Wish he understood

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  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,735 Member
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    I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.

    lose weight and get fit for yourself. not anybody else. you're young. you don't want to find yourself with weight-related health problems in your late 40's and early 50's. now is the time to prevent that.

    so get started. do it for yourself. don't rely on your family for support when you can find lots of people here who understand all too well and would be happy to give you support. also, no excuses! i see alot of people use "medical conditions" as a crutch for not making changes to their lifestyle. the only person that can cause you to fail is you. once you decide that you won't let yourself fail... you won't. so just do it. get out there today and go for a long walk. do that as often as you can, and then you can eat a cheeseburger from time to time without any guilt. :smile:
  • flyersrule17a
    flyersrule17a Posts: 54 Member
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    Honestly, when I read your post it doesn't sound like your weight is all due to medical issues. Unless clinical depression is the issue of which you speak. Being an emotional eater and wanting to pig out at McDonald's because your husband suggests you exercise and eat better is signs of an eating disorder.

    I don't know your husband or your situation, but it sounds like you might be using his concern for you as an excuse to eat and remain overweight. Perhaps your husband sees you spiraling out of control and is trying to help. If it's not helpful, speak to him and suggest ways he can help you. But if cares about you, he probably won't (and IMO shouldn't) just ignore it. 'Loving you no matter what your weight' does not mean he should watch you kill yourself with food.

    Yes, clinical depression is exactly what the medical issue is. I also suffer from General Anxiety Disorder. I also have such severe panic attacks that I actually pass out and/or convulse from them. I also have hypothyroidism that caused a 30 lb weight gain prior to discovering it. I do have a mild form of an eating disorder. Food has been my coping mechanism for a very long time. Some people use alcohol or drugs, I've always used food. I am seeking treatment for my issues, but in the meantime I just wish he would acknowledge the things I do right, like when I do chose to eat a salad or a healthy sandwich or go walking without being provoked to do it. I just felt earlier today that he was always nagging about the mistakes I make rather than praising the accomplishments. I have lost 8.6 lbs on my own this past month, but he still puts me down for it.
  • flyersrule17a
    flyersrule17a Posts: 54 Member
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    Also, let me just clarify that my husband is not a cruel-hearted person. I know he loves me, I was just having a moment earlier when I made the original post. Yes, his comments about my weight hurt. We did talk and hopefully he understands now. I do think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just hurts. I'm not looking for him to kiss my butt or anything. I guess I just wish he'd point out my achievements instead of always focusing on my faults.
  • jkcrawford
    jkcrawford Posts: 435 Member
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    bump
  • SarahtheJillianfanatic
    SarahtheJillianfanatic Posts: 117
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    My husband and I have always agreed to tell the other if he or she gets worryingly overweight and needs some gentle prodding to mend their ways.

    I still don't think he ever would, though. There is a difference between saying "I'll take the kids if you want to do some exercise" or "What would you like from the veggie shop?" on the one hand, and being cruel: monitoring what you eat, making frankly unhelpful comments, calling you lazy (!)

    I'm sorry, I do think your husband is being a total *kitten*.
  • darrenmirfield
    darrenmirfield Posts: 5 Member
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    what does "bump" mean? I think I saw it in another discussion thread. Is it a suggestion by a moderator to stop the thread?
  • darrenmirfield
    darrenmirfield Posts: 5 Member
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    Some practical ideas for ya hope they help.

    In one of the classic weight loss programmes I joined many years ago they took us through an exercise which was to think about and identify people in your life roughly into two categories purely in regard to your weight loss regime. Firstly work out all those people who you are confident can give you emotional support during your programme. They suggested to meet these people, talk with them and ask them to help you in whatever way you and they thought appropriate. This could be that when you meet they encourage you to go for the skinny latte instead of the mocha coffee with cream or you restrict wine to just one glass instead of ordering a bottle. Alternatively they could purely give you encouragement or moral support.
    The other people are folk who are more likely to work against your weight loss goals. With regard to these people they simply recomended not telling them and not including them as part of your weight loss support network. Now for somene who knows that you are wanting to lose weight and that you have identified as counterproducitve to weight loss here is a suggestion.

    I call it "a license to nag"

    Here is how a license to nag works. With nagging there are two people the nagger and the lets says the naggee (victim if you like) Now it is the nagee who operates the license. In this case lets say you are the nagee and your husband is the nagger. You give him permission to nag you and you determine the nature of the nagging or the terms of nagging. You allow yourself to be nagged about things that you know that you can tolerate and do not mind. If the nagger fails to nag properly then you the nagee revoke the license and state clearly that you do not wish that person (hubby) to nag you any more on that specifc issue.

    My girlfriend and I not only have used this concept but have had great fun with it, making jokes about potential revokation of various licenses that each of us hold to help each other through life. It gives us a way of talking about it and also allows us to shape the behaviour of those closest to us and those who can hurt us so easily because we love them so much.

    try it

    Happy nagging
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
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    I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.

    That could have been MY story last year.

    the worst part was that *I* was unhappy with my size, but felt that I did not have the tools to do anything about it. It took a MAJOR hissy fit to get hubby to agree to get a YMCA membership so I would have the *tools* I needed to lose weight.

    That was 10 months ago...just the other day I asked hubby if what he thought of the idea of me having defined muscles...and he said something to the effect of " I almost wouldn't mind if you stayed fat--that way I wouldn't have to worry about what you are doing" That really hurt. I've been heavy most of the 18 years he has known me, and he has harped on me for YEARS to get into better shape, and now he wants me to be fat because he thinks I am going to get *too hot* and cheat/leave him?! I got news for him...it isn't about him anymore. It is about ME, and I WANT to be hot, so that is what is going to happen.
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
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    Also, let me just clarify that my husband is not a cruel-hearted person. I know he loves me, I was just having a moment earlier when I made the original post. Yes, his comments about my weight hurt. We did talk and hopefully he understands now. I do think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just hurts. I'm not looking for him to kiss my butt or anything. I guess I just wish he'd point out my achievements instead of always focusing on my faults.

    I know what you mean. I finally started telling hubby "I don't need the diet police being critical of every bite I take" and "you don't know how much or how little I have eaten today, so HUSH".

    I also distinctly remember getting SO mad at him because I had lost 15# and he had not noticed, but he was sitting there telling me about the weight loss/weight gain of a lady he sees like 2x a year. I told him how much that hurt me, and for a while he made sure to notice the sharper hip bones, etc that I was developing.
  • Mokey41
    Mokey41 Posts: 5,769 Member
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    what does "bump" mean? I think I saw it in another discussion thread. Is it a suggestion by a moderator to stop the thread?

    It's people trying to push the topic back to the top. Not always sure why they feel the need to do so.....
  • waldo56
    waldo56 Posts: 1,861 Member
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    My best guess is that your husband is in a catch-22 and doesn't know a way out.

    Given your posts its very likely that he has to deal with you hiding yourself, sefl-loathing, complaining about your weight, embarassed by yourself, and wishes to help, but at the same time he perceives that you really don't care all that much despite your lip service at times when you feel bad about your weight/self image, you only care when its convienient to care.

    Women seem to require a subtlety that many men can't grasp, he's trying to help you the best he knows how. Many men will repond best to their wife nagging them about being a fat pig that sits on his butt all day, repulsive without clothes, especially in the bedroom. That will motivate many/most men, and that is likely his basis for understanding how to motivate you. But this is so far from how women need to be motivated that he's just lost.
  • Retrograde_Orbit
    Retrograde_Orbit Posts: 16 Member
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    The trouble is, and it applies to so many things, not just dieting. It is always easier to point out the errors than to give credit where credit is due.

    I am as guilty of it as others.

    But I try not to overtly put my partner down. However if she asks me a question about how she looks, then I will tend to give an honest answer. It may not be what she wants to hear of course. So I usually end up getting into trouble!

    But I don't want to lie about things that have the potential to shorten ones life...
  • necie75
    necie75 Posts: 22
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    You should be doing it for you..not in hopes that he'll find you attractive.Try talking to him about it.My husband has always been good to me no matter how much weight i've gained.But I am my own worst enemy.I tend to over think things.Just do what you need to do to make YOU feel better.
  • JennaM222
    JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
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    I really wish my husband understood that telling me I'm lazy and that out of the whole family, I'm the one who really needs to go for a walk, isn't really motivating or helpful. In fact, it's hurtful and makes me less inclined to work on myself. He doesn't seem to get that I have medical conditions that have caused this weight gain. I've been dieting by calorie-restrictions, but I wish he didn't criticize me every time I decide to take my kids out to eat or have another slice of pizza at my son's birthday party [it was yesterday]. I think he thinks he's being helpful, but it just makes me feel belittled and insignificant. Whatever happened to loving me at any size, to making me feel beautiful. Why can't people understand that if you make a heavier person feel beautiful, that is actually the way to motivate them to be/do better. If you constantly beat me down, it just puts in my mind the question, "Why bother? He's not going to ever find me attractive." I'm just so hurt right now, and really just want to go stuff my face with a burger from McDonald's with my kids since I'm an emotional eater. But I know that if I do that, he'll just have something negative to say, and then I'll feel guilty all over again. I just feel pathetic, unwanted, unattractive, just overall unworthy and un-pretty. Sorry for the pity party, I just wish people would check their tongues and realize when they're really just causing more hurt and harm.

    Have this conversation with your Husband, not us :) good luck! If he is a good man, he will understand and encourage VS put you down.
  • darrenmirfield
    darrenmirfield Posts: 5 Member
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    what does "bump" mean? I think I saw it in another discussion thread. Is it a suggestion by a moderator to stop the thread?

    It's people trying to push the topic back to the top. Not always sure why they feel the need to do so.....

    Thanks very much, most helpful.

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