75 lbs down, 50 to 75 more to go (with pics!)

I finally had some pictures taken today and was SHOCKED to see how far I've come. Now I get why people look so surprised when they see me!

In January 2011, my young (26) cousin died of complications from Bulimia. I didn't know her well, was just beginning to get to know her and find out what an awesome person she was, and never would have guessed that someone as beautiful and healthy-looking as her had such a serious problem. I had struggled with eating disorders and dieting and weight gain as long as I can remember, but it never occurred to me that it might be something I shared with her. One difference between her and I was that when I was about 18, after about 12 years of diets and frustration, I quit dieting and weighing and deciding my value and happiness based on what I had eaten or what the scale said... or I tried to. I don't think I have what it takes to really put all that completely behind me. But I had never been more miserable than when I was "less fat" (never was thin). Happiness was growing out of learning to love myself at whatever size I got to be.

But I was gradually getting less healthy as I got older and my weight stayed between 280 and 310. That is what I weighed for most of the last 20 years. I periodically would exercise for a while, drop a few pounds, and then get injured or something and my progress would stall and stop and reverse. I was recovering from an injury when my cousin died and I finally accepted that I was never going to be a normal sized person and I needed to fully accept myself at the size I was... or maybe even larger. The options seemed to be either more OCD eating-disordered living, or injuries in attempts at healthier lifestyle, or acceptance and better mental health with declining physical health.

Then last November my family attended a fundraiser for a woman whose children go to school with my children. She is battling repeated bouts with cancer and her best friend organized an amazing fundraiser to help with her medical expenses. There was a raffle and my husband and I dropped tickets into all the buckets for the different prizes. We won two things: a $25 gift card to a Greek bakery (which we still haven't used) and two 1-month passes to a local gym, including a consultation and workout with a personal trainer. Mid December we took the plunge and walked into the gym, and mid January we met with the trainer.

My trainer asked what my goals were. He was asking specifically about weight loss goals. I wasn't willing to set any goals like that because I was certain I would never meet them, and still working on self acceptance. I told him I had 3 goals: to not get injured, to weigh less at the end of the year than I did at the beginning, and to show up.

Even that overwhelmed me. There were a couple of times on the exercise bike that I was glad I sweating so much that no one could tell I was crying. I wasn’t depressed exactly, just facing up to my fears and my low expectations.

With my trainer, Christian’s help figuring out what to do in the gym wasn't too hard. I was scared to death of a repeat of middle school gym class or something like that... or that I would be asked to do things I simply couldn't do... I expected it to be impossible. But he worked with me where I was and the workouts were hard, but not impossible. I lost 7 pounds pretty quickly, but still wouldn't allow myself to be hopeful.
While it seemed to me that my diet wasn't awful, it was random. I wanted to know how much I was eating and what I was doing right and wrong. That's when I found MFP!! I LOVE MFP!!

I haven't followed a special diet, but logging every day, very carefully, and measuring everything, allowed me to get a true picture of what I was eating and helped me to make healthy modifications.

However, I want to be clear that I lost this weight by being ALMOST PATHOLOGICALLY IMPERFECT!

Part of my self acceptance, and commitment to not being miserable and mentally ill, was that I wasn't willing to decide my happiness or success by the scale or by how little I ate. I wanted to make manageable lifestyle changes and I could see myself living with, happily, for the rest of my life. I'm not a big fan of exercise, so committing to that is already a pretty big lifestyle change, and it sucks up a good bit of my patience. Restrictive dieting was just not something I was/am willing to do.

But I like healthy foods, close to their natural states, and with a few exceptions (donuts and birthday cake) I'm not a fan of processed foods. So I decided I needed to lead with that, quit taking short cuts at drive thrus, and eat according to my values (clean eating)

Now if you were to look over my food diary, you would see I make what might be considered a "bad decision" almost every day. Last week felt like one long bad decision. I bet I could have lost 100 pounds by now if I'd followed "the rules". I've never been good at following rules. All plans are just my plan from which to deviate... a list of what I'm probably NOT going to do.

Somewhere around 40 pounds lost I began to think this time might be a little different than my efforts in the past. Passing 50 pounds brought me my first real glimmers of hope. Passing 70 pounds has left me struggling with who I am as a new person!

I really needed motivation today. I'm just not feeling it. So I decided to finally get new pictures taken and let myself look at the ones I had from before... I never actually looked at them. NOW I have my motivation back! I can see what I've done and I'm so ready to keep going!! I have a long way to go, but I not just hopeful, I can actually see how it could happen! I think I can do this!

So here are my pictures from the twilight zone:


Feb 2012, after losing about 10 pounds (about 294 pounds)


Feb 2012, after losing about 10 pounds (about 294 pounds)


July 2012, after losing about 40 pounds (about 264)


July 2012, after losing about 40 pounds (about 264)


Me, today, October 15, 2012, after losing about 75 pounds and about 40% of my butt!!!


October 15, 2012, 229 pounds


October 15, 2012, 229 pounds