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HelloSunshine
HelloSunshine Posts: 135
in Chit-Chat
I have a quick break at work and need everyone's advice (Don't worry about hurting my feelings)

Me and the fiance are in a small argument right now (really its just me being angry) and I need to know if I am being crazy/stupid or if I am right to be upset.

So here is the story:
Last night he sat in the living and played video games while I made our dinner (like he does EVERY night). I finished making our dinner and he decided he didn't want to eat it so he made himself hotdogs instead. I sat down at the kitchen table so we could eat together and he just took his plate and went back to his game (grrrr) so I ate my dinner and then by that time it was 7 and biggest loser was coming on so I went in the living room and told him to finish up the last game so I could watch biggest loser. He turned the game off and went upstairs (which I thought was to take a shower, or shave, or w/e guys do) but an hour into the show, he still wasn't back. So I go upstairs and he is in bed sleeping. So I go over and I ask if he is sick (he NEVER goes to bed before 10) and he was like no, I just dont have anything else to do. I was going to pick a fight with him right there but decided to just walk away. Maybe he doesnt like my shows, but i don't like his video games and I still sit and watch those.
So by this point, I am already mad but then his phone starts vibrating so I pick it up and he has 2 new messages. I never go through his phone but decided to tonight (I know, shame on me) but what I found really annoyed me. He had all of these messages from this girl he works with that he always tells me is just a friend. He will tell me some nights he is going to her and her boyfriends apartment with friends to party which is fine, but from the messages its clear that she does not have a boyfriend (or recently broke up with him). They talked about how nice it was to be going out to lunch together, and she was thanking him for talking with her for so long the other night and blah blah and it just really bugged me. He has never kept secrets like this from me before (or maybe I just didn't know).

Needless to say, I went to bed angry and didn't feel much like talking to him today. And now what is really driving me crazy is that he can clearly tell I am upset (you can read my emotions like an open book) but has not even bothered to ask me what is wrong or if there is anything he can do to make me feel better.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I was just wondering if you guys think it really is him just having a girl as a friend and I am being crazy for getting jealous and paranoid or if it really does sound like something more? I mean I don't even know how to bring it up with him without him getting angry with me for looking through his messages.
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Replies

  • kingnatalie
    kingnatalie Posts: 163
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    I would have the same exact reaction as you, and I think you are NOT being crazy/stupid in any way. Tell him exactly how you feel and confront him about the messages from the girl. It should never not be ok to go through your significant others phone/email or what ever, there should be nothing to hide from. He is putting a wall between the two of you and taking part in behavior that is considered inappropriate when in a relationship especially when he is not being all the way open and honest with you about what is going on. Just my thoughts.
  • bluexiii
    bluexiii Posts: 36
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    You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.

    He is a self-absorbed jerk.

    My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:

    1) Eating
    2) Showering
    3) Work/School
    4) Women

    That being said, these all go out the window when you are committing your life to someone else. He should know that video games aren't everything, he should be helping you with dinner or at least talking to you while in the kitchen, he should know it is INCREDIBLY rude to refuse someone elses cooking and instead eat hot dogs...and the whole going upstairs thing while you are downstairs? That sounds to me like he is being a big baby and is just pouting that mommy took away his toys.

    On top of his obvious attitude malfunctions, this other girl thing is NOT OK. Especially if you're engaged. Yeah you shouldnt've gone through his phone, but now you know that he (probably) at least has another girl as a "back up plan"

    This guy needs a reality check. I hope for the best for both of you, but I knew plenty of guys like this in college, and they don't change.
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
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    The first half sounds exactly like me and mine, we like totally different TV and stuff and he always goes in the bedroom and closes the door and sulks if I "hog the TV with my crap". So I just give in and let him watch his Nascar stuff.
    And the dinner thing too, same scenario, he goes right to the couch with his plate.

    Men will be men, and I learned that I have to love him for who he is and not try to change him. We will never be a "dinner as a family every night" family, or play board games instead of video games. That's just who we are....


    But the second part. I would be PISSED OFF if I found messages like that.
    The fact that he kept it from you that she broke up with her boyfriend (or never had one), seems suspicious.
    Or he assumed you would forbid him from going over there if you knew she was single.

    If he had zero interest in her, he should have said
    "oh, so-and-so broke up with her boyfriend, she's really upset, we had a long conversation about it over lunch the other day."
    or something like that.

    But this is a GIRL'S opinion, my bf would say "guys just don't talk about that stuff"
    or "it doesn't affect her so why should he tell her, I don't tell you every person I have a conversation with"

    Maybe he felt "no harm, no foul", and didn't see the point in telling you because he knew it would start a fight, so better to just not...


    Or worst case scenario, he likes her and she likes him and he is spending time alone with her at her place....
    but DO NOT jump to that conclusion, it is most likely "a guy thing" and he just didn't bother to tell you because he's a guy and we women take everything too seriously....
  • arasm
    arasm Posts: 65
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    TALK TO HIM NOW!!! warning signs are going off, pay attention to them. ALWAYS go with your gut, life has taught me that it is ALWAYS right. I would not be ok with that friendship....at alllll! Good luck to you! Be strong.
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,293 Member
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    I agree with the first responder. Not to mention you are extremely young to get married. I would have the serious talk with him and if he doesn't change, which men rarely do, you may want to move on without him, you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone that will treat you right.

    Here is a quote I love "... women marry men hoping they will change, and they don't ..."
  • Resalyn
    Resalyn Posts: 528 Member
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    This sounds like a very difficult situation - and I'm not a therapist, but a few questions for you:

    How long have you been together? How long living together? How long engaged?
    How long has he been distant like this? Only since he's been talking about hanging out with this girl who is a friend?

    We don't hear his side of things, there are always two sides to a story - BUT, it sounds to me like he is distancing himself from you, why? Who knows? He may feel guilty, may feel that you no longer have anything in common, may have a relationship w/ this girl that he knows is wrong on some level, or if you're newly cohabiting or newly engaged, he may just have cold feet.

    I have to disagree with kingnatalie on one level. My hubby and I have no secrets from each other when it comes to e-mail passwords, cell phone msgs, etc. If you have nothing to hide, why not let your significant other go through your messages? If you have a healthy relationship, they'll talk to you about something that they perceive as inappropriate.

    My hubby does get jealous sometimes, usually without cause. I've been talking about my friend Erin at work a lot, how we go to lunch, or we laughed about this or talked about that. Then Erin left for a new job and I was bummed. He asked me "Why are you so upset this Aaron guy left? Did you have somethin goin on?" I explained it was ERIN, not Aaron. His perception in that case was faulty....

    Regardless, the longer you go without discussing it, the more it will fester. The two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation - and if he avoids it consistently, or blows it off and won't talk about it, then you have a bigger issue that probably won't go away....
  • ractayjon
    ractayjon Posts: 365
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    I cant tell you what to do....withouth knowing you or him I wouldnt feel comfortable giving advice -- but I can tell you -- I have been married for 13 years engaged for 2 additional (15 total) and we have 4 children, I love my husband more then anything he is my best friend. Whether your feeelings are right or wrong doesnt matter they are your feelings. You as a person have the right to those feelings. The person that loves you needs to know what you are feeling (people cant read minds...no matter what you think your bf doesnt know what you are feeling until you tell him, women get caught in these ideals that "they should know" - um impossible) anyway -- you need to tell him how you feel, just as you told us and the two of you need to work it out (fight, yell, talk, cry, laugh whatever you need to do to figure it out)....you say fiance - which leads me to believe that marriage is in the works. Marriage is wonderful...but it is hard. Living with, trusting, making a life with somebody else is hard -- dont let anyone tell you different. So learn to talk to him now - dont keep your feelings in now get it out and figure it out....its much better to head towards the future with all the cards on the table then with a poker face on. Good luck.
  • gisii
    gisii Posts: 74 Member
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    sorry to hear of your pain! but it seems like something is going on... u shud just come out and ask him directly

    good luck!
  • HelloSunshine
    HelloSunshine Posts: 135
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    You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.

    He is a self-absorbed jerk.

    My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:

    1) Eating
    2) Showering
    3) Work/School
    4) Women

    That being said, these all go out the window when you are committing your life to someone else. He should know that video games aren't everything, he should be helping you with dinner or at least talking to you while in the kitchen, he should know it is INCREDIBLY rude to refuse someone elses cooking and instead eat hot dogs...and the whole going upstairs thing while you are downstairs? That sounds to me like he is being a big baby and is just pouting that mommy took away his toys.

    On top of his obvious attitude malfunctions, this other girl thing is NOT OK. Especially if you're engaged. Yeah you shouldnt've gone through his phone, but now you know that he (probably) at least has another girl as a "back up plan"

    This guy needs a reality check. I hope for the best for both of you, but I knew plenty of guys like this in college, and they don't change.


    I need you to come have a sit down with my fiance then because his obsession with video games is getting way out of control. I knew about them coming into the relationship but he always said "as I get older, I will stop playing them" but he keeps getting worse. I am talking midnight releases and everything and taking the day off work so that he can play a new game.

    Gough!!!
  • bethrs
    bethrs Posts: 664 Member
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    you need to have a direct convo with him about what you saw, what you think, and what you need from him now. See how he responds.

    A lot seems off here, but you can never expect a person to mind read- you have to communicate.
  • ractayjon
    ractayjon Posts: 365
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    I have to disagree with kingnatalie on one level. My hubby and I have no secrets from each other when it comes to e-mail passwords, cell phone msgs, etc. If you have nothing to hide, why not let your significant other go through your messages? If you have a healthy relationship, they'll talk to you about something that they perceive as inappropriate.

    I completely agree with this.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    In brief, I agree with everything said so far.

    The situation is jacked up. If this is a long term routine, something's gotta give. It's unhealthy.

    If he's willing to go to counseling, GO. NOW. If you wait, it will be too late and the damage will be irreparable. (Take from a soon-to-be-divorcee.) Counseling will help you understand each other better, learn to communicate better. It will help you both to work as a couple instead of feeling hurt and not communicating with the other.

    If he's not willing to go to counseling, make your plans to exit. Save money if you need to. Kick him out. Whatever. Do what is best for you. You don't need a man who doesn't spend time with you, doesn't listen to you, doesn't appreciate you, and is talking to another girl and going out to lunch with her.

    That is my hard-lined, brief comment.

    (((hugs))) Relationship crap is never easy to deal with. Keep yourself exercising and eating well. It will benefit you as you deal with this, no matter the outcome.
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
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    bluexiii you seem like a very sweet guy and I wish they all thought like that!:flowerforyou:

    I would love if he just hung out in the kitchen with me while I cooked and cleaned up, but he's usually in front of his computer.

    He does cook though, but he won't allow me in the kitchen when he does because I'm "in the way"
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    I have to disagree with kingnatalie on one level. My hubby and I have no secrets from each other when it comes to e-mail passwords, cell phone msgs, etc. If you have nothing to hide, why not let your significant other go through your messages? If you have a healthy relationship, they'll talk to you about something that they perceive as inappropriate.

    I completely agree with this.

    Also, I agree with this. I have no problem allowing an SO to go through my phone, email, Facebook.... I share those passwords.
  • HelloSunshine
    HelloSunshine Posts: 135
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    This sounds like a very difficult situation - and I'm not a therapist, but a few questions for you:

    How long have you been together? How long living together? How long engaged?
    How long has he been distant like this? Only since he's been talking about hanging out with this girl who is a friend?

    We don't hear his side of things, there are always two sides to a story - BUT, it sounds to me like he is distancing himself from you, why? Who knows? He may feel guilty, may feel that you no longer have anything in common, may have a relationship w/ this girl that he knows is wrong on some level, or if you're newly cohabiting or newly engaged, he may just have cold feet.

    I have to disagree with kingnatalie on one level. My hubby and I have no secrets from each other when it comes to e-mail passwords, cell phone msgs, etc. If you have nothing to hide, why not let your significant other go through your messages? If you have a healthy relationship, they'll talk to you about something that they perceive as inappropriate.

    My hubby does get jealous sometimes, usually without cause. I've been talking about my friend Erin at work a lot, how we go to lunch, or we laughed about this or talked about that. Then Erin left for a new job and I was bummed. He asked me "Why are you so upset this Aaron guy left? Did you have somethin goin on?" I explained it was ERIN, not Aaron. His perception in that case was faulty....

    Regardless, the longer you go without discussing it, the more it will fester. The two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation - and if he avoids it consistently, or blows it off and won't talk about it, then you have a bigger issue that probably won't go away....


    We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
    And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.

    He is a self-absorbed jerk.

    My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:

    1) Eating
    2) Showering
    3) Work/School
    4) Women

    Blue, I like you. A lot. You should do seminars for other men. :flowerforyou: :wink:
  • Resalyn
    Resalyn Posts: 528 Member
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    (((hugs))) Relationship crap is never easy to deal with. Keep yourself exercising and eating well. It will benefit you as you deal with this, no matter the outcome.

    Amen! You DESERVE to work on what you want, exercising and eating well. Don't let this situation sidetrack that... I'll be thinking of you...
  • Chantelle160
    Chantelle160 Posts: 127
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    WOW sounds like my last relationship except we were not engaged. I would definitally talk to him give him the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like he's being a huge jerk and I recall exactly how you feel. I ended up leaving him cause he was super self absorbed and his tv/video games were more important than me. Which should never happen. I hope this doesn't happen in your case.

    I think though seeings he's someone you plan on marrying you should be able to talk to him about it and thing should change.

    If you watch his video games he should atleast watch your show with you, even not for the show just to spend the time with you. Also if you just slaved cooking him a nice meal while he sits on his *kitten*, he should dam well eat it. lol even if it's burn. ;)

    The girl thing is a huge no no. Good luck to you hope it all works out and is just a bump in the road to happyness :).
  • jlewis2896
    jlewis2896 Posts: 763 Member
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    COMMUNICATE......
  • mstanley
    mstanley Posts: 121 Member
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    Good luck with this situation. It is definitely a tough one. However, if you are having signs and problems like this now, they will only get worse later on. Things that you think you can deal with when you're dating, have a tendency to become serious pet peeves later on, and if he's hiding things from you, that is an indication that there is not enough trust in your relationship.

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