How/When, if ever to tell someone he/she is obese.

Unless they ask you point blank am I obese/overweight, they are a close loved one that you couldn't live without, or you are their physician it's not something you should say. As for that guy in Wisconsin, he probably should have kept his mouth shut but I don't think he was being a bully. He seemed to actually be concerned for her and the viewers albeit unneeded and totally out of line concern it was from a place of caring/concern not a bully calling names and degrading a person.

When I was obese I had no idea I was obese. I truly did not look like it. I don't think I look especially fat now even though I am still very overweight (I have over 50 pounds to go until goal weight). I wish my husband had said something to me long before I became obese.

Unless you are very close to someone it's probably a bad idea to say anything about their weight.

I don't totally agree w/ all the replies that state overweight/obese people know they are overweight or obese. When I was a kid, I knew I was chubby- but a kid today who was my size back then would be considered 'normal' now. It seems to me that this also applies to adults- folks have so many options and there are so many other overweight people around all the time that it is more and more 'normal' to be 30, 50, 60, maybe even 80 lbs overweight. For example, after losing 66 lbs, I now wear a size 14 or 16- which I can get at most clothing stores quite easily- but I'm still obese at 180 lbs, 5'4 inches. I'm happy that I no longer have to shop at the 'big girls' stores, but if I weren't so keenly aware of health and appropriate weights for my sizes, I might just think I was a 'chubby'.

That said, I agree that it's probably only appropriate to bring up weight as a larger conversation on health with your close friends or family. And I know from experience that you can't force someone to make a change. However, sometimes a seed from that conversation will stick and eventually grow into action.

A better way to 'talk' to anyone else about weight is just to be an example. Inviting a friend or acquaintance for a walk or a boot camp class (with no expectations) seems to be within bounds. Or, invite them over for dinner and cook a great healthy meal. No words need to be exchanged (especially not w/ the zeal of the newly converted). Just sharing healthy experiences is a good step. It may stick- it may not.

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I think if you're close to the person then you can bring it up gently. I got to over 200 pounds and no one ever said a word - I've always felt fat, so when I actually became fat, it was hard for me to really know how bad it was. I could still fit clothes from normal stores, and I always got, "You're not fat, you look fine" I didn't look fine! I was HUGE! Once I stepped on the scale and saw for myself, only then did I change. If someone had said something, I might have started earlier.

I wouldn't say, "Hey, you are obese" though. I would say "Let's go hiking" or cook something healthy for the both of us. I agree, most people know when they're fat.

If you knew someone was anorexic or bulimic, you would say something. If you knew they had a drinking problem, you would say something. I think as long as you KNOW the person (i.e. not a coworker or a casual friend or acquaintance) you should bring it up if you know for sure that their habits are damaging (not someone who is obese and also takes care of their health). Even if they are not obese and have a perfectly normal BMI but eat junk all the time, you can encourage them to be healthier. It's not just about weight. Obesity is unfortunately a health condition that happens to be manifested on the outside :ohwell:

This is one of the many negatives of being obese. Everyone thinks your body is their business.

This. Why is the health of your co-worker or gym lady any of your business?

If you want to provide general information on how you've found ways to eat healthier - go ahead. People get excited about their own new lifestyle changes and frequently share that information. It's not a whole lot different then sharing beauty tips, or a new recipe you found. Even saying things like - wow, my joints feel better since I lost weight - would be fine - because you're talking about yourself, not them.

But telling someone that they're overweight - it's not helpful. It says nothing. All you're doing is fat-shaming them. I don't care what your intentions are. The fact is that you should be paying more attention to what you're doing, vs. judging others and then proceeding to tell them about it.

If you're worried about the health of a loved one (or you're they're doctor) by all means, say something. But try to be helpful. "You've gained weight" helps no one.

It's so confusing to me why people can't simply focus on themselves, making themselves happy, making themselves better. The idea that we have some higher purpose to enlighten those who are overweight prior to them seeking out help seems awfully egotistical to me. Let people make their choices in their own time.

I am a firm believer of "Actions speak louder than words". I made a huge life change in July and am not quite out of the overweight bucket, but getting there. Let's just say that my own lifestyle change has impacted many around me and they also are starting to pay more attention to what they eat and what they do.

Be a positive role model and be open about your challenges and when your family/friends are ready, they will ask...and you will introduce them to MFP and what you are doing to make you life so much more enjoyable.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Everyone has to decide for him/herself when it's time to make a change. Take care of your business. Unless the person is blind, they know know they have a weight problem. The person may be dealing with deeper issues and don't need your opinion or observation.

If a person goes to a gym, at least the person is trying. Who made you God?

So retired Mom, your good old friend is doing coke and drinking 9 beers a day. Now what?

If you think that person doesn't know they're obese, you're oblivious imo. They know. They will deal with it when/if they are ready. Being pushed into it by a force outside themselves, either positive or negative, will not work and will only be upsetting. Change has to come from within. I find this true even for family members - say something only if you want to hurt their feelings, because even if you motivate them to try now until THEY want to make the change - truly want it - it won't work. We know this all the time from MFP, that it's a lifestyle change that has to happen, so it always makes me shake my head when people are like "How do I tell someone they're obese?" They know they're obese. What are you going to accomplish by saying something?

^^^This!

It's just like the anchorwoman said, 'You don't think I know this already?'. To the OP, I don't think it's in anyone's place to really say anything. Let that person come around to it when it's their time to do so, otherwise you risk greatly offending someone or making them incredibly insecure, seeing as their issues are now being brought to attention. It's not good to ignore this.. buuuut.. Well... I dunno.

Discussions about the Wisconsin newscaster got me thinking about this. Most discussions of that story have focused on whether the guy who wrote her is a bully.

If the guy in Wisconsin was rude when, if ever, is it appropriate to tell someone he or she needs to lose weight? And how should the topic be brought up? Most of us have had our struggles and have, no doubt, gotten our share of unsoliicited advice. Last year, my mother gave me a hard tiime about gaining weight. Now, that strikes me as fair as I consider it a given that my mother has my best iinterests at heart. On the other hand, a guy I slightly know professionally said something sort of rude to me last spring. (and he hiimself is overweight so go figure) So, how and when to bring things up?

If I take as a given that close friends and (immediate) family are fair game as the relationships are clear, who else to discuss it with. Here are a couple of examples where I have thought about it but, so far, have thought better of bringing it up.

A guy I know who is a professional colleague, even shared office space with him for a year. And, I see him and his family from time to time at social occasions. When I first met him some 15 years ago, he was a normal weight, and even somewhat good looking. But, I would say that over the years, he has gained over 100 lbs, maybe 150 lbs and is now morbiidly obese. In a nutshell, this guy looks terrible. And, he has two young children so one would think that he at least owes it to them to take better care of himself. I don't think he has an illness. I have seen the guy eat (remember we shared office space), so I know why he is so biig. Having been through the exact same thing myself, I think I know what this guy's problem is, but do I dare bring iit up?

Second example. At my gym, there is a woman who works in membership who has gone from slightly overweight to obese in the last few years. IMO, the gym is one of the few jobs where I think the employees need to walk the walk and look at least somewhat fit. (maybe unfair but if I am thinking about joining a gym, want the employees to at least pretend they care about working out.) On the other hand, she is a total stranger to me so my inclination is to just keep my mouth shut.

Any thoughts?

Well, see, this is the thing:

Most obese people have this thing where they, being obese, already know. I don't see how you can survive in this society without knowing that you, unlike those "saintly thinner people", are obese. People own mirrors, people go shopping for clothes, most people have correct vision. Unless it's one of those "the weight slowly crept up on me" things where it's gradual and less noticiable over time, why would anyone need to pull over these apparently "clueless" obese people and go

"Hey, listen, Jack. You might not know this due to living in your body for like 40 years .... but hate to break it to you, you're obese."

Pretty sure they already got the memo and don't need to be reminded of the obvious.

There's this dude in one of my design classes ... he has to be at least 400-500lbs. I see him struggle to move, I hear him breathe heavily as if he's gasping for air. I don't really feel the need to go "hey ... did you notice under all your constant stuggles to move and breathe, that you're obese?"

Not only would that be rude and unkind (even if it is the truth), it wouldn't be my place. I don't know him and from what I can see, he's polite to everyone and is a student in the class like everyone else.

It's a tough boundry. But you def. should have some kind of personal or close relationship with the person. From there you will know how to approach it. But even then, it's touchy.

I.E. I have a friend who put on weight, used to be skinny... but I don't know how to say "hey, you put on a few lbs." because OTHERS have and it hurt her feelings. Instead I say "ya know, I do need a work out partner and my boyfriend doesn't want to go with me" It's not SAYING she's over weight, it's offering something to do.

I have another friend, who has always been over weight. I worked with her at Wendy's and she'd complain about it, but pop chicken nuggets in her mouth. Then I heard her give her mom a list of food she wants from the store... it included multiple cereals' 2 flavors of ice cream, and more junk food. But she was not convinced how fat she was, it was more pity. I still to this day don't know how to approach it as she's very sensitive. But I'm sure again, others have made mention.

My boyfriend put on weight since we started living together. (typical guy thing) With him, I know I can be blunt. But I throw it into a joke, and the reason for that, I don't care if it's 500lbs, I'd love him either way... but I care about his health as he has a family history of heart disease. That and his few lbs isn't like, terrible, just could be causing his knee pain.

Finally, I have a cousin, who was a VERY skinny kid. Then one summer blew up. I mean, like, an easy 50lbs in the summer. But she never accepted it, 15 years later, she STILL thinks she's skinny. She takes the angled pics to make herself feel better and have others think she's skinny. She doesn't want to lose weight, and she won't hear that she's fat, she'll bully people instead to make them scared. Her... well, karma sucks, I don't even want to tell her how foolish she looks in skimpy tight clothes with her weight.

So in short... all different people, all different levels of relationship, all different types. It really just matters on who you're dealing with and what kind of relationship you have. But if they're close to you it may be good to say something just in terms of health, not weight. For all you know, that person could be seriously depressed and eating more than usual for comfort.

Saying someone is obese is NOT a bad thing to say. It is an observation about their appearance which shouldn't be mocked but if you say someone is : blonde, tall, short, bearded, etc and etc. that's perfectly fine, but the second you describe them as being obese you've crossed the line? Fat is a bad word to call someone, but saying their obese is not. It's the medical term for their size. Not a put down of any kind in my view.

I'm of the opinion that "Fat" isn't a bad word; it's just a word. The negative connotations are what offend people (it's a loaded word); not so much the word itself.

However, the way the word "obese" is used -- in TV, the media and all, does carry a negative connotation. So, when you call your mom obese, (even if she is), she would have a reason to feel badly about it. Because it isn't just a "medical term" for their size --- it's a medical term that is usually (along with the word "fat") used as an insult.

Saying someone is obese is NOT a bad thing to say. It is an observation about their appearance which shouldn't be mocked but if you say someone is : blonde, tall, short, bearded, etc and etc. that's perfectly fine, but the second you describe them as being obese you've crossed the line? Fat is a bad word to call someone, but saying their obese is not. It's the medical term for their size. Not a put down of any kind in my view.

I'm of the opinion that "Fat" isn't a bad word; it's just a word. The negative connotations are what offend people (it's a loaded word); not so much the word itself.

However, the way the word "obese" is used -- in TV, the media and all, does carry a negative connotation. So, when you call your mom obese, (even if she is), she would have a reason to feel badly about it. Because it isn't just a "medical term" for their size --- it's a medical term that is usually (along with the word "fat") used as an insult.

The only thing I've herd obese be used as negitive is in health aspects. Obesity carrys a greater risk for "insert random medical complication here" by that logic saying someone is a smoker is a put down ever if they smoke?

No, it would not be appropriate, outside of family and very close friends. Borderline appropriate even then.

HOWEVER, there are ways to discuss without being offensive. For example: "I recently started water aerobics and I love it! My instructor is tough, and I feel really good afterwards. My gym allows us to bring a guest, would you like to join me? It really is quite fun." When the person inevitably says why are you asking, are you calling me fat, you simply say no, I really have fun in the class and though maybe you would enjoy it as well. Also, when you take them to lunch, introduce them to someplace new that offers fresh options and no fried garbage. They might not know how much they like Indian food or some other ethnic food that focuses on fresh, high quality indregients.

Other than that, they have a mirror. They KNOW how big they are.

Saying someone is obese is NOT a bad thing to say. It is an observation about their appearance which shouldn't be mocked but if you say someone is : blonde, tall, short, bearded, etc and etc. that's perfectly fine, but the second you describe them as being obese you've crossed the line? Fat is a bad word to call someone, but saying their obese is not. It's the medical term for their size. Not a put down of any kind in my view.

I'm of the opinion that "Fat" isn't a bad word; it's just a word. The negative connotations are what offend people (it's a loaded word); not so much the word itself.

However, the way the word "obese" is used -- in TV, the media and all, does carry a negative connotation. So, when you call your mom obese, (even if she is), she would have a reason to feel badly about it. Because it isn't just a "medical term" for their size --- it's a medical term that is usually (along with the word "fat") used as an insult.

The only thing I've herd obese be used as negitive is in health aspects. Obesity carrys a greater risk for "insert random medical complication here" by that logic saying someone is a smoker is a put down ever if they smoke?

No, because the word "Obese" has a stronger negative connotation than the word "Smoker" does. Both carry health risks, but people judge others far more for being obese than they do for someone who happens to be a "Smoker".