Lost that loving feeling/co-habitation.

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135

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  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    Whiners.

    I've got my hopes up for my semi-annual satisfaction some time in the next month or so.

    I've got my hopes up for you too....now remember....wear the HRM and send me the stats after.
  • jaleungs8
    jaleungs8 Posts: 21
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    I've been married for 4 years, together 7...and I'm usually the one running from sex, my husband can go all day everyday lol!
    But when I do want it, I dress up so there's no way i could be turned down. I think it's fun to dress up for my husband and play little games with him...I'm always worried things will get dull between us, so I'll try new things to keep the relationship spicy lol!
  • tfowler306
    tfowler306 Posts: 8
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    You know it goes both ways... I was Married for 13 years. There were several years in that time that I only got it twice a year. It wasn't from lack of effort on my part. My ex wife is HOT, but just wasn't into it....
  • Curious3D
    Curious3D Posts: 23 Member
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    Been married 6 years, together 8. Sex life has cooled down from dating, but if it didn't, we'd both be dead by now. :)

    We live in a smallish home and have a teenager across the hall. We sneak it in when we can, it's not as often as either of us would like, but we're both happy. The thing is, we're intimate and somewhat sexual (not in front of the kid, but sneakily) all.the.time. I will sneak up behind my husband and grab his junk while he's making toast - or while we're wandering the aisles at Lowes. He does similar little things to me. We kiss each other often and rarely pass by one another without some kind of touch. It's subtle, we're not all gross PDA about it. It's just how we are, BUT it lends a constant undercurrent of being far more than just roommates.

    Being on a sex schedule or knowing you have demands from your partner can be a big downer. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting more sex, you're not. I'm just saying that if you know your partner is circling you looking to get some, and your head isn't there, it's a weird combination of pressure and resistance. Like, the way people rebel when you tell them what not to do. KWIM? Your man may not have the energy to have sex during the week. He also may feel.... bad about that. Maybe he means to please you, he wants to, but he's just not in the headspace.

    There is a constant give and take in a healthy relationship. One person is the pursuer, and one person is being persued. Then that switches up. Kind of like one person likes the other more at any given point. You constantly being the pursuer is a drag for you, clearly, as it would be for anyone. You have to change that up to keep things interesting.

    You could try backing off a little and seeing if he picks up the slack. Combine that with playful sexual affection and see if he comes around without you having to remind him. Treat him, without expecting anything in return, every once in a while. Nothing quite reminds a man he's a man like a bj. (I hope I can say that here, I guess I'll find out) Show him, don't tell him but show him that he's not on the hook to perform, but that you love him and just want that closeness.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have to be the dutiful wife and please him even when he's being a butthead, I'm just saying that if you want things to change, you'll have to be the one to start changing things.

    If he goes a week or two of that kind of behavior with no changes, or if he gets even more defensive, you may have to face the fact that his sex drive is just different than yours.
  • Curious3D
    Curious3D Posts: 23 Member
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    Whoa. I wrote a freaking novel. :/
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
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    Don't listen to the people saying "schedule it". Nothing will kill his interest more than having it scheduled.

    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but is he often seeing you in less than flattering sweats, t-shirts, etc? I don't want to make assumptions but sometimes our comfy lounging clothes are less than inspiring, kwim? Just a thought.. That's not to say sexy clothes have to be uncomfortable.
    I agree that the supply-demand aspect comes into play as well.
  • toomuchbootyindapants
    toomuchbootyindapants Posts: 811 Member
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    I'm married too and although I have no children I get the whole 'responsibility" thing however sometimes you just have to make time for sex, even if it means scheduling it in your sexy time. In all honesty it sounds like the two of you need therapy and I'm not saying that to be rude either. If this is an issue and you've talked about it then perhaps some professional intervention may be what you need or perhaps it's something else. He could have low testosterone or some other underlying issue that you're not aware of..

    Are you for hire? You seem to have all the answers...yet I don't recall asking for help in this thread, just sharing my experience. *shrugs* We're already aware of what's causing our little issue, but thank you for your concern. :flowerforyou:
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    I've been married since 1999, together since 1996. I don't know what kind of marriages your friends have, but let me just say...my husband never is too tired.
  • BigBrewski
    BigBrewski Posts: 922 Member
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    I have lots of questions.

    First, looking at the math you said 5 times a week before the move and now it is twice a week and on the weekend. Assuming weekend is 2 days isn't that 4 times a week?

    Second, when you weren't living together did you have sex all the time anytime or was it on certain days at certain times? When your living together things come up and all of a sudden it is an hour past when you wanted to goto sleep and well sometimes sleep is more important than sex (not to me of course I alway choose sex, but I have learned well young jedi)

    Third, try setting the alarm 30 minutes early and offer to help him with the morning wood. Send him some naught texts so when he gets home at night he is ready to go.

    Fourth, COMMUNICATION. Simply tell him you are a gal that needs it x times a week and he needs to step up. Tell him that he needs to be a little more romantic if needed, tell him how you are feeling and make sure that you are looking at him eye to eye and that sportscenter is not on in the background. (yes, young jedi men can tune anything out if sportscenter is on ANY TV in the room why do you think we love sports bars??)

    Just my 2 Cents!!!!
  • sarahisme18
    sarahisme18 Posts: 574 Member
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    I really HATE when people say that it is "just how it is" if you are married, and that getting married kills your sex drive.


    NO. Not true.


    What IS true is that it takes work, just like all other aspects of your relationship, to find a rhythm that you are both comfortable with and that fits into your life—which includes how often you see each other, if you live together, etc. There are many different factors.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    No, it doesn't have to be that way.

    I'd say the most likely reason is that you're spending less time "together", like you would when you were visiting each other. I remember when my boyfriend and I weren't living together yet. When he would visit me, it'd be on a day off of ours, we'd spend all day in bed together (not all day having sex) but the closeness of being in bed together, cuddling, watching films etc meant that it happened at least once each day that I saw him! Now, the days when we spend all day in bed together are less frequent, because we spend every day together, there's no "visiting" each other, no excitement of seeing the other person for the first time in a few days, no planning of what we'll do together that day. So the time together is more spontaneous, when we just happen to both be randomly up for it! (which is less often) rather than from a planned day together being close. No, we never planned the sex (I think that's a bit of a romance killer) but we planned the time, and that leads to sex, usually.

    Maybe arrange a date evening together. I'm assuming you don't have kids yet? Go away for the weekend when you're both off work, or plan a morning in bed, cuddling and watching movies. I guarantee, stuff will happen!
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    give him a little more than 6 weeks to get used to you not leaving and going home.
  • dansls1
    dansls1 Posts: 309 Member
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    Ok, so before we talk about sex - is there really a place called Cornfield, Iowa?

    Anyway - getting married and having kids does not preclude having a healthy sex life. The problem is you need to make it a priority. There's plenty of advice out there of out to keep things spicy - but they take a little work. Not a lot, but some work.
  • DBiddle69
    DBiddle69 Posts: 682 Member
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    *grumbles* - together with my man for 14+ years - I'm lucky to get laid on the weekends. I'd take it everyday if I could. Ohhh if I'm a realllly good girl (or pretty much just "take it") - I might get a mid-week romp. Marriage sucks (and guys - sorry, but it's not always the women who are "too tired, have a headache, wah wah wahhhh" - sometimes its members of your own group). :P

    I need your phone number...hell I need to know where you live...are you sure you are not ME??
  • BaconMD
    BaconMD Posts: 1,165 Member
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    Thats how marriage is

    LOL

    No, it's not.
  • MandaJean83
    MandaJean83 Posts: 677 Member
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    Having a good sex life takes work. I find that it waxes and wanes...it'll be hot and frequent for a few weeks, and then we get busy (we are both working full time, going to school at night part time, and taking care of his kids on the weekends) and it fades for a few weeks.

    I think you just have to talk about it and work on it. Sex is part of a healthy relationship, but just because you're having it 5x a week doesn't mean the relationship is healthy, nor does having it twice a month mean it's unhealthy. You just gotta make it a priority! :) And as someone above said, a little sexy lingerie on a girl never hurts...and a clean shaven, freshly showered man wearing a hint of cologne can do wonders for a woman's urges. :blushing:
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    You need to snap yourself out of it. It sounds like you just got too comfortable. If you want it, you'll make it happen.
    Make it a point to spend time together. Just because you're in the same house, doesn't mean you're together. If one of you is on your laptop and the other one is watching TV in the evenings, you're not together. You still need to "date"... if you loose the boyfriend/girlfriend feeling, then you have to work to get it back.

    Being married or "married" as absolutely NOTHING to do with a lack of sex. That's self-inflicted and the spouse is just being used as an excuse. I've been married for almost 8 years, together for 10 and we have an awesome love life. We've had rough patches but we've never gotten *that* sort of comfortable where it's just like "Meh... sex is there if I want it." That's no good.

    This. Getting married/moving in is just an excuse, and not a very good one at that. No complaints about frequency in my marriage. If anything it has increased the longer we've been together.
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,358 Member
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    Gotta love the stereo type of marriage. While my husband and I had our fair share before marriage, I think we are more active now than ever before. Maybe 2 days a week that we don't have sex and 1 week out of the month we don't have sex.
  • jlowensby
    jlowensby Posts: 142
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    Spice it up....romance him for a change. I can be the same way, wanting him to make all the moves...but I find out if I take the initiative and sex him up he loves it and it works out great for me!
  • Midnight_Sunshine
    Midnight_Sunshine Posts: 369 Member
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    Try approaching him in the evening after work BEFORE bedtime.

    If you are always trying to initiate once you are already in bed to go to sleep then it's no shock when he turns you down. Bed = sleepy time for our brains so it is totally viable that he is actually too tired to have sex.

    Maybe the problem is not that he is no longer hungry for sex but rather you have fallen into a boring routine. Anything, even sex, can become boring if it's just part of a nightly schedule.

    Brush teeth, bed, 10 minutes of TV, sex, sleep.

    :yawn: :yawn: :yawn: :yawn:

    Don't turn sex into another chore for him.
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