Zombie Apocolypse & Walmart

GorillaEsq
GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was frequenting my friendly neighborhood Walmart yesterday, pursuant our urgent need for milk and diapers... (because apparently, I was appointed “Walmart-Diaper-B!tchboy” while I was sleeping, and didn't know it until it was too late).

As I'm navigating the sea of pit-stained nightgowns, cankles and Tapout t-shirts, I was hit with an epiphany... If there's ever an actual zombie apocalypse, these people are straight-up f**ked. They're basically moderately-mobile Zombie Happy Meals, with really, really bad teeth and poor credit.

There's an old adage, “I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you.” Using this logic, you could hold-off the zombies for weeks by simply pulling the battery cables on a half-dozen Walmart Hoveround shopping-carts.

These are the same individuals that will hold-up parking lot traffic for 10 minutes, so they can have a space 11 steps closer to the front door.

In short, they're Zombie Chum.

All joking aside, there is a serious motivational theme to this post... What happens to these people when there REALLY IS a global catastrophe. Take the “zombie apocalypse” part out of the equation, and boil it down to a massive natural disaster or viral outbreak.

If opening your 3rd box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes causes you to perspire and evokes a need for a nap... you're worm food when society breaks-down.

Therein, your motivation...
Don't be zombie bait for people who are in better shape, than you. Get your *kitten* to the gym.

Happy Halloween.
Keep being awesome.
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Replies

  • KatKisses
    KatKisses Posts: 296 Member
    LOVE IT :heart:
  • Chewster001
    Chewster001 Posts: 201 Member
    Everyone knows that the nice guy who helps the little old lady run from the zombies lives til the end of the zombie movie, outliving the jerks and the sluts. So in the end, there will be nice guy, old people who need help, and some virginal hot chick.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
    Everyone knows that the nice guy who helps the little old lady run from the zombies lives til the end of the zombie movie, outliving the jerks and the sluts. So in the end, there will be nice guy, old people who need help, and some virginal hot chick.
    And me, as king. And she was virginal, before I was king. Just sayin. ;)
  • belladonna786
    belladonna786 Posts: 1,165 Member
    Ha! Awesome
  • Double_Tapp
    Double_Tapp Posts: 101
    Finally someone who shares a similar opinion. Bravo! :drinker:
  • SeaChele77
    SeaChele77 Posts: 1,103 Member
    <<<
    Not zombie bait!!!
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
    This guy is ready...

    200812001full.jpg
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    A piece of advice. Amazon is the best place for diapers. Free shipping at your door in 2 days, you can even subscribe and have them delivered to you how often you want ( once a month, once every other month, whatever). Its a life saver.
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
    This guy is ready...

    200812001full.jpg
    If that picture were anymore awesome, it would have me in it.
  • John2347
    John2347 Posts: 336 Member
    LIKE!
  • GamerGurl729
    GamerGurl729 Posts: 286 Member

    As I'm navigating the sea of pit-stained nightgowns, cankles and Tapout t-shirts ...

    This sentence is why my monitor is now wet. Thanks for the laugh.

    P.S. It was only so funny because it's so damn true. :drinker:
  • GorillaEsq
    GorillaEsq Posts: 2,198 Member
    A piece of advice. Amazon is the best place for diapers. Free shipping at your door in 2 days, you can even subscribe and have them delivered to you how often you want ( once a month, once every other month, whatever). Its a life saver.
    Good to know. I'll will inform the Assistant-Walmart-Diaper-B!tchboy once they're hired.
  • angryguy77
    angryguy77 Posts: 836 Member
    There's an old adage, “I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you.” Using this logic, you could hold-off the zombies for weeks by simply pulling the battery cables on a half-dozen Walmart Hoveround shopping-carts.

    that's pure gold.
  • laurelderry
    laurelderry Posts: 384 Member
    Absolutely Love this!
  • Init_to_winit
    Init_to_winit Posts: 258 Member
    Zombie's are basically my biggest fear so I'll use this as some extra motivation. Thanks!
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
    Great post! :flowerforyou:


    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    This guy is ready...

    200812001full.jpg

    I love you! :laugh:
  • jenbit
    jenbit Posts: 4,252 Member
    We've already taken a vote in my house and were hanging my sister from a tree like a pinata for the zombies while the rest of us run away. She's so loud and *****y she'll attract every zombie for miles. We just have to make sure she is high enough up to not get eaten to quickly
  • iWaffle
    iWaffle Posts: 2,208 Member
    The zombie bait at Walmart always crack me up. "The aisle is wide enough for 3 shopping carts yet your waddle manages to block the entire thing." I love that ours has a McDonalds at the entrance to the food section. Don't want anyone to get low on calories while throttling the electric cart. Better stop in for fries.
  • MellyGibson
    MellyGibson Posts: 297 Member

    Therein, your motivation...
    Don't be zombie bait for people who are in better shape, than you. Get your *kitten* to the gym.

    Happy Halloween.
    Keep being awesome.

    Look - I went to the gym yesterday. The guy at the front desk informed me that I have to actually DO something once I'm there. You all need to be more specific.
  • Chewster001
    Chewster001 Posts: 201 Member
    It seems to me that being a zombie burns quite a lot of calories. They all seem so thin, and stiff from muscle soreness. The moaning is not unlike what one hears at the gym. Do you see the correlation between MFP and zombieism that I see?

    MFPers are doomed to become zombies much sooner than Walmarters.

    We'll end up eating their brains, though, so there's that.
  • kmbweber2014
    kmbweber2014 Posts: 680 Member
    I love this thread.
  • alsunrise
    alsunrise Posts: 386 Member
    Is it bad that I fear being one of the people with cankles more than I do the idea of 'zombies'?
  • katamus
    katamus Posts: 2,363 Member
    Glad I'm not the only one who says they're training for the zombie apocalypse.

    Though I got into the argument the other day about long distance running versus sprinting.

    Also, these people at wal*mart.. In the event of sacrificing these individuals, wouldn't we only be screwing ourselves in the end as many of them may be turned into zombies? If anything, I'd rather see a wal*mart cleared out by pulling a fire alarm or something so that I can get to supplies and sneak out the back.
  • abyt42
    abyt42 Posts: 1,358 Member
    By any chance are you in Eugene? Or does more than one Walmart have the MacDonalds at the entrance set up? Geez.
  • thoshowski
    thoshowski Posts: 135 Member
    I've decided, if there is a Zombie Apocalpyse, I will run to the closest Costco. They have enough food for years (depending how many people are there), steel doors to keep the zombies out, no windows, things to do (games, toys, etc.), generators, gas stations, and liquor. I think I would survive quite well there. It's just getting there that would be the issue.
  • edge_dragoncaller
    edge_dragoncaller Posts: 826 Member
    By any chance are you in Eugene? Or does more than one Walmart have the MacDonalds at the entrance set up? Geez.

    Scottsbluff, NE here...our Wal*Mart has one as well.

    Remember Rule #1 - Cardio
  • AmyP619
    AmyP619 Posts: 1,137 Member
    By any chance are you in Eugene? Or does more than one Walmart have the MacDonalds at the entrance set up? Geez.

    Scottsbluff, NE here...our Wal*Mart has one as well.

    Remember Rule #1 - Cardio

    HAHA! I LOVE Zombieland.

    This is the best thread, EVER!
  • stringsNlinks
    stringsNlinks Posts: 293 Member
    thanks for the true LOL when I read this post. I luckly and caught it when I was logging my lunch and I was feeling all fiesty and pissy b/c I just left WALMART.

    Zombie Chum.... Haaalarious!
  • iWaffle
    iWaffle Posts: 2,208 Member
    It seems to me that being a zombie burns quite a lot of calories. They all seem so thin, and stiff from muscle soreness. The moaning is not unlike what one hears at the gym.

    No doubt they would get kicked out of Planet Fitness in short order. *Lunk alarm light flashing*

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