What would you do?...

corn63
corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
edited January 1 in Chit-Chat
I'm going to attempt to make this as concise as possible so I don't turn into one of those "But you don't understand, there's more to the story!!" posters.

Back story:
Brother knocked up some random before he went to boot camp for the Army. She shows up 3 months pregnant, NOBODY knows who she is. My brother didn't have much of a relationship with his son because 1- he's an idiot/he was young (19) when he was born 2- he's been either deployed or stationed 20hrs away and not able to see him. So my Mom and I have always picked up his "slack" on his fathering. Now my Mother has moved away to Florida (we're in Iowa) and so now it's left to me to make sure there's still a relationship with our side of the family. My brother has been out of the Army 9 months, is working on a relationship with his son and lives about 45mins away now.

But this situation has to do between his mother (nephew's mother) and I.

I signed up my nephew for swimming lessons. Two sessions. One in Sept another in October. BEFORE I did this, I contacted his mother:

Me: "I want to sign up my nephew for swimming lessons since he wasn't able to go down the slides at the pool this summer and he really wants to. So it's important that he learns to swim. I want to take him to these lessons so we can have some one on one time, so does Mon/Wed work?."
Her: "Mon/Wed works best for us."
Me: "Okay, I'll sign him up for Mon/Wed. Is that good for both sessions? Because I plan on taking him for those lessons both sessions. I want to see what the instructors are like (I taught lessons for 13 years) too."
Her: "Yup. Mon/Wed is perfect for us."

So I sign him up. In the interim of waiting for his first class to begin, I get a call from my mother "Did you know (blank) has changed your nephew's swimming lessons?" "No, I did not." So I contact her, she was signing him up for flag football and the practices are on Mon/Wed. She told the people that were in charge of registration that he had swimming lessons on Mon/Wed and that would make for a long night for him. So she asked to change his swimming lesson days to T/R. They changed the lessons for her. MIND YOU: I paid for them and they were under MY account with MY information. She is NO where on the account.

Contact her again:
Me: "You changed my nephew's swimming lesson days?"
Her: "Yes, I hope that doesn't make you mad. He wanted to play football this fall and it's on Mon/Wed. I didn't want him to have football 530-630 then swimming from 645-715. So I asked them to change them to T/R"
Me: "I'm a little confused how you changed the lessons, since you're not on the account, but that's neither here nor there. I just really wish you would've spoken to me first. I was really looking forward to spending this time with him weekly since I don't get to see him because he's busy with other activities and school."
Her: "Well, sorry. He really wanted to do football."
Me: "Okay. I understand. I'll come see him swim when I can."

Fast forward to this week:
He's supposed to start lessons Mon/Wed this week. SHE CHANGED THE LESSONS AGAIN without my knowledge. I'm at my wits end with this woman. What would you do? I don't want to cancel his lessons because he literally had a melt down when he couldn't go down the slide at the swimming pool. I just don't have the time to teach him myself to be consistent enough for him to learn. So I set up these lessons so I could take him, she wouldn't have to do a thing. She won't let me get him any other time. I've tried to take him for an afternoon to get ice cream or go to the park and she always says he's busy. I am SO frustrated. I checked his attendance on the last session, he went to 3/10 lessons. I PAID FOR THAT. If she had kept him on the days he was on, he would've made 10/10. I'm just so frustrated. I hate it that I have no rights to him at all and she can do whatever she wants :frown:
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Replies

  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Oh, dear. I think ultimately, all you can do is keep trying to make plans while seething silently and venting to anyone who will listen.

    If you blow up at her, you really won't get to see him and could make things rough on your brother's relattionship with her (and his son by proxy).

    I don't understand women like her at all, but it sounds like she resents that her son has a paternal side of his family. A lot of women are like that. The boyfriend's ex is like that. She actually told him that she isn't comfortable with him having his daughter around his family and doesn't trust him to care for his daughter properly.

    Now, I wasn't there when they were married, but I've been here for nearly eight years and while C has plenty of issues, one of them is NOT how he cares for his child. And his family is wonderful. The ex is just psychotic.
  • BeingAwesome247
    BeingAwesome247 Posts: 1,171 Member
    whew....oh boy.... unfortunately your hands are tied...besides sitting down and having a talk with her.

    What she did was extremely rude and I'd be flipping out a bit at the place providing the lessons.
    Also maybe urging your brother to exercise more of his rights, thus giving you more time with the child.

    My ex's sister would never think to do something as generous as what you offered & neither have his parents. See I'm on the mom's end of things but some of his family, like his mother, will complain/whine that they don't see her enough....well, you don't call me to ask either. I like being with my kid so I RARELY call and ask others to take her.

    Best of luck; I know how these situations SUCK!!
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    I'm just so frustrated. I hate it that I have no rights to him at all and she can do whatever she wants :frown:

    You're right, you as an aunt do not have any rights.
    Her as the child's mother, has all the rights.

    It sucks,I feel for you. I think it's great that you're trying to do all this for him. As frustrating as this all is for you, I think that you have to just keep trying. I also hope that your brother is indeed trying to be a part of this child's life.
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
    It sounds like she's trying to annoy you in hopes that it will make you angry and no longer try. That way she can tell her son, "I'm not sure why she doesn't come around anymore".

    The only thing you have control over would be the account you have that pays for the swim lessons. Can you contact them and asked them to confirm any changes to the classes with you, or that only you are allowed to change the dates?

    *ETA, you sound like an awesome aunt! Your nephew will appreicate all this someday.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    She's a single mom, right? Scheduling stuff is hard. Just be glad she's a good enough mom to be getting him involved in activities and do your best to coordinate with her even if things get crazy. It's life.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    She's a single mom, right? Scheduling stuff is hard. Just be glad she's a good enough mom to be getting him involved in activities and do your best to coordinate with her even if things get crazy. It's life.

    No, she's not. She's a married mother with 3 other kids that are not my brothers. Her husband is a stay at home dad.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    She's a single mom, right? Scheduling stuff is hard. Just be glad she's a good enough mom to be getting him involved in activities and do your best to coordinate with her even if things get crazy. It's life.

    Good point!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    She's a single mom, right? Scheduling stuff is hard. Just be glad she's a good enough mom to be getting him involved in activities and do your best to coordinate with her even if things get crazy. It's life.

    Good point!

    I'm a single mom and have been since the day my daughter was born. It isn't that difficult.
  • GoyoZ
    GoyoZ Posts: 1
    It sounds like a very complex situation. My suggestion would be to arrange some time in the future to have a conversation. Discuss how you felt about the situation, in a non-confrontational manner, along with your interest in having a reciprocal relationship where trust is built. Try avoiding inflammatory statements & work toward recognizing eachothers current situations.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    She's a single mom, right? Scheduling stuff is hard. Just be glad she's a good enough mom to be getting him involved in activities and do your best to coordinate with her even if things get crazy. It's life.

    but she is actually would be making things easier. She wants to take him to the lessons and spend time with him...that would actually free the mom up.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    While I understand having a nephew you don't get to spend much time with (my brother's ex wife is very manipulative and tries to keep my nephew away from us as much as possible), I think you need to put yourself in her shoes.

    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Frankly, it sounds like you're overstepping your boundaries; if I were her, that's how I would feel. If that's not the case, then you need to sit down with her and communicate about it so that she doesn't feel like you're trying to play your brother's role in her son's life. If that's what you're doing, then you need to back off. You're not a parent to that child and you need to respect the parent who is responsible for him.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    I think you are in a no win situation. Do whats best for the kid, and try to appease her the best you can.
    you lost some cash from swim lessons, I guess there is worse things in life. (hows that for positive spin?)
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?

    And I have ALWAYS been involved in his life. Since day one. I've paid for his day care, doctors visits, taken days off of work for him. I'm not an uninvolved family member attempting to have a relationship with him.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    First of all I'd question how this place where you set the child up for swimming lessons would even be able to tell a third party what days they're signed up for and change the information without your knowledge. That right there is a red, sketchy flag for me. Regardless of whether or not she told them she's the mother and she knows what days he's going how do they know that she is who she says she is? You really need to speak to them about their lack of confidentiality and the fact that they went ahead and changed things without your knowledge.

    What are the scheduling conflicts that keeps you from going to the lessons Tuesday/Thursday? In all honesty you've gone above and beyond what an aunts responsibility is. I'd cancel the swimming lessons because in reality it's not up to you to send him there. I understand that you spoke with the mother and that she was ok with the days and him taking the lessons but if you're going to have issues with her changing when he goes and you're the one spending the money then just cancel.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    While I understand having a nephew you don't get to spend much time with (my brother's ex wife is very manipulative and tries to keep my nephew away from us as much as possible), I think you need to put yourself in her shoes.

    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Frankly, it sounds like you're overstepping your boundaries; if I were her, that's how I would feel. If that's not the case, then you need to sit down with her and communicate about it so that she doesn't feel like you're trying to play your brother's role in her son's life. If that's what you're doing, then you need to back off. You're not a parent to that child and you need to respect the parent who is responsible for him.

    Frankly, I think the mother is trying to push the nephews family out of his life...likely, due to the fact she is now married.

    As a single mother I truely appreciate the fact that my ex's family is invovled in my DD's life. Yes, this comes with conflict sometimes...but thats when you buck up, be a grown up and talk it out with the family.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?

    And I have ALWAYS been involved in his life. Since day one. I've paid for his day care, doctors visits, taken days off of work for him. I'm not an uninvolved family member attempting to have a relationship with him.

    But why is this your responsibility? He has a mother. IMO you're stepping in and taking on the mother role. Did you all sit down and discuss who would pay for what or did you just take it upon yourself to pay the day care, doctors visits and all that? You're not his mother and while I understand that you want to be involved because right now your brother can't be there's no reason for you to pay for everything.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?
    No, I didn't miss that part.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    I'm just so frustrated. I hate it that I have no rights to him at all and she can do whatever she wants :frown:

    You're right, you as an aunt do not have any rights.
    Her as the child's mother, has all the rights.

    It sucks,I feel for you. I think it's great that you're trying to do all this for him. As frustrating as this all is for you, I think that you have to just keep trying. I also hope that your brother is indeed trying to be a part of this child's life.

    ^^This. Exactly.
  • Amo_Angelus
    Amo_Angelus Posts: 604 Member
    "That woman" happens to be his mother. You are not. In fact, you're lucky you get as much face time with him as you do. Especially when you are referring to her as "That woman" and your only link to the boy is your brother who, by your own admission, isn't close with them. I wouldn't give you as much face time as she is. Not unless you treated me with a lot more respect and understood that he is not your son. What time you do get with him is a gift. If you can't handle that then cancel the lessons.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?

    And I have ALWAYS been involved in his life. Since day one. I've paid for his day care, doctors visits, taken days off of work for him. I'm not an uninvolved family member attempting to have a relationship with him.

    But why is this your responsibility? He has a mother. IMO you're stepping in and taking on the mother role. Did you all sit down and discuss who would pay for what or did you just take it upon yourself to pay the day care, doctors visits and all that? You're not his mother and while I understand that you want to be involved because right now your brother can't be there's no reason for you to pay for everything.

    Usually it goes like this "I really want to put J in this daycare, but it's just too expensive." "I need to take him to the doctor, but my insurance isn't effective yet" "He's sick today but I have no sitter and I really need to work." I don't do ANYTHING without her permission. She always comes to me. Now I've opened this door of my paying for things, and I'm okay with that (yes, my brother pays child support). It's not a big deal to me. I never do anything without her prior permission. And yes, she has NO problem telling me no. She's told me "No, he doesn't have time for that" before. So it's not like I'm pressing things upon her and she can't say no to me. She's very comfortable telling me no about things.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Frankly, it sounds like you're overstepping your boundaries; if I were her, that's how I would feel. If that's not the case, then you need to sit down with her and communicate about it so that she doesn't feel like you're trying to play your brother's role in her son's life. If that's what you're doing, then you need to back off. You're not a parent to that child and you need to respect the parent who is responsible for him.

    ^^This too...
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Did you miss the part where Corn explained she discussed it all with the mom before making any arrangements?

    And I have ALWAYS been involved in his life. Since day one. I've paid for his day care, doctors visits, taken days off of work for him. I'm not an uninvolved family member attempting to have a relationship with him.

    But why is this your responsibility? He has a mother. IMO you're stepping in and taking on the mother role. Did you all sit down and discuss who would pay for what or did you just take it upon yourself to pay the day care, doctors visits and all that? You're not his mother and while I understand that you want to be involved because right now your brother can't be there's no reason for you to pay for everything.

    Usually it goes like this "I really want to put J in this daycare, but it's just too expensive." "I need to take him to the doctor, but my insurance isn't effective yet" "He's sick today but I have no sitter and I really need to work." I don't do ANYTHING without her permission. She always comes to me. Now I've opened this door of my paying for things, and I'm okay with that (yes, my brother pays child support). It's not a big deal to me. I never do anything without her prior permission. And yes, she has NO problem telling me no. She's told me "No, he doesn't have time for that" before. So it's not like I'm pressing things upon her and she can't say no to me. She's very comfortable telling me no about things.

    So basically this issue is the fact that you signed him up for swimming lessons on M/W and she changed them to Tues/Thursday.

    Again, what is the schedule conflict that you have that prevents you from going to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

    Also your brothers child support is supposed to go towards the above things that you mentioned.
  • ewl6850
    ewl6850 Posts: 158 Member
    Without reading any of the comments. She is Mom, her decision is final.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I just want to say that my daughter's father and 99.9% of his family are not involved in my daughter's life by their own choice. His sister, though, has been there from almost the beginning. She has not done nearly the amount of stuff Corn is doing, but the fact that she's been there is something I am incredibly grateful for.

    She has her own kids and husband and they haven't lived close to us for most of my daughter's life, but at least she's a connection to a side of my daughter's family she wouldn't get to know otherwise. That is a wonderful thing.

    Shame on every one of you for criticizing a woman trying to anchor a child to a family he might not otherwise get to know. Nothing she's described is pushy or "over her bounds." She made an offer. The mother accepted and then she acted like a twerp. That is not on Corn, who has a right to be frustrated and you all would be, too.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    While I understand having a nephew you don't get to spend much time with (my brother's ex wife is very manipulative and tries to keep my nephew away from us as much as possible), I think you need to put yourself in her shoes.

    If your barely involved baby daddy's sister was making plans for your son and then being upset when you changed those plans, how would you feel? She's his mother and she gets the ultimate say. She may have very good reasons for changing the times because she knows her son and their schedule better than anyone else. And I can tell you that if my ex's family were trying to make arrangements for my son to do swimming lessons or anything else, I would be pissed because it's not their place to decide what my child needs.

    Frankly, it sounds like you're overstepping your boundaries; if I were her, that's how I would feel. If that's not the case, then you need to sit down with her and communicate about it so that she doesn't feel like you're trying to play your brother's role in her son's life. If that's what you're doing, then you need to back off. You're not a parent to that child and you need to respect the parent who is responsible for him.

    Frankly, I think the mother is trying to push the nephews family out of his life...likely, due to the fact she is now married.

    As a single mother I truely appreciate the fact that my ex's family is invovled in my DD's life. Yes, this comes with conflict sometimes...but thats when you buck up, be a grown up and talk it out with the family.
    I'm sure it's nice to have your ex's family involved. My ex's family doesn't even acknowledge that my son exists. I gave them opportunities to be in his life even after my ex terminated his rights, but they blew us off.

    Regardless, as his mother, I'm the one who is responsible for him and I decide what activities he does and when he does them, so I can understand how even if the mother agreed to the lessons to avoid conflict, she might see the aunt as meddling and be pissed about it.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
    you will never change a mother's mind. SHE is the mother not you. I would zip my lip and let her handle his life. If your brother wants to be this involved than it is his job to try and make that happen. I am sorry they took advantage of you and had you pay for child care etc...but you didn't have to.
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
    She is the mom. She makes her son's schedule and decides what activities he will participate in and when he will participate.

    After reading the back story, I would say that due to your brother's lack of involvement and fathering in his son's life, you and your family are extremely lucky that she allows you to have anything to do with her child.

    I think you were extremely presumptious to sign her child up for anything and decide that you would take him. A much nicer way of doing it would have been to purchase a gift certificate for swimming lessons and allow her to schedule them at her convenience. If it worked out that you could go and observe a few, then that would be a bonus.

    It seems to me that you're making this all about you instead of doing something genuinely nice for your nephew.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    That is not on Corn, who has a right to be frustrated and you all would be, too.
    There are two sides to the coin--we're just trying to help her see things from the mother's point of view and how she might be frustrated, the same way that we would be if were in the mother's position.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
    I just want to say that my daughter's father and 99.9% of his family are not involved in my daughter's life by their own choice. His sister, though, has been there from almost the beginning. She has not done nearly the amount of stuff Corn is doing, but the fact that she's been there is something I am incredibly grateful for.

    She has her own kids and husband and they haven't lived close to us for most of my daughter's life, but at least she's a connection to a side of my daughter's family she wouldn't get to know otherwise. That is a wonderful thing.

    Shame on every one of you for criticizing a woman trying to anchor a child to a family he might not otherwise get to know. Nothing she's described is pushy or "over her bounds." She made an offer. The mother accepted and then she acted like a twerp. That is not on Corn, who has a right to be frustrated and you all would be, too.
    I just don't agree. I am involved with a large family that has lots of custody issues and mixed families, etc. My BF and I know our boundries with his nephew he only sees once in a blue moon. We know how to interact with his ex and his daughters other family when needed, but they know not to be pushy with us and vice versa. If he had a aunt like this trying to schedule events for his daughter or if we tried to do the same for his nephew, $h!t would hit the fan...know your roles and back out!
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