Tell me your funniest joke!
JohnnyKitty
Posts: 117 Member
in Chit-Chat
Help, I'm so bored and I'm stuck at school, try to make me laugh!
0
Replies
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What do you call a ghost bee?
A boobee. (This is my go to joke for everything. I need more jokes for between time on stage)0 -
Knock Knock0
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who's there?Knock Knock0 -
Hutch
who's there?Knock Knock0 -
Hutch who?
Hutch
who's there?Knock Knock0 -
Bless you :blushing:
Hutch who?
Hutch
who's there?Knock Knock0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.0 -
I was going to see a Show about puns, but it turned out it was just a play on words.
What do you call sea gulls that live by the bay?
Bay-gulls (ba dum dum)0 -
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to drop it and three to yell "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"
(I don't know if anyone will get this)0 -
How do make a hormone?
Don't pay her.0 -
Ok, but it's slightly dirty.
There were three ducks swimming in a farmers pond. He called the conservation agent to get them out.
The conservation agent came out and called the first duck up on land.
"What's your name?" he asked the duck.
"My name is duck. We were just blowing bubbles in the pond." said the duck.
"Well, the farmer wants you out, so go somewhere else." said the conservation agent.
He then called the second little duck out and asked him his name.
"My name is duck-duck and we were just blowing bubbles in the pond." said the duck.
"Well, go somewhere else." said the conservation agent.
As the third duck walked up on shore, the agent said, "I know, your name is duck-duck-duck."
"No," said the duck. "My name is Bubbles!!"0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
OMG, too funny!!
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.0 -
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?0
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He ran out of juice!0
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Why didn't Noah fish off the side of the Ark?
He only had two worms!
Gets me everytime
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Your mom.0
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What do you call a pizza parlor owned by an epileptic midget?
Little Seizures!0 -
A LOVE STORY
I shall seek & find you…
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you…
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan and groan…
I will make you beg for mercy…beg for me to stop…
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And you will be weak for days…
All my love….
THE FLU
Get your mind out of the gutter...actually, it's WAY more fun in here :devil:0 -
Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!0 -
So the judge says to Mickey Mouse, "Let me get this straight, you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy?"
Mickey says,"No! She's f--king Goofy."0 -
Why don't Southern Belles attend orgies?
Too many Thank You notes.
:bigsmile:0 -
CALORIE BURNING
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 -
How do you make a cat bark?
Dip it in gasoline, light a match, and WHOOF!
How do you make a dog meow?
Put it in the freezer for a few days, then take it out and place it on the table saw - MEEEEOOOOOW!0 -
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . *kitten*. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!0 -
the girl potato chip to the guy potato chip
are you her's or frito lay0 -
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to drop it and three to yell "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"
(I don't know if anyone will get this)
bahaha I love it!0 -
Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective.
It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame,
embarrassment, and restraint.0 -
THE BATHTUB
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized. Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view0 -
Editor's note: Sit down before you read this, and do NOT have any
fluids in or near your mouth ...this is a really hilarious story. I am
NOT responsible for broken keyboards or monitors due to liquids
being ejected from your mouth due to laughter!]
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a Guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"Pocket Taser" for their anniversary........
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
For a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
Suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
Triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really
Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
Better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
Thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION
@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt
like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
Point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
Landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.0
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