Hi everybody - Ready to change my negative self-image

Hi all!

I'm Jill. I'm a 27 year old Emergency RN from Alberta. I love my life - I have an amazing husband and a gorgeous 5 month old daughter. I have a stimulating and challenging career, a great group of friends, an awesome church, and hobbies I truly enjoy (trying to learn the banjo, for one). However, I've struggled with loving myself and my body for a long time.

I'm really excited to get some transparency, vulnerability, accountability and conscientiousness into my eating habits. I started typing out my life story, but I think I'll make it a little simpler of a bio: When I was 14 I was borderline anorexic until some concerned adults intervened and I decided to make a change. Unfortunately, since then I've had a weird relationship with food and eating. I no longer compulsively under-eat and exercise to extremes, however now I have a new array of food-and-body issues:

- Secretive eating. When my husband is away, I feel the need to eat things that I wouldn't want him or others to see me eat. I'll order a donut with my coffee nonchalantly, but then I'll scarf it down in the drive-thru, toss the bag, and make sure there are no incriminating crumbs. I'll even make sure I have drunk a sufficient amount of coffee to mask the smell of chocolate and coconut on my breath. I have no idea really why I feel so compelled to do this. There is so much shame associated with the behaviour. It's bizarre. I do the same thing in the middle of my night when I wake to feed my daughter.

- Emotional/boredom eating. This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm guilty of this! Being home with my daughter all day doesn't help; at least when I was at work I would keep myself busy so that I'm not exposed to the deadly combo of bored + food availability.

-I don't believe in myself. Truly. You ask me if I can do _________ (be it a sit up, push up, wall climbing, plank, run 5 km, or any other physical activity), I will probably say "no, I'm incapable". This has been my view point since the humiliating Canadian Fitness tests of my grade-school days. I've carried that attitude forward, unfortunately. I've been known to cry during the ab section of my step and pump class...

These issues, compounded with a sweet tooth and a recent pregnancy (my baby is 5 months old), and I have 50 pounds to lose and I've felt SO helpless to get it off.

I'm 5'0' and 160 lbs with a goal of 110 lbs (though basically when I have healthy habits, normal energy levels, and a normal-for-me body shape, I'll be happy regardless of the number - I'm not a huge fan of scales). I've been going to the gym and eating a bit better for 4 months now, but have only lost 3 lbs total since when I weighed myself after having my daughter. I was also breastfeeding exclusively for a while (due to a myriad of reasons, I'm now weaning, sadly). I've noticed in the short period of time that I've been tracking here that it is AMAZING what I would want to eat mindlessly if I didn't have to jot everything down. There is a lot of room for change.

I was crying (before joining) to my husband, convinced that I would never win this battle. For the first time in a while, I think I can do this! I WILL look good in my jeans soon, and hopefully before I leave my twenties . Also, I'm learning I need to give myself credit for the positive choices I'm already making, not berate myself for the changes I've yet to fully embrace.

I could use some encouragement, so I came here to say hi . If you've read through my ramblings, thank you!!