Settling vs. Accepting
songbyrdsweet
Posts: 5,691 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
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Replies
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My head just exploded.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=uTAxZPOtGKk&feature=endscreen
I was listening to this while reading this spooky0 -
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
I've often pondered this. Don't have any answers. Just thought I'd say I'd pondered it.0 -
Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.
Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.
With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:0 -
My head just exploded.
^^^^ this.
Could you be more specific? what are you settling for, and what do you wish were different0 -
You probably need to break up if you are asking this...I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.0
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It depends on what level you are settling?
Is it something big? Or something little like "Everybody thinks I could have somebody hotter" I mean...well settling means different thing to different people.
I was in a relationship for a very long time where I settled on every single level. To such a point where when I was out of it, I couldn't even believe who I was.
Don't lose yourself to fit with this person. That's settling.0 -
Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.
Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.
With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:
LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.
It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.
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I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
I've often pondered this. Don't have any answers. Just thought I'd say I'd pondered it.
Man, glad it's not just me.0 -
It depends on what level you are settling?
Is it something big? Or something little like "Everybody thinks I could have somebody hotter" I mean...well settling means different thing to different people.
I was in a relationship for a very long time where I settled on every single level. To such a point where when I was out of it, I couldn't even believe who I was.
Don't lose yourself to fit with this person. That's settling.
I don't know if it's big. On the whole we get along really well. No one else knows much about my relationship because I'm pretty private, so no one else has given their opinions. I find him very attractive but he might not be conventionally attractive. We are kind to each other and respectful, but not always engaged.0 -
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
What your doing is the same as settling. If you don't like it don't settle.
Accepting a situation implies its a short term situation that you accept just until it improves. He has a bad temper you accept he will get help and you will try to help too so you both grow.
Settling means you have given up and accepted this is all your worth.
Accept : power you grow and change
Settle : this is all i'm worth i have grown all i can and deserve whatever that brings.0 -
This is deep. I feel the same way, but I realize I'm just settling, maybe he's settling too, but I know I am settling.0
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Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.
Try once a year. That was my ex-husband. I tried, really. But at 30 years old I had to admit defeat.
You'll know when it's too much (or not enough, in this instance.)0 -
Never settle or accept less than you feel you deserve. You are young....the right one that deserves you will come along.0
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Honestly, settling only brings resentment. I am 25 years old, and I never dated because I couldn't find a man who met my expectations of an ideal partner. However, a few months ago I met a guy who can fulfill my most basic needs. I have accepted that his personality is difficult at times but not entirely in a bad way. He is quiet and introverted which sometimes makes it difficult to understand what he wants and needs. The moral of the story is you can only settle if you are not getting what you think you deserve. You have control over this. You only can accept things you can't control.0
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I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.
dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest
For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.0 -
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
What your doing is the same as settling. If you don't like it don't settle.
Accepting a situation implies its a short term situation that you accept just until it improves. He has a bad temper you accept he will get help and you will try to help too so you both grow.
Settling means you have given up and accepted this is all your worth.
Accept : power you grow and change
Settle : this is all i'm worth i have grown all i can and deserve whatever that brings.
I know I'm worthy of a lot. I have been told that I'm an awesome girlfriend and I am confident in that. I'm supportive, attentive, and understanding. I am always trying to grow as an individual and a couple and I enjoy productive conversations and avoid hurtful arguments. I try not to have many expectations because that leads to silly arguments about the mechanics of a relationship which should always be dynamic...but it's the sentiment behind the actions (or inactions) that bother me. Can't call because your phone is dead or you are driving or busy at work? That's totally fine. Don't call because you don't want to sit for 10 minutes while the phone is charging? Ehh, really, it's that big of a deal? You don't want to text because your phone is annoying to text on? I mean, really? Your dogs are annoying too but I deal with them and am even helping train them so they stop waking you up at 4am barking and tearing up your furniture.
So I know I have the power to grow but it takes two.0 -
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?
I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.
So, yea. Thoughts?
I totally understand and am in the exact same situation. Let me know when you figure it out.0 -
Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.
Try once a year. That was my ex-husband. I tried, really. But at 30 years old I had to admit defeat.
You'll know when it's too much (or not enough, in this instance.)
Guhhh. I'm 25, he's 30. It was twice a day for the first couple months we were dating. Suddenly it began to peter out. Now at 6 months I get it once on Saturday and once on Sunday. As you can imagine it doesn't last long when it only happens on the weekends. I will say the lead-in is excellent and he makes sure I get my rocks off, but if I wanted an orgasm speed-session for 5 minutes I'd just do it myself. I do try to initiate and we have communicated about it so it's not like I'm keeping it a dark secret or anything.0 -
I am dealing with something very similar right now and am crying typing this. I don't know what to tell you, sorry, just thought you should know you are not alone :sad: :brokenheart:0
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There you go that's what you mean to him for all that matters: to him your not worth charging his phone for 10 mins.
No way around it, now you say to him this is important to me for x reason and can you change that so i don't feel y.
He changes it and treats you how you wish or you grow and deal with what ever insecurity is causing you to feel like this.
Both grow or you end it.
I had a horrible horrible break up that im surprised did not end in a murder/death so thats my source haha people have a horrible way of living just now.0 -
Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.
Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.
With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:
LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.
It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.
Those are some BIG things, sister!! In my opinion, if the list of things that bothers you is that long, I don't think it's worth it. It shouldn't be a chore to talk to you, make time for you, or have sex with you! Those are the best parts of a relationship. Ending things is always hard, but after a couple weeks or months, you'll feel so much better. I did a crazy amount of over-analyzing in my last relationship and it really brought me down. I ended it and I am so, so much happier. You deserve to feel great at least 90% of the time!0 -
I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.
dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest
For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.
Yea, I don't have many of those and he does meet them. Self-sufficient, stable, educated, doesn't want kids, not religious. He's just a bit laissez-faire (sp?) when I'm not around. Really weird. It's like I have no boyfriend unless I am in his physical vicinity.0 -
Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.
Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.
With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:
LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.
It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.
Those are some BIG things, sister!! In my opinion, if the list of things that bothers you is that long, I don't think it's worth it. It shouldn't be a chore to talk to you, make time for you, or have sex with you! Those are the best parts of a relationship. Ending things is always hard, but after a couple weeks or months, you'll feel so much better. I did a crazy amount of over-analyzing in my last relationship and it really brought me down. I ended it and I am so, so much happier. You deserve to feel great at least 90% of the time!
Well, with the exception of the sex, those things are all perfect when I'm with him for a little while. We have really excellent conversations and he's very affectionate. It usually takes an evening to warm up and then the weekend is awesome leading into Monday. Then Tues-Thurs he's off the radar. Friday he's a zombie. When we spend a lot of time together, things are great, but our schedules don't really allow that and we don't plan on living together any time soon. When we're apart, we are REALLY apart. It feels weird to mesh again on the weekend.0 -
My perspective, FWIW: If you absolutely love the guy but you're trying to get past a few things he does that drive you bonkers, that's accepting. If the guy meets your "must-have" criteria but you're just not feeling it deep down, that's settling.0
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I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.
dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest
For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.
Yea, I don't have many of those and he does meet them. Self-sufficient, stable, educated, doesn't want kids, not religious. He's just a bit laissez-faire (sp?) when I'm not around. Really weird. It's like I have no boyfriend unless I am in his physical vicinity.
it sounds like you should add some items to your non negotiable list. From reading your post it seams like you need to feel like you are central in his life and right now he is not demonstrating it. That should be a non negotiable.0 -
I am dealing with something very similar right now and am crying typing this. I don't know what to tell you, sorry, just thought you should know you are not alone :sad: :brokenheart:
Yea, me too. It's cathartic. ::hug::
Just really scary when you know the person is truly a good person, and you're a good person, but you have no clue whether it will actually work out.0 -
I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.
dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest
For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.
Yea, I don't have many of those and he does meet them. Self-sufficient, stable, educated, doesn't want kids, not religious. He's just a bit laissez-faire (sp?) when I'm not around. Really weird. It's like I have no boyfriend unless I am in his physical vicinity.
it sounds like you should add some items to your non negotiable list. From reading your post it seams like you need to feel like you are central in his life and right now he is not demonstrating it. That should be a non negotiable.
Not central, but somewhere in the middle. I would like to feel desired and interesting to him. I think I'm interesting.0 -
A lot of times I feel like I am just settling but at my age (58), I'm not sure there's much I can do about it. Well, intellectually I know I can, but it's easier for me at this point in my life to settle.
If I was younger and looking at a long life ahead of me, I would make some changes. Sometimes I feel like I am just being taken advantage of and always last on the totem pole for anything.
Heck, so there is no way I can tell you what you should be doing. I'm doing crap with myself.0 -
A lot of times I feel like I am just settling but at my age (58), I'm not sure there's much I can do about it. Well, intellectually I know I can, but it's easier for me at this point in my life to settle.
If I was younger and looking at a long life ahead of me, I would make some changes. Sometimes I feel like I am just being taken advantage of and always last on the totem pole for anything.
Heck, so there is no way I can tell you what you should be doing. I'm doing crap with myself.
Well, you are here on MFP improving your health!
So you are being good to yourself in that way. 0
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