Should I let a toxic friend know I am thinking about her?

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  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
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    I'm confused. Why did you buy her a gift in the first place?
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    It sounds to me like you really didn't want to end the friendship. This might be kind of harsh. I'm not trying to be mean, but...

    No one in life is perfect, but when you care about someone you have to look past their flaws. It doesn't seem to me like you have been a very good friend to her if you care about her this much, but couldn't get past her flaws. Since you couldn't really accept her for the way she is, then it is probably best that you ended this friendship. I wouldn't send her a gift. If you ended this friendship on good terms, you might call and wish her a happy birthday. But I wouldn't do much more than that.
  • survivor1952
    survivor1952 Posts: 250 Member
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    I have a toxic relative that I no longer communicate with. My advice, do not send/give the gift, do not send a card. Your life is healthier without toxic relationships. It may take you years to come to terms with this but it is true.
  • diadojikohei
    diadojikohei Posts: 732 Member
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    With age comes experience, take it from me, make a clean break, don't look back, there are lots of people out there who would be be in a mutual friendship with you, not a one sided taking friendship.
  • _Elemenopee_
    _Elemenopee_ Posts: 2,665 Member
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    I'd say you already know the answer. Keep/return the gift and move on...for good this time.
  • jfrog123
    jfrog123 Posts: 432 Member
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    Mixed signals. You came to terms with the fact that this friendship was not healthy for you and you moved on. Let her do the same.
  • 1104Jen
    1104Jen Posts: 27
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    gift=mixed signals

    ^this
  • m0_0m
    m0_0m Posts: 265 Member
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    I think it's important to let people know they're on your mind. I would shoot her a text/ facebook msg/ card (whatever your fancy) and tell her so and leave it at that. No gifts.
  • dldnvr
    dldnvr Posts: 22 Member
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    No do not send the gift or card.

    Sounds like you may have some mixed feelings. You wanted to end this friendship but you still purchased a gift. I know what your feeling and have been there.

    You need to examine your own feeling, and detemine if this is a relationship you do not want to have anymore. It sounds like you have already done that even though it may be difficult for you. Part of this is you letting go.

    As for this other person, you may have no idea what they are feeling or how they will respond. They may very sad at the loss of your friendship and just hoping that it can be rekindled. Sending a gift would be a bad signal that the relationship still exists and give them false hope that it to be rekindled, even if not intended this can be rather mean, rather than what I think you intend.

    On the other hand the person may not really care about the friendship, even though it sounds like you did to a degree. I'm thinking sending the gift can only backfire on you and may make it harder for you.
  • melsmith612
    melsmith612 Posts: 727 Member
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    My toxic friend "broke up" with me a couple years ago (I was a little too realistic when she asked for advice and that became a problem for her) and it literally hurts me when her birthday rolls around and I can't call her or send a card or even just text her a funny picture of my dog in a birthday hat... we were friends for 14 years before she decided I was not a good friend anymore. But for everyone's sake I have refrained from calling, writing or sending gifts/cards. I would suggest you do the same unless you want to be part of her daily drama.
  • Melolicious
    Melolicious Posts: 71 Member
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    Don't send the gift, don't send the card. If you are thinking about her and want to honour her birthday, do a random act of kindness in honour of her. Spread some joy, skip the drama, avoid the mixed messages,
    You were friends for a while and while there were parts that you liked, there were more that you didn't. If you like her generosity, treat the stranger behind you at Starbucks for a coffee and smile and think of the good parts of your friends memory. Friendships die, let them... but you can mourn and remember them.
  • Sixalicious
    Sixalicious Posts: 283 Member
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    Say a prayer for her and keep moving forward. It's the best gift you have to offer her, it doesn't involve you spending money on her or having direct contact with her. If life is peaceful without her then there is no sense of giving that door a chance to open up again.
  • Marc713
    Marc713 Posts: 328 Member
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    I have one of those currently I need to deal with so I feel your pain.

    I personally feel communication is paramount in any relationship, be it friends, family, or a romantic relationship. So, perhaps if you tell her all the things you just said maybe you can help her overcome her issues. I mean, usually people just are who they are, but what if she didn’t realize these things about herself and you do her a favor and help her grow as a person? I mean if you really do care about her, being honest isn’t going to hurt if you have already written off the friendship. Lots of us have decided to change unhealthy things about ourselves by being fit, active, getting thinner, etc. Perhaps she’s open to positive change as well?

    Just be sure to tell her that you have established healthy boundaries in your life and you have no room for any of that drama or other B.S. she was bringing you down with. Who knows, you might get your friend back, and if not, at least she doesn’t have to wonder why and you can move on with a totally clear conscience. Either way it puts it on her to fix what’s broke, or prove that you moving on and ending the friendship was the right choice.
  • MoveTheMountain
    MoveTheMountain Posts: 764
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    A few months ago, I ended a longtime, toxic friendship. She was a great friend in so many ways, but she was a drama magnet and it was physically and emotionally draining to hear about all of her issues on a daily basis.

    Today is my ex-friend's birthday, and I bought her a gift which I was thinking of mailing to her house. I want her to know I love her and will always wish the best for her, but I do not want to re-kindle our friendship and I don't want to give mixed signals.

    I don't know if I should deliver the gift or not... any thoughts?

    Re-read your first paragraph and the answer should become pretty clear...
  • ash8184
    ash8184 Posts: 701 Member
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    I am dealing with this exact same situation right now with a friend of 14+ years.

    If I were you (and I may be if I break the friendship off), I would send a card and just say something upbeat and positive like "A very happy birthday and many more. I wish you the best now and in the future!" and that way, you can always feel good about the way you left things.
  • Lift_This_
    Lift_This_ Posts: 2,756 Member
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    if she is your ex best friend and toxic leave her the hell alone....i have a very toxic ex best friend and could give two ****s about her....so it may be her birthday drop it!!!!
  • mllst18
    mllst18 Posts: 188 Member
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    gift=mixed signals

    AGREE!
  • Pedalpush
    Pedalpush Posts: 246 Member
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    Don't send the gift, don't send the card. If you are thinking about her and want to honour her birthday, do a random act of kindness in honour of her.


    ^^^oooh yeah yeah this!
  • 2muchsauce
    2muchsauce Posts: 1,078
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    Don't send it.............don't call.............don't look back
  • NeverGivesUp
    NeverGivesUp Posts: 960 Member
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    Let toxic people go. You would be initiating something by making contact. I just ended the toxic and hurtful relationship with my mother. Obviously this was awful and killer but the relationship got to the point where it caused so much more pain then happiness. Let her go and learn from what the relationship taught you. You treat others how to treat you. If you go back, then you are asking for abuse. The first time was shame on them, the second time is shame on you.

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