Anyone deal with an unsupportive partner?
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shecallsmemomma
Posts: 4
My boyfriend and I live together, have been together for just about 7 years. Obviously he's the father of my daughter, too.
I feel like he has zero faith in me and honestly, I feel like he wants me to fail at all of this. When I was measuring my food earlier he was hovering over my shoulder watching and telling me it's "so interesting" when I know he was NOT truly interested in any way.
I then told him that a friend of mine was giving me a treadmill for free (which is nice because money is tight right now due to me starting college in January) and his response was "oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use."
Anddddd now he's baking chocolate chip cookies. He knows they're my favourite, and he has NEVER baked in the seven years I've known him. He put one in my face and said "here, have one" and I told him I don't want any and then he went on about how it's rude and "hurt his feelings" and so on.
I talk to him and he says he hopes I do well blah blah ... but his actions sure prove otherwise.
Is anyone else dealing with this?
I feel like he has zero faith in me and honestly, I feel like he wants me to fail at all of this. When I was measuring my food earlier he was hovering over my shoulder watching and telling me it's "so interesting" when I know he was NOT truly interested in any way.
I then told him that a friend of mine was giving me a treadmill for free (which is nice because money is tight right now due to me starting college in January) and his response was "oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use."
Anddddd now he's baking chocolate chip cookies. He knows they're my favourite, and he has NEVER baked in the seven years I've known him. He put one in my face and said "here, have one" and I told him I don't want any and then he went on about how it's rude and "hurt his feelings" and so on.
I talk to him and he says he hopes I do well blah blah ... but his actions sure prove otherwise.
Is anyone else dealing with this?
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Replies
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Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.0
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I dealt with this for YEARS and I always let it be my excuse to quit. This time, though, I managed to stick it out...even when he was getting mad at me, or bringing me home junk food and then complaining it would go to waste if I didn't eat it...guilt trips, you name it, he tried it!
After I was down about 50 pounds and others started noticing, it got much better. He's even gone running with me a few times, but there are still times...just today even, where he makes ugly remarks about how much "my" food costs and how my workouts are in the way of his plans.
I've realized by now that it's just his own insecurities talking and I just tune him out. Arguing just fuels him even more.0 -
I've realized by now that it's just his own insecurities talking and I just tune him out. Arguing just fuels him even more.
Good point.
My boyfriend has 0% body fat and doesn't really understand my struggle with getting in shape either. But he can tell that it is important to me, and the more I do to take care of me, the more he is interested in me. There are different ways to take interest - like Shecallsmemom was saying- cookies for the first time in 7 years? He is taking interest. Unfortunately, like sevencallmemo said- his insecurities are doing the talking in that whole tempting you to fail bit instead of supportive actions.
It helps me to tell my boyfriend how he can help me. Be flexible time wise cause I need to make time for the gym. Can you not put butter all over my bowl of popcorn?
I know it is easy to be threatened by someone who is close to you getting their act together when you are not (everyone has their own "act"to get together- it could be getting health emotionally, physically, career wise...). The most important thing is to stick with it- know that he is just lashing out cause he is scared. He will come to see that you taking care of yourself is not a threat to him... and if he doesn't that is his loss.0 -
My husband is the same way, but probably for different reasons. He "loves me the way i am" (200 LBs overweight), says i don't need to change and shouldn't be trying to lose weight, etc.... But how he really felt came out recently when he accused me of "losing weight for somebody else" other than myself. Thinks that because i know he loves me the way i am yet i continue to lose weight, that im doing it for another guy! I dont get it!!0
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Not a partner, but my mother makes it difficult to for me lose weight. She is always telling me I'm fine the way I am and don't need to lose weight and am skinny enough etc etc. Don't get me wrong i really really appreciate this and love how much she loves and cares for me. But i wish she would support that I would like to shape up a bit more and get to a place where I am more comfortable and confident. She is always buying fattening foods and making me feel bad if I don't eat them... It's constant if I talk about weight loss, her response is always "that's stupid! You don't need to!" And for dinner she'll order pizza..0
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Yes...me me me! I cant stand it!!!! He knows I need to lose weight and how badly I want this and he keeps bringing home crap! Today he brought me home reeses! I said you know im trying to lose weight and he said well I was just thinking of you gesh. I tell him I really do appreciate it but please dont bring home junk. Well he still does, I really do think he is trying to sabotage me!0
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brick, knife, baseball bat with nails in it, pillowcase full of door knobs, brass knuckles, nun-chucks, metal chair, 4 by 2, well oiled bull whip, punch, kick, body slam.
if this is a common theme in your relationship, thats really, really unhealthy. You shouldn't accept being treated that way. you need to get to the root of the problem, so you need to talk to him about how this behaviour makes you feel.
He seems to be going out of his way to hurt you thats not ok no matter what its about.
"oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use." --- that sounds really really bad. if he wasn't joking and meant it to hurt you thats WAY out of line.
you deserve better. especially if this is more than just an isolated incident.0 -
I am in the almost exact same boat. Boyfriend of 7 years, live together, unsupportive. I feel he is so not supportive and often destructive to me because he is insecure about himself. He is average weight for a guy, 5'10'' about 180lbs but he also has Crohn's Disease.
When I try to lose weight he flares up and has to eat ONLY high fatty, high calorie foods, or he drops weight and becomes sicker. So with the two of us in a house together guess whose food gets put on the back burner. Mine.
I try to explain that I want this, that I want to lose weight and be healthy but his response is always well I need to gain it. It gets tiring to make two dinners, buy two sets of groceries.
I feel ya. Someday he will get it. Or I will get it and realize he's super destructive to a lot of parts of my life.0 -
I am dealing with the same thing. I think there is a little insecurity, mixed with a dash of inability to understand and a handful of conflicting lifestyles. I am doing a modified keto diet. Heavy on protein. He is a vegan. He is also naturally thin, where as this is the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life and I am just under the overweight line. I am trying to be respectful of our differences while dancing a difficult dance. But I am stubborn and his resistance just makes me try harder.0
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My relationship was def holding me back; we are both foodies and like to try new recipes and enjoy food together. When I started showing interest in losing weight I got all of the expected "i love you the way you are" stuff that they feel like they have to say, and even some sabatoge like you mentioned. Eventually the real issue came out: he was worried if I got to a weight that upped my confidence I might think i could do better and leave. This is so CRAZY it hadn't even crossed my mind but with him above his ideal weight he was as insecure as me and I didn't know it.
Not saying this is your guy's issue, but it is something to think about.0 -
Sounds to me like your boyfriend wants you to remain the way you are because he has an inferiority complex... i was there onco too!!!0
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the real issue came out: he was worried if I got to a weight that upped my confidence I might think i could do better and leave.
this is the usual/classic reason behind this sabotage or non supportive behaviour.
but actually your partner trying to loose weight is a sign they might be having an affair or wanting to leave you and they are preparing to be single again. this is seen as one of the signs so its not completely crazy.
maybe yall just need to show them some love and say those most important words:
"I AIN'T NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU CLEATUS"
hahah. lol.0 -
Yeah, I can completely relate. He's been living with me for 6 years - for most of that we were a couple.....now he's more of a house guest. He's been unemployed for nearly 2 years so his contribution is food and usually making dinners - deep fried chicken, quesadillas......not a lot of healthy stuff. I recently made arrangements to buy a treadmill from a friend - Winter in Ohio is not conducive to waking and I can't be away from home more than my time at work (have a teenage daughter). His asked if I was actually going to use it. Whaaaaaat????? It's frustrating to no end. The key, for me anyway, is to remember it's not about him.
To all of you going through this... (((HUG))) don't give up!0 -
but actually your partner trying to loose weight is a sign they might be having an affair or wanting to leave you and they are preparing to be single again. this is seen as one of the signs so its not completely crazy.
Sigh. If no one cheated people wouldn't perpetuate ideas like that. That is what they say though lol. For me it wasn't that I was preparing to leave him, but more "if i don't get down to the weight I was when he met me he'll leave me." funny how minds jump to the worst conclusion.0 -
My husband is really supportive of my desire to lose weight but it didn't just happen overnight. My husband had a bad habit of putting cookies in my hand and it took me a few times to finally get him to stop doing that. This was before I even got serious about losing weight. At that moment I knew I was eating way too much junk and didn't quite know what to do about it but I knew him putting food in my hand when I wasn't thinking about food wasn't helping me any.
My husband did tease me about buying equipment that I didn't use and got rid of. He did support my chance to jump on buying a treadmill for 20 bucks to put in our basement. He helped me get all set up in the basement and honestly I have only used it a few times. I go to the Y and I rather be outside but when it's cold.. I am sure I will put it to good use.
My husband has a sweet tooth and eats things in front of me but mostly it doesn't bother me. I have to use self control and can't blame him if I suddenly want ice cream cause he is having it. Although, sometimes, I do get it but I always measure and try to keep it at the serving size or close.
Your boyfriend may feel insecure at the idea of you losing weight. Hopefully, once he see's how great it makes you feel and look he will be more supporative. My husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me and tells me how cool it is that he can put his arms around me now.
Hang in there. Hopefully he will come around.0 -
Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.
My boyfriend of 4 years is the same way. He supports me but at the same time he doesn't understand why I want to lose weight. He says he will eat healthy with me but he will sit and eat chips and oreos and everything in front of me. It doesn't bother me so much when he eats in front of me, just makes me stronger to resist the foods he's eating. He says he doesn't even think about it when he's eating that food either. He says he loves the way I look and everything but doesn't get it that I need to feel good about myself as well. Just have an all out serious talk with him and hopefully he will get it. :-)0 -
Today my man confided in me that he is threatened by my weight loss because it makes him feel fat and lazy. He told me he is scared that as I get fitter, I won't be as interested in him anymore and will want someone healthier or more good looking (which is ridiculous!)
Maybe your man has similar insecurities but doesn't know how to express them?0 -
Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.
My boyfriend of 4 years is the same way. He supports me but at the same time he doesn't understand why I want to lose weight. He says he will eat healthy with me but he will sit and eat chips and oreos and everything in front of me. It doesn't bother me so much when he eats in front of me, just makes me stronger to resist the foods he's eating. He says he doesn't even think about it when he's eating that food either. He says he loves the way I look and everything but doesn't get it that I need to feel good about myself as well. Just have an all out serious talk with him and hopefully he will get it. :-)
his hands are tied a little bit. if he went the other way an said yeh you need to loose weight that would hurt you and you would have your own thread about your unsupportive boyfriend :P
there are a few questions that you ladies ask that have boys ducking for cover
do I look fat in this? - you cannot win on this.
do I need to loose weight? same deal.
what are you thinking right now? oh crap... say something... anything....
so when the subject of weight comes up we duck for cover because if we didnt say "oh but baby I love your bootie the way it is" you might get violent.
please don't hurt me.0 -
Just last night I went to a 6pm boot camp at my gym. Before I even got there, DH called to tell me he wasn't feeling good and wanted to go to bed early. I told him the class was an hour and I'd be home right after. Well, it started late, and it wasn't over until 7:30. I had told him I should be home at 7:30. After the class, I spent 5 minutes talking to another woman in the class, then headed home. I pulled up in front of our house at 7:52, and came inside to get the 3rd degree. He started off by saying "I thought you said you'd be done at 7" Talk about putting me on the defensive!
He makes brownies, buys chips, cooks in the deep fryer every Sunday,. He's in charge of getting dinner ready because he gets home at 3:30 but I don't leave work until 5:30 at the earliest so he feeds the kids before they start running for their activities. I buy healthy food, and he stops at the store every day for "easy" meals like hamburger helper and spaghetti. He keeps a bag of chocolate in the night stand by the bed and eats in bed every night.
He came to the gym with me for about a month earlier this year, but he'd rather sit at home drinking beer, so he started making every excuse in he world not to meet me there. He says he sees how much happier and less moody I am when I exercise regularly and eat healthy, but he's always trying to put obstacles in my way.
I've let his insecurities make my goals lapse and my weight yo-yo too many times to count. I'm making friends at the gym (women!!!) and hoping that this time, not only will I stick to it, but he'll find a little security in the fact that I'm just doing it to feel good for ME!0 -
Today my man confided in me that he is threatened by my weight loss because it makes him feel fat and lazy. He told me he is scared that as I get fitter, I won't be as interested in him anymore and will want someone healthier or more good looking (which is ridiculous!)
Maybe your man has similar insecurities but doesn't know how to express them?
This is fact with men who don't live a healthy lifestyle. Still its No Excuse for women not to live a healthy lifestyle. Find a friend who will support you. Feel free to send me a friend request for encouragement and support.
Herb0
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