so tired of this battle- an honest "off my chest"
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SkinnyNatasha13
Posts: 10
I have been trying to lose weight for...wait for it..... 6 years 
I am exhausted. I stick to a regime for a month then fall off the wagon for a month. Go back on for a month, fall back off for a month. This has been going on for SIX years. I feel so tired. I have yo-yoed, tried extreme diets and NOTHING has worked. I feel so miserable although I pretend to be happy with everyone around me. I feel like a whale. I avoid shops like the plague and when I am forced into one and see that nothing fits I bawl my eyes out. Is this really all worth it for food??
I love food. Food is my friend. It instantly makes my day better and depriving myself makes my day 100 times worse. My mum and dad always comment on my weight even though they have no right to. They are the ones who destroyed me. When they were married I was a skinny little thing. Then my mum took me away and the next year I ballooned into this chubby child.
I managed to lose 40 pounds as a teenager by starving myself. I remember having pains in my stomach at school because I was so hungry.
Then I had some personal problems and ballooned up to 207 pounds which is what I am now. I have been going up and down on the scale for 6 years but I always add on a bit more.
I just have to get motivated and do this- not for a month, for a year. I need to lose 70 pounds. I need to make a lifestyle change. My boyfriend and I are living with my dad at the moment who is a complete slob, so I try and avoid going into the kitchen and i stick to my bedroom upstairs. This makes cooking a healthy meal even harder. We spend an entire day cleaning the kitchen so it is all nice and by the following day there is cigarette ash in the sink, onions on the floor, mud everywhere, you get the picture. We have tried talking to him but he just wont listen.
On the positive side I am setting up my own business so I will be out of the house most of the day starting in a few weeks. I will have a small hotel sized fridge there so I was thinking I could prepare all my meals out of the house.
I am so sorry to ramble I just have to get all this off my chest.
My boyfriend wants to get engaged to me and I keep telling him to wait until I am thin. I will be devastated if I am a chubby bride. Some women carry weight beautifully but not me. I just look like a whale. I have been putting off so many things because of my weight. And i know some of you will say stop putting things off just live your life but I cant the way I am. Even my clothes make me feel uncomfortable. My belly is so big anything i wear makes it hang. My bra always digs in where my belly starts and since I have E cupped breasts I can't wear looser fitting bras as they are too bloody heavy!!
I am not normally this negative I just need to really get everything out and maybe it will help me finally live my life, lose this weight and be happy.
I feel so unwanted as a woman as well. I know my boyfriend loves me but there is a difference between love and attraction. And how can he be attracted to me the way I am? I am fat. there is no hiding this fact. I don't think any man can be turned on my a big belly and fat bingo wing arms
To make things worse this stupid perfectionist little brain of mine keeps saying to me that even if i lose all this weight i will be left with loose skin on my tummy and arms and it will look just as unattractive. I am living my own personal nightmare I know I could have plastic surgery but with my work circumstances there is no way I could afford to take the time off
I could really use some words of encouragement as you can probably tell
I am exhausted. I stick to a regime for a month then fall off the wagon for a month. Go back on for a month, fall back off for a month. This has been going on for SIX years. I feel so tired. I have yo-yoed, tried extreme diets and NOTHING has worked. I feel so miserable although I pretend to be happy with everyone around me. I feel like a whale. I avoid shops like the plague and when I am forced into one and see that nothing fits I bawl my eyes out. Is this really all worth it for food??I love food. Food is my friend. It instantly makes my day better and depriving myself makes my day 100 times worse. My mum and dad always comment on my weight even though they have no right to. They are the ones who destroyed me. When they were married I was a skinny little thing. Then my mum took me away and the next year I ballooned into this chubby child.
I managed to lose 40 pounds as a teenager by starving myself. I remember having pains in my stomach at school because I was so hungry.
Then I had some personal problems and ballooned up to 207 pounds which is what I am now. I have been going up and down on the scale for 6 years but I always add on a bit more.
I just have to get motivated and do this- not for a month, for a year. I need to lose 70 pounds. I need to make a lifestyle change. My boyfriend and I are living with my dad at the moment who is a complete slob, so I try and avoid going into the kitchen and i stick to my bedroom upstairs. This makes cooking a healthy meal even harder. We spend an entire day cleaning the kitchen so it is all nice and by the following day there is cigarette ash in the sink, onions on the floor, mud everywhere, you get the picture. We have tried talking to him but he just wont listen.
On the positive side I am setting up my own business so I will be out of the house most of the day starting in a few weeks. I will have a small hotel sized fridge there so I was thinking I could prepare all my meals out of the house.
I am so sorry to ramble I just have to get all this off my chest.
My boyfriend wants to get engaged to me and I keep telling him to wait until I am thin. I will be devastated if I am a chubby bride. Some women carry weight beautifully but not me. I just look like a whale. I have been putting off so many things because of my weight. And i know some of you will say stop putting things off just live your life but I cant the way I am. Even my clothes make me feel uncomfortable. My belly is so big anything i wear makes it hang. My bra always digs in where my belly starts and since I have E cupped breasts I can't wear looser fitting bras as they are too bloody heavy!!
I am not normally this negative I just need to really get everything out and maybe it will help me finally live my life, lose this weight and be happy.
I feel so unwanted as a woman as well. I know my boyfriend loves me but there is a difference between love and attraction. And how can he be attracted to me the way I am? I am fat. there is no hiding this fact. I don't think any man can be turned on my a big belly and fat bingo wing arms
To make things worse this stupid perfectionist little brain of mine keeps saying to me that even if i lose all this weight i will be left with loose skin on my tummy and arms and it will look just as unattractive. I am living my own personal nightmare
I know I could have plastic surgery but with my work circumstances there is no way I could afford to take the time offI could really use some words of encouragement as you can probably tell
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Replies
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I have suddenly had a problem dropping lbs, my forties have resulted in weight gain. I don't believe in diets for all the reasons you just mentioned. But, at the advice of my MD, I hired a dietitian, we calculated my actual BMR and my actual exercise routines. Both had dropped since forty. Two weeks ago I started tracking my diet here and being more religious with my workouts. Since I am not dieting I have no cravings and at 1800 calories I day I can eat pretty much what I normally eat with slightly smaller portions and spreading the food out to 5 or 6 portions, the most coming at breakfast. So I wold suggest you get engaged set a date for next fall , meet with a nutritionist for a workable plan and meet your goal. Slow and steady is much better than yo-yoing.0
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Friend request sent
Exercising will help tone up your bingo wings as you lose weight0 -
You can ramble if you want to. That is what this site is for. You have stuff in your past as we all do. What you need to do is focus onthe fact your boyfriend loves you as you are. You need to love yourself also. Did you cut out all the foods you like in those months and then went back? I don't know but just cut your portion size. Although there are lots of people on this site who criticize everyone who eats something "unclean". I eat any food s I want just in smaller amounts. That is what a person who has had gastric bypass, or lapband hasve to eventually do. Cutting it out altogether usually pre-empts a binge. I do not eat any foods I do not like just because it is healthy. I have increased my exercise. You can do this. Don't be discouraged.0
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Have you spoken to a doctor about your relationship with food? Food isn't your friend... It's just food...
You need to look at making small lifestyle changes instead of going on and falling off diets... Diets do not work! You are proof of that yourself!0 -
Thanks Everyone. Holly- I have tried both. I have cut out things completely and that just seems to make it worse, or I eat things i like in small portions but then I feel that I am being unhealthy and i fail. I set myself up to fail this is the truth. Being a perfectionist doesn't help as I have this all or nothing mentality. I need to change and I know. As for exercise I tried doing the couch to 5 k for 3 weeks but my fitness levels were not going up and I felt like I wanted to die every time. I need to stop being a quitter. I know this and it makes me feel so bad 0
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Well, I have some good news for you -
1) You are in the right place. Lots of us on here know exactly how you feel. Some of us have moved ahead, some of us not so much. Look around and you will find someone (likely more than one) who is in about the same place on a similar journey. Partner with them to support each other.
2) You have found the single best way to lose weight. You have already found a bunch of things that don't work - now try one that does and has research to back it up. Research shows that just logging your food is the key factor in losing weight....it actually doubles the weight loss. Here is a link - http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080708080738.htm
3) You have learned that diets don't work. I wish I had learned that at your age
No need to deprive yourself...it's all about choices.
4) Remember - you are someone's goal weight! I can't wait to get to where you are today. Will that be the end of my road, no...but a huge milestone for me. I know others that feel the same about my weight.0 -
There are a lot of people here to help and support you!
One thing that I read that made me sad about your story is that you don't want to get engaged until you get thin. I recently got engaged (well, ok, a year ago), and we've been trying to save up money to have a wedding. And then I realized that the reasons why we want to get married have absolutely nothing to do with a dress, photos, cake, or any of that other happy horsecrap that just sucks up your money. I guess the point is that when you decide you want to get married, it should be because you want to make a commitment to someone for life. It's so much more than what you'll look like on your wedding day. Whether you're thin, or chubby, or whatever -- your marriage is the most beautiful thing about that day!
Add me as a friend if you'd like to, and good luck to you with everything. :flowerforyou:0 -
It will be easier this time because you're not going to do anything extreme. Make little changes and stay the course; weight is not gained in a day or a week nor is it lost in a day or a week. Crash diets do not function and they reinforce the inaccurate thought that weight loss is difficult and unpleasant.
Weight loss does not need to be difficult; it is not unpleasant - as a matter of fact, as you progress, you will feel better and better, physically as well as psychologically.
You'll have to give some things up, but once you realize how those things have been sabotaging your life, you won't miss them.
Welcome, and congratulations on deciding to change your life!0 -
Hey there beauty,
Your honesty and vulnerability are amazing. It allows for everyone else to be vulnerable as well, so thank you I too, have struggled in a body that I felt was not mine, doing the yo-you thing on and off for many many years -- a decade almost. I thought that willpower was the answer. I used to wake up and eat in the middle of the night, and think about food 24 hours a day. One of the major turning points for me was when I learned the correlation between being a highly sensitive person and the propensity to overeat. Food became an escape route for a world that felt too much too handle. Since learning how to thrive with my sensitivity -- food is no longer an issue. I honestly never thought there would come a day were I would forget to eat. But I promise, It's possible. I totally understand the depths of food obsession which is why I have decided to dedicate my life to showing others a way out of food hell. If you wanted to check out some more information, please feel free to visit my site: www.katestefans.com. I would love to be there for you in any capacity I can.
Much love to you and good luck starting your own business.
xoxox
-Kate0 -
You said everything I feel! I fly to work every week and its painful because I'm so fat. I know I have to do something, I'm on cholesterol meds and my triglycerides are too high. I eat because it makes me feel good and then I feel awful afterwards. I think I have hit rock bottom - so there is only way out of this and its up. I signed up to do a 5k in May of 2013 (been on my bucket list for 30 years!).
When I track my food on here consistently - I lose weight - plain and simple. I haven't tracked for a long time and I am going to track again.
I too hate going into shops and I really hate that I'm missing out on all that - so here is to both of us getting this weight off for good!
I agree with the gentleman - if your boyfriend loves you and wants to get engaged - I say go for it - walk your way into the dress of your dreams!0 -
Maybe you are looking for too much too fast. Try finding out how many calories you get every day if you set your goal to one pound a week. If you are eating an amount every day that you don't feel deprived you will stick with it. A pound a week will be 52 pounds at the end of the year. Almost your goal. Don't forget you will look and feel better and better along the way. It may seem like a long time when think about it, but think of it like this. If you did this 6 years ago, you would have been where you want to be 4 years ago. Good luck. We all need to find out what works for us. We are never truly a failure till we stop trying.0
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It sounds like you got some dysfunctional relationships in your life- with food, with your parents, and most importantly with yourself. I personally would recommend talking to a therapist, because all the dieting in the world isn't going to work until you're really ready for it, and it doesn't sound like you are yet. I know you can get there, and I can tell you're really motivated to do this. However, you seem to be treating food like the enemy, while also approaching it like a good friend. Food is fuel. You need it to live, but you don't need it to make you happy. You also seem to be associating food and dieting with your family, and using those relationships as roadblocks. I don't know what kind of financial situation you have, but if you have the means, why not try getting your own place? I think moving into an environment you can control would help remove some of those roadblocks like a dirty kitchen and unsupportive father. I honestly think talking to a therapist who specializes in this kind of stuff- dieting, food, relationships, maybe even eating disorders (not that you have one, but you do think about eating in a disordered way)- would really help you get to the root of your problems, and help you come up with ways to take control of your life and your relationship with food. I wish you the best of luck, and I know you'll get there 0
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OMG I can so relate to your story!! I have been going through pretty much the same thing for the last 5 years!! When i was younger i could lose weight like crazy, i just had to put my mind to it and BOOM, it happened! However since quitting smoking about 5 years ago, I ballooned up to 198 lbs!!! I was so miserable. If you look at my ticker its not very impressive, but I have to keep looking at the big picture.....im now at 170 thats 28 lbs down, but it has taken forever!! I too start over every week, every month, every day.......what i have learned here, is that sucess comes to those who are consistant! Dont ever give up on yourself, I havent, and I am determined to get to 155, even if it takes me another year!! Ill still be further ahead than when i started.!:bigsmile: Ill be happy to "friend" ya.....we can do this! 0
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I know this will sound really simple but i have to look at it one day a at time. Make sure you log the food you are eating and it will hopefully get easier. I have found a lot of my strength from the MFP community. I sent you a friend request
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As some of the others have said this is a support group & we each have our issues. Finding someone that has had lots of success that was at a similar weight 7 similar size does help. Look on the message boards for post of pictures etc. of success stories & when you find someone that inspires you , send them a friend request & tell them why. What works for one will not work for everyone, but something will work. Keeping a diary to see what you really eat & finding something for exercise that you enjoy & will do are key. I wish you all the best!0
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It sounds like you are tying self-worth to body size, and that isn't fair to yourself or to anyone else! I was wearing a size 6/8 when my husband proposed to me, but by the time I was wearing that wedding gown it was MUCH bigger because I had medical problems that forced me to quit martial arts and my weight ballooned after that. I was disappointed not to be thin anymore, but I still felt like a lovely bride and I knew that the most important thing about our wedding day was the two of us getting married, and nothing else mattered more than that. So now I am on my way (VERY slowly) back down in size, and the only thing changing is my body. My husband still loves me, life in general still has ups and downs, and the sun still rises every single morning, no matter whether I have kept within my calorie limits or not the day before.
You have found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. That should mean that you would love each other even through the very worst of times-- even if one of you became paralyzed in an accident or got cancer or something like that. How is being overweight so horrible that you are not eligible for marriage? It isn't! Quit punishing yourself for being heavy!
Set yourself a goal for nice, slow loss and continue enjoying food but watch over your portions and log things faithfully here. You can gradually get to be a healthy weight and not feel like you have to torture yourself. You can look lovely in a wedding dress at any size, and you and your spouse can go on this journey of getting healthy together.
Welcome to MFP!0 -
i just joined ! and guess i feel pretty much like you ! i do lose the pounds but its a constant battle and like you get very tired thats why i joined this forum and from the replies ive had so far theres a lot of understanding people on here .0
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I have been trying to lose weight for...wait for it..... 6 years I am exhausted. I stick to a regime for a month then fall off the wagon for a month. Go back on for a month, fall back off for a month. This has been going on for SIX years. I feel so tired. I have yo-yoed, tried extreme diets and NOTHING has worked. I feel so miserable although I pretend to be happy with everyone around me. I feel like a whale. I avoid shops like the plague and when I am forced into one and see that nothing fits I bawl my eyes out. Is this really all worth it for food??
I love food. Food is my friend. It instantly makes my day better and depriving myself makes my day 100 times worse. My mum and dad always comment on my weight even though they have no right to. They are the ones who destroyed me. When they were married I was a skinny little thing. Then my mum took me away and the next year I ballooned into this chubby child.
I managed to lose 40 pounds as a teenager by starving myself. I remember having pains in my stomach at school because I was so hungry.
Then I had some personal problems and ballooned up to 207 pounds which is what I am now. I have been going up and down on the scale for 6 years but I always add on a bit more.
I just have to get motivated and do this- not for a month, for a year. I need to lose 70 pounds. I need to make a lifestyle change. My boyfriend and I are living with my dad at the moment who is a complete slob, so I try and avoid going into the kitchen and i stick to my bedroom upstairs. This makes cooking a healthy meal even harder. We spend an entire day cleaning the kitchen so it is all nice and by the following day there is cigarette ash in the sink, onions on the floor, mud everywhere, you get the picture. We have tried talking to him but he just wont listen.
On the positive side I am setting up my own business so I will be out of the house most of the day starting in a few weeks. I will have a small hotel sized fridge there so I was thinking I could prepare all my meals out of the house.
I am so sorry to ramble I just have to get all this off my chest.
My boyfriend wants to get engaged to me and I keep telling him to wait until I am thin. I will be devastated if I am a chubby bride. Some women carry weight beautifully but not me. I just look like a whale. I have been putting off so many things because of my weight. And i know some of you will say stop putting things off just live your life but I cant the way I am. Even my clothes make me feel uncomfortable. My belly is so big anything i wear makes it hang. My bra always digs in where my belly starts and since I have E cupped breasts I can't wear looser fitting bras as they are too bloody heavy!!
I am not normally this negative I just need to really get everything out and maybe it will help me finally live my life, lose this weight and be happy.
I feel so unwanted as a woman as well. I know my boyfriend loves me but there is a difference between love and attraction. And how can he be attracted to me the way I am? I am fat. there is no hiding this fact. I don't think any man can be turned on my a big belly and fat bingo wing arms
To make things worse this stupid perfectionist little brain of mine keeps saying to me that even if i lose all this weight i will be left with loose skin on my tummy and arms and it will look just as unattractive. I am living my own personal nightmare I know I could have plastic surgery but with my work circumstances there is no way I could afford to take the time off
I could really use some words of encouragement as you can probably tell
All I heard out of this blah blah blah was it is "my parents fault I am fat" actually it is your fault you are an adult stand up and take action.
Words of encouragement see a therapist change your life you are the only one who can0 -
Thank you everyone so so much! I wish I had the means to get my own place but finances are also at rock bottom at the moment. Otherwise I would definitely seek counselling. I did have a few sessions a couple of years back but at 40 pounds a session I just could not afford it. I just have to make the best of the situation really. I will start logging on every day and tracking my food and as you said take one day at a time...0
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All I heard out of this blah blah blah was it is "my parents fault I am fat" actually it is your fault you are an adult stand up and take action.
Words of encouragement see a therapist change your life you are the only one who can
[/quote]
Wow. I guess that is what you get from opening up. Bla bla bla? I am pouring out my soul on the internet.
I would see a therapist if i could afford it but at the moment I can't afford it- and this is not an excuse it is the truth.
And actually parents are a lot to blame for their children. I should have come out of this as a misbehaving kid working in bars and getting up to no good. Instead I got an education and a Masters degree and am now starting my own business. So i am not saying that just because my parents did not give me a good childhood that it is their fault for everything, but it is something that leaves scares, and my issues with food is probably the biggest scar as I grew up seeking love and comfort in food.0
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