Loving yourself

How does one work on loving themselves? I'm 20 years old and growing up I've never really had self esteem ...ever. Since I was little I was told horrible things. I've been told I'm weird, odd, chubby which turned into too fat, a retard, worthless...the list goes on and on.
Long story short I hate myself. With every fiber of my being. I don't believe I'm pretty. I can't. I just can't see it. I can't see one good redeeming quality about myself. I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm just wondering how one starts loving themselves...
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Replies

  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Starting telling yourself that you love yourself - even if you don't believe it right now - tell yourself that you are worth it, beautiful and fabulous every single day.

    A daily affirmation may help. You can look them up and pick one that you like and say it to yourself every morning - post it on your mirror!

    Make a list of everything you love about yourself. You say "nothing" but I am sure there is at least 1 good quality about yourself.

    Do an appriciation journal. You start with "Today I feel grateful for...." and do maybe 3 of these sentences a day.

    Make a list of the top 3 things that bother you about yourself. Make a plan to fix each thing! If you can't fix it - figure out a way to deal with it and look at the positive side. EX - "I hate that I am fat. I love my curves." turn your negatives to a positive!
  • Kari089
    Kari089 Posts: 109 Member
    I used to struggle with the same issue. In fact I think a lot of us still do and will for all of our lives. However it doesn't mean we can't learn to lower those negative voices. I went to see a counselor and part of dealing with this was having self compassion.

    She also directed me to this http://www.self-compassion.org/

    Perhaps you will find that beneficial as it was for me. Finding someone to talk to about this is very important and I would recommend you do that if you can. Good luck..and for the record..you are a beautiful girl. :flowerforyou:
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    let me know when you find out.. <3
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
    Seeking professional help is one way to go about it....
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    ( I totally thought this thread was going in a whole other direction, maybe the right people just hadn't seen it yet)
  • HazenAllen
    HazenAllen Posts: 46 Member
    The first issue is listening and actually projecting onto yourself what those certain people have told you. Just because people say it and it supports your pessimism and self loathing, does not make it true, especially on such subjective matters.

    Life is not a meadow of sunshine and fairy farts, unfortunately, however, once you realize that you're the only person you can truly rely on, it becomes much easier to love yourself. Stop listening to people who are negative towards you, why would you listen to them? If they have to be that ****ty towards another person to make themselves feel better, than they are worse than anything they could possibly ever call you. They are self righteous, immature, cowardly brats. They are not correct just because you look down on yourself at the moment. The collective IQ of humanity is in the double digits, do you really care what anyone like that has to say? Listen to yourself before anyone else, never base any thought process or decision on anyone else, much less negative people who try to bring you down. Look at things objectively, and if you need to improve in areas, do so. Only you can do it. You have to learn to love yourself before you're successful in most endeavors.
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
    Personally I don't find affirmations very helpful for feelings that are so deeply ingrained. I used to hate myself also then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks - I am not a bad person, I am worthy of love. Seems so simple but it was quite a revelation. I'm not sure why I believed the negative crap but couldn't bring myself to believe the good things people said about me. I really think you need some professional help to deal with your demons so you can live a life of happiness.
  • bilberryjam
    bilberryjam Posts: 72 Member
    Imagine your best friend or your sister or your niece came to you and said, "I'm fat and ugly and stupid and useless."

    Would you agree? Would you punish her?

    Of course you wouldn't. You'd tell her she's wonderful and how much she means to you; you'd make her a nice cup of tea and you'd listen to her problems.

    So why are we so hard on ourselves?

    We need to be our own best friends.

    Most of use are on here to change the way we look - that's the easy part. Changing the way we think and behave is harder. Changing the way we feel inside is the hardest challenge.

    But I genuinely believe we can get there if we change the way we think and behave.

    So when you feel down on yourself, try to imagine how you would treat your best friend or your sister and try to treat yourself that way - gently, lovingly.

    Try to be kind to yourself. Take the time to take care of yourself (cooking healthy meals; personal grooming, etc.) Don't think about what you deserve, but what you need.
  • The majority of negative comments you will receive in life are from people who are jealous of you in some way and are afraid that if you really shone you would outshine them and that scares them so they put you down. That at least is how I have experienced this in the past and even still today on occasions.
    Retaliation will just make you hurt more and make you feel bad so smile and walk away - rise above it and they will have nowhere to go with it.
    In terms of you I suggest that you take a good look at your life and the people in it - do you really need them around you, ditch the dead wood and stick with the people who give without expectations of anything in return - these are your true friends and you may have fewer than you think but that is ok.
    Get rid of the negative influences and start thinking positively about yourself, you are strong or you would not have asked that question and exposed yourself to words that you may not be ready to hear.
    You are determined - you are on a path of weight-loss that will ultimately make you feel better about whatever it was that made you start on that path.
    You are beautiful - both inside and out and believe me when I say that beautiful on the inside is something that certain people can only dream of being. All bullies are ugly on the inside.
    You hang in there, you're doing just fine. You get out of life what you put in so put out enough positive energy and it will start to come back to you.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    i use a good, unscented lotion to love myself.
  • JosephVitte
    JosephVitte Posts: 2,039
    To start, you are pretty good at describing your hate for yourself, so your description is something worth feeling good about, you do have at least one talent. If sure you have more. Tell me some more about yourself, and I'll pick out something else again!:flowerforyou:
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    let me know when you find out.. <3
  • cainie19
    cainie19 Posts: 126
    ( I totally thought this thread was going in a whole other direction, maybe the right people just hadn't seen it yet)

    I thought the same thing... ;-)
  • sunshine_gem
    sunshine_gem Posts: 390 Member
    Yeah I've been there. It's not a good place. The best advice I ever got was to start small. Pick one thing about yourself that you like and ask yourself why. I started with my eyes. I think I have really pretty eyes, I like the shape, the colour and my eyelashes are really long and dark even though I'm fair. I love my eyes. Once you can say that you love that one thing then pick another. It doesn't have to be a feature, it can be a talent or a characteristic. Pick something that you can do. It doesn't matter if it's not unique or other people can do it too. Eventually, the things you love about yourself will outweigh the things you dislike. and even if someone says something negative then you won't automatically focus on it and take it to heart. Also if you don't like something then ask yourself why. If it's something you can change then make it happen. Only you can make yourself love you.
  • angiechimpanzee
    angiechimpanzee Posts: 536 Member
    First off, just realize that self esteem is ESSENTIAL in practically every area of life if you want to be successful in anything, ever. Once I just "got" the notion that if I wanted to achieve anything long-term, I HAD to believe in and love myself, I was kind of forced into at least trying.

    You need to realize that EVERYONE has flaws, and there are people with more than you have who STILL love themselves. And you know why? Because one, they focus on their goods and not their bads. They're able to say "sure, I have a big nose. yeah, I can be a little stubborn sometimes. but I still love my [hair/legs/smile] and I know I'm still a pleasant person to be around." Secondly, and probably most importantly, they STOP wasting energy worrying about things they can't change and instead direct that energy into improving the things they can. It makes a world of difference.
  • AmberJo1984
    AmberJo1984 Posts: 1,067 Member
    To be honest, I'm still trying to figure this out, as well. As a child, I was told pretty much all you were told... along with the fact that I was sexually abused by a "family friend".... repeatedly. I have always felt like trash. Like I'm not good enough for anything.

    HOWEVER... It does get better. Some days I still feel like trash. Other days... I actually do love myself. It's always a battle... but, you have to keep fighting. Start accepting complements... even if you don't agree with them just yet. Eventually, you will start believing them. Start making lists of everything you like about yourself. You may have to think really hard at first.... or even lie to yourself.... but, again, eventually it will become easier and more truthful. And, most importantly... stop listening to anyone else. Just listen to God.

    This may not be PC... or even "allowed" on the boards... BUT.... God doesn't make trash. Also.... from just looking at your profile picture... I think you have a very beautiful face. So... put that down as today's item of what you like about yourself. :wink:

    And... I pray everything gets better for you.
  • Raivynsblood
    Raivynsblood Posts: 68 Member
    Starting telling yourself that you love yourself - even if you don't believe it right now - tell yourself that you are worth it, beautiful and fabulous every single day.

    A daily affirmation may help. You can look them up and pick one that you like and say it to yourself every morning - post it on your mirror!

    Make a list of everything you love about yourself. You say "nothing" but I am sure there is at least 1 good quality about yourself.

    Do an appriciation journal. You start with "Today I feel grateful for...." and do maybe 3 of these sentences a day.

    Make a list of the top 3 things that bother you about yourself. Make a plan to fix each thing! If you can't fix it - figure out a way to deal with it and look at the positive side. EX - "I hate that I am fat. I love my curves." turn your negatives to a positive!


    couldnt have said it better myself..
  • AmberJo1984
    AmberJo1984 Posts: 1,067 Member
    Starting telling yourself that you love yourself - even if you don't believe it right now - tell yourself that you are worth it, beautiful and fabulous every single day.

    A daily affirmation may help. You can look them up and pick one that you like and say it to yourself every morning - post it on your mirror!

    Make a list of everything you love about yourself. You say "nothing" but I am sure there is at least 1 good quality about yourself.

    Do an appriciation journal. You start with "Today I feel grateful for...." and do maybe 3 of these sentences a day.

    Make a list of the top 3 things that bother you about yourself. Make a plan to fix each thing! If you can't fix it - figure out a way to deal with it and look at the positive side. EX - "I hate that I am fat. I love my curves." turn your negatives to a positive!


    couldnt have said it better myself..

    This is great advice. We had a lot of the same ideas. I wrote mine before reading what anyone else posted, though... or I might have changed some of mine up.
  • deseraeloves
    deseraeloves Posts: 18 Member
    i use a good, unscented lotion to love myself.

    Ridiulous.

    Ridiculously funny.
  • Step back and look at things a different way. Ask yourself why anyone should be better than you? Treat yourself better, you wouldn´t want your beloved sister/boyfriend/mother/bestfriend to starve/sit in the cold/get talked down, so don´t do it with yourself either. Take care of yourself, have kindness for yourself. You are WORTH wearing the nice clothes, even daily. You are worth the money that it costs to make your flat warm or to be able to shower daily. Treat yourself with the same respect you have towards people you love. Protect yourself. be good to yourself. Say things like "I love myself too much to do ... now" "I won´t let... use me because I don´t deserve this" "I don´t deserve to be talked to like the person infront of me does, so I won´t let them" "I don´t need to listen to other peoples judgements because I am good enough the way I am."

    For me it all started with someone saying "This is not what you deserve" someone seriously thought and honestly believed that I deserve better. That I am not scam. It is such a hard battle sometimes but believe me, its totaly worth it. Life is so much better and easier if you don´t have to be 24/7 with someone you absolutely despite.

    I wish you the best.
  • hitstuff
    hitstuff Posts: 40 Member
    i use a good, unscented lotion to love myself.

    Ridiulous.

    Ridiculously funny.



    I would have stuck with the ridiculous, but adding ridiculously insensitive......
  • notenoughspeed
    notenoughspeed Posts: 290 Member
    From someone who was told the same things growing up by my peers (You're such a fatass. You're a POS, etc...) I've grown a bit in my life since those horrible days of childhood. Take some time to work on yourself, both mind and body. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you ARE worth it. You ARE a great person. Keep working on numero uno. Don't worry about the rest of the world. Being 20 means you're old enough to venture into the world, and choose who you want to surround yourself with. If the influences in your life now are negative, get rid of them. That may have to include family (sure hope it's not). Best wishes to you on your path to mind and body recovery.
  • AmberJo1984
    AmberJo1984 Posts: 1,067 Member
    i use a good, unscented lotion to love myself.

    Ridiulous.

    Ridiculously funny.



    I would have stuck with the ridiculous, but adding ridiculously insensitive......

    Agreed with this. Insensitive.
  • I have to say that I have always felt the same things. More so with loving and accepting my own appearance. I have emotional beak downs sometimes over it because I keep it all inside..I feel I have co e a long way by using positive thinking and looking for help in my social worker especially. But it lingers and likes to come up even when there are so many other things for me to be happy about. Support helps a lot, reading what people have to say here has made me smile. Never let anyone tell you that you are less than what you are, that you aren't good enough or put of place. Everyone has a place in this world and no one has the right to say otherwise. Treat others with the level of respect and caring that you would like from them. :heart:
  • attitude reconstruction.......please google these two words togther....it is a FB page.

    This has helped me tremendously. After so many years of verbal abuse I too felt ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

    Everyday that you wake up you should thank the lord for your life and know that you are special, good, and loving.

    God did not create any ugly people. It is just how you preceive yourself....

    Good luck pretty girl
  • crazybookworm
    crazybookworm Posts: 779 Member
    First off, I'm so sorry to hear that people have said those things to you! They have been said to me in the past as well, and I know how painful it feels. Unfortunately, you begin to believe those hurtful words. Whoever says those things steal a little piece of you each time.

    I have never really Loved myself until now. It was when I started to be selfish and take care of myself that I realized I am worth it, and I am a hell of a lot better than those jerks who told me I was no good. If you believe their words, you are letting them win.

    It's not a fast process to work on yourself and to learn to love yourself. It takes one day at a time. You need to give yourself that time. Take some time to talk to yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you ARE worth it. You are BETTER than them. You WILL succeed in everything you set out to do. I know that may sound cheesy, and you may feel a bit funny doing it at first, but believe me, it works! And pretty soon you will enjoy that quality time with yourself. You'll start smiling at yourself, and pretty soon you will start to love that reflection of yours!

    Hang in there!!
  • It looks like you are off to a good start(I looked through your pics)I love the new hair color.You have to completely change your view .I figured out that I'm my own worst enemy.I beat myself up more than anybody else ever could. I took a good look at myself a few weeks ago..and yes I'm overweight.But I have more good things going for me than that 1 thing and I can fix that...and I'm worth the effort.Surround yourself with positive people and get rid of the negative ones.The first things that I did when I started was colored my hair,bought new clothes and make up.It was small things but it gave me a boost.Don't be so hard n yourself...Oh and your eyes are gorgeous:)Don't give up!
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
    I wish I'd known, when i was younger & feeling really similar, how much of a difference styling can make, both for your own self-perception & others' responses. It's not superficial - how we dress affects how we behave, and our expectations. & by taking control (to the extent it's possible) of perceptions, we feel more in control.

    The most attractive women I've known totally worked their own beauty, and didn't try to fit into some mold they couldn't.

    For example. I just looked at some of your pics, and you have gorgeous cheekbones, beautifully shaped almond eyes, and very pretty cupid's bow lips. Play this stuff up!

    And, look for inspiration in healthy places - ie, look to women with your silhouette or features. It's ok to copy them a bit, until you figure things out for yourself.

    edit: internal work is more important, of course, but other people touched on that.

    I would say in general, it is much better to work to your strengths, rather than try to correct weaknesses. & putting yourself in situations where the things you're good at are valued, & cutting out jerks, is really, really important.
  • I am sure you are a beautiful person in and out .!! everyday of my life someone has said something rude to me,smart off to me, even my ex husbands family would say something to me about my weight or my teeth or clothes. I just couldnt please them . I came to realize thatt people are like this and they say thing to make you feel bad because it makes them feel better , how people sleep at night i will never know....I think You are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:smile:
  • jworb
    jworb Posts: 146 Member
    I definitely second the recommendations of professional help. Therapy can do wonders, and many areas have programs for free or low-cost mental health services for the uninsured.

    That said, there are also a number of self-esteem workbooks you can do at home that are probably inexpensive via amazon (but make sure you buy new because someone else may have filled them out already, which would be distracting).
  • deseraeloves
    deseraeloves Posts: 18 Member
    i use a good, unscented lotion to love myself.

    Ridiulous.

    Ridiculously funny.



    I would have stuck with the ridiculous, but adding ridiculously insensitive......

    Agreed with this. Insensitive.

    I think you guys are misunderstanding my point of quoting it in the first place. It is ridiculous. And there's a lot more that you can add to the description of that statement, most unsupportive. But while I was getting all serious and choked up in this feed, literally, because that's something I struggle with too, I've come to abpoint where I literally hate myself and my body, that quote changed my mood and made me chuckle.

    So I just hope noone mistook that as me being insensitive as well.
    I just figured, while that guy was most likely trying to be a jerk, I figured is let him know his mission failed in my eyes because I was not offended lol