Should I let a toxic friend know I am thinking about her?

13

Replies

  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
    That would send a huge wrong message IMO.
  • Angie_1991
    Angie_1991 Posts: 447 Member
    Leave the friend where she is...the past ..
  • eimajb18
    eimajb18 Posts: 20 Member
    Thanks for all of your advice. I am not going to send the gift because you are right - it's giving false hope. But I will do some random acts of kindness in honor of her instead (great idea, btw!).

    I have never regretted ending our friendship, nor do I feel guilty. But I know through our mutual connections that she is lonely, and my intention with the gift was just to brighten her day because regardless of whether she's in my life, she's a good person who I want to have a happy bday.
  • 3shirts
    3shirts Posts: 294 Member
    Thanks for all of your advice. I am not going to send the gift because you are right - it's giving false hope. But I will do some random acts of kindness in honor of her instead (great idea, btw!).

    I have never regretted ending our friendship, nor do I feel guilty. But I know through our mutual connections that she is lonely, and my intention with the gift was just to brighten her day because regardless of whether she's in my life, she's a good person who I want to have a happy bday.

    The intention is admirable but I think the advice here is right, you need to look at how this will be perceived and it will look like an attempt at reconciliation.
    If you care enough to want to be friends, you should talk to her (NOT on her birthday) but you seem pretty clear that you do not want that so, hard though it may be, you just need to move on. Who knows in a few years she may change, people do, and come to terms with her drama and calm down, then you might be able to rekindle the friendship.

    This happened to my sister and her best friend. In college they were inseparable but she was a little off the rails and dragged my sister into all her petty battles and drama to the point where it was affecting her relationships with other friends. In the end she had to call it a day.
    10 years later, the friend moved back to the area and they started to hang out a bit. The friend had totally calmed down, become a police officer, got married etc and they are now really close again.
  • AliJelliBelli
    AliJelliBelli Posts: 39
    Wow, this is a really hard thread for me to read. I had a best friend for 17 years and 2 years ago she decided not to be friends with me anymore. No explanations, just total radio silence. So basically I must be her toxic friend. I've spent the last 2 years racking my brains for what I can do or say to get her back in my life but reading this there's nothing I can do ever. Trouble is, she is like a sister to me and always will be. So while I try not to think about her too often I will never forget her or stop missing her and grieving for her. And I would love to know that she didn't wish me ill and still cared about me.

    Let's be clear - i never wanted to be her 'toxic' friend and if she'd ever given me a chance to mend my ways I would've done my level best to sort it out. Maybe your situation is very different. I'm certainly not judging you - I realise it may sound like I am - but I'm honestly not. i just wanted to put a slightly different slant...
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
    I know it's hard, because there are some things about this person that you really like, and you probably think of yourself as a generous, forgiving person, but as I think everyone here has said, you should ignore the day. A gift will be a mixed signal and you'll likely get sucked back in. You're out and free now. Don't do it.
  • hughtwalker
    hughtwalker Posts: 2,213 Member
    not "everyone" - I think she's missing an opportunity to repair a hole in life that she obviously feels - but what do I know?
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
    not "everyone" - I think she's missing an opportunity to repair a hole in life that she obviously feels - but what do I know?

    You could be right. In my own experience, if the relationship had deteriorated to the point where I was thinking of it as "toxic," it was irreparable. There was one person whom I forgave multiple times over several years. I eventually realized he was never going to change no matter what he said and life is too short to be wasted on people who can't be relied on.

    If someone is that upsetting to me I don't think it's good for my character to put up with it. I'm also agnostic and I don't believe that there will be some reward in the next life for putting up with bad behavior.

    The OP has thoughts or regrets because that's how human beings behave. Seldom is anything all or nothing. I occasionally think of friends or acquaintances who dumped or dropped me even if I'm still angry or puzzled. That's no reason to renew a bad relationship or send mixed signals about one's intentions.
  • Joanneea
    Joanneea Posts: 37
    I definitely agree with hersheythecat. It is like saying everything is OK when it is not. I don't like the saying a leopard never changes its spots, but I have found it to be true. If your ending the relationship wasn't cathartic for her, you'll probably find your present won't be either. And yes, IMO it would be seen as either a peace offering or a foot in the door.
  • My0WNinspiration
    My0WNinspiration Posts: 1,146 Member
    No.
  • socko6774
    socko6774 Posts: 200
    do not send the gift, if you need to mail it to someone , feel free to mail it to me lol.
    youre just going to reharsh the friendship. youre already out, why bother getting back in. move on and forget it. nothing good will come out of this.
  • icandowhateveriputmymindto
    icandowhateveriputmymindto Posts: 602 Member
    Tell her exactly what you just said "I love you but I don't want to rekindle out friendship." lol
  • strawberrytoast
    strawberrytoast Posts: 711 Member
    If its a good gift keep it!

    I only send cards to my old friends. Still like them but don't see them
  • Dark_Roast
    Dark_Roast Posts: 17,689 Member
    Why are people responding to threads 4 months old?
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    I am a rubbish friend, but not yours, so send it to me, and I promise not to bother you.

    I don't actually KNOW when my friends birthdays are, but they all know when mine is lol
  • ValerieMartini2Olives
    ValerieMartini2Olives Posts: 3,024 Member
    I have had several friendships (and relationships) that ended badly. It's human nature to continue to think about them and the good times. One friendship ended particularly bad. After several months, I had a dream about her. I thought maybe that was a sign to at least bury the hatchet. I sent her a text apologizing for how things ended and got no response. This is not the first time this has happened where I tried to reach out to a badly ended relationship. I found out, once it's over, it's over. Don't waste your time.
  • pudadough
    pudadough Posts: 1,271 Member
    I also vote for not sending the gift.

    I ended a toxic friendship many years ago and I have her on my friends list on Facebook. I didn't delete her but I make a point not to like or comment on any of her stuff. I don't want to give her any ideas about becoming friends again. Because it's likely that she hasn't changed. Toxic people rarely see the problems within themselves. Same is probably true of your friend.
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Eepa. I just realized as I read through that this is an ooooold thread. Strange how they come back to life.

    Monica
  • Joanneea
    Joanneea Posts: 37
    haha my bad, still new I just seen it on one of the boards and didn't look at the date. hahha too funny so sorry, Old confused saying 'Opinions are like something something, everyone has got one'
  • VictoriaWorksOut
    VictoriaWorksOut Posts: 195 Member
    Show me your friends and I will tell you what your future will be.

    Bad company corrupts good charter.

    You can't drive forward if you keep looking in rear view mirror.


    Do I need to say more? Some relationships are best left in past and forgotten about. They all - good and bad leave impact on us and form soul-ties because we are spiritual beings.
  • 3shirts
    3shirts Posts: 294 Member
    Show me your friends and I will tell you what your future will be.

    Bad company corrupts good charter.

    You can't drive forward if you keep looking in rear view mirror.


    Do I need to say more? Some relationships are best left in past and forgotten about. They all - good and bad leave impact on us and form soul-ties because we are spiritual beings.

    That's really useful advice, I wish I had your insight/book of pointless clichés
  • NatashaB8
    NatashaB8 Posts: 202
    I have had the same kind of friendship but I just ended it and that was that. We saw each other on a couple of nights out and said hi but nothing else came of it.

    It's best to stay away, keep the gift.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    No!
  • MissMaryMac33
    MissMaryMac33 Posts: 1,433 Member
    If I was the friend and you sent the gift... I'd sendi t back.

    If you are friends, you're there good and bad.....if you dumped her because you couldn't handle it, you're probably better off -- but so is she..

    Let it go....
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Uh... you ended the friendship, you do not want to be friends... use your head... do you send the gift or not?
    I would say no, sending the gift is re-opening the door to something you do not want. If you want to try and re-kindle the friendship do it but if you don't than don't send the gift. It will just open old wounds.
  • cparter
    cparter Posts: 754 Member
    Friends have come into my life and left over the years.

    I do not believe in picking sores but if you broke off the friendship in a way that could be considered disheartening it would pay to reach out and say 'I am sorry the way I abruptly stepped away from our friendship but I just could not handle it anymore and I wish you the best' where the gift would be a nice parting goodbye.

    However, if you broke off the friendship and have no regrets for how you did it you owe her nothing but owe yourself to move on with your life.

    Sincerely,

    ~Los
  • cparter
    cparter Posts: 754 Member
    Eepa. I just realized as I read through that this is an ooooold thread. Strange how they come back to life.

    Monica
    Yeah, I know right. The burning question is 'what did the originator ultimately do in the end'?
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
    NEVERMIND....old, resuscitated thread….she didn’t send the gift…dilemma resolved . :ohwell:
  • fmebear
    fmebear Posts: 172 Member
    Return the gift. If you've ended the friendship, it's over. Sending a gift will confuse matters and implies a relationship is still there. If you run into her, be nice and cordial. That's all.

    ^^^ This. Do not confuse the matter for her or yourself. Sending the gift will make her think you want to be friends again.
  • OutsideCreativ
    OutsideCreativ Posts: 143 Member
    I would not give the gift. Sends mixed signals.

    Maybe old on to it for a while, and if at some point in a given time frame (you choose... weeks, months, 1 year) she reaches out to you-- then maybe see if things have changed. If you feel like it then-- you can give her the gift.

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