Just need to vent! :(
shorthand73
Posts: 118 Member
Good morning ~ I've been dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex for the last few weeks. Actually, it's kind of been a recurring thing for a number of years. I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him. However, in the midst of all of this arguing and 'negotiating', he has clearly lost sight of the fact that this is all about our son. He is dredging up things from the ancient past (like 15 years ago - before I was even pregnant with out son!) and is just getting downright nasty and hurtful. I know that hurting me is exactly what he is trying to do - and boy, is he good at it! He takes the parts of my life that I am the most ashamed of, the parts that I regret the very most - and is using them against me - threatening to tell our son (only 13) "the whole truth" about my past (even though that has nothing to do with him or our current situation). Ouch. No one has ever been able to make me cry like that man does! 
Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown:
Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown: 0
Replies
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What an *kitten* I'm sorry but if he tells your son negative things about you the only one he will hurt is your son, tell him to stop being so vicious that he's willing to hurt his own son just so that'll hurt you
Also tell him a parent who slags off another parent to their child will only acheive having the child resent the parent who's being vindictive in using them in that way. 0 -
What a pity. I hope it all works out for your son. Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify. The children will be effected from this no matter what. I've been through this, and everything was done to try and ease the pain for the children. All the children learn to do is suppress their feelings and put on a happy face. But deep down, they hurt. For your son, you and your ex have got to communicate. Even if you are not together anymore, he is still the sons dad and you are his mom. And that's all he knows.0
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I worked in a solicitors for a while dealing with family matters and it's all about slating the other person, it's an ugly thing, but to get what you want some people see no other way because they know they're not in a stronger position without it.
It's such a shame that bringing something so wonderful into the world means that such an ugly bond has to be kept.0 -
Good morning ~ I've been dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex for the last few weeks. Actually, it's kind of been a recurring thing for a number of years. I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him. However, in the midst of all of this arguing and 'negotiating', he has clearly lost sight of the fact that this is all about our son. He is dredging up things from the ancient past (like 15 years ago - before I was even pregnant with out son!) and is just getting downright nasty and hurtful. I know that hurting me is exactly what he is trying to do - and boy, is he good at it! He takes the parts of my life that I am the most ashamed of, the parts that I regret the very most - and is using them against me - threatening to tell our son (only 13) "the whole truth" about my past (even though that has nothing to do with him or our current situation). Ouch. No one has ever been able to make me cry like that man does! Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown:
Here is what he is banking on...controlling you to protect your past what he is not thinking of is when a child hears these things from one parent they love about another parent they love they resent knowing these things or hearing them and it backfires. I have been thru this and it was ugly and my step-daughter loves me for who I am because I have treated her like a young adult when possible but have taken her out of knowing about money issues, arguements and the drama caused by her dad and ex step-dad. Bottom line, you do you and keep your head up. You cannot control what he says but you have to keep control and figure out what you say when your son asks you about these things. My 16 year old step daughter goes so far as to say she does not even want to go to visitation at her dads due to all he has put her thru.
Keep your head up and try to not give this jerk-wad the power to control your emotions. Good luck!0 -
Hold your head high and remember that, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." None of us are perfect. Your son will have to learn that too. Hopefully, not by a vengeful father!
In the meantime, just do what you can do- be a good mother and let the rest take care of itself. Stop giving your ex this power over you. Who is he to hurt you!? When he doesn't have that power and it doesn't affect you, is when it will finally stop.
Best wishes!0 -
I'd ask him what relevance that has to what's going on here and now and if there is none I'd say that but that's me and I'm just THAT way. *HUGS* Good luck with the ex-hole.
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I am so very sorry you're going through this. Stories like this remind me how lucky I am that I rarely have issues with my ex.
However, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (or something to that effect). I think if I were in that position, the next time he made such threats, I would tell my ex that while I've done things I'm not proud of, I know he's been no angel either. If all he can think about is ways to tear you down to your son, then he's the one with the issues, not you. He's really nothing more than a bully, is he?
I really wish I had some words of wisdom that could solve your issues, even though I know that you're really just venting. Hang in there and try to not let him get to you too much.0 -
He's 13. He's not a baby. He sees what is going on.You cannot control what he says but you have to keep control and figure out what you say when your son asks you about these things.
I agree with this.0 -
I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.0
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Real "MEN" do not put there own agenda before the welfare of there child.I was on the other side of this 17 years ago.Although I was cheated on and left with just weekends with my daughter,I never talked down about my X in front of my child.I never missed a child support payment,and was always available to pick her up/see her if the need arose.I have a friend that is in the same situation as you,and don't get it.I kknow that sometimes it seems hopeless,but the only advice I can give is...stick to your guns,try hard not to let you son see the hurt he's causing you,and say as little as possible.In the future,all will become clear in your childs eyes and you'll come out the real winner!Hang in there!0
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Your ex is a KN**HEAD. His is just trying to control you as he can see you are getting on with your life without him and making yourself healthier has really threatened him.
I think if your son is 13 you could talk to him and explain what his dad is saying, as he will know more than he is letting on. I don't know what you did in the past but that doesn't really matter. My sister in law had the simlar issue when her son was 13 her ex was threatening to tell him all kinds of information. She spoke to her son and explained what her ex was threatening, she said to her son that she could tell him a little bit of the TRUTH now or when he was older and could understand more she would tell him the whole truth. He said he was bothered about any of it and if her ex tried to tell him he would tell him he didn't want to know and that he knew his mum loved him and that's all that mattered not what she had or hadn't done years before.
Good Luck with it all its must not be a nice place to be in. But remember you are the better person. God Bless xx0 -
I agree that you should tell your son about your past mistakes and how it affected you and changed you as a person and what you learned from them. If you still have an attorney involved I would definitely talk to him about what is going on between you and your husband and son. Your son shouldn't be exposed to such negativity...it will affect him in a bad way. By telling your son about your past you one-upped your husband and will be able to explain everything honestly so he will be able to know the truth before your *kitten* of a husband dumps a bunch of cruel words on him. Hopefully, your son will see your husband for what he is...a jack *kitten*. Hugs to you and I hope that things improve, but they really don't sound like it right now.0
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Bump for later, I have a similar situation goin on right now.0
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Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.0 -
I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him.
Mission accomplished.0 -
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone. When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go. Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone!0 -
Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
This is the best advice I have seen/heard. She's obviously a smartie, listen to her!!!0 -
I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.
This is exactly what I was going to say. There are things in everyone's past that we probably aren't proud of. Personally, I plan to share those mistakes and how I grew from them with my children. I'm already talking to my step-daughter about some of it. I think it's important to be open and honest with your children. I think your son will respect YOU more for doing so, for being upfront and not having secrets. You unfortunately can't control the things your ex says and does, but you CAN control how you react. I hope your ex realizes that he is only hurting your son and things get better soon!0 -
What a jerk, good for you for walking away from him. Honestly, if you were that bad then what does it say about him that he would even be with you for so long, let alone have a child with you! :noway: If he can't move on from things that happened so long ago then he needs a counselor, and he should keep your son out of it. But, I'm pretty sure that your son will love you just as much if not more even if his dad tries to cut you down with him. Sometimes it doesn't hurt kids to know their parents are human, and they have made mistakes. Especially if they are good parents, they made things right and learned from their mistakes. Good luck with everything. Just keep your chin up and don't play his games.0
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Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
This.
I have a similar situation with my ex-husband. He CLAIMS that he "never speaks about me to our children" yet our 4 year old twins came home the other day spouting off some hogwash that clearly came from their father. My ex tries to beat me down, just like yours does. He knows how to hurt me, and he does it.....on purpose, every time.
Rise above. Don't let him affect you. I cut off all contact with my ex. I have a "middle man" for pick up/drop offs (which isn't hard seeing my ex ONLY sees his kids 1 day a week and doesn't call or talk to them at all in between). I don't have to see him, hear him, listen to him etc.
In the beginning, when I still "had contact" he would rake me over the coals, call me, text me, email me.....anything to get at me. When I started the "middle man" ( he picks up my kids while i'm still at work from my parents/their daycare providers and drops them off at the same place) he stopped talking to all of us, entirely. He knew he lost his affect.
Some people are absolutely terrible. Your son may "believe" his hogwash NOW, but as he grows older, he is going to RESENT and be bitter towards his father for cutting down his mother. Boys are VERY attached to their mothers. Your ex may think that he's got the upper hand now, because at 13, your son may fall into the trap and believe things he probably shouldn't, but come 20, 25, 30....as he wisens up, he's going to realize that you're not that way at all, especially seeings he's lived with you all his life, and he's NEVER seen anything remotely like his father is saying.
Keep your head up, stay strong, and never let him know he's hurting you.0 -
During my divorce, we were both instructed NOT to say anything negative about the other and how harmful it can be to the children when parents do this. In fact, this language was part of the support agreement. I hope he wises up and realizes it will hurt your child more than you.0
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I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.
Absolutely! And stop giving him the power to make you miserable! YOU control your own happiness...if you let him control it, you are giving him power!0 -
divorce is NEVER good for the children.
Statements like this upset me. I am from a divorced home - I was an adult when my parents divorced so their divorce never impacted me the way it could have however; I watched 2 of my younger brothers who were 8 and 16 go through it and honestly... they are far far better at expessing their feelings than I am. My biological father didn't have anything to do with them after the divorce (his choice - he had access when he wanted it) but my mother never once and still doesn't talk about him in a negative way in front of us. Infact when I start saying something about my strong dislike for the man she stops me and we are all adults now.
I think in some situations divorce is GOOD for the children, had my parents stayed together my 2 younger brothers would have grown up in a very volitile and angry household like I did. and let me tell you something... growing up in a volitile house only makes you angry.
OP - Limiting interaction with him is probably your best option if it is possible. IF there are lawyers involved have the lawyers do the talking, if its mediation have the mediator do the talking. He is saying hurtful things to you to stir the pot and make you upset/angry/hurt.
also express to him that if he brings your past up to your son it may hurt him. No parent should ever want to hurt their child - even if it is to get back at an ex.0 -
You may not be able to control if your son hears about your past but you can control how he hears about it. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. You tell your son about it. You can explain it in away that won't make it as bad. The reasons behind the behavior etc. Your ex will not do that. He will just try to make you look bad. Let him know how ashamed you are about, but it is part of who you are and what made you into the wonderful person you are now. Above all, let your son know how much you love him and how he is absolutely the best thing that ever happened in your life. Let him know you are proud of him. More than likely you will cry when you are telling him. And that is not a bad thing. Probability is it will not change his opinion of you as his mother one single bit.0
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There is and it's UP! It's in the past... way past and is over and done with. Who cares anymore... it played a part in who you are today. I don't care how bad the thing was you did.... Ha, we have ALL got those things in our closet.
I'm sure your mom used to say to you... Ignore it, pretend it doesn't bother you no matter how much it does. If he thinks he can't get to you, maybe he'll give up.
If you are a good mom and love your son, your son knows it. It doesn' matter what his Dad tells him as much as you don't want him to hear it. Who knows... maybe the *kitten* really wouldn't say anything to him.
My brother is in a similar situation, his ex has told his girls so much crap about him... alot of it lies. They never believed any of it. They kept there mouth shut to their wacko mom and let her spew lies about their dad but in the end, when they chose to live with him and can't hardly stomach the ground she walks on. They could see through it but more importantly... there Dad was an awsome Dad... Now they are grown with children and his grand kids love him to death and don't even know their grandmother. (who is still a wack job).
Rise above it, let him destroy himself.
Wishing you all the best!0 -
Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
BEST ADVICE0 -
I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.
This is exactly what I was going to say. There are things in everyone's past that we probably aren't proud of. Personally, I plan to share those mistakes and how I grew from them with my children. I'm already talking to my step-daughter about some of it. I think it's important to be open and honest with your children. I think your son will respect YOU more for doing so, for being upfront and not having secrets. You unfortunately can't control the things your ex says and does, but you CAN control how you react. I hope your ex realizes that he is only hurting your son and things get better soon!
Your ex is being hurtful, because he still hurts! One of the best ways to take the power away from him, is to tell you son yourself. Your story, your terms, your facts. Someone has to protect your son, it might as well be you! Hugs for getting through it!!!0 -
OK, you've vented and now time for action and I advise you to take a deep breath and do nothing. If he starts take a deep breath and smile sweetly and say "If that is what you think is best for our son, then thank you for informing me."
My X was a real piece of work and my solicitor advised this and she was right, he got so mad he couldn't sting a sentence together BUT that's because I took away his power over me and not because he was mad with our child.0 -
If you tell your son yourself then you have taken the wind out of your ex's sails. Honesty is the best policy. I have told my kids everything good and bad I have done and used it as a learning experience for them. This basically applies to both my 16 and 13 year olds. The younger ones wouldnt understand anyway. Seeing that I am human, I've made mistakes, I've grown up, and I am a responsible adult makes my children see life a little more realistically. That said, my kids tell me everything. We have a very open line of communication and I know it stems from my openness with them. I would also recommend limiting conversation with your ex over anything that doesnt directly involve your son. If that doesnt work, then I would let your lawyers handle all communication. It gets expensive after awhile but in highly tense situations it can help.0
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Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
This is the best advice I have seen/heard. She's obviously a smartie, listen to her!!!
I agree!0
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