Wish he understood
flyersrule17a
Posts: 54 Member
I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.
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He more-than-likely doesn't mean anything by it, and he may even be joking around or, as you said, trying to motivate you. Try not to take it to heart, as guys don't take criticism and joking about "personal things" the same as women.
My boyfriend knows that I am very, very self-conscious about my weight. Still, it never fails that if I take a bite of something unhealthy he makes a comment, "I guess you really don't want to lose weight, do you?" or "Fatty." He's joking, and I know he is and I do understand he's being light-hearted...but it does suck.
Just keep your chin up. Try to talk to him and tell him that it really doesn't help you, and only makes you more inclined to fail. Maybe he'll realize that he's only hurting you in the process of helping you/joking around.0 -
Hugs to you! I don't have much to say other than maybe sitting him down and having a good heart to heart talk so that he knows it isn't motivating. Guys do operate in a different manner with social stuff than women, so maybe he just doesn't realize what he is doing. Tell him what IS motivating to you...perhaps him noticing that there is less to hug, that the pants fit better, going for a walk WITH you, encouraging you over the hard parts, helping you find success stories for motivation (preferably people with the same medical conditions,) cooking meals that fit into your diet plan....0
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my late husband was a drinker with a temper but in the 25 years we were married he never insulted me about my weight.0
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Hugs to you! I don't have much to say other than maybe sitting him down and having a good heart to heart talk so that he knows it isn't motivating. Guys do operate in a different manner with social stuff than women, so maybe he just doesn't realize what he is doing. Tell him what IS motivating to you...perhaps him noticing that there is less to hug, that the pants fit better, going for a walk WITH you, encouraging you over the hard parts, helping you find success stories for motivation (preferably people with the same medical conditions,) cooking meals that fit into your diet plan....
Yup, I totally agree with this. Men (in general, not all) tend not to get subtle cues so you really do need to talk to him about things like this if you want them to change. There's a good chance he may not even realize how he's talking to you so have specific examples in mind and also come up with some ideas on how you'd rather him encourage you to do things.0 -
Coming from the other side of the story, my hubby is very overweight. He often comments on how he wishes he could lose weight, how he'd like to able to do more things with me because I am very active, etc. Then I sit with him as he eats a bag of chips, inhales the large pizza, has a cereal bowl of ice cream and can't walk up the stairs without gasping for air.
If I make a comment about maybe not eating all the pizza, or having a small scoop of ice cream, not getting the Baconator combo then I'm nagging and picking on him. It's hard to hear someone say they want to be healthier then watch them do everything to not be.
My feeling is that if he cared about our family he would make an effort to lose the weight so he doesn't die young, become disabled and he'll be able to participate with us in activities. There can be a lot of hurt on both sides.0 -
No one should be belittling a SO over eating when they are fighting weight. The nice thing about this program is that you can eat any damned thing you want. Just make sure you log it. Guys, me included, sometimes need the proverbial smack to the head to start the listening brain cells. So get their attention, tell how their comments make you feel, and remember.... This is for you! If you are doing it for anyone else, you're doing it wrong!
P.S. Sometimes the SO can be a girl too...
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Coming from the other side of the story, my hubby is very overweight. He often comments on how he wishes he could lose weight, how he'd like to able to do more things with me because I am very active, etc. Then I sit with him as he eats a bag of chips, inhales the large pizza, has a cereal bowl of ice cream and can't walk up the stairs without gasping for air.
If I make a comment about maybe not eating all the pizza, or having a small scoop of ice cream, not getting the Baconator combo then I'm nagging and picking on him. It's hard to hear someone say they want to be healthier then watch them do everything to not be.
My feeling is that if he cared about our family he would make an effort to lose the weight so he doesn't die young, become disabled and he'll be able to participate with us in activities. There can be a lot of hurt on both sides.
Guilty! I was basically the same way. Great shape in the service. Retired and couldn't find a job. Started eating (stress eater) and for years I kept *****ing about my weight while my wife (Cardiac Nurse) and my Doctors kept telling I needed to loose weight. Half assed tried several diets, but fell off the frig every time. Then one day I saw a picture of myself and my face was round and I was looking to have to buy XXXL shirts. That was my wake-up call. I wasn't going to loose the weight until I was ready. In Feb of this year, was ready!
Hopefully, your hubby will get his wake up call without it being a major medical issue.0 -
In a relationship communication is required on both sides to make it work. Some people are not so good at reading minds and knowing what their partners need thus if something your S/O is doing is hurting you then it unfortunately will be up to you to communicate that to them. Keep it non-accusatory.. "when you say <this> it makes me feel.." Don't say "you don't care", "you are trying to hurt me" etc.. Just lay out the facts and hopefully it will just be a simple case of the other person not even realizing that their words/ actions / in-actions are causing you pain.
It sucks to not feel the type of support that you are looking for *hugs*0 -
it would be great if he was more supportive of you and made you feel the way you wish he would. I could never be with someone who made me feel worse about myself. Since you are married to the guy its something you need to accept about him or try to make him understand to change his behavior. If that is not possible then you need to change the way you look at things.
Try to motivate yourself to shut him up. Dont give him reasons to put you down ( eventhough he shouldnt be doing that to begin with). Do this for you. You have to change the way you look at yourself. Hopefully that will change the way he looks at you.0 -
Honestly, when I read your post it doesn't sound like your weight is all due to medical issues. Unless clinical depression is the issue of which you speak. Being an emotional eater and wanting to pig out at McDonald's because your husband suggests you exercise and eat better is signs of an eating disorder.
I don't know your husband or your situation, but it sounds like you might be using his concern for you as an excuse to eat and remain overweight. Perhaps your husband sees you spiraling out of control and is trying to help. If it's not helpful, speak to him and suggest ways he can help you. But if cares about you, he probably won't (and IMO shouldn't) just ignore it. 'Loving you no matter what your weight' does not mean he should watch you kill yourself with food.0 -
I would just let him know how you feel. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be hurting you.
I started p90x for the third time last week. The first 2 times I made it 2-3 weeks before quitting. I told my husband to help keep me motivated and to not let me skip a day. He asks me almost every day when he gets home if I worked out that day. Depending on my mood, I sometimes get really irritated by it and feel like he's asking me because he thinks I need to work out. Really he is asking me because he's trying to help, which is what I told him to do.0 -
It's tough to believe that your husband, who obviously loves you (since he married you!) would be so cruel intentionally. I know some people just are, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt. That said, I agree with other posters that you need to talk with him and explain to him as logically as possible why his comments are unhelpful and hurtful to you. It may be that he just doesn't understand that his comments are hurting you and not helping.
Talk with him. Share your feelings without attacking him, and tell him what you need him to do instead of making hurtful comments. Explain to him how he can replace his nasty comments with ones that are supportive and encouraging to you. That way you're giving him something he CAN do instead of just asking him NOT to do something.0 -
Realize its hard for him to tell you that you need to make changes. But if you cant trust your husband to tell you the truth, who can you trust?
DO you need to exercise more and care about your health? The answer to this question is more important than reacting to the method in which the message was delivered.0 -
Honestly, when I read your post it doesn't sound like your weight is all due to medical issues. Unless clinical depression is the issue of which you speak. Being an emotional eater and wanting to pig out at McDonald's because your husband suggests you exercise and eat better is signs of an eating disorder.
I don't know your husband or your situation, but it sounds like you might be using his concern for you as an excuse to eat and remain overweight. Perhaps your husband sees you spiraling out of control and is trying to help. If it's not helpful, speak to him and suggest ways he can help you. But if cares about you, he probably won't (and IMO shouldn't) just ignore it. 'Loving you no matter what your weight' does not mean he should watch you kill yourself with food.
ooohhh...Good answer, bcattoes. This was my thought as well.
The only person who any of us can change is ourselves. Using other peoples' behaviors as a reason to over-eat is just looking for an excuse for our own disfunctional behavior.
If the husband is actually cruel in other areas of life, that may be his problem - but as Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”0 -
I wish I had someone to ge on my case. By constantly telling Im beautiful and ignoring my weight problem he wasn't helping me. I was over 200 pounds and if I didnt wake up i'd be at least 250 by now at the rate I was going....even now he tells me I go overboard with the working out and constantly counting calories and he loves me the way I am...but I came to a realization I need to love what I see....whats my point?Love yourself the way you are and dont take his comments to heart.Men often dont mean to hurt our feelings they just say things the way it comes to them0
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This upsets me for many reasons.
One being that if your husband is so horrible as you say he is, it makes me question if this is even a suitable emotional relationship to be in.
Two, I can tell you from both sides that I know how you feel.
My family always told me how big i was and made comments about what i ate, how i ate, etc. I resented them for it until i realized that all they really wanted was for me to be healthy and happy and stop complaining about being overweight and actually lose weight. Now they've shut up about it (even though I still have maybe 15-20 lbs to go). They noticed i took the initiative and encourage me and compliment me all the time.
I also know what it is like on the other side because I was married to a man who had seriously horrible eating habits and although I loved him, I wanted him to love himself and take care of himself because it is extremely selfish to kill yourself with food when you have a family to think about.
Your husband wants you to stop complaining about your weight. Stop SAYING you're going to change and actually DO it. So stop feeling bad for yourself, stop having pity parties and wanting to eat more to feel better and change your life for YOU. Sorry if i sound a bit hard but you have to understand how frustrating it is to see and hear people say how bad they want to lose weight and then they do the same crap that got them to where they are now. You obviously talk alot about losing weight being that you're on this site. Stop talking and DO.
I've seen a lot of BIG girls who think they have no weight problem, think GOD made them this way (big and unhealthy) they SWEAR they're healthy as a horse and it's probably because they have people in their lives who tell them they're beautiful and perfect the way they are, and although that is nice to say it's not helping them.0 -
I used to overeat or eat bad things when upset, depressed, bored, you get the idea. So your husband isn't supportive, then do the right thing for you. More importantly, do the right things for your kids. We teach our kids how to eat and what to eat. So they need to see you taking care of yourself, eating healthy and excercising if you can. Reality is when we are overweight, we need to lose the weight for ourselves, not someone else. I tried for years to lose weight for my husband. It never worked. You can see by my trailer here that I am now losing weight for the first time in my life. I decided at age 55 to do something about the issue. Not for him, for me. My weight was causing me problems. We talked before I had the surgery, I made it crystal clear that if he wasn't going to be 100% supportive, it wasn't going to work. And you know what? After years of sabottagin me by bringing home things I shouldn't eat and couldn't leave alone, he got on board and has been one of my biggest supporters. I am doing this for me, it's the best thing I ever did for myself. Get healthy for yourself first and your kids second. Stop looking for his approval. This has to be about you or it just won't work.
PS - bet once you start doing this for you and he sees the positive changes, you will see some changes in him too.0 -
It has taken me forever to communicate effectively too my fiance that when it comes to losing weight, I have a plan in mind, and if I am doing Atkin's, and I choose to eat bacon, then I am going to eat bacon and I don't wish to hear about how bacon is not healthy and he thought I was on a diet. Or that right now I am tracking my calories, and if I am eating something that isn't very healthy (like ice cream) then I've budgeted for it, or have chosen to accept the consequences of eating said ice cream.
He no longer comments very much on the food I eat, nor does he respond with the typical 'that's all?" comment when I tell him how much weight i've lost (thank you biggest loser for convincing the male population that losing 8-10 pounds a week is pefectly achievable for a normal person who works full time and is going to school part time) and the words 'Good job!' and 'I'm proud of you' have actually made it into his vocabulary.
It honestly is about communication and letting them know just how badly those comments hurt and how demotivating it is. Good luck to you.0 -
Have you sat down with him and actually explained to him how his comments make you feel? He knows his comments are hurtful and if he doesn't he is an idiot. I'm sorry to say that but anyone making those comments knows how it is going to make someone feel.
If that were my husband and he didn't change his ways he wouldn't be my husband for long. Your spouse should be there to support you and make you feel better about yourself, not bring you down and make you feel worse. I'm glad my husband supports me even when I slip up. No matter what I say about myself he is the one to tell me that I'm beautiful and he loves me no matter my size. That is what he should be saying.
You need to lose weight for you and for no one else. People are hurtful. Don't let other people's comment hinder you from bettering yourself. Use the comments as motivation to proceed and make yourself better. Don't respond to his comments by eating or making other unhealthy choices.
Set a good example for your children. By not letting his comments hurt you, you are showing them not to let comments hurt them. Easier said than done I know but it's a good lesson for children. I hate to say it but if you have a daughter you need him to change what he says so she doesn't think that is how a husband speak to a wife. And if you have a son he needs to know that isn't how you speak to your wife. Your husband also needs to realize that if he makes those comments to you in front of your children.0 -
I use to find myself whining about my weight to my husband sometimes and how hard it is to lose weight. If I say something like that and then 30 minutes later I am cramming a donut in my mouth, he tends to say something. Usually something like don't whine to me and ask for help and then eat crap in front of me and not expect to hear about it.
Yes it hurt my feelings, yes I was mad. You know what else? It was TRUE.
And the comment about telling overweight people they are beautiful to make them feel better....NO
You can be beautiful on the inside and that should be said and cherished. But if you are significantly overweight there is not need for someone to tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are. For one, they don't really believe it and two, it is not going to help motivate you to lose weight if someone constantly tells you you look great when you are overweight.0 -
I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.
lose weight and get fit for yourself. not anybody else. you're young. you don't want to find yourself with weight-related health problems in your late 40's and early 50's. now is the time to prevent that.
so get started. do it for yourself. don't rely on your family for support when you can find lots of people here who understand all too well and would be happy to give you support. also, no excuses! i see alot of people use "medical conditions" as a crutch for not making changes to their lifestyle. the only person that can cause you to fail is you. once you decide that you won't let yourself fail... you won't. so just do it. get out there today and go for a long walk. do that as often as you can, and then you can eat a cheeseburger from time to time without any guilt.
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Honestly, when I read your post it doesn't sound like your weight is all due to medical issues. Unless clinical depression is the issue of which you speak. Being an emotional eater and wanting to pig out at McDonald's because your husband suggests you exercise and eat better is signs of an eating disorder.
I don't know your husband or your situation, but it sounds like you might be using his concern for you as an excuse to eat and remain overweight. Perhaps your husband sees you spiraling out of control and is trying to help. If it's not helpful, speak to him and suggest ways he can help you. But if cares about you, he probably won't (and IMO shouldn't) just ignore it. 'Loving you no matter what your weight' does not mean he should watch you kill yourself with food.
Yes, clinical depression is exactly what the medical issue is. I also suffer from General Anxiety Disorder. I also have such severe panic attacks that I actually pass out and/or convulse from them. I also have hypothyroidism that caused a 30 lb weight gain prior to discovering it. I do have a mild form of an eating disorder. Food has been my coping mechanism for a very long time. Some people use alcohol or drugs, I've always used food. I am seeking treatment for my issues, but in the meantime I just wish he would acknowledge the things I do right, like when I do chose to eat a salad or a healthy sandwich or go walking without being provoked to do it. I just felt earlier today that he was always nagging about the mistakes I make rather than praising the accomplishments. I have lost 8.6 lbs on my own this past month, but he still puts me down for it.0 -
Also, let me just clarify that my husband is not a cruel-hearted person. I know he loves me, I was just having a moment earlier when I made the original post. Yes, his comments about my weight hurt. We did talk and hopefully he understands now. I do think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just hurts. I'm not looking for him to kiss my butt or anything. I guess I just wish he'd point out my achievements instead of always focusing on my faults.0
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bump0
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My husband and I have always agreed to tell the other if he or she gets worryingly overweight and needs some gentle prodding to mend their ways.
I still don't think he ever would, though. There is a difference between saying "I'll take the kids if you want to do some exercise" or "What would you like from the veggie shop?" on the one hand, and being cruel: monitoring what you eat, making frankly unhelpful comments, calling you lazy (!)
I'm sorry, I do think your husband is being a total *kitten*.0 -
what does "bump" mean? I think I saw it in another discussion thread. Is it a suggestion by a moderator to stop the thread?0
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Some practical ideas for ya hope they help.
In one of the classic weight loss programmes I joined many years ago they took us through an exercise which was to think about and identify people in your life roughly into two categories purely in regard to your weight loss regime. Firstly work out all those people who you are confident can give you emotional support during your programme. They suggested to meet these people, talk with them and ask them to help you in whatever way you and they thought appropriate. This could be that when you meet they encourage you to go for the skinny latte instead of the mocha coffee with cream or you restrict wine to just one glass instead of ordering a bottle. Alternatively they could purely give you encouragement or moral support.
The other people are folk who are more likely to work against your weight loss goals. With regard to these people they simply recomended not telling them and not including them as part of your weight loss support network. Now for somene who knows that you are wanting to lose weight and that you have identified as counterproducitve to weight loss here is a suggestion.
I call it "a license to nag"
Here is how a license to nag works. With nagging there are two people the nagger and the lets says the naggee (victim if you like) Now it is the nagee who operates the license. In this case lets say you are the nagee and your husband is the nagger. You give him permission to nag you and you determine the nature of the nagging or the terms of nagging. You allow yourself to be nagged about things that you know that you can tolerate and do not mind. If the nagger fails to nag properly then you the nagee revoke the license and state clearly that you do not wish that person (hubby) to nag you any more on that specifc issue.
My girlfriend and I not only have used this concept but have had great fun with it, making jokes about potential revokation of various licenses that each of us hold to help each other through life. It gives us a way of talking about it and also allows us to shape the behaviour of those closest to us and those who can hurt us so easily because we love them so much.
try it
Happy nagging0 -
I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.
That could have been MY story last year.
the worst part was that *I* was unhappy with my size, but felt that I did not have the tools to do anything about it. It took a MAJOR hissy fit to get hubby to agree to get a YMCA membership so I would have the *tools* I needed to lose weight.
That was 10 months ago...just the other day I asked hubby if what he thought of the idea of me having defined muscles...and he said something to the effect of " I almost wouldn't mind if you stayed fat--that way I wouldn't have to worry about what you are doing" That really hurt. I've been heavy most of the 18 years he has known me, and he has harped on me for YEARS to get into better shape, and now he wants me to be fat because he thinks I am going to get *too hot* and cheat/leave him?! I got news for him...it isn't about him anymore. It is about ME, and I WANT to be hot, so that is what is going to happen.0 -
Also, let me just clarify that my husband is not a cruel-hearted person. I know he loves me, I was just having a moment earlier when I made the original post. Yes, his comments about my weight hurt. We did talk and hopefully he understands now. I do think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just hurts. I'm not looking for him to kiss my butt or anything. I guess I just wish he'd point out my achievements instead of always focusing on my faults.
I know what you mean. I finally started telling hubby "I don't need the diet police being critical of every bite I take" and "you don't know how much or how little I have eaten today, so HUSH".
I also distinctly remember getting SO mad at him because I had lost 15# and he had not noticed, but he was sitting there telling me about the weight loss/weight gain of a lady he sees like 2x a year. I told him how much that hurt me, and for a while he made sure to notice the sharper hip bones, etc that I was developing.0 -
what does "bump" mean? I think I saw it in another discussion thread. Is it a suggestion by a moderator to stop the thread?
It's people trying to push the topic back to the top. Not always sure why they feel the need to do so.....0
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