I need mfp. So. Much.

kaseysospacey
kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
This is a bit of a rant but I need to get it out to move on.

I was on here multiple times per day in july and august. In August, my life became a living hell. My partner's grandmother, who was living with us for complicated reasons that I can't get into, went off of her mental illness meds and began verbally attacking me, my children, and the rest of my family for hours on end. We didn't even know she had any illness or took meds.

I thought July would be the worst month ever, because three of my relatives died, including my nana who I was very close to. I thought August would be a new start.

It wasn't.

Finally, she attacked me while I was holding my 2 1/2 year old son and was arrested for domestic violence. We had to move, quickly, with no money saved.

My computer, my kindle, and my fitbit all broke within days of each other.

I was depressed. At first I had no internet at this place, then no computer. I was depressed because the woman had spent August telling me how fat and worthless and lazy I was and how her grandson deserved better and how I have come into his life to ruin it. Forgetting to mention that I've been in his life since we starting dating when we were 14, and he's had plenty of time before our kids were born to leave.

I felt like **** about myself. I literally felt like I just wanted to die, and that I didn't deserve to eat well. What made it worse was being so completely broke when we first moved in, since we had to get the absolute cheapest food possible and give the good stuff (whatever veg and fruit we could get) to the kids because they will always be first priority.

I can't let this ruin my life.

I turn 23 next month.
I have three beautiful babies. One of which started preschool this morning and made me so proud.
I have a partner who I could not possibly be more in love with. And who loves me unconditionally, something that I never doubt, although I often wonder why.

I have dreams.
I have ideas.
I want to do things.
And being this heavy is holding me back.

So this is me, letting everything go.
I'm not perfect.
My house is not a perfectly clean 1950s model home.
Sometimes I play video games if the kids go to sleep early for once, instead of scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees.
I don't always wear makeup when I leave the house.
Sometimes, when my kids have been acting really crazy (teething baby anyone?) I can't remember when I last ate...or bather.

I am intelligent. Or I hope so, lest my BS be complete BS :P
I am funny.
I am worthwhile.
And I deserve to take care of myself.

I know that I'm holding myself back, because being raised as I was ingrained the idea that I was worthless into my brain and its not something that just goes away.

But I'm not going to hold myself back anymore.

I'm here.

Hi.
My name is Krystalyn, but no one calls me that.
My friends call me Kasey.
I weigh somewhere between 310-320 lbs. My scale is still packed, so I need to find it to be sure.
You can call me Kasey too.
Let's do this.

Replies

  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
    That's a lot to take in, and I was just reading it. They'd probably have found granny at the bottom of a lake somewhere with a rock tied to her feet if I'd have lived it.

    That said, good on you for telling the negatives to get ****ed and looking forward. With your apparent determination in all things life, weight loss should be a snap for you. :)
  • beatpig
    beatpig Posts: 97 Member
    Welcome Kasey, the first step is the hardest and the fact you've made a conscious effort to change is something you should be proud of.

    It's going to be tough, and you need to make sure you're in a position to cope with the pressures of losing weight (which we all put on ourselves) and all the other cr@p that goes off elsewhere. We're all here to help!

    Knock 'em dead!
  • karmahunger
    karmahunger Posts: 373 Member
    Hey Kasey! Happy to have you here :)
  • kaseysospacey
    kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
    I think that the hardest thing for me is finding good information about diet. I have a hard time losing weight because of my thyroid condition, and I can't always get my medicine (I don't have it right now in fact) and I also am breastfeeding an almost-10 month old and I get a lot of conflicting info about what they means for your dietary needs. But at this point I figure that she's eating solids now as well and I have enough weight to lose that my body has plenty of backup for that, and that eating well is better than eating crap.
  • karmahunger
    karmahunger Posts: 373 Member
    The first thing to remember is: You ARE beautiful, right here, right now.

    This site is great for getting nutritional information, since the food database has almost every food imaginable! Feel free to friend me too :) We can do this! I have about 60 pounds to lose, but I am taking it 20ish pounds at a time (that's why my weight loss ticker says that)
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
    I think that the hardest thing for me is finding good information about diet. I have a hard time losing weight because of my thyroid condition, and I can't always get my medicine (I don't have it right now in fact) and I also am breastfeeding an almost-10 month old and I get a lot of conflicting info about what they means for your dietary needs. But at this point I figure that she's eating solids now as well and I have enough weight to lose that my body has plenty of backup for that, and that eating well is better than eating crap.

    All we can really do is give you some general guidelines, the tinkering is up to you.

    I tend to run very protein heavy (up to 60% of my daily caloric intake is protein), most of it coming from lean meats and Carnivor protein shakes. I use Animal Pak supplements to cover a lot of the stuff I don't get from veggies, because, well...plants are what food eats. :) However, the shakes and supps can be a bit expensive for some people (about $200 per month or so for me and my girlfriend).

    I also eat for function, not flavor, so a lot of people dislike my diet due to it being "boring". Good flavor doesn't get the bar off of the floor when I am deadlifting though.

    Biggest thing for you though, at your current weight will simply be getting your calories in check, and finding a good multivitamin.
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
    Wow. Welcome to the site. I have 3 little ones myself, with a 4th on the way. I don't know too many moms whose house is perfectly spotless. I'd rather play with my kids and make sure they are happy than clean the house, honestly. My house is nowhere near inhabitable, though. But it's lived in. Definitely let that one go. Be mommy first.

    Second, congratulations on being with someone for 9 years! That's an accomplishment in this day it seems.

    Mental illness is difficult to be around, even if you know the person has it. I'm sorry you and your children had to go through that.

    Hi Kasey. I'm also a Kasey (given name) although you wouldn't know that from any of the sites I log into. Nice to meet you. I hope you feel better, now, getting that off your chest. If you need a friend, hit me up. I can at least try to be encouraging. Again, welcome!
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    Hi Kasey :smile:

    You've taken the first step in helping yourself get healthier, good for you!
    It won't be easy but you'll get lots of support and advice on here so have a good look round the threads and do some reading.
    Just take baby steps, it's not a race and slow but sure is the best way to go.

    Good luck!
  • kaseysospacey
    kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
    I may not have been doing awesome diet wise lately, but I did manage to kick my diet coke habit and have replaced with seltzer and a splash of juice (I love water but am saving for a filter for the tap...tap water is so nasty here that you can smell it!)
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
    I may not have been doing awesome diet wise lately, but I did manage to kick my diet coke habit and have replaced with seltzer and a splash of juice (I love water but am saving for a filter for the tap...tap water is so nasty here that you can smell it!)

    I know that feeling. We just recently got a Brita filter, as the tap water in our apartment is atrocious. Typical city water garbage. The difference it made in the taste and smell of my Carnivor shakes is amazing. Before they were barely tolerable. Nothing says "delicious" quite like chemical infused chocolate with teeny bits of aging pipe in it.
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    I may not have been doing awesome diet wise lately, but I did manage to kick my diet coke habit and have replaced with seltzer and a splash of juice (I love water but am saving for a filter for the tap...tap water is so nasty here that you can smell it!)

    That's great! It's a really good start!
    Just try and change something once a week like eating more veggies/fruit etc then the following week give up another 'vice' food like sweets...you can do this!

    It's good to love water...you'll be drinking a lot of it :laugh:
  • kaseysospacey
    kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
    If I stay away from crap like refined carbs I don't have a problem, but if I have a little I find it impossible to stop, so I might just try to avoid entirely except for the rare occasion, like my bday cake or something.
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    If I stay away from crap like refined carbs I don't have a problem, but if I have a little I find it impossible to stop, so I might just try to avoid entirely except for the rare occasion, like my bday cake or something.

    If you honestly can't stop at one piece of whatever then you are probably wise to do that.

    I can't have Hershey kisses in the house..I just can't stop at a few :embarassed:
  • andrea198721
    andrea198721 Posts: 173 Member
    I found that when I started counting portions and bagging them up before even putting them in the fridge stretched my food. Like if I buy wheat thins I count out 16 like the serving size says and put them in a small baggy..... Also sometimes instead of string cheese I will buy the really big chunk, and I will go ahead and cut it up as well. Also learning to cook different things from scratch. Chicken breast, tuna, and turkey sandwiches have become a favorite for me. There is a good bit you can do with cottage cheese as well. Just play around with what works for you and your family and you can tweak it for yourself to make it healthy. i know in my house we do a lot of hamburger helper and such. So we switched to ground turkey (most of the time) and we just do a hamburger casserole from scratch. More filling and less chemical taste. Good luck on your journey and if you need a friend, feel free to add me :)
  • tubbyelmo
    tubbyelmo Posts: 415 Member
    Hiya Kasey,

    Wow, you have coped with more in the last few months than most people could handle over years, and you've come through it with a determination to be proud of.

    Feel free to add me as a friend, I've been on here 50 days today, and I find the support and encouragement from others is really helping me stay on track.

    There are loads of great value recipe ideas in the forums if you search, and you'll find everyone has a favourite "go to" cheap but healthy dish - mine is omelette!

    Lesley x
  • kaseysospacey
    kaseysospacey Posts: 499 Member
    My partner eats so terribly, he hates veggies and it has made eating well SO hard in the past because if I had it my way I wouldn't have any junk in the house and then I wouldn't miss it. My kids are all little (almost 5, 2 1/2 and 10 mos) and the older two are at that stage where they hate veggies. So I'm fighting against the tide! Of course, my SO eats junk and is not overweight at all (the butt!).

    I'm so disorganized and busy, what with the kids being here all the time and needing so much attention, that I often don't even eat until dinner time and I think that is one of my biggest problems. I eat too much at ngiht because I didn't eat all day.

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