Favorite Joke

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't...you get down from a duck!

Three little piggies go out to dinner.
The waiter to comes to take their beverage order.
The first piggie orders Mt. Dew. The second piggie orders Pepsi. The third piggie says "I want beer. Lots and lots of beer!"
The waiter delivers their drinks and takes their food order.
The first piggie says "I'll have roast beef," the second piggie orders spaghetti and the third piggie says "I want beer. Lots and lots of beer!"
The waiter delivers their food and after a suitable time asks for their dessert order.
The first little piggie orders cheese cake, the second little piggie orders apple pie a la mode and the third piggie orders, again, "I want beer. Lots and lots of beer."
The waiter delivers their desserts and asks the third piggie "Sir, may I ask why you have been ordering beer all night?"
The third piggie responds "Well ONE of us has to go "wee wee wee" all the way home!"

A woman coming out off a coffee shop witnesses a very strange funeral procession: two hearses, followed by a woman walking a dog, followed by about 30 women in single file. Curiosity gets the better of her and she approaches the woman walking the dog.

"I'm very sorry," says the woman, but I have to know; who is in the first hearse?"
"My husband," responds the woman walking the dog.
"Oh my!" exclaims the woman, "I'm very sorry for your loss. Who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law," she answers.
"What happened?"
"The dog attacked my husband when he was coming in late from a night of philandering. The dog thought he was a burglar. My mother-in-law tried to save her son."

The woman is quiet for a moment as she processes this.
"May I borrow your dog?" asks the woman.
"Get in line," responds the widow.

I woke up this morning and my wife was out. There was a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums'. I don't know what the silly cow is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga when she is sleeping?

Answer: Poker Face