I need to rant and I'm sorry...

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Replies

  • sbernardy
    sbernardy Posts: 188
    bump
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Just break up.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    bump

    WTF. Why would you bump this thread?!
  • Pedal_Pusher
    Pedal_Pusher Posts: 1,166 Member
    " I said " **** YOU. YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE ****ING COUCH" and I slammed the door. He goes into the other room with his friend like it didn't phase him at all and is laughing. " <~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~HATE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN'T PHASE HIM.
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    If you aren't happy, only you have the power to change your situation.

    Maybe try to talk it out with him, emphasize how unhappy you are in a new country and how you feel you don't have his emotional support?

    You'll know in your gut if it's going to work out or not. NEVER ignore your gut feeling, it will carry you through some of your toughest decisions in life.

    (I was in a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years. He was a wonderful person...until the times he wasn't. Which was 2-3x a day. Leaving me crying on the bathroom floor.)
  • peachNpunkin
    peachNpunkin Posts: 1,010 Member
    Something fishy is going on there. Let him off of his leash, and then give him enough rope. He will eventually hang himself.
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
    Ive seen this thread WAY too many times already.......
  • DamnImASexyBitch
    DamnImASexyBitch Posts: 740 Member
    I'm sorry honey. He is disrespectful to you in every way. Sounds like he has something to hide. Is there anyway you can come "home"?
  • rhinesb
    rhinesb Posts: 204 Member
    You are at a difficult transition period and it isnt going to be easy for either of you. You moved to a different country to be with him and left your friends and family behind and are probably a little lonely and looking for him to fill the void. He is adjusting to a new relationship and may have never had a serious love in relationship before and is feeling a lot of pressure and likely inexperienced in the finer points of being a good boyfriend. Its a tough situation and I hope you make it through, because it does get better.
    This is my first thought too.
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
    He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.

    I'm afraid to respond to your post because you seem so quick to defend him. It seems as though you think he is being a big jerk at the moment but you want us to remind you he's wonderful, man of your dreams, etc. May I be honest with you? Frankly, honest people generally don't have anything to hide. He may be feeling smothered because in a foreign country where he is the only thing familiar you might cling to him more than he was prepared for. In that case I would suggest you find your own life. Make friends. Do stuff without him. Let him have some breathing room. But if he continues to be secretive, don't be blind. And don't let any man treat you like garbage, I don't care if you moved to the moon. People only treat you as well as you demand. If he is cheating or even if he isn't but being an @ss seems to be his new normal, then I would get yourself a one-way ticket back home faster than God gets the news.
  • iceqieen
    iceqieen Posts: 862 Member
    Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship

    Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.

    this

    though sure there might be something wrong with him.. but you really do not need to know EVERYTHING about him and his doings.

    a bit late to say it, but give him space. moving and changing living conditions is hard for both of you. you need to try to sit down with him and explain calmly and in private that this bothers you.. but you need to be prepared to give him space too
  • Angie_1991
    Angie_1991 Posts: 447 Member
    1
  • skinnybitchbarbie27
    skinnybitchbarbie27 Posts: 306 Member
    My husband did a lot of this.. Boom... Was cheating on me.

    Just sayin.
  • DamnImASexyBitch
    DamnImASexyBitch Posts: 740 Member
    He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.

    I'm afraid to respond to your post because you seem so quick to defend him. It seems as though you think he is being a big jerk at the moment but you want us to remind you he's wonderful, man of your dreams, etc. May I be honest with you? Frankly, honest people generally don't have anything to hide. He may be feeling smothered because in a foreign country where he is the only thing familiar you might cling to him more than he was prepared for. In that case I would suggest you find your own life. Make friends. Do stuff without him. Let him have some breathing room. But if he continues to be secretive, don't be blind. And don't let any man treat you like garbage, I don't care if you moved to the moon. People only treat you as well as you demand. If he is cheating or even if he isn't but being an @ss seems to be his new normal, then I would get yourself a one-way ticket back home faster than God gets the news.

    Great posting. :drinker:
  • rhinesb
    rhinesb Posts: 204 Member
    This sounds like an awful position. I'm sorry that I can't rescue you, but I'd say let him laugh it up for a while. Try not to let him see you upset. Instead of being upset, go out by yourself, find a friend. Someone to talk to, and know that you are absolutely right. You are not being controlling, he is being a jerk. But when you go out, do the same thing to him, don't tell him where you are going, just go. Let him see how you feel. Then try to talk to him calmly. No yelling. And come to an agreement.

    If you can't come to a compromise, maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend. ?

    I wish you the best. If you want to add me, I'll do my best to be supportive and if nothing else, an ear to hear what you have on your chest. (:
    And this is one of the best solutions.

    Early in my relationship with my husband he disappeared mentally. Always playing games never doing anything with me. For weeks and weeks this went on. So much so that I was crushed. I thought for sure I'd made the biggest mistake ever. To me marriage is forever so now here I was stuck with what I considered a problem (other choice words come to mind). Anyways how I solved it was just like the quote says. I did the exact same thing he was doing to me. I stopped hanging around. Stopped telling him what I was doing and where I was going. Heck it took him another 3 weeks to figure out that he had no clue where I was half the time. Just like I always had no clue about him. Next thing I knew he was bugging me for me to tell him where I was going and what I was doing. He was practically begging for attention. Going from totally and COMPLETELY ignoring me to actually being interested in me. I assume he finally realized what an *kitten* he was being because from there forward he actually told me what when and where and I did the same.
  • ash8184
    ash8184 Posts: 701 Member
    As someone who has lived in a foreign country, I know that is stressful enough. I think it's important to keep in mind that nobody is perfect HOWEVER there is no reason for him to be hiding what he's doing, either.

    Try laying low on talking to him/asking question for a little while, get busy doing your own things (whatever that is), and see if that doesn't help. I have gone through the same thing with my boyfriend and I think he felt a little smothered. Now that I have a ton of my own stuff to do and a very demanding job schedule, he asks to spend more time together. It's not about playing games, it's about finding the right balance.
  • alarae
    alarae Posts: 263 Member
    DD did a great job responding. Great advice. Nice to see there are nice guys still around.
  • melinda200208
    melinda200208 Posts: 525 Member
    I believe if you are in a relationship, you should let the other one know where what you are going to do/where you are going to be. It would blow my mind if my husband was gone and I didn't have any idea where he was. Yeah, sometimes he isn't home right when i get off work. I call him and he tells me what he is doing. I think it is just respectful. I trust him 100% but, i dont want to have to worry if he is gone and why can't he tell you what he is doing? It doesn't make sense. Sorry you are all alone. That sucks. Not sure if you work or anything but you should try to find friends. Maybe co workers or something? It's especially hard when you dont live close to friends or family when you and the significant other are having arguments/fights. Hope it gets better. Has he always been like this?
  • mom2handh1975
    mom2handh1975 Posts: 224 Member
    He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.

    He certainly doesn't sound like a great boyfriend. If he's keeping secrets and you feel like you're being taken advantage of, you should get out of the relationship. But you already know this. Life is full of crappy choices, but you need to be #1 in your life.
  • dlmowrey
    dlmowrey Posts: 22
    Break up with him and go home. There are many types of abuse, and this is definitely abuse.
  • shadoewz
    shadoewz Posts: 46
    I realize a lot of men that exhibit this type of behavior are probably up to no good (cheating, drugs, drinking, etc.) but there are some that just need their alone time. My father, when asked by my mother where he was going, always replied "out". My old man asks me where I'm going every time I stand up......FFS where would I be going in my pajamas at midnight besides another part of our house. If he is like this, whatever you do....do NOT expect him to change. If you cannot live with this type of behavior it's time to get out of there.
  • myogibbs
    myogibbs Posts: 182
    I know you are feeling really desperate and lonely right now. It is hard being in a relationship, much less living together, much less in another country. I had a boyfriend that I dated for 8 yrs (yes that is EIGHT YEARS) about year 3, I started talking about living together or marriage & he pretty much told me not only did he not want to get married but he didn't want to marry ME. I had nobody...so I figured instead of booting him to the curb, which I finally did & should have a LONG time before, that at least he was somebody even if it wasn't the best situation. Not saying this is what happened to you at all. The reason I am telling you this is to tell you how I survived it. I read in a book "smother him with freedom" Now, I am not gonna lie, that is HARD. But, while I was smothering him with freedom, I got out & did things that I wanted to do that he wouldn't do with me. As I did that, I made friends...good friends, who eventually helped me get out of this negative relationship. I have since married the most perfect man in the world, who happens to be my very best friend. Back off a little. Be mysterious. You don't have to play games, but if it helps you to think of it as a game, then whatever works. Don't ask him to do things with you every time. Tell him you are going to the park or whatever & don't even consider inviting him. It will be hard at first, but I promise...one day you will discover how fun you are & what good company you are to yourself & that you don't NEED a man. When that day comes, it is so liberating. Then the relationship becomes much less one-sided & it will improve. If it doesn't improve, you will have the strength to let it go. Best of luck to you. Learn to love yourself...you have a lot to love, you just need to find it within yourself. :)
  • snipalicous
    snipalicous Posts: 69
    You should talk to him. You both need to sit down and talk without getting mad or upset, no yelling, no screaming, just talking. Guys can't read our minds and we cant read theirs. Communication is key in every relationship. Sit down together and talk about what each other expects/wants from the relationship. After all is said and done, either you choose to except the way the realtionship will be or you can move on but at least at that point, he will know what you want out of it and if he can meet your expectations/standards and vise versa for you with him. Hopefully he cares/loves you enough that you both can work on this together.
  • jlapey
    jlapey Posts: 1,850 Member
    I didn't read all of the pages of this thread so perhaps this was explained but: If he "cheated in the past", why are you with him now? WHY would you leave everything to move to another country with a man you obviously don't trust? I just don't get it.

    You guys definitely have some communication issues. If you insist on sticking with this guy, counseling might be a good idea. You both need to learn the rules of fighting within a relationship: No demands, accusations, cursing, insults or storming off before it is finished. Don't say the words "always"or "never".

    Begin with a statement like: When you (insert offending behavior), It makes me feel (insert your feeling). Then ask him how he thinks this could be resolved. This should open a discussion. Follow above rules.

    Try asking him how he would feel in your position.

    Also, others are correct. You need to get out and do stuff on your own as well. This is healthy. No one's life should be dependent upon another. Give him time to miss you.

    edited to say: I'm sorry, The 'cheating' thing was from someone else' post. I misread, but my advice still stands.
  • hillm12345
    hillm12345 Posts: 313 Member
    My (now) husband and I went through a similar situation when we first moved in together. I wanted to spend a ton of time with him and I couldn't understand why he didn't feel the same way. He was accuse me of smothering him and not letting him go out for guys nights..

    After we talked, I found out that.. he was a little nervous about us living together.. and he was afraid I would turn into a really smothering gf so he overreacting to every little inquiry. Also, he didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he was going out for a "guys only" night without me.. so he wouldn't go. As soon as those things were cleared up.. things got better. I started making my own plans and he was completely honest on whether or not I was invited. We both stopped making assumptions and things are awesome :)
  • PayneAS
    PayneAS Posts: 669 Member
    bump

    Why in the world would you do this? This thread is 2 months old!
    Sun 08/19/12 01:38 AM
  • lrtoland
    lrtoland Posts: 41
    He is a great boyfriend..

    A great boyfriend wouldn't laugh with his friend about you being upset. Sounds pretty childish to me.

    And I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask where he is going.


    ^^This^^

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