Significant Other Sabotage
atldrew
Posts: 25 Member
There have been several times in my life when I have been my own worst enemy when it comes to dieting but now I am dealing with a new challenge...my significant other.
My wife and I have been dieting on our own separate programs (me working out, Fitbit, MFP & her Jenny Craig) and have both been losing weight but she has now all but given up.
I have been trying to encourage her but I think she has begun trying to sabotage my diet. She is bringing home bad foods like fried chicken (which she knows I love) and is encouraging me to eat more. She also says things like "dieting is easy for you, the weight just drops off guys" which is very hurtful and sooooo not true.
I sometimes get five and a half hours of sleep because I get up to go to the gym. It can be a 10-min battle with myself just to get out of bed. Once there I keep pushing myself, setting goals, "on more!" I'll tell myself. There are so many times that I would rather just have a burger than this damn chicken breast but don't. I walk up and down the stairs and around the platform when waiting for the train on my commute. In other words I work HARD for the weight I have lost.
Has anyone else gone through this? What is the best way to handle it? Should I encourage her more? Give her space? Just do my own thing?
My wife and I have been dieting on our own separate programs (me working out, Fitbit, MFP & her Jenny Craig) and have both been losing weight but she has now all but given up.
I have been trying to encourage her but I think she has begun trying to sabotage my diet. She is bringing home bad foods like fried chicken (which she knows I love) and is encouraging me to eat more. She also says things like "dieting is easy for you, the weight just drops off guys" which is very hurtful and sooooo not true.
I sometimes get five and a half hours of sleep because I get up to go to the gym. It can be a 10-min battle with myself just to get out of bed. Once there I keep pushing myself, setting goals, "on more!" I'll tell myself. There are so many times that I would rather just have a burger than this damn chicken breast but don't. I walk up and down the stairs and around the platform when waiting for the train on my commute. In other words I work HARD for the weight I have lost.
Has anyone else gone through this? What is the best way to handle it? Should I encourage her more? Give her space? Just do my own thing?
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Replies
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Just do your own thing, and let her decide what she wants to do for herself. My wife used to make similar comments about it being easy for me to lose weight. And she would also offer foods which she knew I was trying to avoid. I think my efforts made her feel a little insecure about her own weight. Also, it can be hard to break out of eating habits, despite what the other spouse is doing. I doubt that she truly wants to sabotage you in the long run. Eventually my wife started going to the gym more with a friend of hers.0
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Good morning. I think your best bet for yourself is to just do your own thing, but just try to continue to encourage her. If it starts getting to you then you might want to say something. Obviously there is a problem for her if she has "all but given up", but you have to do for yourself what no one else can just like she does. My husband knows how hard it is for me when he brings in those doughnuts (especially the Pumkin spice or the red velvet cake w/cream cheese icing). He tells me "Just because I can eat these doesn't mean I am making you eat them." He thinks it is all about will power, and I guess a lot of it is, but it is more than that. Why tempt yourself with the things you love but you know you need to stay away from? When I was going to AA meetings every night for years you wouldn't have seen me go anywhere near the bar, and when there are no potatoe chips in the house I don't want any. But, ultimately I am doing this for myself, and no one else can do it for me, so keep on keeping on doing what you need to do for you, and when you can encourage her in her own journey and struggle with love, but stand up for you.
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i am still going through this with my wife at the moment. although she is not trying to lose weight it has often been you need to eat more. i think that for me people had got used to the size i had become for so long that any change people think i look ill. i started off at 18 stone and now i am down to nearly 13. i have worked hard to get this far. i remember the reasons i started and that helps me stay motivated. just keep going , its like kids at school giving in to peer pressure. you sound determined don't give up.
i am getting rid of weight not losing it because i have no intention of finding it again.0 -
Divorce.0
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I understand this at times. I am not trying to make excuses, I am responsible for me but sometimes DH makes it feel reallllllly easy for me to want to fall off the wagon. I sometimes feel like I have little to no support at all. I wish he would remind me more of how far I have come instead of being like ":Oh you want _____, let's go get it right now!"
He is not dieting, isn't on any plan. He sometimes watches what he eats usually after I rant and rave about 'getting healthy' about how this plan would be easier if we were both on it, other times nada, he just eats what he wants. We keep mostly healthy food IN the house, not to say we have not gone and bought crap food in moments of pure stupidity or weakness. Sometimes he has brought home 'vending machine' food from work then just says to me "I'm sorry" ... So in the end I do wish I had more of a cheerleader on my side instead of a push over.
*edit, I want to add. I too am a push over at times, caving easily when he says things "wish I could eat ____ right now" and sometimes after some back and forth emotions, I might give in and off we go. So it's NOT all him, all the time.0 -
bump, I would like to see other responses to this question..0
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Funny, I am sort of in the same position. My wife started on Weight Watchers in the spring while my motivation was, frankly, not high. In fact, she probably would have accused me of sabatoging her efforts by bringing junk food into the house from April or May through the end of June while she was weighing her foods (and herself) and translating everything into WW points. Now, my motivation is high and hers is flagging. She hit a plateau at around 15 lbs and started to get discouraged. I try to tell her that the reason I will continue to lose weight for some time whiles hers will slow down is, I have a lot more weight to lose, and even maintaining, or losing a lb or 2 a month is better than regaining all her weight and starting over again next spring.
As for you I agree, her minimizing your effort is not productive. Losing weight isn't easy for anybody. Don't let it get to you and realize it may just be her getting discouraged, or maybe insecure. It is a lot more fun to go off the reservation if you have a partner in crime rather than a person logging his calories and, perhaps, reminding her of just what she is doing to herself. Just set a good example and stick with your program regardless of what she brings in the house or says.0 -
I would just do your own thing and give her space. You aren't going to change someone who doesn't want to chang. I am lucky to have a supportive husband, but he is underweight and I have to keep all kinds of goodies in the house for him. That is tempting to me, but we came up with an idea of my just making him mini muffins and he keeps them in the bedroom to snack on all night long. I have to sleep in a recliner in the living room due to multiple health issues. As far as the friend chicken, if you feel like you have to have a piece, take all the skin off and then eat it. If she brought a lot home, I would put some in the freezer to get it out of reach. You have to take the time to thaw it out to eat it and that may keep you from eating it. You can do this and friends on here can be really helpful to you. Feel free to add me for support and motivation. My name is Kimberlee, 49.0
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That's a difficult situation.:( I know what you do day by day, and that is hard, but you keep on going. Congratulations for that.
Regarding her situation, I also think, she is insecure of herself, and even if this sounds foolish she is afraid of loosing you, as you become "better and better" and she is unable to follow you. As a women some of our confidence comes from how beautiful we feel, and our confidence impresses how we see our relationships. So I think, the best thing you can do is to boost a little bit your relationship. Make compliments, go for a romantic diner or(and:)) go for a spa together to relax, and have some fantastic nights.:)
If I would be her friend I would suggest her to buy some new clothes and have a nice haircut...0 -
Yes, I have encountered this in the past, it hurts for a bit and you question yourself and them, but stay strong and firm but loving. My significant other even got angry when I challenged him for trying to encourage me to do something I did not want to do (eat badly)...it is hard...but again stay strong and explain that it is the bad stuff that got you both off track last time. No need to be obsessive, just realistic.0
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My husband also sabotages me. I'm down a total of 30lbs so far and have between 10-15 to go. The loss has slowed so yes I've gotten frustrated but still, as another poster said, 1-2 lbs a month is better than starting over. Anyway, last night I was making a pork loin and green beans for dinner, as soon as I put it in the oven he wants to get Wendy's!! He asked me if I would like anything but I just replied that I was good, and would rather stick to the dinner I had planned. Then he returns with 3 sandwiches, fries, and a frosty! He doesn't have much weight to lose, maybe 15 lbs, but he gets on these rapid weight loss kicks now and then, ie, he'll sneak hydroxycut, or eat only chicken and greens for a week kind of thing. What he doesn't realize is depriving himself like that really p*sses his body off. Maybe one day he'll realize.
So, I've been doing my own thing, cooking healthy and not buying junk at the store. Let's just hope they get their motivation back soon before things get out of control.0 -
Do your own thing, she is wrong for saying the things she has, but she also has the right to give up on her diet and eat what she likes. Yes she should be encouraging and considerate, but you have to have the will power, bc she brings home fried chicken you have to choose not to eat it, its part of the process. None of us has to live with her; only you know truly how to deal with your wife. Sounds like a little jealousy, but the best advise I can give is try to shrug it off and keep moving fwd, in the end if you give up you can only blain yourself, not your wife. Think of it this way, if you have a drug addict and he goes and gets the drug because his girlfriend made him made, whose fault is it that he fell off the wagon...think about..Stay strong...you can do this.0
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I'm not sure what you've said to try to motivate her so this may be a repeat of that but I'd have a sit down with her and let her know how she's made you feel and how you're still planning on sticking to your diet and exercise even if she's not going to. Ask her not to bring stuff like that into the house and remind her that this is not just for weight but also for health and you do hope that she continues on in one way or another so she sticks around for many years to bother you. LOL! Encourage her to join MFP. And above all tell her you love her. 0
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She also says things like "dieting is easy for you, the weight just drops off guys" which is very hurtful and sooooo not true.
I can't stand when women say that. My Mom was in a tough spot and lived with my wife and I for a few months right when I was really buckling down to lose some weight and improve my body composition. My training plan was 6 days a week, 1-1.5 hrs a day of sweat and pain. She saw me go through all of this. When I finally started to look pretty good, her comment was "Oh, well it's easy for guys to lose weight". Are you f****** kidding me?!? Easy?!? Last I checked there are plenty of fat guys who would like to lose weight and don't find it easy. If you're a woman and you've ever said that, quit making sorry excuses for your own failure.
OP, as to your original concern, just like everything else in marriages, communication is key. I constantly see people give stupid advice that encourages you to ignore how it hurts you and just do your own thing. That's a good way to end up divorced. Ultimatley you should never give up on your own health because of a spouse who can't come to terms, but you owe it to your wife to clearly explain your desires and how it hurts when you feel like she is sabatoging your efforts. If you can have a clear conversation (not argument) and explain what's going on, you put the ball in her court. Do not accuse her of anything, just explain the way you feel and let the chips fall where they may.0 -
Thanks for all the suggestions and support. It couldn't come at a better time with all the Halloween candy floating around the office!!0
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That's a difficult situation.:( I know what you do day by day, and that is hard, but you keep on going. Congratulations for that.
Regarding her situation, I also think, she is insecure of herself, and even if this sounds foolish she is afraid of loosing you, as you become "better and better" and she is unable to follow you. As a women some of our confidence comes from how beautiful we feel, and our confidence impresses how we see our relationships. So I think, the best thing you can do is to boost a little bit your relationship. Make compliments, go for a romantic diner or(and:)) go for a spa together to relax, and have some fantastic nights.:)
If I would be her friend I would suggest her to buy some new clothes and have a nice haircut...
^couldn't have said it any better!0 -
Most women love to play the role of emotional support, so you can cater to that. Sit down have a heart to heart with her and say you think she seems to not be there for you emotionally in your journey of weight lose and how hurtful that is. You might need to get the emotional support else where or at least joke about going to have to find emotional support else where, I think that is like a nuclear weapon threat and might help bring her around. If that doesn't work well, I'm sorry for your situation.0
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My husband just told me, he is not trying to lose weight, but he would try to give my work out/diet advice, and I would brush it off. Saying I didn't want his advice, he is very fit and always has been since I've known him. Little did I know that those comments hurt his feelings. He finally told me that he worked hard for his body that he was not "born with a 6 pack" which is something I used to say. And that it was not fair of me to say/think those things. So now I don't. That simple. Maybe you could just sit down and talk with her, sometimes we just need to be reminded that we're being insensitive to our significant others needs/feelings.0
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Got a similar issue with my SO. It's not that she's trying to sabotage so much as I don't feel the same kind of support. She says she thinks it's cool, but also said that at my goal weight I'd be too skinny and she'd prefer to have something to hold on to. I mean - is she srsly asking me to be overweight? o.o0
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so sorry.. talk with her.. my dear hubby is thin and perfectly healthy so he can eat whatever and i just eat my stuff.0
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talk to your wife tell her how you feel. I think this happens in many relationships but talking about it may help her recognize that what she is doing is hurtful. Go from there if it continues after you have talked about that is when you I feel you may have a problem. Best wishes and keep up the great work! I don't care if your a man or a women it is not easy to lose weight if it is 5 pounds or 1000
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I'm not sure what you've said to try to motivate her so this may be a repeat of that but I'd have a sit down with her and let her know how she's made you feel and how you're still planning on sticking to your diet and exercise even if she's not going to. Ask her not to bring stuff like that into the house and remind her that this is not just for weight but also for health and you do hope that she continues on in one way or another so she sticks around for many years to bother you. LOL! Encourage her to join MFP. And above all tell her you love her.
I don't go there any more with my wife. I have, on occasion, made comments about treats she brings into the house, like chocolate, frozen custard, cake, potato chips, and microwave popcorn. She usuallly reminds me that she didn't complain when I used to bring home sliders, fried chicken, chinese takeout, and ho hos.
So that is why I just try to lead by example. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.0 -
My husband is quite thin. He's not that supportive any more, he thinks I've already lost enough weight, but I reckon I still have around 7lb to go. And it,s my decision to lose that remaining 7lb. He often brings "bad" foods into the house, but I don't see this as sabotaging me at all. Before I started losing weight I knew I would have to live in a world full of chocolate, cake, chips, crisps etc - at home, at the office, going out with friends and family - and I'd just have to come to terms with that and make my own choices about what to eat.0
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