Mean and Spiteful People

Oh wow.....I am overwhelmed with everyone's response. I don’t think I have ever found a group like this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will take everything into perspective when I make the phone call and tell her that these are the rules. I need to put my children first no matter what happens and if that means getting her upset, oh well. I always like to please people and I hate contfrontation so I always give in. Not this time. Thank you everyone

Good job, and good luck. It's good to see a mom standing up for her children. Just keep that in mind when MIL throws a fit.

I'm so sorry for your loss....But...first thing he had NO right to be physical....but all said and done...He is the one that is going to answer to the one above (God)....let me tell you...YOU are an ANGEL...you have stuck in through thick and thin...for you and your kids...STOP feeling guilty...he chose his path.....you have to live for the kids and remember to be strong for them....STOP worrying about his family. You have a right to be happy! When people ask or shun you remember...you are God's Angel and you know where your heart is...No matter what the In-Laws says to the young children...there is going to be one day they will find out the truth...Of how much you went through and how much they are LOVED....God Bless you..and....Be strong....:)

Wow.

Sounds like a toxic family - you'll need to learn how to stand up to them. Regarding Christmas, they are YOUR children. Simply tell her Christmas Eve is out and would another day work for her. When she starts giving you *kitten*, hang up the phone. Lather, rinse, repeat until she gets the picture.

You can't change her (or the family) but you change how you let them treat you. Good luck!

^^ This absolutely.

I am so sorry for this tragedy in your life. I agree with this ^^^ comment and I would add make sure you have counseling or a support group (some churches offer this for free, some employers have EAP). Life is so full of tragedy to work through, we all need help at times. Wishing you the best.

You have no legal or moral obligation for your kids to be involved in your ex-MIL's life at all.

this is not factual.

Grandparents have rights. If she sues you for visitation, she will get more than just a single Christmas visit.

I wish you the best, OP. I hope things improve.

It is hard to get over the guilt trip, but you have to let it go. You know the truth, and the truth is you are not to blame for his choice. He wanted to hurt you or maybe he realized that he had hurt you enough and just didn't want to do it again.

As for his family, you know they have issues. You are not obligated to allow your child to see them. If your children are old enough to make the choice and want to see them, then let them visit. If they are too young to make the choice, then you as the responsible adult must make the choice for them. If your former MIL is abusive to you, just think about what she must be letting slip in front of your children.

Hopefully, your children have been able to talking to a neutral person. They need to make peace. You have been given a second chance. Do not allow anyone to try to make you feel guilty. You just simply need to hang up the phone or just don't answer it. The simplest thing to say is, "I will pray for you" and hang up. It is their loss if they don't get to spend time with your children.

Stop and say that person has no control over you. Believe it and move away from the kitchen. You can do it.

Lucky, grandparent rights vary from state to state. Here in Washington, grandparents have zero rights. None. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

The Holidays are meant to be a joyful time spent with the ones you love. There should be no baggage brought to the dinner table about fault and blame. These are things that should be set aside. blah blah blah...

That's a bunch of sugar coated utopian BS. I know how I am about drama: If you're the source of it, then you're not going to be in my life very long. Life has enough drama without people manufacturing more. Ask yourself this: who taught their son to be abusive in the first place? Limit your kids exposure to those toxic people.

And establish your dominance over their "authority." The fact that you let them anywhere near your kids is a courtesy allowed by your grace and kindness. You don't owe them anything. Until they learn to respect you, there's no need to allow them any courtesies.

I'm sorry to hear of your distress. You have had to endure so much. I believe you did the best thing for you and your children. If I were you, I would put all of the guilt away for good. You are a good Mom and I'm sure you were a good wife too. Your husband's death is only attributable to him. My guess is that he was simply miserable in his own skin. I mean, maybe he didn't like what he had become and in his own way, he probably understood why you left him. I find that when ever I am upset to the extent that I'm crabby or unpleasant in any regard... I retreat, because I don't like the feeling and I don't wish to put that on the people that I love and care about. If that makes sense. Luckily, I am good about coming around quickly because I realize that I have the power to change how I feel! I make the conscious choice to get over "my mad" and be happy. I am an advocate of counting my blessings daily, often multiple times and everything falls back into place. Count your blessings and continue to make happy/ beneficial choices for you and your children. You are a people pleaser and that is fine and good but one day you may find that the ability to say "no" will be the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself and family. Just say no and free yourself of some guilt :flowerforyou:

Don't feel obligated to please people that are not content with their own lives. I am lucky in that my children love to be at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to wait for Santa then play with toys and enjoy a quiet time at home. We have our own family traditions now. We bake, read Christmas stories, make crafts, wrap and watch Christmas classics etc. I wouldn't change that for anything in the world :-) Our families live at a distance now but in the past, I simply told everyone about how my kids felt and we planned our holiday around the children. I also grew up this way so it made sense to me when my kids said they didn't want to leave our house on those days. They are only young once, enjoy them! If these people love your kids, they will consider the children's feelings first.

Lastly, I agree with the sentiment of most of the other folks on this thread. A.) Counseling can be a wonderful, powerful positive experience. If you have access, take full advantage of it. If not, just talk to someone you can trust that has your best interest at heart. B.) Don't put your kids in a position where they would have questionable logic and ethics to guide them. That family doesn't sound like there are any good influences or mentors. You are their Mom, I bet you know in your heart what needs to be done. Just go with you motherly instincts and I think you will be just fine. If you continue to have problems, maybe it would be a good idea to relocate for the good of your family and self.

Good luck, I wish you the best. You and your children deserve it :-)

Family law is different in most states, but most states also follow a "best interests of the child" so it's very, very difficult for non-parent (including other blood relatives) to take away parental rights. So don't worry about that. If she tries to bully you, remind her that you're the mom here and hang up if she starts in on it.

The best interests of your children are a happy, healthy mom. And if your ex's family don't contribute to a happy, healthy mindset for you (and your kids), then cut them out until they can. Remind yourself that you are acting in your kids' best interests. I don't know how old they are, but if they ask about seeing grandma on Christmas, give them an age-appropriate explanation like "There's been a change of plans".

Remember, the best way to take care of your kids is to take care of yourself. If you can't stick up for yourself because of the guilt, stick up for yourself for your kids. Their grandmother is clearly toxic.

look ... I may not come off as nice and helpful right now ... BUT

Knock it off! You didn't kill anyone. You cannot be blamed for someone taking thier own life.
Did you leaving send to suicide? Maybe ... but seriously not your f#cking problem.

Your kids, your family and your mental are more important. If the MIL is not making time for the children during the year ...
well, it's her loss. Move on, change your number. Stop talknig to her. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I know that sounds harsh and mean, but in my opinion suicide is for chicken sh!ts that dont have the balls to face thier own decisions or mistakes. I mourn losing them from my life ... but I never, ever try to blame someone else for their decision to check out.

Keep your kids close. This woman and her family sound toxic to me.