Next Male Honesty answers needed Please.

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Replies

  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    DISCLAIMER: Painful honesty follows.

    He's bored. He's honestly probably just bored. If your sex life (when you have it) is ho-hum mundane, he can probably predict what you're going to do before you even do it. My marriage used to be like that.

    You also need to adopt a "no nagging" policy for yourself. Nothing makes a guy's balls shrivel up and slam back up inside him than the grating sound of his wife harping on him. Nagging him about not having sex is TOTALLY counter-productive.

    ^^
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Seriously why is he sleeping on the couch?

    I mean you can sleep in a bed and not have sex.....

    That screams cheater to me

    not necessarily. I used to sleep on the couch all the time when I was with my Ex and I never cheated on him. I did this because for a small period of time we were having a hard time in our relationship and he would bring up things right before we went to sleep that would just stress me out and I would end up not sleeping and I got to the point where it was easier to stay up later than he would and would just end up sleeping on the couch, which sounds terrible but we worked through it and made it another year before he cheated on me. I also used to just fall asleep on the couch and not wake up until the morining nothing to do with trying to get away from him... just fell asleep.

    Maybe he just doesn't want to get into the "talk" about what is wrong. NOT everyone is a cheater.

    To the OP, maybe let it go for a while. While I know sex is important in a relationship BUT there are other ways to be intimate - go on a date, talk about everything BUT the issue. If you need to go to a marriage counsilor (there is nothing wrong with doing that.) Don't put pressure on yourself or him and just have a nice evening together.
  • rodneyderrick
    rodneyderrick Posts: 483 Member
    Well, I tried and failed miserably with the talk about what he likes or doesn't like - got the "you are just fine baby" line - oh and "you are amazing" and then he shut THAT talk down. And yet I woke up alone again - he was asleep on the couch. . I am about ready to "go native" and never ever ever shave again - which I currently do daily, JUST IN CASE :) So... The few tips I got from you helpful wives and forthcoming men were to discuss getting his testosterone checked as well as recheck his blood pressure medication.

    What would you recommend be the best approach for addressing this? He gets defensive when I ask about getting his diabetes check up every year. Record the testosterone commercial and play it as he comes in the room and say, "you know, I hear the guys that use this stuff are amazing in bed, just saying?"

    And again, private message me if you want to be anonymous.

    Thanks for the help in the last post! and no, I AM NOT A STARFISH :)

    His medications might be the problem. Diabetic medications and some high blood pressure medications can cause erectile dysfunction, and obesity increases the chances of erectile dysfunction. He should see a doctor about this because he may have some undiagnosed heart issues and bad circulation.
  • bottleOdom
    bottleOdom Posts: 11
    DISCLAIMER: Painful honesty follows.

    He's bored. He's honestly probably just bored. If your sex life (when you have it) is ho-hum mundane, he can probably predict what you're going to do before you even do it. My marriage used to be like that.

    She and I talked about it and decided we'd do some of our fantasies with each other (the ones that were within our limits, of course) and started changing things up a bit. Toys, costumes, bondage, spanking, role-playing, etc. Spontaneity murders mundaneness.

    Try to find out what kind of porn he watches and try to incorporate some of that into your sex life. Not saying you should bring a friend home, but there just may be something he's looking for that you currently don't do.

    You also need to adopt a "no nagging" policy for yourself. Nothing makes a guy's balls shrivel up and slam back up inside him than the grating sound of his wife harping on him. Nagging him about not having sex is TOTALLY counter-productive.

    been there and doing that. I really don't think that is the issue. and I don't nag or whine or beg. Just smile and kiss him goodnight.
  • Marc713
    Marc713 Posts: 328 Member
    Maybe you snore and he sleeps on the couch because it is the only way he can get any rest.

    My GOD, my ex was a petite little thing, but she snored like a 350 lbs lumber jack that was sleeping off a drunken night of debauchery.

    He could have some low test levels and reduced sex drive....I know I have felt a BIG increase in my sex drive now that I'm much more active and fit, not that I lacked it before mind you...but I feel more like I was in my 20's now that I'm lifting all the time, and as I understand it, lifting increases testosterone production unless the various articles I've read are incorrect.

    It could be him, it could be some rift between you guys, but not matter what it is, HE needs to get on board and WANT to fix it with you...you can't want it enough for him.
  • crimznrose
    crimznrose Posts: 282 Member
    The sexual temperature in marriage does go up and down. I've been married for 11 years and when we first go together he couldn't handle me - he was done after 5 times in one day and it was about every day. After about 7 years, three times a day, 3-5 times a week was the standard. Now, it's maybe a couple nights a month, but when it happens it's a couples times in a row. Age, hormones, family, stress, career,etc all play a part in it. That and when love matures from that initial physical attraction and infatuation to a deeper connection so much sex just isn't as needed to express your feelings for each other.

    The part that would worry me more is that he goes to sleep on the couch. Don't bring sex into it, but keep trying to get him to talk about why he transitions to the couch. There's some reason behind it.
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,855 Member
    Are either or both of you exercising regularly? This isn't' news, but I'll say it anyway.. Exercise makes people horny. .

    Maybe you stop focusing on the issue at hand and try to figure out a way that you two can exercise together. .Go to the gym, or run or bike or work out or play tennis or racquetball or something!. .

    Then. . just do that for a few weeks. . wait patiently . .and see what happens. .
  • JohnMessmer
    JohnMessmer Posts: 536
    How are your finances? When people date, it's all about the date, the activity, the conquest, but when two people are married it is a life long commitment. Unfortunately men are not always the sex craved individuals we are cast to be, sometimes everyday stress, financial concerns, physical worries, and medical issues all cause a lack of sexual drive. Additionally, when pressured into a situation the feeling of having to preform is overwhelming and if our body is not cooperating then you add embarrassment and frustration to the pile and the easiest way to avoid all of it is to not attempt to engage in sexual activity. So my guess is that somewhere in this is where he is at the moment.

    So what to do? First off be patient, just because he can not do what you want him to do does not mean he does not want to do it. Next, Instead of pressuring him or attempting to talk him into a pill he may not want to try, you be his pill. What I mean is walk up to him and kiss him, sincerely but not longingly, reach down and gently rub across his troubled area as you end the kiss and tell him you love him and walk away.

    It may take a few days, but eventually he may respond in the manner you want. If after a few days he still is unresponsive then you may want to sit down and have a conversation about it, just avoid being negative or placing blame, something like "I am concerned why we no longer ....... " I love you and if there is something I need to do, please tell me " Then if he responds with the "it's not you, your perfect" you should suggest seeking medical advice as a last resort. He probably won't like that idea, no one wants to tell a doctor they are having those problems, it is male ego and it is a ***** to get over.

    I am not a doctor, nor any kind of psychologist, but I am male and you asked for advice, so there is mine. I hope it helps and good luck.
  • Skinny_Jeans_Soon
    Skinny_Jeans_Soon Posts: 326 Member
    Are either or both of you exercising regularly? This isn't' news, but I'll say it anyway.. Exercise makes people horny. .

    Maybe you stop focusing on the issue at hand and try to figure out a way that you two can exercise together. .Go to the gym, or run or bike or work out or play tennis or racquetball or something!. .

    Then. . just do that for a few weeks. . wait patiently . .and see what happens. .

    I like this answer and see the same results with daily exercise in terms of increasing my drive. I also agree about the suggestion to see a therapist. There could be things going on in his head that you aren't aware of.
  • lavieboheme1229
    lavieboheme1229 Posts: 448 Member
    I had a convo my my SO about how I felt we weren't having enough sex. And he said "honestly, I got fat, I have zero drive any more." He was also in his head too much about it, and then he couldn't even get it up for a little while there. Mind you, all in his early 20s.

    Like other posters have said, I think this is his self esteem issue. And maybe the biological issue of carrying too much estrogen in his fat, and having 0 sex drive. The only thing you can do is to keep lifting him up until he gets over this mental hurdle.
  • Anomalia
    Anomalia Posts: 506 Member
    You shave EVERY day?! I would get razor burned to death if I did that.
  • GamerGurl729
    GamerGurl729 Posts: 286 Member
    How are your finances? When people date, it's all about the date, the activity, the conquest, but when two people are married it is a life long commitment. Unfortunately men are not always the sex craved individuals we are cast to be, sometimes everyday stress, financial concerns, physical worries, and medical issues all cause a lack of sexual drive. Additionally, when pressured into a situation the feeling of having to preform is overwhelming and if our body is not cooperating then you add embarrassment and frustration to the pile and the easiest way to avoid all of it is to not attempt to engage in sexual activity. So my guess is that somewhere in this is where he is at the moment.

    So what to do? First off be patient, just because he can not do what you want him to do does not mean he does not want to do it. Next, Instead of pressuring him or attempting to talk him into a pill he may not want to try, you be his pill. What I mean is walk up to him and kiss him, sincerely but not longingly, reach down and gently rub across his troubled area as you end the kiss and tell him you love him and walk away.

    It may take a few days, but eventually he may respond in the manner you want. If after a few days he still is unresponsive then you may want to sit down and have a conversation about it, just avoid being negative or placing blame, something like "I am concerned why we no longer ....... " I love you and if there is something I need to do, please tell me " Then if he responds with the "it's not you, your perfect" you should suggest seeking medical advice as a last resort. He probably won't like that idea, no one wants to tell a doctor they are having those problems, it is male ego and it is a ***** to get over.

    I am not a doctor, nor any kind of psychologist, but I am male and you asked for advice, so there is mine. I hope it helps and good luck.

    I love this response. Thank you!
  • KatKisses
    KatKisses Posts: 296 Member
    get a boy toy for some sneaky sneaky nookie!
  • zenchild
    zenchild Posts: 680 Member
    If he's unwilling to talk at all you don't have many options. You can tell him that he needs to see a doctor and then a counselor, or a divorce lawyer. Or you can live in a sexless marriage. Your choice.
  • lil_bit_crazy
    lil_bit_crazy Posts: 161 Member
    i PM you about some..but about the sleeping on the couch thing i will answer here,

    I have been married 17 years. If I'm not comfy in bed, I'll sleep on my couch, or in one of my sons beds, or i'll flip and lay at the opposite end of my own bed, or sometimes i even rearrange the covers on our bed and we sleep sideways in bed. I've layed blankets on the living room floor before to get comfy at 2 am, I sleep in the recliner..hell, I've even told HIM to go sleep on the couch or floor or chair because i cant get comfy...and sometimes when i really cant sleep, i lay on his chest and his heartbeat knocks me right out.
    sleeping in places other than bed doesnt mean cheating. i've NEVER cheated, never had a desire to. but if i aint comfy, i will find a way to get comfy.
    cheating is a stong accusation, so dont use it unless you have unmistakable undeniable proof, not just a hunch or because someone "said" so.
  • karynspeace
    karynspeace Posts: 132
    I shelled out thousands for a tempurpedic king size bed and I sleep in it alone most nights - especially during football season. More room for me... let him sleep. If he is stupid enough to sleep on a couch, that's his loss- Its a GREAT bed! :laugh:
  • azzkikin
    azzkikin Posts: 458 Member
    Maybe he found himself a maid, nurse, teacher or school girl that he has on the side already. Now he just needs his meals made and house clean.
  • marathon64
    marathon64 Posts: 378 Member
    FACT-people can have major differences in their sex drives. We usually think it's the man who wants it all the time but women can be much more interested and it can be a physiological thing as much as a mental one. hormones play a part for you too...

    The diabetes does make it harder for men to perform sexually and that itself can diminish desire

    I move to the couch when I wake up and can't fall back asleep-that by itself is less worrisome. The issue is how you feel about the sexual stuff. Maybe it's just not that important to you. if it is then let him know pointe blank.
  • peachhunting
    peachhunting Posts: 59 Member
    I don't think the issue is about sleeping on the couch. I sleep in a separate bed most nights. Started when our kids were young and now have just grown accustomed to sleeping alone and having the best sleep ever.

    But, if my wife asked me to come to bed for some nookie, I'd be there like a 10 peckered owl. I know a few guys that can't be bothered with sex most of the time. This is NOT normal. I've almost thought of asking them if I could nail their wives for them, just to help out a buddy...

    This sounds horrible, and I am not trying to be a pig here, but if you are really getting frustrated, get him a beer, sit him down, unzip his pants and start the oral exam. The extra calories won't hurt you. If THAT doesn't get him, then yes, you have issues that are bigger than you think...(cheating, gay...?)
  • rob1976
    rob1976 Posts: 1,328 Member
    You shave EVERY day?! I would get razor burned to death if I did that.
    If you do it everyday, your skin becomes accustomed to it and adjusts to not be irritated.

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