Yes another dating topic....
LittleBallofFurr
Posts: 242 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok, I know there are hundreds of people on here looking for dating advice...and now I am one of them 
I was married to my husband for five years. We have been seperated since April 2012 and are in process of divorce, which as some of you know, drags out forever. He was unfaithful with more than one woman and often accused me of being unfaithful. I never was. Anywho, this is where it sits. Im lonely, Im not looking for any bump or grind, just coffee, conversation, and a few laughs. Every time I even get approached by someone (which is a little on the rare side....its happened twice) I feel like I should just run the other way. I think its because of his accusations and the fact the divorce isnt finalized. Everyone is telling me, im fine, company will do me good. It just might. Am I being paranoid about not even going out for coffee and being friends with guys because of his false accusations? Honest answers are more than appreciated..
I was married to my husband for five years. We have been seperated since April 2012 and are in process of divorce, which as some of you know, drags out forever. He was unfaithful with more than one woman and often accused me of being unfaithful. I never was. Anywho, this is where it sits. Im lonely, Im not looking for any bump or grind, just coffee, conversation, and a few laughs. Every time I even get approached by someone (which is a little on the rare side....its happened twice) I feel like I should just run the other way. I think its because of his accusations and the fact the divorce isnt finalized. Everyone is telling me, im fine, company will do me good. It just might. Am I being paranoid about not even going out for coffee and being friends with guys because of his false accusations? Honest answers are more than appreciated..
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Yes.0
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Perhaps you're just not ready yet. After all, you are the hurt party, he cheated on you multiple times. You have to let yourself have time to adapt and actually grieve for the lost marriage. Don't force yourself to do what you aren't emotionally or mentally ready to do. When you're ready, you'll know. Hang in there. Put yourself first for a change. :flowerforyou:0
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you have to get back on the horse soon... you are still young so let the past be the past and get your life started again. you keep carrying the past around on your shoulders the stress will drive your looks, your fitness and your sanity in directions you dont want them to go. you dont want to be the 20 something mom at the soccer games looking like you are 70 because you are still holding on to a relationship that didnt work out0
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I wasn't ready to find my husband until I was happy being single. I think that's true for a lot of people. Don't rush it, but don't be afraid to have friends. You have a life, you have kids that need you. Don't forget they're going through a divorce too.0
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You are not ready yet..I would just enjoy your time with the kids ( Im assuming those are your kids) and friends.. You will know when you're ready to start dating.0
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I think you should be open-minded...but at the same time realize that the only time line you have to follow is your own. Trust your instincts, and when you're ready to "get back out there" you will. Its different for everyone.0
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You are not ready yet..I would just enjoy your time with the kids ( Im assuming those are your kids) and friends.. You will know when you're ready to start dating.
terrible advice next thing she knows the kids will be off to college and she will still not be ready... put the big girl panties on and hop back on the horse.0 -
Not reading all the previous replys. IMO: Wait until your divorce is final. Concentrate on yourself. Learn to be content within. Rely on your women friends for emotional support.0
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I agree with everyone here as well. Maybe you are just lonely. Not necessarily for a man but a person who understands the "sh*tty" situation that happenend to you. You got your world altered and you didn't ask for it. Something or someone will come along and you will know it is the right time. You can't force it.
Also, I would caution you to be very careful through your divorce process to not give your ex fuel for the divorce court by courting people and having him find out. He sounds like a jerk that might twist it all around for his own benefit. I am saying this simply based on the fact that he is a cheater but tried to blame you. (Just my humble opinion). I wish you all the very best! Dating sucks...lol0 -
If you're running the other direction, *you* are not ready. Focus on yourself and rediscovering what you love to do. Have fun with your time and do things for yourself. Go shopping and buy things only for you. Spend a day home reading alone. Go workout. Enjoy your hobbies. Join a club (meetup.com is a great place for this). You'll be surprised to find out how much you enjoy actually getting to know yourself again. When you are ready to date, you'll know it.
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Sorry to hear you're going through a divorce, and that it's dragging on for a long time. It can be an incredibly negative experience.
I think when you're going through it, it's extremely important to have a solid support system of friends and relatives to whom you can turn for advice, support, help, and the occasional shoulder to cry on.
It may not be the best time to initiate a deeper or intimate relationship. You're going through an incredibly intense time now, and that tends to amplify everything. When the divorce is final, the dust settles a bit, you get used to being you, being single, you may find that those crisis-amplified feelings have changed dramatically.
I wish you the best, and I hope you have a lot of friends and family surrounding you as you go through this.0 -
I feel better reading these
at the very least I am smiling. Yes, those are my kids, and they are amazing. I know im not ready for anything serious, not yet, however I do feel I am ready to trust the male gender with a cup of coffee and not have the secret desire to castrate them! Because of my ex's poor choices he has a court order where he cannot see me or the kids at this time. Which makes it even harder on them to understand, although I've done my best to keep them out of it. They have no idea that their dad cheated, or made the choices he did. I want to keep it that way....however between working two jobs to take care of them, and being alone every day, some civilized conversation may be a bit of a craving at this point:blushing: 0 -
You are not ready yet..I would just enjoy your time with the kids ( Im assuming those are your kids) and friends.. You will know when you're ready to start dating.
terrible advice next thing she knows the kids will be off to college and she will still not be ready... put the big girl panties on and hop back on the horse.
So what that the kids will be in college ( if that even happens)...Being in relationship is not the only thing that make people happy. She has to be happy with herself, before she can make anybody else happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
If you are going through a divorce, and there are children involved, and there is the possibility of it getting contentious, DO NOT go out alone with a guy until the divorce is final. I have heard too many horror stories of the soon to be ex using the woman's dating before the finalization of the divorce (even if he's already dating or the reason for the marriage dissolution is his infidelity) to character assassinate her to get better terms for him for child visitation/shared custody etc. Best thing to do about that though from a legal standpoint would be to ask your lawyer if you have one.
I did start dating when I was going through a divorce, but I had no kids, and the reason for our divorce was his infidelity. I also knew he was already dating (heck, had moved her into our house the same week I moved out)....and in reality, emotionally our marriage was over before I found out about his cheating, so I had already gone through a bunch of 'letting go' already. I did keep it circumspect, and always went out with a group of people until after the divorce was finalized.0 -
I wasn't ready to find my husband until I was happy being single. I think that's true for a lot of people. Don't rush it, but don't be afraid to have friends. You have a life, you have kids that need you. Don't forget they're going through a divorce too.
Exactly!!! Give it time girl, there's no rush! Be content to "just be YOU".0 -
I think you need to be comfortable with being with yourself and find out who you are and what you like before you jump into another relationship..dating or otherwise. Once the divorce is final...go crazy!0
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Trust is the easist thing to break and the most difficult thing to repair.
It takes time.0 -
People who cheat always shift blame. ALWAYS. I dated a guy like that. He always accused me of straying, wanting to stray or that I would find someone else better. I got rid of him quick, and no I didn't want to friends with him. Someone like that is a psychopath in my mind.
I am single now and have been for awhile. I enjoy it. I have no interest in dating. Some people find that strange or odd, but what is wrong with being happy with being single? You have to do what is right for you.0 -
Yes you sound paranoid. You did say you want friends so get out there and meet some, plus not every man you meet will lead to a relationship (which you are not ready for anyway).0
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You are not ready yet..I would just enjoy your time with the kids ( Im assuming those are your kids) and friends.. You will know when you're ready to start dating.
terrible advice next thing she knows the kids will be off to college and she will still not be ready... put the big girl panties on and hop back on the horse.
How is it terrible advice? It doesn't sound like she is ready. She is not even fully divorced yet - she should enjoy the time with her kids and friends. Soon she will feel more comfortable and that coffee wont sound like a bad idea.
your advice to "hop back up on the horse" is a terrible idea - she is probably a bit vunerable and getting into somethign too quick may cause more emotional/mental anguish than just waiting a few months or even a few years. Let her enjoy some single time.... damn!
To OP: Take time for yourself, for your kids and your family. Soon those feelings will be less evident and coffee or lunch will be a good place to start. When a guy who peeks your interest comes into your life....you'll know when its right to give your number/email for some casual chit chat....then see where it goes. No need to rush.0 -
People who cheat always shift blame. ALWAYS. I dated a guy like that. He always accused me of straying, wanting to stray or that I would find someone else better. I got rid of him quick, and no I didn't want to friends with him. Someone like that is a psychopath in my mind.
I am single now and have been for awhile. I enjoy it. I have no interest in dating. Some people find that strange or odd, but what is wrong with being happy with being single? You have to do what is right for you.
this Thanks to all posters 0 -
Getting in shape and being a mom would be my priority. You don't want to settle for sirloin now when in 6 months you'll be able to get a filet.. if ya know what I mean
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I'm sorry you have to go through this situation :ohwell:
My Mom got divorced and she is 100% happier now that she's away from my d-bag dad. I really don't have much advice other than its nice to see my Mom happy ... and with her boyfriend.0 -
Getting in shape and being a mom would be my priority. You don't want to settle for sirloin now when in 6 months you'll be able to get a filet.. if ya know what I mean
Im not sure what you mean..care to explain?0 -
Sounds like your not quite ready for the dating scene. Maybe just bump up your social life at this point. Go out with friends more and settle into your new single life. It takes time, I know I've been there!0
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Getting in shape and being a mom would be my priority. You don't want to settle for sirloin now when in 6 months you'll be able to get a filet.. if ya know what I mean
Im not sure what you mean..care to explain?
Well when she gets more "fit", she'll be able to attract more "fit" guys..0 -
Not reading all the previous replys. IMO: Wait until your divorce is final. Concentrate on yourself. Learn to be content within. Rely on your women friends for emotional support.
Listen to the lady....it takes a long time to heal from a divorce, even though you want it and know it's the best thing...plenty of time to jump into the dating pool! It's rough waters in the pool, anyway, and a lot ot people pee in it, so take your time!0 -
Haven't read all the replies, so this may have been said already, but he obviously also broke your trust. And if it was with various women, did so a lot. Someone you were married to doing that can definitely make it harder to trust anyone new. It will be hard, but one thing to remember whenever you are approached by other men is "this is not him, this is someone different."
Until you get to the point where you are comfortable again, do go out with friends, keep a social life going. And good luck!0 -
I have friends who have gone through divorces and it is harder than anyone expected. Instead of doing "rebounds" (which can happen if you start dating before you're ready), get content from within and make a clean break when those papers are signed. That said, if you honestly feel that you could handle coffee and conversation, cultivate some male friends who you find attractive but slow things down a little.
Also, from personal experience, GOOD MEN EXIST. I dated a cheater (almost married him!) and he broke my heart; we were compatible in so many other ways, but he just couldn't help himself. At first I blamed me and made myself "perfect," but it still continued. Over time, I saw that it was all on him. Further proof: To this day he is married...and again, cheating. I think it's a combination of low self-esteem and poor impulse control. It still makes me angry to think about it because he was one of those major hurts in my life, even though it shouldn't hurt me now. I just had to make a decision: put up with it over and over and the health risks it presented to me, or be good to myself and go out into the unknown...
...and boy, was I happy I did! I married an awesome man who loves me for me and is so super-loyal that I've been able to heal from my trust issues. In the beginning it was tough; I sadly assumed that he would be like the other guy, but not at all. Good guys do exist!
I took the slow route: We were "just friends" at first because I was honest about me needing to still heal from what had happened. We talked on the phone, had coffee dates and dinner out, or watched a movie (even at his place) that ended in just a hug or kiss on the cheek. As a result, we got to know each other really well and I started to really feel comfortable with him. Not only were we super-compatible but it also just felt "solid," not like the intense passion of mostly sexual attraction or flirtation that comes on strong and fizzles out just as fast. Admittedly, at that time, I also went out once or twice with one of those lusty types--super hot physically (like a body builder) to me but I knew it was mostly passion (aka a "rebound") and when it started to get really hot and heavy, it just felt WRONG to even make out with him; it felt like I was cheating on the good guy--that's when I knew we had something really going on--so I promptly broke it off with Mr. Studlypant and only dated the good one, even though we weren't getting physical because he was in my heart.
In any case, the "good" guy and I have been together now for almost 8 years and married for 2.5 years, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't regret "taking it slow" and getting to know someone deeply before committing. Not only did it make sure that I knew him well, it forced me to know myself well, too.
So, if you feel you're ready for coffee, I say go for it, but seriously consider the speed of physical intimacy and be honest with the guys(s) you date right now about where you are emotionally. It might lead to a few disappointments if someone is looking for the physical right away, but someone who really thinks you're special will wait until you're ready and be by your side as your best friend. And that, IMHO, is the kind of guy you'want with you and your kids for the rest of your life.
Best of luck to you!0 -
I have to say that every situation is different. It depends on YOU and whoever you want to date or be with, and yes, your ex does come into play. I started dating 2 months after separating and while my soon-to-be ex at the time gave me a lot of crap for it, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I met a really great man, we spent 6 months together and I learned so much about myself. After the 6 months we were together, yes my heart was broken, but I realized I had to focus on me and know what it was like to truly be alone. I realized I needed to know who I was as an individual as opposed to someone's wife/girlfriend/mother, etc. That was the best thing I've ever done for ME. The guy I started dating really helped me through a lot of really hard times, the emotional, lonely, self-doubt, etc. I think I was fortunate in that I had met someone who understood what I was going through. No, it didn't last, but I am thankful everyday for having him in my life at that time. It's since been a year and now I'm dating a guy who is going through a divorce and I hope to be the rock he can lean on.0
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