I Propose New Measurement Rules

Actually more like guidelines.

It seems to me that the current measurements like cups, tablespoons, teaspoons, liters, etc. just don't quite get the job done.

For instance, let's say you are out with your girlfriend at some burger biggie joint. Oh look who's here Honey! She turns to look and you quickly, stealthily grab some extra fries off her tray. I don't know that person. Oh gosh, thought that was your Mom. Looked like your Mom, hairy, beady left eye and dilated right eye as if she was on several mood enhancement drugs. My bad, let's enjoy your meal and the pleasantries. Now those extra fries should be called sneakers. 3 fries per sneaker.

Then what about that office party for the employee who is sadly leaving us. Lots of cake at those. Often we carefully measure the that 2 inch square piece and then grab 8 inches of border icing. I propose we call those strings. 6 inches being one full serving. So that would be one piece of cake plus a string.

What about the mishaps in life? We go for a late night snack and find cookies. Carefully we count out the 6 cookies that makes up one serving and puts us over our allowance by a smidge. But dang it we drop one on the floor. Those are called dusters. A duster becomes inedible once dropped on the floor. Therefore since it is inedible it's not food and hence does not count toward any calories even if consumed. Thus it would be one serving less the duster. Now you're under your allowance. All is right!

Now these are just guidelines so follow your heart.