my friend and stage 4 cancer...why do i feel like this?
67butterfly
Posts: 76 Member
in Chit-Chat
My friend, we go way back. We lived together, worked together, played together. We had been there for each other through the best and worst of times. We kinda fell out of touch with each other. Every once in a while through the years we contacted each other through mail, few and far between. She recently moved about 25 minutes away from me- well about a year and a half ago. We saw each other once in that time...just a quick visit while i was at work. I knew from our first phone call that she had cancer and it was cut out of her face. Recently the cancer had returned. She is now stage 4. She refused any medical treatment and has been fighting it holistically (if i spelled it right) She's is trying everything naturally. A few days ago she text me and said her "health opportunity" has not been so good, and she is seeking advice from a doctor. I am really having a hard time with this. ..First off, because she didn't see a medical doctor in the first place. I know this sounds petty and ignorant of me, but i honestly feel if she would have gotten treatment first off she might be in better shape. She has her own reasons for doing it naturally, but i guess my common sense is really bugging me. I have not been a good friend. She texts me with updates but i really don't know how to respond. I am angry with the whole fact that she is going through this in the first place. This shouldn't be happening to such a great person. She's always been the one to fix everybody elses problems, to put some sense into you, and make you feel good about yourself, and now she is having to battle this disease. I don't know how to deal with it. I am at a loss. I'm losing my friend and i can't deal with it. I feel i'm avoiding the whole thing by thinking if i don't respond to her it will just go away, and i know in my heart, it's not going to go away. I don't know what to say, or do. I wrote her a letter today, and let her know that i care about her, and that her messages have not gone un-noticed, but what else can i do? I'm so anigry that i feel like this.
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Replies
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I think this is your mind's way of dealing with such a horrific disease, but you're not being a very good friend. This is life. Suck it up and deal with it. Be thankful you're not the one battling it. You haven't walked in her shoes, so you have no idea what her reasons were for choosing the treatment path that she did.
Does it hurt to watch someone go through this? Tremendously. But imagine how much more it hurts the person going through it when her friend backs out on her.
Go talk to her. Now.0 -
You sound like a horrible friend (which you already admitted to being) Put your feelings aside because this is not at all about how YOU feel, it's about your friend.
All this concern about your feelings on this situation sounds so juvenile and selfish to me.0 -
Don't beat yourself up. Everyone reacts differently to this type of news. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in nov 2010. We didn't know at the time how bad it was. We found out later that the tumor showed up on an old ultrsound from 2005, but noone realized it was cancer and noone, including my dad, followed up on it. I was furious at first...with the doctors, with him...everyone, but it was what it was. He went the medical route...did chemo, had surgery, etc....but passed away in Dec. 2011. After his passing I was reading about the natural approach and was thinking, oh...i should have known about this then and maybe if he would have eaten this way or not had chemo, he would have been ok. But that probably would not have been the case. Everything happens for a reason and you can't change what is going to happen, but it's ok to feel ANY way you want about it. But I would suggest TRYING to be supportive now. She can't change how she handled things now either (even if she wishes she could) and she is having to live with this. I hope everything works out for your friend and that she has a full recovery and I am truly sorry you are going through this.0
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My Mom went through something similar with her best friend when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her best friend didn't know what to do. I mean, what do you say to someone with cancer?
Things to remember-
- She is NOT cancer. She is living with cancer. She is still your friend. She didn't just morph into something completely different. You're not going to catch it.
- You don't have to say anything. Sometimes, saying nothing and just holding their hand or a support note in the mail or "I'm thinking of you" text is all you need to do.
- Honesty is the best policy "I don't know what to say/do/think/feel." Being open and honest with her about your feelings shows her that you care. That you're there for her and that you trust her with your feelings. Chances are she'll open up to you about her feelings. What you're feeling/doing is not uncommon. It's actually VERY common.
- Whatever her method of treatment is, that's how she's decided she's going to fight. Be her supporter. Get informed about what she's doing.
-Most importantly - YOU have to be comfortable with this. She will pick up immediately if you're giving her attention out of pity. Just because she has cancer doesn't mean that she needs a parade every week in success of her living another week. Show her your support in your way.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest things someone has to do but it's time to be a good friend or be good enough to wish her the best and walk away. She needs people that are 100% 24/7.0 -
it's really hard. a good family friend is dying from cancer - she has maybe a day or two left. I find it very hard as well - i think the best is to just let them know you are there for them and you can and will do whatever to help. let them know that if they need anything to call or email you - or if they just want to talk and hang out etc.
really sorry to hear!0 -
Stop being so selfish and self centered. Be there for your friend. My mom is battling this now so i know the feeling. I keep thinking tho how would I feel and how would I want to be treated and then I act accordingly.0
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My Mom went through something similar with her best friend when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her best friend didn't know what to do. I mean, what do you say to someone with cancer?
Things to remember-
- She is NOT cancer. She is living with cancer. She is still your friend. She didn't just morph into something completely different. You're not going to catch it.
- You don't have to say anything. Sometimes, saying nothing and just holding their hand or a support note in the mail or "I'm thinking of you" text is all you need to do.
- Honesty is the best policy "I don't know what to say/do/think/feel." Being open and honest with her about your feelings shows her that you care. That you're there for her and that you trust her with your feelings. Chances are she'll open up to you about her feelings. What you're feeling/doing is not uncommon. It's actually VERY common.
- Whatever her method of treatment is, that's how she's decided she's going to fight. Be her supporter. Get informed about what she's doing.
-Most importantly - YOU have to be comfortable with this. She will pick up immediately if you're giving her attention out of pity. Just because she has cancer doesn't mean that she needs a parade every week in success of her living another week. Show her your support in your way.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest things someone has to do but it's time to be a good friend or be good enough to wish her the best and walk away. She needs people that are 100% 24/7.
Beautifully Stated!0 -
We never know what to say during the tough times our friends go through. Don't keep your distance. Offer an ear to listen, a hug, plan a day with her. It doesn't mean you have to talk about cancer each second you're with her. I don't believe she wants you to comment on every single update. Maybe she's just letting you know...keeping you in the loop. I understand this is difficult for you, but this isn't about you. Her choices about not seeking medical treatment are her own. You didn't force her. Reach out. Suggest you get together for a walk, coffee, go see a movie, have a wine night? Anything. The worst missing out on the time with your friend.0
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My Mom went through something similar with her best friend when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her best friend didn't know what to do. I mean, what do you say to someone with cancer?
Things to remember-
- She is NOT cancer. She is living with cancer. She is still your friend. She didn't just morph into something completely different. You're not going to catch it.
- You don't have to say anything. Sometimes, saying nothing and just holding their hand or a support note in the mail or "I'm thinking of you" text is all you need to do.
- Honesty is the best policy "I don't know what to say/do/think/feel." Being open and honest with her about your feelings shows her that you care. That you're there for her and that you trust her with your feelings. Chances are she'll open up to you about her feelings. What you're feeling/doing is not uncommon. It's actually VERY common.
- Whatever her method of treatment is, that's how she's decided she's going to fight. Be her supporter. Get informed about what she's doing.
-Most importantly - YOU have to be comfortable with this. She will pick up immediately if you're giving her attention out of pity. Just because she has cancer doesn't mean that she needs a parade every week in success of her living another week. Show her your support in your way.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest things someone has to do but it's time to be a good friend or be good enough to wish her the best and walk away. She needs people that are 100% 24/7.
This! I couldn't have said it any better myself.0 -
I know how you feel. My nephews passed away of cancer and he fought it for years. He agreed with his family that he was tired of fighting. You can only go through so much. I was pissed at my sister (his mom) for agreeing with him. I felt for a long time that they didn't want to save his life. I realized, after some months, that I was selfish. I should have hung out more with him instead of being angry. I regret many things I did and didn't do with him. In the end, it's how you spend these last few moments that count the most. Being angry doesn't all of a sudden make them better. Might as well enjoy the time you have left with them. Have a great day!0
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You hit the button right on the nose.. thank you! (@corn63)0
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Boo to the person who called you selfish. Dealing with cancer, and with the conflicting feelings you have, is extremely difficult. I think much of the awkwardness stems from the fact that you can't fix this and the regret that you have over not reaching out to her once she moved back. Add this to the fear that you must have that if you regain your previous closeness your loss if she loses her battle will be that much harder. It's complex. Like the other poster said, "She is not cancer." Reach out to her. Tell her you don't know what to say. You want to make it better and you can't. Ask her what she needs. Give her a hug. Even apologize for not being the best friend you could have been. In this situation you have to ask yourself what you would regret more--reaching out to her or missing that opportunity. My dad died of cancer and while watching him go through this and helping him was the hardest, most gut-wrenching and heartbreaking experience I have ever had, the one thing that I am totally at peace with is that I know, really know, that I was there for him. I gave him everything I had willingly, with the best heart. There was nothing left unsaid. Nothing I didn't do that I could have done. Nothing, therefore, for me to regret. I miss him everyday, but I know I gave him my best. I know he knows this. After losing him, it was the one thing that comforted me. Don't miss this opportunity.0
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If you think you are having a hard time dealing with it, imagine what she must be going through. She is the one that is having to look death in the face. Anything you feel, no matter how uncomfortable, cannot compare. It's hard, yes. But be strong for her. Take advantage of every heartbeat b/c as long as her heart is beating, she is hear. Later, it could be too late and you will never get the time back.0
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My Mom went through something similar with her best friend when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her best friend didn't know what to do. I mean, what do you say to someone with cancer?
Things to remember-
- She is NOT cancer. She is living with cancer. She is still your friend. She didn't just morph into something completely different. You're not going to catch it.
- You don't have to say anything. Sometimes, saying nothing and just holding their hand or a support note in the mail or "I'm thinking of you" text is all you need to do.
- Honesty is the best policy "I don't know what to say/do/think/feel." Being open and honest with her about your feelings shows her that you care. That you're there for her and that you trust her with your feelings. Chances are she'll open up to you about her feelings. What you're feeling/doing is not uncommon. It's actually VERY common.
- Whatever her method of treatment is, that's how she's decided she's going to fight. Be her supporter. Get informed about what she's doing.
-Most importantly - YOU have to be comfortable with this. She will pick up immediately if you're giving her attention out of pity. Just because she has cancer doesn't mean that she needs a parade every week in success of her living another week. Show her your support in your way.
Good luck. This is one of the toughest things someone has to do but it's time to be a good friend or be good enough to wish her the best and walk away. She needs people that are 100% 24/7.
This was perfectly stated. I just lost my dad (3 weeks ago) to Stage 4 lung cancer. He went through the routine of radiation and chemo, and it worked at first, but then it stopped working. Watching him suffer through that was the hardest thing I have ever had to witness and go through. But I did it because he was my dad, and no one wants to be alone through that. It's scary as hell, but even scarier for the person living with it. Your friend needs all the love and support she can get, now more than ever. You have to push your feelings aside and be there for her, whether or not you agree with her treatment methods. I do agree in being honest with her and saying that you don't know what to say, because quite frankly, there really isn't much to say when it comes to things like this. But just knowing that people care about you and are truly there for you in times like that will usually be enough. Just be there for her the best way that you can. She needs and deserves that.0 -
Don't beat yourself up. Everyone reacts differently to this type of news. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in nov 2010. We didn't know at the time how bad it was. We found out later that the tumor showed up on an old ultrsound from 2005, but noone realized it was cancer and noone, including my dad, followed up on it. I was furious at first...with the doctors, with him...everyone, but it was what it was. He went the medical route...did chemo, had surgery, etc....but passed away in Dec. 2011. After his passing I was reading about the natural approach and was thinking, oh...i should have known about this then and maybe if he would have eaten this way or not had chemo, he would have been ok. But that probably would not have been the case. Everything happens for a reason and you can't change what is going to happen, but it's ok to feel ANY way you want about it. But I would suggest TRYING to be supportive now. She can't change how she handled things now either (even if she wishes she could) and she is having to live with this. I hope everything works out for your friend and that she has a full recovery and I am truly sorry you are going through this.
^^^100% this. This covers every single thing I was going to say. You can't change the past, but you can do something about right now.0 -
My father died of cancer sept 15 2011. At stage 4, you are on borrowed time. You better put you *kitten* strait with her now, or regret it forever. She is dying. There is nothing you are going through that can compare to that. Go visit her. Give the relationship closure.0
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Suzanne Somers started this "treat cancer with herbs and vegetables" crap. She should be up on manslaughter charges.
I'm so sorry about your friend. It isn't unheard of for Western medicine to put someone even at stage 4 into remission. I hope for the best now that she's seeing a medical doctor. I'm all for using "natural" methods, but in conjunction with modern medicine.0 -
You're quite understandably angry that your friend is taking something very important away from not only herself, but you. It is the worst kind of shame that this could perhaps have been avoided, and I imagine that's the part that is most difficult to come to terms with for you. Yes it's her body and she's the only one who can make choices for herself, but those choices affect your life very deeply, and I'd be very surprised if you were 100% happy for her that she didn't get medical treatment when she should have, and now will probably lose her life as a result of that choice.
Anyone who says "you're selfish, put your feelings aside" probably doesn't understand that you've been doing that throughout this entire process in order to support your friend. Anyone who is criticising you for being upset... Well they're probably Scientologists and safe to ignore.
You're a human being and you're entitled to feeling as upset as you do.0 -
From what I understand chemo is hell and a lot of times people do not wish to go through with it a second time. You have no idea how she's feeling. Just listen. There is nothing you can say to solve the situation, so just listening and being there is what she needs most.
Best of luck to mending this situation, so you don't have to feel overly guilty if she passes.
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cancer has to be one of the worst things .. and can be disfiguring .. my mom has been dealing with it for 18 yrs now ..
you cannot cure her, but be her sounding board take her to the odd appointment and simply just be there for her she will appreciate the company , treat her like you did all them yrs she is still a friend ..but a friend that is ill .
as for texting .. so impersonal, it's ok for something like meet me at the coffee shop ..etc. but when it's time to talk on a more personal level pick up the phone and call i am sure that would be better. time to rekindle the friendship and be there for her
and most of all listen to what she has to say and if you have nothing in return to say a big ol' hug does it all
good luck with this ..0 -
Go to see your friend - it will mean much more to her than a letter. Try to offer her some pracitcal help - perhaps you could take her some food or clean her house or look after her kids. Cancer is exhausting
Stage 4 cancer isn't always terminal - it refers to the organs it has spread to - so it is of course more difficult to cure. Sadly there is a lot of hype about 'natural' cures and when you are ill it is easy to be drawn in - especially as it seems a better option without the hair loss and sickness conventional treatments offer.
I have had cancer, I chose to have conventional treatment, but I also supplemented this with a lot of vitamins, minerals and a very 'healing' diet. This gave me the feeling of having at least a little control and I cettainly had good energy levels compared to some of the other patients i was friendly with. Your friend has to make her own choices, but I would tell how important she is and that conventional treatment isn't so bad. There are plenty of drugs available to help with the negative side effects and itis only for a short period of your life in the whole scheme of things.
I wish her all the luck in the world - she will be in my prayers tonight.0 -
You're quite understandably angry that your friend is taking something very important away from not only herself, but you. It is the worst kind of shame that this could perhaps have been avoided, and I imagine that's the part that is most difficult to come to terms with for you. Yes it's her body and she's the only one who can make choices for herself, but those choices affect your life very deeply, and I'd be very surprised if you were 100% happy for her that she didn't get medical treatment when she should have, and now will probably lose her life as a result of that choice.
Anyone who says "you're selfish, put your feelings aside" probably doesn't understand that you've been doing that throughout this entire process in order to support your friend. Anyone who is criticising you for being upset... Well they're probably Scientologists and safe to ignore.
You're a human being and you're entitled to feeling as upset as you do.
^ It's part of the grieving process. I do agree with trying to be as close as possible to her in the coming months though. You must both be incredibly scared.
Also, *big hugs* so sorry this is happening. I'll say a prayer for all involved. Fck cancer.
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I lost a dear friend to stage 4 lung cancer a few years ago. She tried a macrobiotic diet for a while, in addition to chemo and radiation, but decided to move away from the macrobiotics when she lost too much weight from the chemo. Watching all this was painful.
We focused on helping her and helping her family be as comfortable as possible. Some of the things the group did:
-Blankets and throws to stay warm during chemo treatments,
-Dvds to watch when energy is low,
-Rolls of quarters for hospital vending machines for the family,
-Meal gift cards for the family for the nights that are too tough to think about cooking,
-Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.
I don't know if it helped much but it made the rest of us feel better for actually doing something.
Just a thought.0 -
I lost a dear friend to stage 4 lung cancer a few years ago. She tried a macrobiotic diet for a while, in addition to chemo and radiation, but decided to move away from the macrobiotics when she lost too much weight from the chemo. Watching all this was painful.
We focused on helping her and helping her family be as comfortable as possible. Some of the things the group did:
-Blankets and throws to stay warm during chemo treatments,
-Dvds to watch when energy is low,
-Rolls of quarters for hospital vending machines for the family,
-Meal gift cards for the family for the nights that are too tough to think about cooking,
-Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.
I don't know if it helped much but it made the rest of us feel better for actually doing something.
Just a thought.
These are some excellent ideas. So sorry for your loss, thanks for the post. You sound like a very kind person.0 -
Tell her that you don't know what to say or do.....but be her friend. She needs you and if it's stage 4, she doesn't have long left. Just be her friend. Paint her nails, bring her magazines, hold her hand....whatever0
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-Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.
There is an excellent web site to help organize rides and meals. I used it when a friend was helping her daughter with cancer. We delivered a meal every day and no one had to do it twice.
http://www.volunteerspot.com/0 -
This might sound harsh, but one day, she will be gone. Whether its next month or in 15 years. Talk to her now while you have the chance. Tell her you are at a loss but you want to support her, just dont know how.I'm losing my friend and i can't deal with it. I feel i'm avoiding the whole thing by thinking if i don't respond to her it will just go away, and i know in my heart, it's not going to go away. I don't know what to say, or do.0 -
My friend, we go way back. We lived together, worked together, played together. We had been there for each other through the best and worst of times. We kinda fell out of touch with each other. Every once in a while through the years we contacted each other through mail, few and far between. She recently moved about 25 minutes away from me- well about a year and a half ago. We saw each other once in that time...just a quick visit while i was at work. I knew from our first phone call that she had cancer and it was cut out of her face. Recently the cancer had returned. She is now stage 4. She refused any medical treatment and has been fighting it holistically (if i spelled it right) She's is trying everything naturally. A few days ago she text me and said her "health opportunity" has not been so good, and she is seeking advice from a doctor. I am really having a hard time with this. ..First off, because she didn't see a medical doctor in the first place. I know this sounds petty and ignorant of me, but i honestly feel if she would have gotten treatment first off she might be in better shape. She has her own reasons for doing it naturally, but i guess my common sense is really bugging me. I have not been a good friend. She texts me with updates but i really don't know how to respond. I am angry with the whole fact that she is going through this in the first place. This shouldn't be happening to such a great person. She's always been the one to fix everybody elses problems, to put some sense into you, and make you feel good about yourself, and now she is having to battle this disease. I don't know how to deal with it. I am at a loss. I'm losing my friend and i can't deal with it. I feel i'm avoiding the whole thing by thinking if i don't respond to her it will just go away, and i know in my heart, it's not going to go away. I don't know what to say, or do. I wrote her a letter today, and let her know that i care about her, and that her messages have not gone un-noticed, but what else can i do? I'm so anigry that i feel like this.
Just be there for her, love her unconditionally.
How about cook her some meals, take her some fresh fruits and vegetables.
These things help out a LOT.
One question that you might not be able to answer...............Did she go to an oncologist that treats holistically or is she trying to treat herself, by herself?
I know someone that had cancer and did not want to do radiation and chemotherapy and was able to beat cancer through holistic treatments with an anti-sugar and anti-inflammatory way of eating. Cancer feeds off sugar, so it is important that the person to eat as sugar free as humanly possible.0 -
What you are feeling is perfectly natural - it is the first stage of grief. You have been reminded of your own mortality and how fragile life is and are shying away from it...
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It's her choice to choose the cancer treatment that she prefers. Allopathic medicine has far from a stellar record on treating cancer and that's the only way they deal with cancer; prevention isn't even on the radar. Some people have had great success with natural treatments. As her good friend it's best for you to support and accept her choices. If she chose natural treatment, whether it works out or not, she probably had good reason for doing so. With what I know about the medical industry, I would do the same.
My own father chose the status quo of cancer treatment (our isolated location means that only allopathic procedures are considered/funded) even though he didn't totally agree with it. He went through many painful, invasive treatments, and was even announced as "cancer free". When my mom investigated later, it turned out that the diagnostic images showed cancer throughout his body right from the beginning... So why the "cancer free" lie? Was it so he wouldn't explore other avenues of treatment while he was still well enough to do so? The reality is that he is no longer here (died at a young age) and that he spent his last few years with a very low quality of life.
I can't imagine what it's like to have cancer. I don't think it's a time for judgement or disagreement. It's a time for unconditional love and support.0
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