued to work on myself as a whole.
My goal is 150lbs and I dont think most of you who have been in my shoes would say that is unreasonable at all especially given that, that is on the larger end of the average for my height (I do carry a pretty significant amount of muscle). Anyway, it just hurt and I needed somewhere to vent about it.
I am 5'6" and will be 42 in a few months. When I was 155# the summer between high school and college, the doctor giving me my physical said that I could lose about 5#. I gained the frosh 15, and have never been below 160 since. Christmas of 2008 I was 264. I am nearly 50 pounds less than that now, and I am shooting for 150 as well.
Your goals are healthy. You are becoming healthy. The people in your life, well, they need some adjusting time. Sometimes people in your life want to "own" your success--they come in at the 11th hour with a few suggestions, and then can magically see themselves as the hero. :grumble: :grumble: You are your own hero. The hero always has a battle with self before she is ready to battle others. Hang in there and be true to yourself. They will come around.:bigsmile: :bigsmile:0
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