Your family
126siany
Posts: 1,386 Member
I am not talking to those of you who want to lose 10 or 20 pounds to look better in your clothes.
I am talking to the folks who have to lose enough weight to impact their health.
Do you know that those who love you worry about you every day?
Do you know we feel that we are watching you actively commit suicide and feel helpless to intervene?
Do you know that while we have been enabling you by performing the tasks that your restricted mobility disallow, we feel conflicted about it?
Do you know that when you lie to us about your health, we know? And worry even more because now you are a liar?
Do you know that we worry every minute of every day that you will die?
Do you know that all of the health warnings or diagnoses that you ignore and refuse to treat make us think that your need to overeat is more important to you than your own family?
Do you know that your weight is not just YOUR problem, it is a primary stressor to everyone whom you love and anyone who loves you?
Do you know that even your adult children worry about becoming orphans?
I am talking to the folks who have to lose enough weight to impact their health.
Do you know that those who love you worry about you every day?
Do you know we feel that we are watching you actively commit suicide and feel helpless to intervene?
Do you know that while we have been enabling you by performing the tasks that your restricted mobility disallow, we feel conflicted about it?
Do you know that when you lie to us about your health, we know? And worry even more because now you are a liar?
Do you know that we worry every minute of every day that you will die?
Do you know that all of the health warnings or diagnoses that you ignore and refuse to treat make us think that your need to overeat is more important to you than your own family?
Do you know that your weight is not just YOUR problem, it is a primary stressor to everyone whom you love and anyone who loves you?
Do you know that even your adult children worry about becoming orphans?
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Replies
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No one else feels this way, watching a morbidly obese loved one kill themselves? Really? I am the ONLY one living this day to day? Doubtful.0
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You are not the only one that feels that way. My mom is very overweight. We have tried to talk to her and she will not listen and does not want to help herself. Her father died at 61 and she is now 58. I am very overweight myself. I just wish I had figured alot of things out earlier in my life so I wouldn't have gotten so heavy. I am thankful that I have figured a lot of it out (slowly) and am taking action to get healthier. Sometimes people can be in denial about how bad it has gotten also. Do your best and set a healthy example for your family.0
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To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.0
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To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.
Yuuuuuuuuup!0 -
My family made my weight, their problem in a very different way. My mother physically and verbally abused me, and left me behind on family vacations because she was ashamed to be seen with me because I was 'so fat' (I was 5'6" and weighed 150#). She was also paranoid, and accused me of doing everything from stealing her jewelry, to trying to seduce my stepfather. I later found out that this was because of the amphetamines she abused to keep her own weight down. So...that particular part of my family can die and I won't care.
Point is...this wasn't the place to post that.0 -
I think this is an important post. It is a point of view some do not think about. Thank you for posting.
I need to loose 50 to 70 pounds. Just enough to still be mobil but also enough to make a very negative impact on my health.
Thank you for helping me see through my family's eyes. I know they love me.
Just as I wished my parents would stop smoking and they didn't. I know my family would love me to get healthier. I will NOT dissapoint my family.
Thank you again for your insite.
I know you are hurting. Keep trying. That is all you can do.0 -
I think you have someone in your life that YOU really need to go talk to. Go deal with that. People need to be ready to start their own journey, nothing you can do or say can make them do it. Just be sincere in your offer to help and speak from a good place. You cannot help someone who is not ready to help themselves.0
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I agree with the last post that this is the reason so many of us are here and that this post was fairly unnecessary. That said, I agree with abdavison too. My mother is overweight, on statins and watches hours and hours of television every day after work. I have made a lifestyle change to get fit (I have about 50 lbs to lose) and I am hoping that I can inspire her. She wants to lose the weight, but she believes in fads and "dieting" and then loses hope.
This is all actually part of why I'm going to school to be a nurse practitioner. Besides the fact I have been very poor (living far below the poverty line), I have also been overweight, and I think this prospective brings a lot of understanding to how I will run my practice. I will have seen both sides, and understand many of the difficulties.0 -
To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.
^^^Agreed. Most people on MFP are trying to change their ways. It seems like your post might've been directed at someone in your personal life. Why don't you take it up with them instead of criticizing those who are making an effort to change their lives. You're lucky that you only have 18 lbs to lose, but even you were two lbs under your window. Yes I have to admit I wish I would've made an effort to lose the weight earlier, but when I see people on here who are losing twice the amount I need to lose I look at them and see how far they've come, not could they have done that to themselves.0 -
To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.
I am not criticizing YOU. You are on MFP and working towards a healthier future.
But many of us are related to people who are not working at managing their health or weight. Those individuals like to believe that their weight is a personal matter and affects no one but themselves.
I am calling BS on that, as being significantly (not cosmetically) overweight affects everyone in your life! Especially those to whom you are related. I am damned sick an tired of watching my mother kill herself. I am damned sick an tired of her lying to me about her health. I am damned sick an tired of worrying that she could be dead when she doesn't answer the phone. I am damned sick an tired of driving 6 hours round trip because she can not actually make a trip to the Post Office or the grocery store or vacuum her house all due to her weight. I am damned sick an tired of wondering what she is lying about to me today about her health, and wondering if I need a court order to get her medical records. I am damned sick an tired of her refusing to leave the house because she thinks she will be badly received anywhere other people are present. I am damned sick an tired of the fact that she has not seen any house I have ever purchased or lived in because that would require EFFORT and STANDING ON HER FEET. I am damned sick an tired of making excuses for her at funerals, weddings, christenings, etc, because she would have had to do a few feet of WALKING to attend.
But mostly, I am damned sick an tired of watching her actively try to commit suicide while I am supposed to applaud.0 -
I am damned sick an tired of wondering what she is lying about to me today about her health, and wondering if I need a court order to get her medical records.
And what would you do if you had them? Her weight is her issue. Do you realize how much you sound like the child of an alcoholic? Your making excuses for her is called 'enabling', your making her problems your own is co-dependence. I recommend you get therapy to learn how to separate yourself from her issues. That doesn't mean you can't grieve, and care, just that you quit feeding into the dynamic.0 -
I am so sorry =( I understand where you are coming from. I lost my Dad to substance abuse because he couldn't get clean. Years and years later (14 to be exact), I now understand that my Dad suffered an addiction, and while he tried, it got the best of him, and he did love me. It was a hard road though.
-hugs- for you... and, for everyone saying this shouldn't have been posted? I think this is a site dedicated to dealing with weight and health. This post is about weight and health. Yes, it's not about the numbers, or NSVs, or carb contents. It's about the grueling mental aspects of dealing with weight, family, and life. Lets ease up on the OP shall we?0 -
It is not an unnecessary post. I live this EVERY FREAKING DAY. I get the panicked calls from my siblings every single day and have to talk them off the ledge. (We rotate who will go do basic daily living tasks for our practically immobile due to obesity, mother) We are all in terror of becoming orphans any second. We're all conflicted at the ways in which we enable my mother's disability due to weight. I am the only one who can stand to be at her home for more than 12 hours and even I am hideously depressed by it.
SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPTION of the stress she puts us under. NONE. Not at all. I sincerely doubt she is the only morbidly obese person who blocks out the idea that people who love her are under incredible stress, every day.
Call me whatever you want to call me. Say I am nasty or bullying or whatever. I still say, there is a large portion of obese individuals who think it is a personal issue while their loved ones are in crisis. It's not a personal issue unless you are incredibly isolated. If there is ONE person who loves you it's not a personal issue,0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist0
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Tell me, how is this different? I really don't think it is. In all honesty, that is how I regard her. She knows that her behavior is killing her, ruining every aspect of her life, yet is powerless to stop it. The named poison is irrelevant the model is the same. And yes it's textbook case for raising codependents. Difference is that I am aware of that and she has no clue
I am damned sick an tired of wondering what she is lying about to me today about her health, and wondering if I need a court order to get her medical records.
And what would you do if you had them? Her weight is her issue. Do you realize how much you sound like the child of an alcoholic? Your making excuses for her is called 'enabling', your making her problems your own is co-dependence. I recommend you get therapy to learn how to separate yourself from her issues. That doesn't mean you can't grieve, and care, just that you quit feeding into the dynamic.0 -
To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.
Because she wanted to0 -
Im sorry you are hurting.
I am assuming your not a minor and an adult since it is a 6 hour round trip. Therefore, you won't become an orphan. Any of us could lose our parent at any given time. It could be a car accident etc.
My parents are 16 hours from me. My dad is addicted to smoking. Has my entire life and has had a massive stroke.
I spent 38 years of MY life living within 10 minutes of them.
It took MY daughter being sick due to the environment we lived in for me to realize it was time to live MY life for MY kids and husband and stop worrying about taking care of my parents (I am an only child).
So while I do see where you are hurting and upset. . She is making this decision herself. At some point you need to live your life and realize that she is living hers (despite what you feel is a bad way to do so).
*Hugs to you* I am glad you have siblings to help you. I wish I did. Especially while my dad was laying in a hospital bed.0 -
Tell me, how is this different? I really don't think it is. In all honesty, that is how I regard her. She knows that her behavior is killing her, ruining every aspect of her life, yet is powerless to stop it. The named poison is irrelevant the model is the same. And yes it's textbook case for raising codependents. Difference is that I am aware of that and she has no clue
My point is, that it isn't different. It's exactly the same, and I'm telling you what I would tell the child of an alcoholic. GET HELP. If you're aware you're co-dependent but doing nothing about it, it's like being aware you're obese and doing nothing. You cannot change her. You cannot control her. All you can control is your emotional response to her behavior. In fact, she may be doing it to subconsciously feed off that emotional response, and your getting therapy to learn how to quit feeding it might be the only way to help her.0 -
I am the fat one in my family they are all very supportive. I am not sure what to say love you can only lead the horse to water so to speak0
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I am not talking to those of you who want to lose 10 or 20 pounds to look better in your clothes.
I am talking to the folks who have to lose enough weight to impact their health.
Do you know that those who love you worry about you every day?
Do you know we feel that we are watching you actively commit suicide and feel helpless to intervene?
Do you know that while we have been enabling you by performing the tasks that your restricted mobility disallow, we feel conflicted about it?
Do you know that when you lie to us about your health, we know? And worry even more because now you are a liar?
Do you know that we worry every minute of every day that you will die?
Do you know that all of the health warnings or diagnoses that you ignore and refuse to treat make us think that your need to overeat is more important to you than your own family?
Do you know that your weight is not just YOUR problem, it is a primary stressor to everyone whom you love and anyone who loves you?
Do you know that even your adult children worry about becoming orphans?
i can't even imagine living with this like you have for so many years. i know people in the same situation, and as much as they don't want it to happen, resentment enters & slowly takes over. keep loving your mom & taking care of her b/c she's your mom & that's the way it should be. but you have to use this sadness/frustration & turn it into energy & focus for YOU. congrats to you for taking charge of your life & deciding to become healthy! you can DO it! pray for your mom, love your mom, and care for your mom...but stay on your journey! you will be so proud of yourself! & remember, actions speak louder than words in all scenarios! she'll be hearing by watching you...even if she doesn't admit it! keep going!!
)) 0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist
Do you think that has never been raised? Really?
She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.
Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.
But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!0 -
I agree also with the above saying the OP should consider meeting with a therapist on help dealing with this.
Don't count on mom ever going...OP you go to learn to deal with the issues and stress you have.
It's kind of like them saying a couple needs marriage counselling, but if the spouse won't go...you go by youself anyway to learn to cope.0 -
To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.
I am not criticizing YOU. You are on MFP and working towards a healthier future.
But many of us are related to people who are not working at managing their health or weight. Those individuals like to believe that their weight is a personal matter and affects no one but themselves.
I am calling BS on that, as being significantly (not cosmetically) overweight affects everyone in your life! Especially those to whom you are related. I am damned sick an tired of watching my mother kill herself. I am damned sick an tired of her lying to me about her health. I am damned sick an tired of worrying that she could be dead when she doesn't answer the phone. I am damned sick an tired of driving 6 hours round trip because she can not actually make a trip to the Post Office or the grocery store or vacuum her house all due to her weight. I am damned sick an tired of wondering what she is lying about to me today about her health, and wondering if I need a court order to get her medical records. I am damned sick an tired of her refusing to leave the house because she thinks she will be badly received anywhere other people are present. I am damned sick an tired of the fact that she has not seen any house I have ever purchased or lived in because that would require EFFORT and STANDING ON HER FEET. I am damned sick an tired of making excuses for her at funerals, weddings, christenings, etc, because she would have had to do a few feet of WALKING to attend.
But mostly, I am damned sick an tired of watching her actively try to commit suicide while I am supposed to applaud.
I understand your frustration and terror - those are legitimate feelings, but everything you've just said is about YOU. Have you thought about it from HER perspective? As someone who's morbidly obese let me give you a few little insights that you may have been fortunate enough not to have experienced in your life:
1. She is not doing any of this TO you. Her weight, surprisingly, is not about YOU. It is about her. And whatever started her on the journey of weight-gain, I guarantee you - it was not pleasant. I would venture a guess that if she's let herself get big enough that she's almost immobile her over-eating is both an addiction, and her only coping mechanism for serious, fundamental emotional trauma / scaring.
2. The fact that she doesn't want to leave the house because, as you put it, "that would require EFFORT and STANDING ON HER FEET"... well I'd say that's probably about 10% of it. Yes, no one wants to feel physically uncomfortable or even genuine pain by leaving the house, but after everything you've described it sounds as though she's more agoraphobic than lazy. That's genuine, it's serious, again it's NOT about YOU, and it requires serious psychiatric help. I was the same, for 5 years - couldn't leave my house. And that becomes a vicious cycle: you stack the weight on because you won't leave the house and you won't leave the house because you've stacked the weight on. As much as you love your mother (which is obviously the reason for your outrage) you have to try, at least, to put yourself in her shoes: whatever judgement / attacks / bullying she faces in the world because of her weight, she probably says to herself - all day, every day and in a thousand more hurtful ways. It's very rare that you'll find someone with the confluence of issues you've spoken about who has ANY self-worth left at all. And to take control of your health / weight / body, you have to have SOME self-worth or there's literally no reason to, in your mind.
3. She needs encouragement. She doesn't need outrage or criticism or scolding. Regardless of the effects this has on your life, it is NOT your life - it is hers. Whether she is a drug addict or a gambler or morbidly obese or just never around, by the time you're an adult and she's an adult, her choices are her own and really, she doesn't owe you anything. If her presence in your life is causing you that much stress and anguish, you need to be an adult and simply cut all ties. It's up to each person to decide if the people around them are positive or negative forces in their life and remove what is damaging: that is your choice, the consequences are not your mother's fault.
I really hope you can organise some family counselling, and if you're going to suggest anything to your mother - don't make it that she eats right and exercises because by the sounds of it, she has 0% reason to for herself right now and probably has NO self-esteem or self-worth. She needs psychiatric help, and for the moment I think that's all you should offer her. And if she's not willing to change, then you need to remove yourself.
Good luck.0 -
To be blunt and honest and trying to be respectful, you didn't need to post this. Obviously, people have joined this site have already realized the issues you bring up, so your observations help no one already on MFP. Of course we all have people in our lives we worry about, but I don't understand your point of posting this rant on MFP.0
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wow .... just wow..... how many people have been scared away from AA, or the church or their own family because they couldn't face the same guilt and shame that you just dumped on a whole lot of people!....
I'm sorry that you're suffering.... but to make people who are here and trying their best feel even WORSE about something that for MOST people is beyond their control is just unforgivable.......
thankfully I had someone to SUPPORT me through my own RECOVERY and was able to make the changes I needed to gain control of my life.... as useless as I felt at the beginning of my journey.... that post would have probably sent me even deeper into shame and feelings of worthlessness....
you've managed to make ME feel dirty and that's just not cool0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist
Do you think that has never been raised? Really?
She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.
Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.
But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!
Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.0 -
Rude.
You don't need to tell an overweight person that they're overweight. They know.
You don't need to tell an overweight person that its impacting their health. They feel it everyday.0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist
Do you think that has never been raised? Really?
She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.
Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.
But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!
Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.
Yes. All of this has been tried.
Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist
I agree..loved ones who have family members that are addicts often attend Al-anon to learn how to cope..........and learn how to handle your distress in this situation...You are obviously hurting....good luck to you0 -
sounds like you should be seeing a family therapist
Do you think that has never been raised? Really?
She will have none of it. She will eat herself to death. If I had to place a bet, she will hit 300 lbs by 2013, and probably also have succeeded in killing herself by then.
Call me crazy, but I'd actually prefer that my mother live. She's had 3 strokes, she's pre diabetic, has high blood pressure, terrible arthritis, sleep apnea. But if you asked her, she would say that she has no health problems as most are controlled by meds.
But you're right, of course. Morbidly obese people shouldn't ever consider that they are stressing their loved ones to the breaking point every single day. Silly me. We should just ignore the morbidly obese people in our lives, as that is clearly more comfortable for everyone. Thank you for your sage advice. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that earlier!
Have you tried talking to her about WHY she is eating?
Try to have a chat with her about why she is overeating.. the thing she is missing out on in her life to make her feel the need to void this hole.
Yes. All of this has been tried.
Keep in mind that her idea of "therapy" is based in the 50s. She was FORCED into it then, as a teen, and she is determined to never go back. Let's put it this way: If her choices were to watch one of her children be disemboweled on live telecast or go to one talk therapy session, she would ask for popcorn and extra butter.
Look, what do you want from us? Sympathy?
You posted this on here and we gave you advice, trying to help. All you are doing is throwing it back in our face and being rude.0
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