Tell me your funniest joke!

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  • homerjspartan
    homerjspartan Posts: 1,893 Member
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    So the judge says to Mickey Mouse, "Let me get this straight, you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy?"

    Mickey says,"No! She's f--king Goofy."
  • wheresheidi
    wheresheidi Posts: 213
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    Why don't Southern Belles attend orgies?


    Too many Thank You notes.

    :bigsmile:
  • hugsee
    hugsee Posts: 36
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    CALORIE BURNING

    Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

    Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
    Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
    Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
    Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
    Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
    Throwing your weight around
    (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
    Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
    Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
    Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
    Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
    Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
    Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
    Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
    Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
    Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
    Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
    Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
    Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
    Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
    Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
    Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

    To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

    Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
    Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
    Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
    Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
    Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
    Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6
    Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
  • jplord
    jplord Posts: 510 Member
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    How do you make a cat bark?

    Dip it in gasoline, light a match, and WHOOF!

    How do you make a dog meow?

    Put it in the freezer for a few days, then take it out and place it on the table saw - MEEEEOOOOOW!
  • hugsee
    hugsee Posts: 36
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    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
    wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"











    "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . *kitten*. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent,absorbing this.

    "So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."







    She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

    Lizards lay eggs!
  • blakejohn
    blakejohn Posts: 1,129 Member
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    the girl potato chip to the guy potato chip

    are you her's or frito lay
  • chelle_fri
    chelle_fri Posts: 333 Member
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    How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?


    One to drop it and three to yell "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"

    (I don't know if anyone will get this)

    bahaha I love it!
  • hugsee
    hugsee Posts: 36
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    Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective.

    It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame,
    embarrassment, and restraint.
  • hugsee
    hugsee Posts: 36
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    THE BATHTUB

    It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
    this should help get you started.

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
    the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
    institutionalized. Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
    we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
    her to empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
    person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
    teacup."

    No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
    Do you want a room with or without a view
  • hugsee
    hugsee Posts: 36
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    Editor's note: Sit down before you read this, and do NOT have any
    fluids in or near your mouth ...this is a really hilarious story. I am
    NOT responsible for broken keyboards or monitors due to liquids
    being ejected from your mouth due to laughter!]

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    This was submitted by a Guy who purchased his lovely wife a
    "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary........

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
    For a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    Suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    Triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it

    against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
    I really
    Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    Better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
    Thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
    as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
    such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to
    give
    myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
    my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
    DESTRUCTION
    @$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
    thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
    second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt
    like hell!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    Point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
    Landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
    still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering
    a significant reward for their safe return.
  • Allison22451
    Allison22451 Posts: 686 Member
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    Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court.
    The judge says to Mickey, " Im sorry, you cant divorce Minnie because shes crazy."
    Mickey argues, " I never said she was crazy. I said she was F'ing Goofy!!".

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