Because I'm so damned censored.

Hy, whatever makes you happy.

I don't really know what I am, I don't really think there's a god or a heaven.. I used to think that surely when we die, we can't just end there, maybe souls do exist and people can still be together someday in some way, but I don't even know if I believe that anymore! So I don't put myself into a box, of atheism or anything else, I'll just say I don't know

Artickb22, i completely understand your position, and how difficult and lonely it can be sometimes, just to be true to yourself.

Organized religion can have a profound impact on our closest relationships, and on the social fabric in general. Having a shared belief system can bind people together, in both positive and negative ways, and especially in families. So it is not easy when you realize that who you are as a person, may also include having a different outlook from the belief system that your loved ones have.

Depending on how devoutly religious a person might have been previously, it can be a genuinely painful and distressing journey to realize you can no longer support those beliefs anymore. For me, i had needed to grieve the loss of my faith (and the loss of the concept of religious faith in general), but i'm happy to say it also became the most freeing experience of my life.

Like you, i realized that i am agnostic -- although i don't disbelieve in the possibility that a deity or deities might exist, neither do i believe that 'He/She/They/It' absolutely does exist. What i DO believe is that truth requires reason, rather than faith. Accepting that 'i do not know if there is a God, and it is okay if i do not know' has brought me a very spiritual sense of peace and acceptance (as strange and ironic as that might seem to non-agnostic people). At the same time, i understand that some people may base their beliefs about truth and the concept of God upon faith (rather than reason), and i respect that as part of their own personal journey.

Also like you, i have family and friends who would experience distress, alarm, and worry if i were to make my viewpoint known to them. Their religion (like a number of religions) would tell them that i risk an eternity in torture because i do not accept that religion's beliefs and version of God. They might think they have somehow 'failed' me and blame themselves, or they may feel angry and rejected because i no longer share the belief system that has shaped how they view their lives.

i don't normally post comments, but i had seen some speculation that this thread might be banned, and so i just wanted to take this opportunity to let you know that you're not alone in what you are going through. There are other people in this world who will understand your need to express how you feel, what you think, and who you are. i wish good luck to you (and your wonderfully supportive husband) in all the journeys your life might bring.