Mike’s Daily Rant 10/25/2012 Topic: Locker Room Land

Good day everyone! Today’s rant was inspired by something that has been happening for months yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Weird! I never use that phrase because I have no clue what it means.

Around 5:30pm I walk into the gym. 5:30 is the busiest time of the day in this gym as it appears that it’s social hour and a meet market. The women come out in full make up and their cutest workout gear but quite frankly, I hardly see them workout. They stand around the machines and watch the big macho men workout and they serve as a distraction. Some of the men do the same thing but it’s a small percentage from what I see. A lot of the guys do things that draw attention to them and serve as a plight to impress the ladies that are scoping the scene. Others truly want to work out and get home after a long day of work.
Now that’s a little background about the population of people that come around the 5:30 hour. I arrived at 5:30 but finished my workout around 7:45p.m last night. There is always a line for certain machines so you just get in where you fit in on days like this. I did strength training for an hour and a half then Indoor Spin/Cycle class for an hour. When I am finished spinning my body is weary and ready to leave. Normally, I walk into the locker room and grab my things (Pre-Organized before workout) and just leave. Yesterday was a little different.

I walk into the locker room and take a sip of water. I start walking towards my locker and hear a heated debate about my beloved Gators. For those that don’t know me, I am a Die-Hard Florida Gator fan. I don’t normally engage in these types of conversations especially with gym members that look like they could wrestle in the WWE. It’s a tad intimidating. However, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. These huge Mandingos were arguing passionately naked in front of my locker. I am hearing their conversation and feel a little weird interrupting especially because they are so riled up (and naked). I try to walk around the other direction because I know if I walk between I will be summoned to talk about it. Why? I am wearing a Florida Gator T-shirt. I politely try to tip toe behind them and then the conversation stops and then one noticed that I’m wearing a Florida Gator T-shirt! Oh well I’m caught.

So now they try to involve me. I say, “Well I really don’t have time to discuss football because I have to go cook dinner because I’m so hungry. but Go Gators!” I really do want to talk about it because some of the accusations are just not factual. Either way I won’t discuss it today.

The issue at hand is that these guys have been debating the exact same topic for an hour. The reason that I know is because I came to grab another Gatorade out of my locker between strength and Spic class. Ok! So I stated that incorrectly. The issue is not that they have been debating the exact topic for an hour. The issue is that they have been debating the exact same topic for an hour NAKED!

I understand that people are comfortable with their body. That is fine. I enjoy dancing in the mirror naked sometimes as well. However, I dance in the mirror naked AT MY HOUSE! It’s clear that these guys are comfortable with their bodies. They have worked hard and should be. I must admit that I would be uncomfortable that others are getting comfortable with my body in Locker Room Land as well. I realized this was a major problem for me a few weeks ago. A guy that I never met in my life was coming from the pool as I was arriving in Locker Room Land. He speaks to me while he is dripping wet. He starts chatting with me and in the middle of the conversation he drops trou! That part wasn’t that bad but he then took his towel and play air guitar with his penis. That wasn’t his intention but that’s what happened. I understand he was just drying off but my understanding is that we live by man law in Locker room Land. A few that I practice are as follow: I turn around and never face a person when dropping trou. I get undressed and dressed as quickly as possible. Never walk around locker room naked, wrap up in a towel. Never make eye contact with somebody if they are getting dressed or undressed. Fist bump, no hand shaking. When using the urinal, leave an empty urinal between you and the next guy.

I don’t know but I now feel as if I am the only one living by the man laws in Locker Room Land, are my thoughts just deviant or am I making too big of a deal? Either way, I am not attempting to tell anyone the man laws. A man should already know them. That’s a man law, knowing without being told. Just know that you won’t see me debating with two Mandingos about my beloved Gators naked in Locker Room Land.

MikeMontana1914