Name calling from significant others

chrlslove7
chrlslove7 Posts: 136 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I am in need of some advice and experience from anyone who has been called names or ridiculed for their weight from significant others. How have you overcome the pain? Sometimes, I repeat the words I've been called (fat-*kitten*, lazy, gross, etc) in my head and and having difficulty forgetting or learning to think past what I've been called. I know weight does not define who you are as a person nor does it define your worth; however, I am really struggling with this. Any advice or encouragement would be very helpful. Thanks:flowerforyou:
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Replies

  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,733 Member
    I am in need of some advice and experience from anyone who has been called names or ridiculed for their weight from significant others. How have you overcome the pain? Sometimes, I repeat the words I've been called (fat, lazy, gross, etc) in my head and and having difficulty forgetting or learning to think past what I've been called. I know weight does not define who you are as a person nor does it define your worth; however, I am really struggling with this. Any advice or encouragement would be very helpful. Thanks:flowerforyou:

    i'd say the person with the real problem is the one calling you the names. if it's somebody close to you, how could they possibly feel they have the right to use abusive language like that, unless they are so angry in the heat of the moment that they blurt it out. in that case, they'd likely apologize later. but if somebody close to you routinely uses language to insult and belittle you, that is somebody who has issues in their own head. maybe you should think about putting some distance between you and them.

    obviously, words can hurt and once those remarks have been said, they are going to be rattling around in your head as well. analyze them coldly. see if you think any of them are true. if they are true, then make up your mind to do something about that in yourself. for the rest of them... just learn to turn down the volume in your head. we all have insecurities. as you get older, you just learn that many of them are irrational and you stop listening to them. that's about all i can say on the matter. unless you want to start paying a shrink big $$$ for weekly sessions, YOU are the only one who can come to grips with the thoughts in your own head. either let them paralyze you, or decide you are going to live your life on your terms in spite of your internal self-doubts. you only get one life. there are no do-overs. don't waste a single day of it not doing something you want to do.
  • PamelaKuz
    PamelaKuz Posts: 191 Member
    I don't know if I should be chiming in here or not, but here goes. I don't know if its because I have a lot of confidence, or it's because of my family, but for whatever reason, no one in my life has EVER called me a fat *kitten*, or any derogatory name for that matter. For me, it's just not acceptable. If any one were to say such a thing to me, they would be out of my life. People say you teach people how to treat you, and I really believe that. I've only had one man raise his voice to me once, and that relationship was over that day. I say raise the bar and demand people treat you with more respect. If it's an immediate family member saying these things to you, I don't really know what to say. That situation isn't so cut and dry.. But for others, cut and run! You deserve better.
  • kms1320
    kms1320 Posts: 599 Member
    It's unfortunate that you have to put up with mental abuse while trying to better yourself. And don't try and call it something else, it is mental abuse! Words like that stay with people for a long time. For some it stays forever. I can't tell you ignore it, because when it comes from someone you care about, you'll hear it. I can encourage you to not believe it though. Sometime people project those insults onto others so they don't have to see it in themselves. You look like an attractive person, and I applaud you for being here and giving it your effort. Keep your chin up. You have a goal to work for.
  • fight_for_fit
    fight_for_fit Posts: 137
    Honestly, Use it as your motivation.
    I've been called every name in the book. It hurts..I'd be lying if I said it didn't
    But when I'm in that gym on that treadmill ready to give up. I think to myself, I'll show them who's "lazy or fat".
    Do it because they said you couldn't.
    The fact that you are trying to make a change and working at it is something you should be extremely proud of yourself for.
    So focus on that :)
  • chrlslove7
    chrlslove7 Posts: 136 Member
    Yes, I'm talking about "heat of the moment" type stuff, not ongoing abuse. I've been making changes and have lost over 30lbs but I guess I just need to work on confidence, as well physically taking the weight off. Thanks for the reply.
  • faceoff4
    faceoff4 Posts: 1,599 Member
    I have seen a lot of topics in this lately and to be honest I am quite disturbed that there are this many people out there who would do this. Talk about shallow and insecure in your own life, but don't you don't need to extend that outward towards your loved ones. Bottom line is no one should ever be treated like this and if you are getting verbally abused then set them straight or just leave them...they are not the right person for you and will only stand in your way of reaching your goals. Sorry you have to deal with this but glad it's not holding you back from working hard to reach your goals!
  • djames92
    djames92 Posts: 990 Member
    use it as motivation :)
  • Athena98501
    Athena98501 Posts: 716 Member
    Yes, I'm talking about "heat of the moment" type stuff, not ongoing abuse. I've been making changes and have lost over 30lbs but I guess I just need to work on confidence, as well physically taking the weight off. Thanks for the reply.

    Honey, heat of the moment abuse, is abuse. And abuse that happens more than once is ongoing abuse. I've been there, and that's how it starts. Please know that you deserve better, and the first step to healing and feeling better about yourself is to end it.
  • BehindtheScenes
    BehindtheScenes Posts: 38 Member
    My ex-husband once told our marriage counselor that he was embarrassed to be seen with me...and I wad 148 pounds at the time (oh how I'd love to be @148 right now!). There's a reason he's my "ex."
  • bikermike5094
    bikermike5094 Posts: 1,752 Member
    in the heat of battle, my wife has said some discouraging things and implied certain things about me and the issues my weight have caused. I was hurt, angry and bitter, and given my past could have seriously reverted to physical responses...

    But having found Christ years ago, my heart has changed an so too has my responses to those type of things. I was still angry and resentful, but after further reflection found that what she spoke was the truth. So I'm tyring to make changes for her. Thats what a changed heart does.
  • chrlslove7
    chrlslove7 Posts: 136 Member
    Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm definitely not trying to minimize verbal abuse, I guess I worded that wrong. The main person I'm inflecting on is very fit and has always been so I'm not sure if that makes it worse or if they really don't know what it's like to be called names about your weight. Nevertheless, it is still disturbing that people feel the need to comment on weight.
  • chrlslove7
    chrlslove7 Posts: 136 Member
    bikermike- that's very inspiring. Thank you.
  • PamelaKuz
    PamelaKuz Posts: 191 Member
    in the heat of battle, my wife has said some discouraging things and implied certain things about me and the issues my weight have caused. I was hurt, angry and bitter, and given my past could have seriously reverted to physical responses...

    But having found Christ years ago, my heart has changed an so too has my responses to those type of things. I was still angry and resentful, but after further reflection found that what she spoke was the truth. So I'm tyring to make changes for her. Thats what a changed heart does.

    Aww, my heart just melted a little. Thanks for sharing.
  • AEFidgets
    AEFidgets Posts: 243
    My ex-husband once told our marriage counselor that he was embarrassed to be seen with me...and I wad 148 pounds at the time (oh how I'd love to be @148 right now!). There's a reason he's my "ex."

    ^^^This!
  • koshkasmum
    koshkasmum Posts: 276 Member
    The old comeback line "Yeah, I'm fat, but you're a jerk, and I can lose weight" comes to mind here. There is NO excuse for abuse from a significant other - heat of the moment notwithstanding, (what if it was punches being thrown rather than words?) Consider making this other a little less significant. Or you might suggest he get some counsellling to get over his need to abuse you.
  • glahlstedt
    glahlstedt Posts: 308 Member
    okey, so, a big "YES!" to your question! My husband told me over 2 years ago that he was no longer physically attracted to me anymore......Seriously, I don't even know how to move past that comment. It is over 2 years later, and I am still struggling with the most nasty comment he has ever said to me! My body has surely changed since having a child 4 years ago, but I'm not an ugly girl! It really makes me sad sometimes to think about it. I have even told him that I no longer want to have sex with him. It has been over 5 months that I am living in a sexless marriage. It just hurts, but I guess I just need to get off the pitty pot, and lose this weight for ME! That is right....for ME! I refuse to lose it for him!!!!!!!!!! So, with that said, I guess I can't offer any positive advice, because I too am hurt about what others say...especially my own freaking husband!!!!
  • atjays
    atjays Posts: 797 Member
    It's called abuse. His control is threatened by your weight loss successes and feels you'll leave him when you're at your best. So he tears you down the only way he knows how. Dump his sorry *kitten* and use THAT as your motivation to move forward in your life. It'll only get worse
  • wjimenez10869
    wjimenez10869 Posts: 81
    I guess in a crazy way it's possible that this person thinks they are helping you? Maybe thinking those things are or would motivate you to lose weight. If you haven't done so already I would strongly suggest letting the person know how hurtful it is to you. Anyone who loves you would apologize and stop.
  • mygrl4meee
    mygrl4meee Posts: 943 Member
    This maybe more than I should put out here but when I gave my husband hell over his drinking 24/7. He attacked me for my weight problem. It hurt and probably caused me to gain more weight. It affected our relationship because I lost a lot of respect and it gave me deeper self esteem issues.

    It took a long time for our marriage to find a new normal as he recovered from the shock to his system of quitting drinking.

    He has been sober for three plus years and it took about an year after he quit to realize that yes I have a problem but he only spoke out that way because he felt attacked and it was his addiction talking to me.
  • cattorresny
    cattorresny Posts: 4
    I know for many relationships, especially close relatives and one's spouse, words get tossed around with little regard to the heaviness each one carries. Assuming this person truly cares for you i'm going to bet that they haven't really taken to account how it's all affected you and probably don't even know you're still thinking about it! Dont wait till the next round to open up about it though, i know honesty regarding rocky topics and feelings leave everyone a bit vulnerable but, maybe bring it up to them casually and hug it out. You may be surprised by how they react! Think about if they've ever felt wronged by you or someone who picked at whatever it is that makes them imperfect, it's the same thing. when they see it that way it'll be easier for them to relate.

    As for you, you have to value yourself. Look at you! You're beautiful! It's not easy to stay positive through tjick and thin (no pun intended) but, i promise it gets easier. You are already doing the right thing, on the right path and with the right attitude. Good for you, i admire your consistency because it is TOUGH.

    Keep posting! I'm sure it also helps to get it out
  • Mads1997
    Mads1997 Posts: 1,494 Member
    It's called abuse. His control is threatened by your weight loss successes and feels you'll leave him when you're at your best. So he tears you down the only way he knows how. Dump his sorry *kitten* and use THAT as your motivation to move forward in your life. It'll only get worse

    This^^
  • chrlslove7
    chrlslove7 Posts: 136 Member
    I'm reading each post and taking something from it. I don't have anyone I can go to that won't judge me for this so I figured I could get some helpful advice from some people/strangers who may or may not have struggled with their weight. I also apologize if this sort of thread has been posted numerous times before! Still relatively new to MFP :glasses: Also, thank you for the posters who have opened up and told their story in order to help someone else.
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    It's called abuse. His control is threatened by your weight loss successes and feels you'll leave him when you're at your best. So he tears you down the only way he knows how. Dump his sorry *kitten* and use THAT as your motivation to move forward in your life. It'll only get worse

    This^^

    This again.

    You do not deserve to be name-called no matter how angry he is. If he can't figure that out, dump him and find someone who loves you and wants only the best for your health, happiness, and wellbeing.
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
    First things first: lose the significant other who calls you names.

    Then, take care and learn to love yourself.
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    that is just not the right thing to do....... It sounds immature as all hell- I would sit down and have a one on one conversation with him and practice in your head before you start. You are giving effort. You are HERE!! You are monitoring your food, your exercise and counting calories like they are you best friend.... I would ditch him because honey you can do better!! I'm in the complete opposite situation. My man *****es EVERY time I want to go to the gym.......
  • jesz124
    jesz124 Posts: 1,004 Member
    OP, I don't have any brilliant advice for you as such, just wanted to say you come across as a very sweet person and I like your responses to people giving you advice. Partners can be douches sometimes and they know exactly which buttons to press to hurt us the most. Try not to focus on things said in the heat of a row. You are doing really well with your losses. Just keeping that up a d carrying on regardless is the best cure for *kitten* type behaviour I think.
  • Anomalia
    Anomalia Posts: 506 Member
    It sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive.
  • maz_z
    maz_z Posts: 55
    OP i also dont have any amazing advice, but when you are thinking about this think the opposite! if they call you ugly, call yourself beautiful, may even help to write these down and have them on post it notes or posters around you house to remind you of how beautiful and strong you are!
  • anifani4
    anifani4 Posts: 457 Member
    How to overcome the pain of an SO calling me names. Tough topic. My husband never called me names but he did say critical things and they hurt every time. And he didn't stop until I told him to stop. I had to say it a few times and specifically repeat his words back to him because his criticisms were always said in the heat of an argument and he didn't even remember what he had said. It took me a long time, many years in fact, before I could speak up for myself. but once I did, things were much better in every way. Sometimes I had to talk it out with a friend before I could speak to him about a hurtful remark he had made. But really, once I could do that the pain was a lot less. His apology and hug went a long way toward easing my feelings too.

    When my Mom was in her 80s and my Dad was sick and cranky and miserable and ragging on her all the time. She said she wished she had "trained" him differently when they were young and it was too late now to make him do anything differently. Don't wait until you are 80....or 40 like I was.

    And congrats on your successful weight loss so far. It's amazing. Don't let this knock you off your plan.
  • Momonamission53
    Momonamission53 Posts: 13 Member
    Do not let anyone anyone make you think bad of yourself, God has made you special, and beside that your beauty comes from within and how you treat people. I am proud of you for taking the steps you have taken, never lose weight or change your looks for someone else, do it for you. You have come a long way keep up the good work. Hang in there looks like you got a lot of good advice. :smile: :smooched: :flowerforyou:

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