Ladies would you..? men what would you do..?

well I can relate, not so much in the proposing thing but in the long distance thing. My husband worked in Australia for two years while I was in England . I had the same situation where I basically couldn't expect to work in anything like the level I can in the UK or NZ where I am from and feel too old to retrain (I'm 44).
While he was away it did intensify our relationship, we were also in touch constantly through skype and text etc, which can be such a drain emotionally. Finally after two years it got to a point where I felt, we're either married or we are not. So he came back to the UK and tried to make it work for his career even though the opportunities in Australia are so much better for him.
Long and short of it I felt in the long run he was the higher earner and also a lot younger and too young at 31 to sacrifice his career for me so we've ended up in Australia. He has supported me for the last few months and I seem to be about to get a fantastic job in a completely different field, it won't be well paying but it will be interesting. So its worked out.
Basically you do have to be practical. Talk to him frankly, and if you both still want to be in a marriage, I always think the person who earns the most gets to keep their job, and the other person has to make the sacrifices. If you are younger you have time to learn italian, maybe you can get work teaching English or something if you are degree educated. You have to be practical don't ruin your life over it but at the same time we work to live not live to work, so if making some career sacrifices mean you can have a family with the right person thats important too. Marriage and relationships do involve give and take.
Won't be any good being a lonely career woman facing 40 wondering what might have been.
But you do sound a bit headstrong, it should be a shared decision he may not even want you to give your career up for him. You need to ask him what he wants?

Gender roles are fairly close to obsolete. If you want him go get him, I doubt he would hold that against you.

we've discussed all of this ad nauseum - so we are definitely on the same page.

i'll let you guys know what happens

I hope everything works out how you want it!

My sister recently proposed to her boyfriend earlier this year. They have been together for 11 years and have a daughter but he was never into the whole marriage thing. He knows he wants to spend his life with my sister but everyone knew he would never propose. So, my sister decided to wear the pants for once and we all supported her. They are now engaged and are getting married next year. I say do it!

Since I don't believe love exists, I think it's silly to throw your life away for something like this. It's more of a 'I can't have it and really want it' thing, IMO. Once you guys have each other, the dynamic will change quickly. In 10 years, one of you will harbor ill feelings for the other person ruining your life. Just my opinion on the topic.

Before you propose, is there any way one of you can move to be together. If not it will never, ever work. And, if you can then try that for a while, don't live together, just live near each other. Then you can hang out together, get to know each other better, discover all those little things that are so annoying you know it's true love because you will happily put up with it to be with him. Hope it all works out.

Stop making excuses and one of you move to be with the other. The bs about not finding work is a cop out. If you two want to be together, make it work. I'd clean outhouses if that's what I had to do for work so I could be with my wife.

This!

I wouldn't propose, but that's a whole different thing IMO. I'd definitely get back with him and sort things out so that you can be together - I'm sure there's a job there he can do to bring in money. Even if at first it's not want he wants to do, it's something, you could be together.

i purposed and i'll never do it again.

Why- EXACTLY- is it that the two of you don't research different areas where you could both work in your respective job fields? You speak English, that much is clear. Unless you speak Italian, so must he. That opens up a TON of really HUGE countries to live in.

in my opinion a woman should never have to resort to asking a man to be her boyfriend or husband. it gives the wrong idea and sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. it shows that you're "wearing the pants" and i only advise proposing if you are ok with opening doors for him and that you'll be the one making the decisions in your relationship.

again this is all my opinion from my own experience and i don't speak on behalf of anyone else but myself. i read somewhere on here that "the gender roles are obsolete" and i couldn't agree more. unfortunately this is a negative thing in my case. I blame the woman's rights movement rightfully, yet this was an unforeseen unfortunate effect. All in all, when it comes down to it, i'd like to be treated like a lady and not have to assume the role of a man or a dominant figure. it's called chivalry and i know its dead but i guess i'm just old fashioned, explains why i'm single i guess. in no way am i saying the woman should be ENTIRELY catered to, i believe there should be balance but when it comes to things like asking a woman to be his wife.... it should be the man. it shows the woman that she is worthy in his eyes, and what girl wouldn't want to know that, with all feminist opinions aside. after all, a woman is gods gift to man, if you believe in that sorta thing which majority of america does, so stay on the pedestal! don't demote yourself because you're impatient. Let him prove he's worthy of you. *i can already hear all the nay sayers talking about equality and blah blah* shut up its my OPINION!

also, think about it this way, if a man hasn't introduced himself, asked you to be his girlfriend, or asked you to marry him he probably just isn't that into you, nor does he hardly think you're worth it otherwise he'd of ran the risk of embarrassment and rejection and just done it because he'd of thought you were worth it! so why would you waste your time and effort on someone who lacks that vision and thinks of you as an honor? move on and find someone who DOES think you're worth it. I personally wouldn't ask again. it's ok to be confident and a "go getter" but when it comes to situations like this be patient or move on.

let me share something i've learned through experience, the relationships where i was the pursuer were nowhere NEAR as significant to me as the ones where the man pursued me. why? because the ones i initiated ended up having self esteem issues or had little to no self confidence *gasp* surprised? you shouldn't be. they relied on me to be the aggressor which is ok from time to time but in my case it was always this way, it was never balanced which led me to feel nothing like a lady and always the one with the balls. I had to make majority of the decisions (not only just for the wedding i mean in the entire relationship), i did plan the whole wedding, i spoke on behalf of him a lot, stood up for him, planned dates, vacations etc. and i was left feeling like he misunderstood me thinking that i liked being in charge all the time which i absolutely did not, yes i do take most of the blame for this. I am an aggressive, bold, strong woman but he really lost sight of the simple fact that regardless of how i "come off", i am ultimately absolutely still a woman and have "softer needs". i never got to explore that side of me because it was left under the rug where i swept it and he kept it. i'm not saying our entire relationship was terrible because we did have some good times, i just wish some of those times he would of been the one to initiate it. it would of made me feel balanced. why does it matter? because when you're the ONLY one doing ANYTHING in a relationship doesn't matter what it is, it gets old. it was a lesson well learned. I will never make the mistake of asking a man to be my boyfriend or husband again.

side note- the night i asked him to marry me, he later waited til we were absolutely alone and shared with me that i made him really uncomfortable and made him feel less of a man. that he wanted to do it. i said something smart *kitten* like "yeah, well i beat you to it" because at the time i really did feel like he could of gone 5 more years without a proposal and i wasn't gonna let that happen. That was stupid of me to let my ego get the best of me and make a crappy decision. never again.

Again!! this is my personal opinion and observation from my own experience. does NOT mean it will happen to you or anyone else, but just something to think about. Balance is key to happiness, will you doing this throw off the balance in your relationship for you? Just something to consider.

btw, he still believes i'm "the one" for him, it's really sad, but i know its because he misses having me around doing everything for him. yes, he was/is a mamas boy. surprised? you shouldn't be.

.s.

Well said Steph. :flowerforyou:

thank you!

Me and my...now husband were just talking about some married friends of ours and it led to discussing future things, which led to the subject of marriage for us, We had been dating for a year, so we kinda both decided to get married. We've been married for 15 years now, and honestly I think I love him more now than I did then. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am old fashion, I would'nt do it. I think the man should ask for a womans hand in marriage,

Its romantic and probably one of the only things left that a man has now adays that a woman cant take away from or compete with.

Yeah, I said it, I went there.:smokin:

Nah. I honestly can't imagine proposing.


Good luck to you. :flowerforyou: