Mean and Spiteful People

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sunnygirl19
sunnygirl19 Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
Ok, I am baring my soul to you guys, please don’t judge me. I’m pretty easy going and can usually get along with most people, I know I’m not perfect and I do make mistakes. What I’m not prepared for (and no matter how many times I have to talk this certain volatile person) is another set back. I can be an emotional eater and this person just pushes my buttons no matter what happens. I need advise. I married young (was so in love) and we had 2 children. Things were alright, I knew my husbands family was a bunch of “loose nuts” (as he put it). We didn’t have a lot to do with them and if we asked for help they usually made excuses. My husband and I, our relationship took a turn down a dark path and he was emotionally abusive and towards the end it was physical. I left with the kids (I needed to protect them and myself at this point) and the next day I got the call saying he was gone, deceased. Needless to say I planned the funeral, took care of the mortgage and many other bills….no one from his family offered to help. While I struggled to understand this and make sense of it…they all judged. I live in a small town and people have nothing better to do than talk. I had a male friend who understood what I was going through and when someone mentions suicide no one wants to talk about it but he did. It really helped me. Well, they had a problem with that and let me know. When I started dating again, that was worse. I did meet a man that I could not live without. He is perfect. Loves me, the kids and is my #1 fan. I am blessed.

While my life is going the way I finally want it to, I find that I am so emotional when it comes to the old MIL. I usually end up in tears on the phone before Christmas. I always let the 2 kids go over for Christmas eve, even though they didn’t see them all year (keep in mind we live 10 minutes away). This year with the passing of grandparents on either side of the family we are doing a family dinner on Christmas eve and I want to spend it with my children. I have proposed that she take them any time over the Christmas break and she flips out and bullies me. That sends me right for the sweats and junk food. How can I stand me ground when I am being reasonable? I am not prepared for the insults.

She just told me last month that she no longer holds me responsible for her sons death as a psychic told her it was his own choice. That hurt, I know his sister still blames me and has outright told me. I don’t know what they would tell the kids when they want to talk about it.

I still feel the guilt day to day. Any advice on how to talk to her? I have been a doormat because I feel awful about her losing a son, I should have saved him instead of myself.
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Replies

  • TexanThom
    TexanThom Posts: 778
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    I think that it is time for a B*#^H slap!!!
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    You have no legal or moral obligation for your kids to be involved in your ex-MIL's life at all. In fact, due to the way she treats you, I'd say it's probably better for THEM if they have no contact with her.

    You love the person you're dating now. Why waste your time with a person who treats you badly? Sounds like abuse ran in your ex's family. Being in touch with his mother is probably the worst thing for you.
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
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    How old are the kids?
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
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    I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds like his family ARE a bunch of "loose nuts" and they're taking their anger out on you. I can't imagine how you feel as I've never been in your shoes, but I will say that sometimes even family can be toxic. Blood ties aren't enough to prevent them from hurting you or your children and causing long-term emotional damage. If your ex's family can't be reasonable, cut them out until they can. Sometimes, you have to be a cold-hearted b!tch to get people to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If they can't do that, then it's probably best they not be around you or your children.

    This may sound extreme, but I had to cut my father and aunt completely out of my son's life (he's not even born yet). They are just toxic, spiteful, hurtful people, and I want them nowhere near my son. I do not want him dealing with the pain they caused me, because my mom wasn't brave enough to put her foot down.
  • Seriousmom3
    Seriousmom3 Posts: 164
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    Tell her if she wants to see the kids she can see them at the time YOU want or not at ALL. Simple as that. She doesn't HAVE to get them on Christmas. You are letting her because you are being kind. You hold the power here, not her. Keep that in mind. Once she realizes you are willing to use that power, she will come around, or she won't, either way, problem solved.
  • Suzyqall72
    Suzyqall72 Posts: 105
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    My heart goes out to you. You have had a really rough road. I know how damaging emotional abuse can be, I can only imagine how horrible it is to be abused physically as well. Your ex husband's suicide is not your fault. Obviously he was not good at coping with the stresses of life (hence blaming you for everything), and he chose to take his life. Maybe you should have your new man drop the kids off at the in-laws for their yearly visit, and you should keep contact with them to a minimum. If they start blaming you, then say you have to go, get off the phone, whatever, and do it.

    You aren't a doormat, maybe a people pleaser (me, too), but it's time to stand up for yourself. Good luck, congrats on the great guy, and I hope everything turns out great. Get some counseling if you have to, or a suicide support group.
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
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    Wow.

    Sounds like a toxic family - you'll need to learn how to stand up to them. Regarding Christmas, they are YOUR children. Simply tell her Christmas Eve is out and would another day work for her. When she starts giving you *kitten*, hang up the phone. Lather, rinse, repeat until she gets the picture.

    You can't change her (or the family) but you change how you let them treat you. Good luck!
  • SideSteel
    SideSteel Posts: 11,068 Member
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    She just told me last month that she no longer holds me responsible for her sons death as a psychic told her it was his own choice.

    I know this doesn't make your pain go away, but if the above is indeed true, then I think you may have reached a reasonable point to conclude that she's nuts. Like, literally nuts.
  • Suzyqall72
    Suzyqall72 Posts: 105
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    I think that it is time for a B*#^H slap!!!

    That's another way to go!
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    I'm sorry for what you have gone through.
    Please consider that your response to the guilt, and the stress of all of this might need significant support that can sometime be provided by a counselor or therapist. Guilty or emotional eating due to the MiL means you need to change inside. Or move to another state.

    Good luck!
  • nturner612
    nturner612 Posts: 710 Member
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    this is horrible. YOU are NOT to blame! I have been physiaclly and mentally abused for years by my husband. Suicide threats were always there. DO NOT blame yourself. you saved your kids from being traumatized by all they would have seen had you stayed. He was a coward for not knowing how to handle things.
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
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    sounds like it one of those surrounded by *kitten* holes situations. Might be time to cut the people that bring you down out of your life completely.
  • totallydevious
    totallydevious Posts: 309 Member
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    I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds like his family ARE a bunch of "loose nuts" and they're taking their anger out on you. I can't imagine how you feel as I've never been in your shoes, but I will say that sometimes even family can be toxic. Blood ties aren't enough to prevent them from hurting you or your children and causing long-term emotional damage. If your ex's family can't be reasonable, cut them out until they can. Sometimes, you have to be a cold-hearted b!tch to get people to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If they can't do that, then it's probably best they not be around you or your children.

    This. :smile:
  • fiberartist219
    fiberartist219 Posts: 1,865 Member
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    Honestly, it sounds like everyone in the whole family could probably benefit from therapy. That is a huge tragedy and everyone probably needs help dealing with the grief.

    Until his family wants to treat you with respect, they should not be visiting with the children. This was a suicide, not a homicide, and it is not your fault in any way. I don't think it is right for them to spend time with the kids on holidays if it is going to distress you further and if they have the opportunity to tell the kids that daddy is gone because of something mommy did. That's just wrong.

    Unless you have a legal obligation to let them visit, don't bother.

    I am lucky that both my parents are still alive, but when they divorced there was a lot of trash talking that I could have done without. I tell all my friends and my husband that the holidays don't matter to me any more. It's the every days that matter. If the family doesn't want to show interest in the kids year round, they don't need them at the holidays.
  • littlewitch1973
    littlewitch1973 Posts: 139
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    I can completely relate - my ex husband was the same way, except for the fact he didnt get the chance to kill himself - I had him committed first (yes, mental hospital). I did leave him, kept the kids, and suffered years of verbal abuse from his family.

    One thing I will tell you - Suicide is a very selfish act - he was not thinking of you or anyone else at the time. He ended his life on his own. It is not - I repeast NOT - your fault.

    While you have bent over backwards in the past for your MIL and family, it is time for you to stand up to them. Tell them they are YOUR children, and due to circumstances in your family recently, they will be with you on Christmas Eve. They can either deal with it, or get upset. They have no say in your children's lives, and I think once you stand up to them, they will back off. You are the only one who can do that though.

    I would also reccommend seeing a counsellor. You have been thru a very difficult time, and grief counselling can help you to realize that you are not at fault. I'm sure your MIL and SIL do not know he was abusive verbally or physically, and telling them this now would only make you sound spiteful and mean. They want to believe what they want, and they will. Let them continue with their memories, and you have yours. You do need help to get over the guilt though - you stated it has been a while, but you still seem to feel responsible - which you are not.

    Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty about his choice. You didnt make that choice for him - he made it, alone, without you. It is not something you could have changed. He may have had the beginnings of a mental illness that was undiagnosed (my ex-husband was dx'd late in life, and his symptoms started similar to that). See a counsellor and get some help with your own adjustment and guilt.

    Good luck to you.
  • drakechic08
    drakechic08 Posts: 156 Member
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    You need to stand up for yourself and tell her that 1) they are your children and you did what was best to protect them and you have the right to be with them when you want; 2) that if she cannot respect you and your choices and she is not happy with when you are allowing her to see them then that is the end of the discussion and she won't see them at all. I know it seems harsh, but you have to stand up for yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He made the choice to be abusive and you were strong and couragous and did what was best for you and your kids. If they cannot understand that, that is their problem and one day they will be overwhelmed with guilt because they held everything against you and your children when it was their family member at fault. I have had family disown me and my siblings because choices made by other people, even though we were just children, so I know how it feels. But all that is doing is showing their true character. Be strong! I know you can do it! And when you get the urge to eat bad food because of this stress, find a healthier outlet. Go for a walk, play a game with your kids. Pretty soon that will be habit instead of emotional eating.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    Also, sounds like your ex-husband's suicide had more to do with a lifetime of abuse and batsh!t crazy family than his marriage to you.

    But I imagine the psychic didn't point that out to her.
  • Sapporo
    Sapporo Posts: 693 Member
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    Don't talk to her. Cut her out and blackhole her for life. You don't need toxic people in your life or your kids life, DNA means squat overall.
    If you do decide to stay civil for the childrens sake, be the bigger ***** and make sure she knows it.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    This is terrible. I'm sorry for the pain this must have and still is causing you. Like others have said, you have no legal obligation to her seeing your children IF she continues to act that way. Don't allow her to warp their minds and have them thinking the way she and the rest of the family does. You left him for your and your childrens' safety, so do the same with her/ them. Leave them alone. No contact whatsoever and maybe after some time she/they will come around and see that you are serious. Big hugs and chin up!
  • ndblades
    ndblades Posts: 233 Member
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    My heart goes out to you, and your children. You made the (right) choice by leaving your former husband to protect your children from the abuse that he obviously learned from his own mother. While it might seem like the "right thing to do" allowing your children to see her once a year on Christmas, if this is the treatment you get, then all ties should be cut from her. The age of your children and their willingness to go there is also something in question, but your job is to protect them from the abuse that you suffered, and that your ex must have suffered.

    My brothers wife went through a similar ordeal, She divorced her son's drunken abusive father when my nephew was 6. When my nephew was 10, the ex-husband committed suicide and she was not welcome to bring her son to the funeral home and was called every name in the book. She ended up cutting all ties from the family, even allowing them to have any monetary benefits that belonged to her son. Today my nephew is 22 and thriving, and was adopted by my brother when he was 11. You deserve a happy ending for you and your children.

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