my friend and stage 4 cancer...why do i feel like this?

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  • duffydog1
    duffydog1 Posts: 76 Member
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    Go to see your friend - it will mean much more to her than a letter. Try to offer her some pracitcal help - perhaps you could take her some food or clean her house or look after her kids. Cancer is exhausting
    Stage 4 cancer isn't always terminal - it refers to the organs it has spread to - so it is of course more difficult to cure. Sadly there is a lot of hype about 'natural' cures and when you are ill it is easy to be drawn in - especially as it seems a better option without the hair loss and sickness conventional treatments offer.
    I have had cancer, I chose to have conventional treatment, but I also supplemented this with a lot of vitamins, minerals and a very 'healing' diet. This gave me the feeling of having at least a little control and I cettainly had good energy levels compared to some of the other patients i was friendly with. Your friend has to make her own choices, but I would tell how important she is and that conventional treatment isn't so bad. There are plenty of drugs available to help with the negative side effects and itis only for a short period of your life in the whole scheme of things.
    I wish her all the luck in the world - she will be in my prayers tonight.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    You're quite understandably angry that your friend is taking something very important away from not only herself, but you. It is the worst kind of shame that this could perhaps have been avoided, and I imagine that's the part that is most difficult to come to terms with for you. Yes it's her body and she's the only one who can make choices for herself, but those choices affect your life very deeply, and I'd be very surprised if you were 100% happy for her that she didn't get medical treatment when she should have, and now will probably lose her life as a result of that choice.

    Anyone who says "you're selfish, put your feelings aside" probably doesn't understand that you've been doing that throughout this entire process in order to support your friend. Anyone who is criticising you for being upset... Well they're probably Scientologists and safe to ignore.

    You're a human being and you're entitled to feeling as upset as you do.

    ^ It's part of the grieving process. I do agree with trying to be as close as possible to her in the coming months though. You must both be incredibly scared.

    Also, *big hugs* so sorry this is happening. I'll say a prayer for all involved. Fck cancer. :(
  • leigh923
    leigh923 Posts: 2
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    I lost a dear friend to stage 4 lung cancer a few years ago. She tried a macrobiotic diet for a while, in addition to chemo and radiation, but decided to move away from the macrobiotics when she lost too much weight from the chemo. Watching all this was painful.

    We focused on helping her and helping her family be as comfortable as possible. Some of the things the group did:
    -Blankets and throws to stay warm during chemo treatments,
    -Dvds to watch when energy is low,
    -Rolls of quarters for hospital vending machines for the family,
    -Meal gift cards for the family for the nights that are too tough to think about cooking,
    -Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.

    I don't know if it helped much but it made the rest of us feel better for actually doing something.

    Just a thought.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    I lost a dear friend to stage 4 lung cancer a few years ago. She tried a macrobiotic diet for a while, in addition to chemo and radiation, but decided to move away from the macrobiotics when she lost too much weight from the chemo. Watching all this was painful.

    We focused on helping her and helping her family be as comfortable as possible. Some of the things the group did:
    -Blankets and throws to stay warm during chemo treatments,
    -Dvds to watch when energy is low,
    -Rolls of quarters for hospital vending machines for the family,
    -Meal gift cards for the family for the nights that are too tough to think about cooking,
    -Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.

    I don't know if it helped much but it made the rest of us feel better for actually doing something.

    Just a thought.

    These are some excellent ideas. So sorry for your loss, thanks for the post. You sound like a very kind person.
  • DixiedoesMFP
    DixiedoesMFP Posts: 935 Member
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    Tell her that you don't know what to say or do.....but be her friend. She needs you and if it's stage 4, she doesn't have long left. Just be her friend. Paint her nails, bring her magazines, hold her hand....whatever
  • CarSidDar
    CarSidDar Posts: 118 Member
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    -Finally setting up a timechart for people to donate rides to chemo as well as bringing dinner for the family.


    There is an excellent web site to help organize rides and meals. I used it when a friend was helping her daughter with cancer. We delivered a meal every day and no one had to do it twice.

    http://www.volunteerspot.com/
  • sarahharmintx
    sarahharmintx Posts: 868 Member
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    I'm losing my friend and i can't deal with it. I feel i'm avoiding the whole thing by thinking if i don't respond to her it will just go away, and i know in my heart, it's not going to go away. I don't know what to say, or do.
    This might sound harsh, but one day, she will be gone. Whether its next month or in 15 years. Talk to her now while you have the chance. Tell her you are at a loss but you want to support her, just dont know how.
  • PaleoPath4Lyfe
    PaleoPath4Lyfe Posts: 3,161 Member
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    My friend, we go way back. We lived together, worked together, played together. We had been there for each other through the best and worst of times. We kinda fell out of touch with each other. Every once in a while through the years we contacted each other through mail, few and far between. She recently moved about 25 minutes away from me- well about a year and a half ago. We saw each other once in that time...just a quick visit while i was at work. I knew from our first phone call that she had cancer and it was cut out of her face. Recently the cancer had returned. She is now stage 4. She refused any medical treatment and has been fighting it holistically (if i spelled it right) She's is trying everything naturally. A few days ago she text me and said her "health opportunity" has not been so good, and she is seeking advice from a doctor. I am really having a hard time with this. ..First off, because she didn't see a medical doctor in the first place. I know this sounds petty and ignorant of me, but i honestly feel if she would have gotten treatment first off she might be in better shape. She has her own reasons for doing it naturally, but i guess my common sense is really bugging me. I have not been a good friend. She texts me with updates but i really don't know how to respond. I am angry with the whole fact that she is going through this in the first place. This shouldn't be happening to such a great person. She's always been the one to fix everybody elses problems, to put some sense into you, and make you feel good about yourself, and now she is having to battle this disease. I don't know how to deal with it. I am at a loss. I'm losing my friend and i can't deal with it. I feel i'm avoiding the whole thing by thinking if i don't respond to her it will just go away, and i know in my heart, it's not going to go away. I don't know what to say, or do. I wrote her a letter today, and let her know that i care about her, and that her messages have not gone un-noticed, but what else can i do? I'm so anigry that i feel like this.

    Just be there for her, love her unconditionally.

    How about cook her some meals, take her some fresh fruits and vegetables.

    These things help out a LOT.

    One question that you might not be able to answer...............Did she go to an oncologist that treats holistically or is she trying to treat herself, by herself?

    I know someone that had cancer and did not want to do radiation and chemotherapy and was able to beat cancer through holistic treatments with an anti-sugar and anti-inflammatory way of eating. Cancer feeds off sugar, so it is important that the person to eat as sugar free as humanly possible.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    What you are feeling is perfectly natural - it is the first stage of grief. You have been reminded of your own mortality and how fragile life is and are shying away from it...

    stages-of-grief.gif?w=510
  • Akimajuktuq
    Akimajuktuq Posts: 3,037 Member
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    It's her choice to choose the cancer treatment that she prefers. Allopathic medicine has far from a stellar record on treating cancer and that's the only way they deal with cancer; prevention isn't even on the radar. Some people have had great success with natural treatments. As her good friend it's best for you to support and accept her choices. If she chose natural treatment, whether it works out or not, she probably had good reason for doing so. With what I know about the medical industry, I would do the same.

    My own father chose the status quo of cancer treatment (our isolated location means that only allopathic procedures are considered/funded) even though he didn't totally agree with it. He went through many painful, invasive treatments, and was even announced as "cancer free". When my mom investigated later, it turned out that the diagnostic images showed cancer throughout his body right from the beginning... So why the "cancer free" lie? Was it so he wouldn't explore other avenues of treatment while he was still well enough to do so? The reality is that he is no longer here (died at a young age) and that he spent his last few years with a very low quality of life.

    I can't imagine what it's like to have cancer. I don't think it's a time for judgement or disagreement. It's a time for unconditional love and support.
  • kobiemom
    kobiemom Posts: 218 Member
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    My cousin died a year ago from Lung Cancer. Her brother died the year before from the same thing. They never smoked, but their father had a lawncare business when they were little. It may have come from chemical exposure. The first cousin took traditional treatment and didn't last long. The second one chose herbal treatments after one round of chemo. They kept telling her she was cured right up until she died. The autopsy showed that she died of Cancer. Her sisters - totally invested in the herbal B.S.- told everyone that she was Cancer free, but died from complications of the one round of "poison" chemo she took. I understand your anger. There is a whole industry based around fear and ignorance.
  • SusanMcAvoy
    SusanMcAvoy Posts: 445 Member
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    One of other posters mentioned you should let her know that you don't know what to say. I agree 100%. Be honest with her. One of the worst things you can do it not talk with her. Many years ago my first husband died. Not from cancer but from an accident. Anyway, the most painful thing I had to deal with was nobody talked with me about it. I guess they all felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. It hurt me so much because I never got the opportunity to express myself and was lost. No one knew what to say and I was so alone. It's important to process pain with a friend. Everybody was horrified when it happened and they didn't know what to say. I understood that but even still I got hurt by it. Try your best to be as honest as you possibly can. Talk to your friend. She needs you. Please don't judge her for not seeking the kind of treatment you would have wanted her to. Don't judge anyone unless you actually walk in their shoes. It's serious work being a friend but it's one of the most rewarding things you could do. Please try to find the strength to be there for her. Good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • _Wits_
    _Wits_ Posts: 1,286 Member
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    It is ok to have the feelings you have, but please realize your time with her is limited.

    I remember when my grandmother refused treatment, my brother was so pissed at her... he just didn't get it....and he missed out on some great moments that myself and the rest of my family had while we were by her side.

    Please go see your friend and just be there with her. If you have nothing to say, say nothing....just hold her hand and give her a hug when she needs and wants one.

    xoxo
  • 67butterfly
    67butterfly Posts: 76 Member
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    What you are feeling is perfectly natural - it is the first stage of grief. You have been reminded of your own mortality and how fragile life is and are shying away from it...

    stages-of-grief.gif?w=510
    This is so perfect. Thank you!
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    I think someone may have mentioned it already, but if you don't know how to support her, it doesn't hurt to ask... Just say "I don't understand what you're going through right now. All I know is that it's very hard, and I want to support you in any way I can. If there is anything in particular you want me to do or say, if there's a particular kind of support you want, maybe just an ear to listen to you, you can always let me know... I'd rather get it right the first time"
  • supersmiles11
    supersmiles11 Posts: 50 Member
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    Hiya butterfly. I've tried to email you but won't let me. I am someone who currently has a diagnosis of grade IV cancer so might be able to give you an idea of perspective from a different angle if you wanna chat. Just email me if you want. If you don't thats also okay. xx All you can really do is love your friend. Take care
  • pixietoes
    pixietoes Posts: 1,591 Member
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    Hey there,

    My opinion might be a little different than others. I spent the first part of this year fighting a brain tumor and most of the rest of it recovering from the medical procedures involved. In some ways I was very fortunate, after all, I am considered in very good condition. The tumor was successfully removed against ALL hope. I was not a candidate for radiation and I declined going to oncology for chemo. Almost all my doctors including the local neurosurgeon who did the first surgery agreed with me. He was the one who found the miracle man (one of three in the world) who was able and willing to do the surgery I needed.

    Doctors agreeing with you is not the same thing as loved ones agreeing with you. There were some friends who seriously wondered why I was making the decisions I did. Most of them knew, at least in theory and yet had serious doubts. They could have been right. I am grateful for the two friends who said to me "I don't understand how you're choosing this, it's not what I would do but I'm going to be here for you what ever happens."

    What I can tell you is that it was scary. Sometimes it was frustrating. And frankly a lot of it was missed as I slept at least 20 hours a day for a long time. I was very blessed that it all happened so quickly. I was even more blessed because the surgeon who saved my life and gave me hope of a longer life than my parents had was 87, voted the Neurosurgeon of the 20th Century and capable of doing what so few in the world can (and he trained the other guys, btw) and now he is retiring. Even more, I was blessed by friends, family and others who did everything they could do to support me and my family.

    Be honest with your friend about what you think, but understand that you are confessing your heart, not blaming her. Let her know you're going to be there and support her no matter what. Even if all she needs is for you to hold her hand. If you can't do that then it's probably best for you to deal with your feelings on your own.

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