Just need to vent! :(

What a pity. I hope it all works out for your son. Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify. The children will be effected from this no matter what. I've been through this, and everything was done to try and ease the pain for the children. All the children learn to do is suppress their feelings and put on a happy face. But deep down, they hurt. For your son, you and your ex have got to communicate. Even if you are not together anymore, he is still the sons dad and you are his mom. And that's all he knows.

Good morning ~ I've been dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex for the last few weeks. Actually, it's kind of been a recurring thing for a number of years. I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him. However, in the midst of all of this arguing and 'negotiating', he has clearly lost sight of the fact that this is all about our son. He is dredging up things from the ancient past (like 15 years ago - before I was even pregnant with out son!) and is just getting downright nasty and hurtful. I know that hurting me is exactly what he is trying to do - and boy, is he good at it! He takes the parts of my life that I am the most ashamed of, the parts that I regret the very most - and is using them against me - threatening to tell our son (only 13) "the whole truth" about my past (even though that has nothing to do with him or our current situation). Ouch. No one has ever been able to make me cry like that man does! Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown:

Here is what he is banking on...controlling you to protect your past what he is not thinking of is when a child hears these things from one parent they love about another parent they love they resent knowing these things or hearing them and it backfires. I have been thru this and it was ugly and my step-daughter loves me for who I am because I have treated her like a young adult when possible but have taken her out of knowing about money issues, arguements and the drama caused by her dad and ex step-dad. Bottom line, you do you and keep your head up. You cannot control what he says but you have to keep control and figure out what you say when your son asks you about these things. My 16 year old step daughter goes so far as to say she does not even want to go to visitation at her dads due to all he has put her thru.

Keep your head up and try to not give this jerk-wad the power to control your emotions. Good luck!

I'd ask him what relevance that has to what's going on here and now and if there is none I'd say that but that's me and I'm just THAT way. *HUGS* Good luck with the ex-hole.

He's 13. He's not a baby. He sees what is going on.

You cannot control what he says but you have to keep control and figure out what you say when your son asks you about these things.

I agree with this.

Real "MEN" do not put there own agenda before the welfare of there child.I was on the other side of this 17 years ago.Although I was cheated on and left with just weekends with my daughter,I never talked down about my X in front of my child.I never missed a child support payment,and was always available to pick her up/see her if the need arose.I have a friend that is in the same situation as you,and don't get it.I kknow that sometimes it seems hopeless,but the only advice I can give is...stick to your guns,try hard not to let you son see the hurt he's causing you,and say as little as possible.In the future,all will become clear in your childs eyes and you'll come out the real winner!Hang in there!

I agree that you should tell your son about your past mistakes and how it affected you and changed you as a person and what you learned from them. If you still have an attorney involved I would definitely talk to him about what is going on between you and your husband and son. Your son shouldn't be exposed to such negativity...it will affect him in a bad way. By telling your son about your past you one-upped your husband and will be able to explain everything honestly so he will be able to know the truth before your *kitten* of a husband dumps a bunch of cruel words on him. Hopefully, your son will see your husband for what he is...a jack *kitten*. Hugs to you and I hope that things improve, but they really don't sound like it right now.

Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.

Pfffttt. Hogwash.

My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.

Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.

Anyway, moving on.

OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.

If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.

Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.

Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.

Because it is.

When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone. When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone!

I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.

This is exactly what I was going to say. There are things in everyone's past that we probably aren't proud of. Personally, I plan to share those mistakes and how I grew from them with my children. I'm already talking to my step-daughter about some of it. I think it's important to be open and honest with your children. I think your son will respect YOU more for doing so, for being upfront and not having secrets. You unfortunately can't control the things your ex says and does, but you CAN control how you react. I hope your ex realizes that he is only hurting your son and things get better soon!

Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.

Pfffttt. Hogwash.

My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.

Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.

Anyway, moving on.

OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.

If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.

Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.

Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.

Because it is.

This.

I have a similar situation with my ex-husband. He CLAIMS that he "never speaks about me to our children" yet our 4 year old twins came home the other day spouting off some hogwash that clearly came from their father. My ex tries to beat me down, just like yours does. He knows how to hurt me, and he does it.....on purpose, every time.

Rise above. Don't let him affect you. I cut off all contact with my ex. I have a "middle man" for pick up/drop offs (which isn't hard seeing my ex ONLY sees his kids 1 day a week and doesn't call or talk to them at all in between). I don't have to see him, hear him, listen to him etc.

In the beginning, when I still "had contact" he would rake me over the coals, call me, text me, email me.....anything to get at me. When I started the "middle man" ( he picks up my kids while i'm still at work from my parents/their daycare providers and drops them off at the same place) he stopped talking to all of us, entirely. He knew he lost his affect.

Some people are absolutely terrible. Your son may "believe" his hogwash NOW, but as he grows older, he is going to RESENT and be bitter towards his father for cutting down his mother. Boys are VERY attached to their mothers. Your ex may think that he's got the upper hand now, because at 13, your son may fall into the trap and believe things he probably shouldn't, but come 20, 25, 30....as he wisens up, he's going to realize that you're not that way at all, especially seeings he's lived with you all his life, and he's NEVER seen anything remotely like his father is saying.

Keep your head up, stay strong, and never let him know he's hurting you.