So much doom and gloom
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A Zen Buddhist walks into a pizza parlor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
lol0 -
My four mates and I went to a Fancy Dress party dressed as a hand.
It was a bit awkward trying to walk in unison and on route, my mate, Peter, at the end, took a bit of a tumble.
When we arrived at the party we told the host about what happened and before we got a chance to tell him who fell, he said 'So it was Peter who fell then'
'How did you know it was Peter' We asked.
He said 'It was easy, he stands out like a sore thumb'0 -
I'm a dyslexic, insomniac agnostic. I lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
Love it!0 -
What do eskimos get from sitting too long?
Polaroids0 -
two peanuts walk into a bar. one was assaulted.0
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two peanuts walk into a bar. one was assaulted.
the other met a piece of bread. he was buttered.0 -
The lady next door came to my door asking if I knew anything about her washing missing from her clothes line.
I almost s**t her pants!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Ooh, another one:
How are a tornado in Oklahoma and a divorce in Alabama related? Either way, someone is losing a trailer.
Love it :laugh:0 -
I bought a home pregnancy test last week...turns out my house is pregnant!0
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A gorilla escaped from the local zoo and had climbed up a tree and would not comedown. The local police found him there and called the zoo keeper to come get him. When he showed up , he brought with him a bulldog, a pair of handcuffs and a shot gun.
"Whats with all the stuff you brought?" "Well, said the zoo keeper," I'M gonna climb the tree, push the gorilla out of the tree,the bulldog will snag his balls and you slap the hand cuffs on him." The policeman pawned, "Now lets see if I understand this correctly. you are gonna climb the tree,push the gorilla out of the tree, the bulldog will grab his balls and I slip the hand cuffs on. Is that right?" "Yes" replied the zoo keeper," There must be no mistake." "Ok" said the policeman,"So...what's the shot gun for?"
The zoo keeper replied "Well, when I climb the tree and it so happens the gorilla pushes ME out of the tree,you better shoot that damn bulldog!":laugh: :noway: :ohwell:
Funny0 -
My husband is a huge fan of punny jokes some are funny, most are groan worthy, but a good wife always obliges their husband's jokes. At least he's really good at telling them! This is for you punny people
How does Moses like his tea? He brews it.
You know Jesus drove a Honda? He just never spoke of his accord. .
What kind of pron do farm animals watch?
Brown chicken brown cow.
So this is just funny. My daughter had a grand-mal seizure at the mall. We get daughter in husband's car
And i was going to return to the wheel chair and drive my other daughter home in my car. (not the funny part but we deal with it better than most parents)
So my daughter is telling me every thing that happened. This is the first time she's had to deal with alone.
She say "Mom, this guy, he like comes over puts his hand on Jen's head and started praying! He said" Dear Lord, please helpthis girl blah blah blah" and I just died laughing. So here i am after what most people find intense and i'm laughing. Didn't go over well with the security guard when i returned the wheel chair! I still tease my daughter about that. So weird!0 -
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue. It's what your mother calls me. The boy yells, it's a f*cking d!ck, don't eat it!0
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What do you call a dog with no legs ..........
doesn't matter it won't come to you!
(shoot me now sorry!)0 -
What do you call a dog with no legs ..........
doesn't matter it won't come to you!
(shoot me now sorry!)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.0 -
A man is waiting to cross the street and sees a pick-up truck with penguins in the back. He runs out to the driver and says "Sir, you must take those penguins to the zoo!"
The driver replies: "Sure thing." and pulls away from the stop light.
A few days later the same man sees the same pick-up truck at the same intersection - but this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses.. He runs out to speak to the driver and this time he is a little testy. "Sir, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The driver replies: "I did and they like it so much, today I am taking them to the zoo!"0 -
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
LOVE0 -
What is the difference between a sky diver with a failed parachute and a golfer with a bad swing?
The golfer: Swish!! Wack!! "D@mn!!"
The sky diver: Swish!! "D@mn!!" Wack!!0 -
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because they'd be bagels!0
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Okay, we'll try again.
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison. The news is saying there's a small medium at large.
This made me snort hot coffee through my nose!0 -
I bought a home pregnancy test last week...turns out my house is pregnant!
That's cute!
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The string leaves but reappears after a few minutes with threads pulled out of place.
The bartender sighs and says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was here a moment ago?"
The string hops up on the barstool and says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."0 -
You ever see Ray Charles's wife? Neither did he
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Rearrange the furniture
Why did Helen Keller's mom wear tight pants? So Helen could read her lips
A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been ****ed! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your ****ed!" he says and starts to row away.0 -
What do you call a dog with no legs ..........
doesn't matter it won't come to you!
(shoot me now sorry!)
What do you call a boy with no arms and legs, lying on your front porch? Matt
In the sea? Bob
On railroad tracks? Out of luck.
Feel better?0 -
I went to a zoo the other day. They only had one animal. It was a Shih Tzu.0
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Q. How do you hide money from a hippie?
A. Put it under the soap.0
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