Settling vs. Accepting

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songbyrdsweet
songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

So, yea. Thoughts?
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Replies

  • n2thenight24
    n2thenight24 Posts: 1,651 Member
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    My head just exploded.

    mind_9ef954_1085651.gif
  • fraser112
    fraser112 Posts: 405
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=uTAxZPOtGKk&feature=endscreen

    I was listening to this while reading this spooky
  • TheCaren
    TheCaren Posts: 894 Member
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    I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

    I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

    So, yea. Thoughts?

    I've often pondered this. Don't have any answers. Just thought I'd say I'd pondered it.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,120 Member
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    Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.

    Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.

    With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:
  • Siege_Tank
    Siege_Tank Posts: 781 Member
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    My head just exploded.

    mind_9ef954_1085651.gif

    ^^^^ this.

    Could you be more specific? what are you settling for, and what do you wish were different
  • gingerveg
    gingerveg Posts: 748 Member
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    You probably need to break up if you are asking this...I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    It depends on what level you are settling?

    Is it something big? Or something little like "Everybody thinks I could have somebody hotter" I mean...well settling means different thing to different people.

    I was in a relationship for a very long time where I settled on every single level. To such a point where when I was out of it, I couldn't even believe who I was.

    Don't lose yourself to fit with this person. That's settling.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.

    Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.

    With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:

    LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.

    It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out. :/
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

    I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

    So, yea. Thoughts?

    I've often pondered this. Don't have any answers. Just thought I'd say I'd pondered it.

    Man, glad it's not just me.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    It depends on what level you are settling?

    Is it something big? Or something little like "Everybody thinks I could have somebody hotter" I mean...well settling means different thing to different people.

    I was in a relationship for a very long time where I settled on every single level. To such a point where when I was out of it, I couldn't even believe who I was.

    Don't lose yourself to fit with this person. That's settling.

    I don't know if it's big. On the whole we get along really well. No one else knows much about my relationship because I'm pretty private, so no one else has given their opinions. I find him very attractive but he might not be conventionally attractive. We are kind to each other and respectful, but not always engaged.
  • fraser112
    fraser112 Posts: 405
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    I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

    I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

    So, yea. Thoughts?

    What your doing is the same as settling. If you don't like it don't settle.

    Accepting a situation implies its a short term situation that you accept just until it improves. He has a bad temper you accept he will get help and you will try to help too so you both grow.

    Settling means you have given up and accepted this is all your worth.

    Accept : power you grow and change

    Settle : this is all i'm worth i have grown all i can and deserve whatever that brings.
  • jigglewiggles
    jigglewiggles Posts: 173 Member
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    This is deep. I feel the same way, but I realize I'm just settling, maybe he's settling too, but I know I am settling.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,120 Member
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    Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out. :/

    Try once a year. That was my ex-husband. I tried, really. But at 30 years old I had to admit defeat.

    You'll know when it's too much (or not enough, in this instance.)
  • terra32903
    terra32903 Posts: 185 Member
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    Never settle or accept less than you feel you deserve. You are young....the right one that deserves you will come along.
  • EBFNP
    EBFNP Posts: 529 Member
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    Honestly, settling only brings resentment. I am 25 years old, and I never dated because I couldn't find a man who met my expectations of an ideal partner. However, a few months ago I met a guy who can fulfill my most basic needs. I have accepted that his personality is difficult at times but not entirely in a bad way. He is quiet and introverted which sometimes makes it difficult to understand what he wants and needs. The moral of the story is you can only settle if you are not getting what you think you deserve. You have control over this. You only can accept things you can't control.
  • mredsolomon
    mredsolomon Posts: 22 Member
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    I think everyone should have a list of non negotiable. What I mean by that is traits or attributes in a partner that is of the upmost importance and without those traits it would be hard to continue a relationship. Then everything beyond that is just minor annoyances.

    dont accept any thing less then your non negotiables and settle for the rest

    For me she had to be hard working, want children, similar values/morals, etc. all the other stuff really doesn’t matter.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

    I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

    So, yea. Thoughts?

    What your doing is the same as settling. If you don't like it don't settle.

    Accepting a situation implies its a short term situation that you accept just until it improves. He has a bad temper you accept he will get help and you will try to help too so you both grow.

    Settling means you have given up and accepted this is all your worth.

    Accept : power you grow and change

    Settle : this is all i'm worth i have grown all i can and deserve whatever that brings.

    I know I'm worthy of a lot. I have been told that I'm an awesome girlfriend and I am confident in that. I'm supportive, attentive, and understanding. I am always trying to grow as an individual and a couple and I enjoy productive conversations and avoid hurtful arguments. I try not to have many expectations because that leads to silly arguments about the mechanics of a relationship which should always be dynamic...but it's the sentiment behind the actions (or inactions) that bother me. Can't call because your phone is dead or you are driving or busy at work? That's totally fine. Don't call because you don't want to sit for 10 minutes while the phone is charging? Ehh, really, it's that big of a deal? You don't want to text because your phone is annoying to text on? I mean, really? Your dogs are annoying too but I deal with them and am even helping train them so they stop waking you up at 4am barking and tearing up your furniture.

    So I know I have the power to grow but it takes two.
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
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    I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

    I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

    So, yea. Thoughts?

    I totally understand and am in the exact same situation. Let me know when you figure it out.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out. :/

    Try once a year. That was my ex-husband. I tried, really. But at 30 years old I had to admit defeat.

    You'll know when it's too much (or not enough, in this instance.)

    Guhhh. I'm 25, he's 30. It was twice a day for the first couple months we were dating. Suddenly it began to peter out. Now at 6 months I get it once on Saturday and once on Sunday. As you can imagine it doesn't last long when it only happens on the weekends. I will say the lead-in is excellent and he makes sure I get my rocks off, but if I wanted an orgasm speed-session for 5 minutes I'd just do it myself. I do try to initiate and we have communicated about it so it's not like I'm keeping it a dark secret or anything.
  • SLRamirez2012
    SLRamirez2012 Posts: 297
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    I am dealing with something very similar right now and am crying typing this. I don't know what to tell you, sorry, just thought you should know you are not alone :sad: :brokenheart:

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