I Remember.... Do You?

I remember covering every mirror in my house just to not to have to look at myself reflected. I still try to keep myself from them but I don't hate what I see anymore.

I remember having to photoshop every single picture that was taken with me in it, just to make the fatty rolls a tiny bit more concealed and less noticeable.

I remember the skin sores and rashes underneath every fatty roll, and the friction rashes in between my legs.

I remember buying jeans and having to buy new ones after just two months because they were worn out in the tigh area.

I remember when people could only see the fat around my body and they couldn't see me.

I remember when I felt my wardrobe consisted only in tents and larger tents instead of clothes.

I remember when I was always pat down at airport security checks to make sure I wasn't hiding any weapons and not believing the security officers when they were just choosing random people to pat down.

I remember when my feet and knees hurt like hell on earth from the moment i got up from the bed or a chair until i went back to sit down or lie down on them.

And i remember so many other situations!

I remember avoiding the mirror because seeing myself, and the way i looked, made me anxious.

I remember stepping on the scale for the first time in over a year at a doctors visit and litterally being SICKENED by the sight of my own weight.

I remember wearing layers and layers of cloths and never going to the beach even though i live in ****ing Hawaii.

I remember feeling terribly insecure in every relationship i've ever been in.

I remember the kids who would constantly tease me for being "the fat awkward kid".
I remember dreading gym classes and blaming my asthma for why I wasn't active.
I remember have to move from juniors clothing to ladies at age 10 so the pants wold fit properly.
I remember sneaking food from the closet because i was ALWAYS hiding my emotions in food.
I remember crying when I was 15 because I officially hit 200 pounds.
Never again.

I remember being called the fat kid in school
I remember eating fast food all the time
I remember not knowing what a vegatable was
I remember drinking alot of Mt, Dew
I remember I CAN DO THIS!!

Unlike you, I remember when I weighed 90 pounds and ate normally.

i remeber trying not to remember my childhood.

I remember using my arms to hide my belly, my hair to hide my round cheeks, my clothes to hide my body, my smile to hide my discomfort.

I remember dreading going to the mall with my girlfriends because they would go, try on clothes and buy a bunch of cute outfits and I would only come back with make-up and earrings because the clothes didn't fit me.

I remember never going to the beach with my family, never wearing shorts/skirts/tight shirts, never wanting to be on pictures because I (still) don't like my body.

I remember hating the scale more than anything ever although it's just an object.

I remember all the teasing and bullying and thinking "well, they're mean but they do have a point after all".

I remember seeing cute guys but never even trying to talk to them or look them in the eye because what's the point anyway?

I remember tons of other things but most of all, I remember I'm not done with my journey so I'm not giving up. Ever.

I remember breathing hard just doing normal things. I remember waking myself up from snoring. I remember having to try on clothes at home to find something that didnt make me look *too fat*. I remember having to almost be a catortionist (sp?) When I needed to wipe my butt. (Sorry but its true) I remember walking by the coolers at work and seeing my reflection in the glass and noticing how my butt stuck out and made me look like I wasnt standing up straight. I remember. And I am NEVER going back!!

I remember asking my fiance what his favorite physical feature of mine was... he answered your hands, and everything from your neck up. I remember my heart breaking. I remember making excuses at footy practice, saying I was injured, when really I was just out of shape, and not strong enough to snap and make a change yet. I remember my captain saying to the other girls, while I was in earshot, "well, Andi's not exactly the kind of ambassador we want for this team". I remember cringeing, then feeling butthurt, but not getting angry. I remember a woman arguing with me on the T that I should take the seat because clearly I am pregnant.

I remember getting the call that I made the reserves for the national team, on the condition that I get in shape. I remember getting serious and never looking back.

Thanks for sharing your memories. You're all my heroes.

I remember:
Not being able to run for a minute without feeling like i was dying
Not knowing what to do in the gym weight room
Being unable to buy tops to fit
Having more than one chin in a picture
weighing the equivalent of what I weighed when I was pregnant
Having to wear spankx with everything

I remember "hugging" a pillow when relaxing on the couch at home because I wanted to hide the stomach that was much bigger when i was sitting down.

I remember wearing so many layers of Spanx or spandex under my clothes so that I would look "thinner" and being so uncomfortable and sweaty that I could not enjoy myself and only wanted to come home and get undressed.

I remember when mybeautiful 3 year old daughter innocently and honestly asked me why my stomach was so big when we were in the shower one day. I remember smiling instead of crying and telling her that mommy needs to lose a little weight and get healthier. It was like a knife to my heart to know that she noticed that part of me, but sadly, not enough for me to get off my *kitten* and do something 3 years ago. I NEVER want weight to be an issue for her.

I remember (and still experience) using my hair dryer to dry out the crease underneath my belly and put powder on to keep from getting a rash. It is humiliating and disgusting and I hope it goes away completely once I am down some more weight. I will take some loose skin on my belly any day in comparison to that. Can't believe I let myself exist like that.

I remember hating EVERY single picture I was in... Especially my double chin and all the weight in my midsection. Side angles were the absolute worst! Even now, I actually like most pictures I am in. What a change in just 45 lbs.

I remember last December when we were in Vegas and my daughter (then 6) wanted to zipline downtown. She wanted me to go with her and I was too scared to. The weight limit was 250 and I was right at/around that weight and too embarassed to have them weigh me and be rejected. So I had to deal with her disappointment that she had to do it without me.

I could go on and on forever unfortunately. But that is enough for now and about all my heart can take today. Bittersweet for sure... I am so happy to not be there anymore, but I still have a way to go and am disappointed in myself for getting to that point. I will NEVER go back to being that person again!