Help with ignoring people that aren't supportive?
MorbidMander
Posts: 349 Member
I really need a few tips to try and ignore the people around me and/or not let them get to me, as I've been finding it hard lately. I am 160 pounds, 5'3" and trying really hard to lose more weight. I went down from 175 in a few weeks which was a big thing for me, my goal is 125 or 130. But my family/friends/boyfriend, all keep telling me over and over and over, that I look fine that I don't need to lose weight. Even though I'm a good 20 or 30 pounds overweight right now.
It makes me feel like *I'm* the one with the issue because I want to be healthy. I have a condition called PCOS and it puts me at higher risk for heart disease and diabetes, and no one in my family can even bother to remember what the condition is called, let alone support me in my healthier choices. I've tried to educate them, but since I don't look like I'm dying, I don't have Diabetes, and I'm not morbidly obese, I don't have an issue apparently. They all tend to fluff of my PCOS and it really is hurtful.
It is just frustrating to not have the people I see on a daily basis support me in what I'm trying to achieve. Even the simple act of shopping turns into a big deal because I want to get healthier food and everyone else would rather get crap. It's like they are more comfortable with me being fat and miserable, then me having a chance at being fitter and healthier. Blehh, does anyone have any experience to offer or tips? Feelin' kind of sad today.
It makes me feel like *I'm* the one with the issue because I want to be healthy. I have a condition called PCOS and it puts me at higher risk for heart disease and diabetes, and no one in my family can even bother to remember what the condition is called, let alone support me in my healthier choices. I've tried to educate them, but since I don't look like I'm dying, I don't have Diabetes, and I'm not morbidly obese, I don't have an issue apparently. They all tend to fluff of my PCOS and it really is hurtful.
It is just frustrating to not have the people I see on a daily basis support me in what I'm trying to achieve. Even the simple act of shopping turns into a big deal because I want to get healthier food and everyone else would rather get crap. It's like they are more comfortable with me being fat and miserable, then me having a chance at being fitter and healthier. Blehh, does anyone have any experience to offer or tips? Feelin' kind of sad today.
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Replies
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Tough spot to be in ... its almost impossible when the people around you who are the closest and supposed to be the ones that care the most are the one who suppot you the least ... I'm sorry for what you're going through... I have been there and what I did most likely won't work for you ... I got a new support system... yep that's right I got rid of the fat abusive drunk husband (I have a new one now and he is WONDERFUL) I didn't talk health or weight loss with friends who didn't support me and same went for family ... Good luck to you! I hope it all works out for you and if you need another supportive friend here feel free to add me :-)0
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First, hats off to you for embarking on a health and wellness journey. That's commendable. Congratulations on your fifteen pound loss!
In my personal experience, those closest to you tend to give the least amount of support overall because they feel like you will become one of 'those' people who's 'always' at the gym or 'can't' eat this and that. I still have close friends and family who want me to try just a little of what they made or join them for some huge meal that I didn't nutritionally budget for. I offer alternative ideas for get togethers and they aren't interested, so at times we don't get to spend quality time together as we should. It's sad. I have tried recruiting workout partners (people who already claimed to be interested in getting fit) to no avail, even when it's at no cost to them since I offer free guest passes to my gym. After my one friend's last cancellation (Thanksgiving weekend...and she was the one to schedule it, not me!), I learned that I have to navigate this path solo.
I say that all to say perhaps you should keep your weight loss goals private, or at least keep them away from those who aren't supportive. Look within for your encouragement.
Good luck.0 -
I can empathize a little bit. Being back at home is a little hard sometimes, noone in my immediate family is overweight, but they eat whatever they want - and when you're working on cleaning up your diet it's difficult being around! My suggestion is perhaps trying to do an activity or make a meal together that can compromise for both sides so you don't always feel the odd one out (maybe once a week have a night where you try out a new, healthier, recipie for dinner. Or go out for a family hike)
A different support system might be needed if in the long run things don't change for the better, MFP is a good place to meet new friends for that
I find I keep a lot of what I do regarding my diet and exercise regime to myself now, if someone asks what I did - great! I can't say enough good things about what MFP has done for me so far and always send people here. Sometimes your closest circle is the hardest to get support from, I've even had some sarcastic remarks from friends for loosing weight :S. I know that ultimately the changes I'm making are for myself, so the biggest priority is making myself happy. I actually don't mind exercising alone, I find it almost meditative, a chance for 'me time'. 0 -
Well not everyone around you will always be ready for the changes you wish to make. Maybe sign up for some type of event and let them know you are in training and maybe it will change their mindset. Unfortunately the more you reach for your goals and the closer you get can sometime cause issues at home with those closest to us because it just become two different lives. Identify the one who is most likely to help you and work on that one person enlist their help in training and then try to move on from there.0
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I totally understand what you are going through. I myself have a couple healthy issues (heart condition and rhuematoid arthritis) So I decided I needed to lose weight and get healthy. I was doing great just a few pounds away from my goal weight, and then my mom and my brother started telling me I was way too skinny, and I need to eat more. When I would go visit them, my mom would offer me all the bad unhealthy foods, that she knew in the past I loved. I would decline and she would have her feelings hurt. And if I was having dinner there, they would give me crap about being picky on how much I was plating up and what I was was putting on my plate. Every time I went there I got this, it started to get to me, because my mom is 5'4 and weighs like 90lbs and that might be exaggerating. And I didn't want to look like her, I am 5'1 and at the time weighed l think 118. I was getting comfortable in my own skin again, but as soon as they started telling me that, I was freaking. My husband said not to listen to them (easier said than done) I did need to lose more weight, my waist size is way bigger than it should be for my height and especially since I have a heart condition. I am sad to say I have gained about 10 lbs since then, and feel horrible about myself. So I am starting to get back to working out daily, slowly, if I go hard and fast I know I will burn out. You just need to realize you are doing this for yourself, and no one else! If you want to friend me you can!! I'll be here to support you! 0
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It would be nice if you could ignore them but you can't. Not a good idea!
Maybe consider telling your family members... "Because you love me, I need your support in my efforts to get healthy" Then lay out how you need their support...
* Consider going grocery shopping alone (who needs backseat drivers picking unhealthy stuff)
* If you're the main cook - sneak at least one new healthy recipe and win them over with tasy recipes (My husband doesn't know that I make his mashed potatotes with almond milk hee hee hee
* Cooking light is a great resource for how to remake unhealthy recipes into decent meals
* Consider your own snack shelf in the pantry - my snack shelf is the most prominent shelf in the pantry at eye level and it's the 1st thing I see. All of "his" junk food is on a shelf that's not within my eye sight. I did this over 2 years ago and rarely do I ever want any of "his" junk food
* I am pretty motivated myself but it does help to have sideline cheerleaders - my husband is just not a good cheerleader - not in his personality. So I have made great MFP friends who are my cheerleaders. They 're the ones that know how hard you are working.
Get some great MFP friends!
YOU GOT THIS!0 -
I really need a few tips to try and ignore the people around me and/or not let them get to me, as I've been finding it hard lately. I am 160 pounds, 5'3" and trying really hard to lose more weight. I went down from 175 in a few weeks which was a big thing for me, my goal is 125 or 130. But my family/friends/boyfriend, all keep telling me over and over and over, that I look fine that I don't need to lose weight. Even though I'm a good 20 or 30 pounds overweight right now.
It makes me feel like *I'm* the one with the issue because I want to be healthy. I have a condition called PCOS and it puts me at higher risk for heart disease and diabetes, and no one in my family can even bother to remember what the condition is called, let alone support me in my healthier choices. I've tried to educate them, but since I don't look like I'm dying, I don't have Diabetes, and I'm not morbidly obese, I don't have an issue apparently. They all tend to fluff of my PCOS and it really is hurtful.
It is just frustrating to not have the people I see on a daily basis support me in what I'm trying to achieve. Even the simple act of shopping turns into a big deal because I want to get healthier food and everyone else would rather get crap. It's like they are more comfortable with me being fat and miserable, then me having a chance at being fitter and healthier. Blehh, does anyone have any experience to offer or tips? Feelin' kind of sad today.
Ask them if they would like to be an aunt, uncle, grandma / grandpa sometime in the future.
By the time I found out I had PCOS I had had 7 miscarriages, gained 140 unexplainable pounds and then was found to have secondary and unexplainable infertility.
Take matters into your own hands and just buy the food YOU need for yourself. You have to just ignore the negative people in your life.0 -
Perhaps it's the way you're referring to what you are doing. Instead of telling people you are on a "diet" tell them that you're eating healthier and making healthy food choices. When they try to push food on you give a short example of why you don't want that food. Not because it has too many calories and will make you fat, but because it's too high in sodium or it's not heart healthy or it's got too much processed white flour.... whatever description fits.
When it's time to work out instead of talking about calorie deficits and losing weight talk about building muscle and making your heart healthier.
After all, if you want to STAY healthy throughout life you'll need a healthy lifestyle....not just a series of diets.
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I use to be in your shoes, exactly. I am 5'3" and at my heaviest I was 158 pounds. When I was about 22 I decided I needed to turn things around, I was so unhappy and felt so unattractive. I started eating healthier and working out at the gym, I did Tae-Bo nearly every day (this was about 2006 – we didn’t have P90X then haha!). My friends and family were not supportive when I first began my challenge, they would say things like I looked "healthy" and then suddenly it morphed into "you have an eating disorder" - and at that point I was just trying to be healthy.
I think because of the lack of support I let things get out of control and I developed some bad habits that borderlined obsessions. I got down to 118; that was unhealthy for me and I looked sickly. I told my friends I had a problem, and no one listened. It was really difficult for me to get out of that badness and I went through some really rough periods.
I finally broke some of those bad habits less than 2 yrs ago, put some weight back on, got rid of the toxic boyfriend and friends, and am finally happier. In the past 2 yrs I met my new awesome boyfriend, got a “real” job – a desk job, and put on a little more weight than I’d like – 2 months ago I was at 138. So now I’m trying to get back to 125 (I’m currently 133).
My best advice to you is to stay strong and stand up for yourself. You are trying to change your lifestyle because you want to be healthier and that is a very difficult task. Just please don’t become too obsessed with what the scale says, like I did, because then that will be another source of unhappiness! Also feel free to add me as a friend 0 -
You hit it right on the nail. They are unable to change or don't want to change therefore don't want you to change, are jealous and will try to keep you where you are at. You have to stick to your guns and continue to eat healthier and loose the weight you want to. Personally I'm a little passive agressive so when they make comments about why are you eating that(healthy stuff) or exercising I would say because I want to be healthy, not a fat slob. I'm also 5'2" and at my heaviest, 184. My initial goal is 150 and I know when I hit that people will say, wow you're so thin you don't need to loose more weight. But, yes we short people technically should be smaller so we will see how I feel at 150. I may be happy at that while someone like yourself is not. And that's fine. It's all about what makes each of us comfortable and happy with ourselves.
You have 2 choices. You can continue with them in your life pouring on the negativity and hope that by you loosing weight and becoming happier about life they see this and come around---which probably won't happen or if it does it will take a long time and be a horrible journey for you. Or you can start to find other people that are positive about life. Personally, I won't allow other people to bring their negativity into my life.0 -
Paging Dani_D...is Dani_D in the house?0
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Getting in shape is between you and your body and it isnt anyone else's business, which is proof that you love yourself. If you let outside influence get in between you and the pact you made with your body - you have to know how to push it back out too.0
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This is awesome advice. I did a lot of this. My daughter is really bad for sabotaging my plan. At one point I had to have her cook meals and it was impossible to track because you never knew what went in your food. Same with grocery shopping...get to the checkout and there would be a whole whack of junk. I did some adjusting of schedules and began cooking myself and shopping on the way home and now, since she's lost 4 lbs on my menu, she's slowly coming on board. But I just said nothing and did what I needed to do, and created my support system outside of home.
* Consider going grocery shopping alone (who needs backseat drivers picking unhealthy stuff)
* If you're the main cook - sneak at least one new healthy recipe and win them over with tasy recipes (My husband doesn't know that I make his mashed potatotes with almond milk hee hee hee
* Cooking light is a great resource for how to remake unhealthy recipes into decent meals
* Consider your own snack shelf in the pantry - my snack shelf is the most prominent shelf in the pantry at eye level and it's the 1st thing I see. All of "his" junk food is on a shelf that's not within my eye sight. I did this over 2 years ago and rarely do I ever want any of "his" junk food
* I am pretty motivated myself but it does help to have sideline cheerleaders - my husband is just not a good cheerleader - not in his personality. So I have made great MFP friends who are my cheerleaders. They 're the ones that know how hard you are working.
Get some great MFP friends!
YOU GOT THIS!0 -
They are being supportive, in they're own way. They're telling you what they think you want to hear. Plus, they probably don't want to change / aren't ready to change, and you making big changes makes them uncomfortable.You're doing this for you, so just keep on doing it for you. Hopefully, they will begin to be inspired by you and want to change themselves. But even if not, you're doing this for you. At least they're not telling you you're too fat etc. Just try to tune out what they're saying. Smile, nod, and carry on as you are. You doing a great job! 0
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It sounds as though your family/friends have their own reasons for you to remain the way you are. It is so difficult to ignore the negative remarks from the people you care about, but you're going to have to if you want to take charge of your own health.
I'm glad you're on MFP. You can find so much positive support here. That's a great step!
If your loved ones are sabotaging your eating plan, another thing you might do is to say, "Thanks for inviting me to My Favorite Restaurant, but my doctor really wants me to lose ____ pounds by the next time I go in. I really need to stick to my eating plan today." I can tell you from experience that when you stick up for yourself in a non-judgmental way, they will come to respect your choices.
Wishing you success in your weight loss journey!
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I think there is a weird dichotomy in our culture at the moment.
On one hand media is criticized for idolizing unrealistic body shapes (i.e. Barbie dimensions).
On the other hand health authorities are telling us there is an obesity epidemic and that we must do something about it.
Then on a foot we have all the political correctness BS telling us we shouldn't be honest with someone about the shape they are in because it might hurt their feelings. (ok, this is three things, is there such a thing as a trichotomy?)
Clearly it is ridiculous that we all should ever even try to have Ken and Barbie dimensions. Most of the girls that are close to that have a whole different set of issues.
But what about this disconnect between what health officials are telling us, and what our friends and family are telling us?
I don't have any epiphanies to share here, it is a complete mystery to me.
In some cases I'm living it too. My daughter in law is somewhere in the 400lb area (probably 5'6" 'ish. I base this guess on pictures people have shared here along with providing their starting weight). And everyone around her is telling her nothing is wrong. We don't dare say anything, but have brought it up a few times to our son. He says her Dr. hasn't said anything about her weight. We believe there is a bold face lie being told here somewhere, but I digress. Clearly she is in the morbidly obese arena and she is going to face health issues as she ages. We certainly don't tell her she looks fine, but we don't say anything about how she should really think about trying to drop 200lbs either.
To the OP - I think a completely open and frank discussion with your family might help. "mom, dad, I know I am over weight. I know I can afford to lose 30lbs. You don't have to say I look fine to save my feelings. I'm not going to become an anorexic whacko," ... etc. I think the root of the problem is that your family is trying to be supportive and not make you feel bad for being over weight.
thats my theory, I'm sticking to it.0 -
I started out at 177 and didn't want to be that fat. I have gotten heavy in the past and lost the weight in the past and for me, well, I just do it on my own and don't talk to others about it, don't ask for advice and definately do not take advice from those who have never lost a lb successfully in their lives (although, it sure seems like these obese people have alot to say about weight loss)
Your goal is for you. It is yours. When you reach it, you will be very, very, happy with yourself. The ones who know you, see you, hang out with you. ... they will all start saying nice stuff like "you look great!" "I wish I had your willpower" "How did you do it?"
No-one is going to say "wow, you are too skinny, you should have stayed heavy"
So whatever unwelcome words you are getting now, ignore. Go on your own private little quest and keep it private. You only need you to succeed.0 -
To the OP - I think a completely open and frank discussion with your family might help. "mom, dad, I know I am over weight. I know I can afford to lose 30lbs. You don't have to say I look fine to save my feelings. I'm not going to become an anorexic whacko," ... etc. I think the root of the problem is that your family is trying to be supportive and not make you feel bad for being over weight.
thats my theory, I'm sticking to it.
This is quite unfair and unnecessary. Anorexics are NOT "whackos". This reinforces something I have observed on MFP. You get a lot more support if you are fat trying to lose wait than if you are underweight and trying to gain weight. Being morbidly obese is bad, being underwent is bad. Doesn't make either individual ,whacko"0 -
I think you need to sit down with each person and explain to them that this is something you are doing for yourself, and tell them that when they make these comments, you feel like it's undermining your efforts. Sometimes people say things like, "Oh you are fine just the way you are" because in their mind, you are! And they are only trying to say they love you no matter what. So they probably don't even understand that what they're saying is hurting you unless you tell them. :flowerforyou:0
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Just remember, (and maybe try telling them) you're losing the weight for YOU, not for them. That's all that matters 0
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