Couples Therapy

We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?

Remember, you're just seeing HER messages to him, right? At least, that's what I got outta your first post. Maybe they went to lunch and she unloaded on him, did all the talking, and he just listened, a captive audience - and she's using the situation to try to hook up with him or something.

The other stuff - the video games and the dinner thing - I agree with BLUE - he's a self-absorbed jerk who seriously needs to grow up a bit.

Someone else said men can't read our minds, and that's totally true. The only thing that's going to solve this is communication - he needs to know what your expectations are and whether he's ready to try to meet them. If he's not, then as painful as it might be after 4 years, move on. There will be someone else out there who's a better fit.

I just wanted to clear up that we have talked about this issue hundreds of times before in the 4 years we have been together. I have told him how I feel and he will be great for a week. He won't play at all, he will make dinner with me, buy me some flowers or something but then after I am happy... he just goes back to the games.

I'm going to be brutally honest here.

If you have spoken to him about how the gaming makes you feel and he has not made a concentrated effort for more than a week (or done more than try to buy back your affection with flowers) THEN HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Its important for you to tell him how you feel, but it's equally important for him to listen. If he's not doing that or thinks that all he needs to do is make a brief change and then back to normal - then he is not actually listening or caring how his actions are affecting you.

It might be necessary at this point to decide if this is how you want to go through the rest of your life. And if not - then tell him - this is it. Last chance. "Make a permanent change, a permanent effort - or I am hitting the road."

Sounds tough hun, I can tell you I have been through this with my husband. I would suggest finding a good therapist to go to together because the whole communication thing it very difficult. I have found it is easier to talk with a 3rd party whom is not involved with the situation, able to hear both sides and is educated in this area. In my situation my husband did have someone else on the side, I saw signs like you are seeing but chose to ignore them. Video games was his way of isolating which is not good in a relationship, it just lead to worse things. I am happy to report we have been married 5 1/2 years together 9 1/2, it has been a very rocky road even now we are struggling, but with the of good guidance and accountability friends we are determined to make it and be happy not just settle. If you choose to keep this relationship just know it will be tough and it does take two to make things work.

I sent you a private message but I wanted to share this with everyone else:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKBRG_QgEAM

bluexiii you seem like a very sweet guy and I wish they all thought like that!:flowerforyou:

I would love if he just hung out in the kitchen with me while I cooked and cleaned up, but he's usually in front of his computer.

He does cook though, but he won't allow me in the kitchen when he does because I'm "in the way"

wow sorry to say but he doesnt sound very nice. :S

as for the original post - I would be extremely pissed and you have every right to. He's not appreciating you and maybe he is too young and not ready for marriage. Women are usually the ones who put the effort in a relationship but he seems to be isolating himself. (did u get a thnx for dinner honey, but I'd rather eat xyz? or I'm really tired, I'm going to bed? pllus a kiss good night? nothing? ) as for the phone, u have more patience than me cuz I wud probably have broken it or called the girl and asked wtf? lol

ok that was PSYCHO I know. hahaha that's just my impulsive side talking..... ok maybe I wouldn't go that far but I would definately ask whats up with those kinds of txts and whats really going on there.

and yes I agree with everyone who has said that things only get worse with marriage so anything bothering you now WILL NOT IMPROVE over time.

OK...you need to look at the logic here. Not necessarily is this friendship anything more than just a friendship...and if it were me, i would leave it at that and forget about the messages. Your fiance has a friend who is a girl who broke up with her bf and came to him for help. All of my friends are guys...and whether they have girlfriends or not, i talk to them and would never even dare coming between them and their girlfriends...however, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration. Have you met this girl? And why doesn't he invite you along when he's going over there to hang with her and her bf? Those are things you might want to ask.

However, in all reality, I feel like people take the petty things more seriously than the important ones. You're jealousy is getting the best of you. Let him have a female friend. BUT DONT PUT UP WITH HIS DISRESPECTFUL BULLS**T! There is no reason for him to turn down your dinner, not hang out with you while you are cooking, go up to bed instead of spend time with you, and jerk off to his videogames. You really need to talk to him about this behavior. The girl will leave the picture eventually...even if she is into him...if he loves you, she'll see that and bounce...but these icky character traits will stay forever and better yet...worsen. You need to talk to him about this. And reassess what you are willing to put up with. If I had a fiance, i would flip a **** if after I cooked he shoved my food away and his face with hotdogs. I would not put up with that in my house. You shouldn't have to either. i don't care how much people say men will be men. My dad is the epitome of that statement. He wouldn't know housework if it hit him in the face, but if my mom needs him, he's there...if she's cooking and she wants company...she tells him, and he's there. And they've been together for 40 years. Tell him to take notes! You need to talk to him asap!


Hope this helped. Keep your chin up!

You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.

He is a self-absorbed jerk.

My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:

1) Eating
2) Showering
3) Work/School
4) Women

That being said, these all go out the window when you are committing your life to someone else. He should know that video games aren't everything, he should be helping you with dinner or at least talking to you while in the kitchen, he should know it is INCREDIBLY rude to refuse someone elses cooking and instead eat hot dogs...and the whole going upstairs thing while you are downstairs? That sounds to me like he is being a big baby and is just pouting that mommy took away his toys.

On top of his obvious attitude malfunctions, this other girl thing is NOT OK. Especially if you're engaged. Yeah you shouldnt've gone through his phone, but now you know that he (probably) at least has another girl as a "back up plan"

This guy needs a reality check. I hope for the best for both of you, but I knew plenty of guys like this in college, and they don't change.

I have to kind of agree with this. Maybe yall should both sit down with a pastor or counslor.

You headed your original post "Couples Therapy," and obviously there is no lack of advice out there. But maybe you should consider real couples therapy before you get married. If your intended doesn't want to go, see a counselor by yourself. It might be a big help in clarifying your feelings before you take this big step.
Also, I would say before you get all confrontational with your fiance, think through what you want to say and what you would like the outcome to be. Is eating dinner together every night really important to you?Then let him know, but do it calmly, without whining or crying. And be prepared to let him know why -- "This is a time to share our work day and make plans for the future" -- or something along those lines. And be flexible -- if it doesn't work out every night, it's OK. Just try to make it more special the next night.
Similarly, with the video games, if you think he spends too much time playing, then see if you can negotiate a time for play and a time to quit. With TV shows, maybe you can work out a few that you watch together and some that you will each watch separately. But since TV watching definitely contributes to weight problems, I would make going for a walk together or working out at the gym together a higher priority than watching TV together.
On the cell phone/other girl issue, I would say it's really important to have boundaries when you are married. You have to give the other person his space and time that you don't invade. And he should give you yours as well. I would not tell him anything you found out from looking at his cell phone messages but see if you can bring up the general idea of opposite sex friends and have a discussion about it. See if he has ever felt threatened by any close friendships with guys you may have and let him know that sometimes you wonder how close he is to this girl at work.
I think your goal should be to find out your basic values and his. If you share most of those values your marriage has a good chance for success. If you don't you'll be in trouble so it's best to find out now.
I say this from a perspective of 40 years of marriage to the same person, and believe me, we have had our ups and downs.

I have to disagree with kingnatalie on one level. My hubby and I have no secrets from each other when it comes to e-mail passwords, cell phone msgs, etc. If you have nothing to hide, why not let your significant other go through your messages? If you have a healthy relationship, they'll talk to you about something that they perceive as inappropriate.

I completely agree with this.

Same here. Been there, done that, been burned so many times.

You headed your original post "Couples Therapy," and obviously there is no lack of advice out there. But maybe you should consider real couples therapy before you get married. If your intended doesn't want to go, see a counselor by yourself. It might be a big help in clarifying your feelings before you take this big step.
Also, I would say before you get all confrontational with your fiance, think through what you want to say and what you would like the outcome to be. Is eating dinner together every night really important to you?Then let him know, but do it calmly, without whining or crying. And be prepared to let him know why -- "This is a time to share our work day and make plans for the future" -- or something along those lines. And be flexible -- if it doesn't work out every night, it's OK. Just try to make it more special the next night.
Similarly, with the video games, if you think he spends too much time playing, then see if you can negotiate a time for play and a time to quit. With TV shows, maybe you can work out a few that you watch together and some that you will each watch separately. But since TV watching definitely contributes to weight problems, I would make going for a walk together or working out at the gym together a higher priority than watching TV together.
On the cell phone/other girl issue, I would say it's really important to have boundaries when you are married. You have to give the other person his space and time that you don't invade. And he should give you yours as well. I would not tell him anything you found out from looking at his cell phone messages but see if you can bring up the general idea of opposite sex friends and have a discussion about it. See if he has ever felt threatened by any close friendships with guys you may have and let him know that sometimes you wonder how close he is to this girl at work.
I think your goal should be to find out your basic values and his. If you share most of those values your marriage has a good chance for success. If you don't you'll be in trouble so it's best to find out now.
I say this from a perspective of 40 years of marriage to the same person, and believe me, we have had our ups and downs.

This is probably the best and most sound advice in this post! Do not listen to the "Get out now!" comments....you need to know everything before you make any rash decisions. I notice that sometimes what us girls find to be a big deal, guys don't see it as one. He may not have been trying to keep the texts or lunches from you...he just may have thought it was nothing.
I do understand your concern in all aspects. These are things that you two need to compromise on before you take that next step.

I've been married for 24 years. There are times things go better unsaid, but not this. TV shows,,,,well we all have our own interest. I like Nascar my wife likes American Idol. She watchs Nascar with me and I watch Idol with her. It works out in the end. We both like House. As for the video games they will never end. My Brother is 46 and started playing when Pong came out and he has owned every new system since. There is a time and place for everything,TV,GAMES,TALKING and DINNER. We have 5 kids,they are older now but we sit down for dinner together almost every night unless one of us is working. Now the kids are here and there so it's just the 2 of us at dinner.But it is our time to chat and catch up on whats happening. The cell phone is something else. I don't look at hers and she (as far as I know) don't look at mine. But I have nothing to hide,she has my password and can check email or my phone anytime she would like.TRUST is the issue.Talk to him,he needs to open up and talk to you also.

My husband became withdrawn, going to bed early, eating on his own etc.... and I felt bad checking his phone UNTIL I found out he was having an affair with his "friend" at work. I know my situation may be different, but If I were not married for 7 years with 2 young children....I would have handled things differently and would probably not be married (to him anyways). Just be careful and take care of yourself.

Sunshine,

Brutally honest, If you are engaged and this is all the consideration he has for you. Dump him and now. The coworker thing would absolutely bug me to no end to. Not to mention confinding personal issues with the opposite sex can be dangerous even in the best of intentions, creates an emotional connection.

I hope he wakes up or you get away before you really get hurt.
:flowerforyou:

Mark, I give you credit for being honest.