spouse Has MDD with psychotic features

truddy6647
truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
edited January 5 in Motivation and Support
I am feeling so stressed right now. I am fighting the urge to stress eat anymore than what I already did (had wendy's technically yesterday but I say today because I have yet to go to bed). I am very stressed. I got home to find that my husband ordered some things that long story short are to help hang himself. He tried hiding the order from me but I have ways of finding it out. He doesn't know yet that I know as I didn't check things till after he went to bed and thus didn't question him on anything. Any case it is the middle of the night his doc is not in because it is the middle of the night and he is now fast asleep so not much that I can do other than wait till morning. I have left messages with his docs.This still doesnot take away the stress. and thus leads me to fight stress eatting
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Replies

  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    I hear you.

    My partner has a combination of neurological and psychiatric disorders that are so closely intertwined that there's no telling where one ends and the other begins.

    I've found some good support at the NAMI forums http://www.nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

    I've found awesome support at Caregiving.com.

    As a lifelong yo-yo, I realized that I need to find healthy responses to stress -- I've lost weight many times, but emotional eating has deep-sixed my maintenance. Keeping a journal where I can vent helps -- I also used it to keep a behavioral log when things had gotten pretty bad. Listening to music helps (different music depending on how I feel. Sometimes I need something upbeat; other times I need something cathartic). Stretching helps. Deep breathing helps. Shaking out my body helps.

    It sounds to me as though you have done everything you can tonight. For my own sanity I've had to learn to detach, which is very tough to do. It's taken me years and I'm still learning. It doesn't mean I care any less about my caree -- it means I'm not letting that caring paralyze me. That in turn helps me function better and helps keep me from burning out.

    Kudos to you for the weight you've lost and for taking care of yourself. That is crucial. I hope you can get some sleep. Or at the very least a chance to close your eyes and let your muscles relax. Even a brief period of relaxation/meditation might help your muscles unclench. I hope the docs can help ASAP.
  • annemama
    annemama Posts: 245 Member
    I'm praying for you and your husband right now.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    I'm praying for you and your husband right now.

    Thank you.............I believe there is power in prayer
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    I hear you.

    My partner has a combination of neurological and psychiatric disorders that are so closely intertwined that there's no telling where one ends and the other begins.

    I've found some good support at the NAMI forums http://www.nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

    I've found awesome support at Caregiving.com.

    As a lifelong yo-yo, I realized that I need to find healthy responses to stress -- I've lost weight many times, but emotional eating has deep-sixed my maintenance. Keeping a journal where I can vent helps -- I also used it to keep a behavioral log when things had gotten pretty bad. Listening to music helps (different music depending on how I feel. Sometimes I need something upbeat; other times I need something cathartic). Stretching helps. Deep breathing helps. Shaking out my body helps.

    It sounds to me as though you have done everything you can tonight. For my own sanity I've had to learn to detach, which is very tough to do. It's taken me years and I'm still learning. It doesn't mean I care any less about my caree -- it means I'm not letting that caring paralyze me. That in turn helps me function better and helps keep me from burning out.

    Kudos to you for the weight you've lost and for taking care of yourself. That is crucial. I hope you can get some sleep. Or at the very least a chance to close your eyes and let your muscles relax. Even a brief period of relaxation/meditation might help your muscles unclench. I hope the docs can help ASAP.

    Yeah you are right I have done everything that I can do tonight. I'm not sure if I could detach myself. I would be to afraid that if I did so I would not pick up on something important, ie like tonight something just felt off ( I say tonight because I have yet to go to bed) that feeling made me go looking to see what he had been up to that in return led me to find something that he had ordered and not a good thing which led to me starting the ball rolling for contacting his doctors and such. as it was after one am when I found it and he was already in bed I will have to wait till they open in the am to hear back. And I might very well have a fight on my hands, not from the doctors office but from him.
  • Umeboshi
    Umeboshi Posts: 1,637 Member
    Sending positive thoughts your way.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    Sending positive thoughts your way.
    thanks
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    still feel like stress eating....so fighting the urge to do so
  • GiddyupTim
    GiddyupTim Posts: 2,819 Member
    Man, I wish you the best of luck. Praying for you.
  • Mpol2
    Mpol2 Posts: 442 Member
    Honey, praying for you both. Stay strong.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
    Food right now will only make you feel guilty in addition to being - rightfully - upset.

    It's an understandable evolutionary good-vibe-trigger, but this isn't the forest. Eating something will not help and will have effects that are more harmful for you because of your goals and objectives here.

    So I'd like you to maybe go and write down what you plan to do tomorrow to handle this situation, okay?
  • otrlynn
    otrlynn Posts: 273 Member
    I don't know where you live, but if you have evidence that your husband is a clear danger to himself (i.e. taking steps to kill himself) that is grounds for involuntary committment (if he will not voluntarily agree to treatment). You have my respect and good wishes for staying in what must be a very challenging relationship. However, please take care of yourself!
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    thanks all. It is very stressful situation. as far as treatment....his doctors are aware of what is currently going one. Right now he is walking a very fine line to which he could easily head for an involuntary commit but trying to use his therapy skills and doctors to help him through this situation or time but this still is a very hard time and road for not only him but myself as well
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    Food right now will only make you feel guilty in addition to being - rightfully - upset.

    It's an understandable evolutionary good-vibe-trigger, but this isn't the forest. Eating something will not help and will have effects that are more harmful for you because of your goals and objectives here.

    So I'd like you to maybe go and write down what you plan to do tomorrow to handle this situation, okay?
    handling the situation....for tomorrow.........hmm right now its been a lot of crying............which can be a release and better than stuffing my face.
  • Rocking_Robin
    Rocking_Robin Posts: 238 Member
    OH MY GOODNESS, my heart and prayers go out to you, I am very sorry you have this to deal with. I wish I had some good advice, but the only thing that comes to mind is pray.

    My husband has MS and it is very progress and I have a high stress life, if it would help friend me and we can talk..I am also an emotional eater, it can be a happy or sad emotion. If you need another friend to listen to ya, I am here for you. Maybe we can lean on each other even though our stresses are different.
  • Kitkat_58
    Kitkat_58 Posts: 35 Member
    Praying for you!
  • Roboartist
    Roboartist Posts: 99
    I feel for you, my husband has gone through this with his younger sister for years. If you're really too worried and stressed to sleep you might consider either calling an after hours number for your husband's docs or recruiting a trusted friend to at least keep you company.

    I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts. Mental illness is such a beast to live around.
  • jeme3
    jeme3 Posts: 355 Member
    You are in my thoughts. What a tough thing to live with daily.

    Here's hoping he gets the help he needs.

    Take care of yourself.
  • AEFidgets
    AEFidgets Posts: 243
    Sending positive thoughts your way.
  • onyxgirl17
    onyxgirl17 Posts: 1,722 Member
    My mom had the same thing. Praying for you, I do understand what you are going through.
  • jessgumkowski88
    jessgumkowski88 Posts: 189 Member
    I have MDD and often have delusions that everyone is mad at me and that it's my fault anyways.

    I'm sorry it's something you have to deal with from an outside perspective. :( It's hard to deal with myself, and i really try not to burden my family and friends with my symptoms. I'm sure your spouse feels similarly. As much as I hate to say it too (and I'm sure you know) it's hard to be supportive, because in most cases, we know you love us, as we love you, but it just doesn't matter. I hope he gets the help he needs. I know personally I hate to admit when I need to go to the doctor, and I tried twice to kill myself, unsuccessfully obviously, and i really hope he doesn't try.

    My biggest regret in life is the guilt I live with from trying. It's not worth it, but when you feel that low you just don't know what else to do. It doesn't feel like you'll be able to feel happy again, and it's so unbearable.

    I truly believe your husband is a lucky man to have such a supportive wife. I know it must be so hard on you, and the fact that you'll watch over him all night is wonderful. <3 I'm sure deep down, and especially when he has good days, he'll appreciate everything you do for him.

    Stay strong!
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
    Oh jeez. I'm so sorry. My first thought was that this might be an emergency room situation, and it looks like it is:

    If a friend or loved one is threatening, talking about or making plans for suicide, these are signs of an acute crisis.
    Do not leave the person alone.
    Remove from the vicinity any firearms, drugs or sharp objects that could be used for suicide.
    Take the person to an emergency room or walk-in clinic at a psychiatric hospital.
    If a psychiatric facility is unavailable, go to your nearest hospital or clinic.
    If the above options are unavailable, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) < US number.

    http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=f2f25092-7e90-9bd4-c4658f1d2b5d19a0

    Maybe call that number (or one in your country)?

    Thoughts are with you both.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    His situation is different than most. He will be the first to tell you that he doesn't want to kill himself. While this situation is very serious, his doctors feel that at this point in time it is not a emergency room situation as one person stated it might be. what is going on is delusions that he has. Meaning that he thinks he has the ability to go and talk to someone who has died (family member) but not die himself by putting together his contraption...He does not see any danger in this and no one can tell him other wise. we have been fighting this concept of contraption for over two years now. some months are better than others in that he doesn't want to do his contraption but right now he does In the past his doctors have stated that there is not a way to break him from believing in his contraption. It is a delusion he will always have. The goal is to lesson the urge of wanting to act on. He has always had mdd and it is so much easier to deal with than these breaks in reality. I would take mdd by it self any day than the dang breaks in reality.
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    My partner has delusions also. (She has an unusual form of MS in which most of the damage is in her prefrontal cortex. It acts like traumatic brain injury and has been mistaken for schizophrenia. She is also an abuse survivor, with a lot of emotional damage.)

    I've been helped tremendously by the work of Dr. Xavier Amador, specifically his book I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! and a 75-minute lecture he gave here:
    http://greatdanefilm.dk/web/Janssen-cilag/npa2011_13012011/npa_09.html

    He gets into the communication tools he uses at around the 52-minute mark -- or just scroll down and click on the LEAP link.

    He talks about anosognosia, or lack of psychological insight and the reason why the delusions persist. It's not denial. It's a brain signaling problem. His LEAP method of communication (listen, empathize, agree, partner) focuses on the relationship rather than on who's "right." (Amador's brother had been schizophrenic.) The communication tools are a way to get past the fighting. His website is at http://www.leapinstitute.org/

    Am keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member


    He talks about anosognosia, or lack of psychological insight and the reason why the delusions persist. It's not denial. It's a brain signaling problem. His LEAP method of communication (listen, empathize, agree, partner) focuses on the relationship rather than on who's "right." (Amador's brother had been schizophrenic.) The communication tools are a way to get past the fighting. His website is at http://www.leapinstitute.org/

    not sure that I could ever agree with what his delusions are as they give him the urge to go out and build something that would most likely kill him even though he believes it won't. (I and his doctors are 99.9999999% sure it would kill him if he was to try it)

    thank you for the prayers though. I do believe there is power in prayer
  • mdcjmom
    mdcjmom Posts: 597 Member
    Praying for you!
  • SarahAFerguson
    SarahAFerguson Posts: 250 Member
    In all of this please remember to take care of yourself. This is such a stressful situation for you. Hugs.
  • frosty73
    frosty73 Posts: 424 Member
    Sending prayers your way. I would be so freaked out! I would also hide the items he ordered, so that he cannot build his contraption. But I don't know if that is the right or wrong thing to do.
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    Amador does NOT say to agree with the delusion.

    You agree with what you CAN agree on, e.g., neither you nor your husband want him to have to go to the hospital.
    Then you figure out: How can we accomplish something that we do agree on? That's the partnership part.

    My partner believes that she received CT scan X-ray brain surgery that gave her MS. Her current obsession is over song lyrics that she is sure are a secret message supporting her belief. In the past she has obsessed over the belief that her brother in law is a serial killer. I could go on and on.

    We are at the point where I tell her that we can agree to disagree. But I also tell her that I know she believes what she believes for a reason, and I will not try to change her belief system. I just don't share it. Before that agreement to disagree I had to listen to her and ask myself: what is behind her belief? What does she need that this belief supports?

    There is also a neurological component, where the person with the delusion can't un-think the delusion. I write about it here:
    http://www.caregiving.com/2012/05/navigating-roundabout/

    Again -- the LEAP communication tools are NOT about agreeing with the delusion! They're about finding common ground so that you and your caree can move forward, and that can include agreeing to DISagree. But first a solid foundation of trust in the relationship needs to be established, which includes listening to what the person with the delusion has to say. Amador provides an example of this in his talk.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    Sending prayers your way. I would be so freaked out! I would also hide the items he ordered, so that he cannot build his contraption. But I don't know if that is the right or wrong thing to do.

    Actually I cought the order early and he called and canceled it after I confronted him on it.
  • truddy6647
    truddy6647 Posts: 519 Member
    Amador does NOT say to agree with the delusion.

    You agree with what you CAN agree on, e.g., neither you nor your husband want him to have to go to the hospital.
    Then you figure out: How can we accomplish something that we do agree on? That's the partnership part.

    My partner believes that she received CT scan X-ray brain surgery that gave her MS. Her current obsession is over song lyrics that she is sure are a secret message supporting her belief. In the past she has obsessed over the belief that her brother in law is a serial killer. I could go on and on.

    We are at the point where I tell her that we can agree to disagree. But I also tell her that I know she believes what she believes for a reason, and I will not try to change her belief system. I just don't share it. Before that agreement to disagree I had to listen to her and ask myself: what is behind her belief? What does she need that this belief supports?

    There is also a neurological component, where the person with the delusion can't un-think the delusion. I write about it here:
    http://www.caregiving.com/2012/05/navigating-roundabout/

    Again -- the LEAP communication tools are NOT about agreeing with the delusion! They're about finding common ground so that you and your caree can move forward, and that can include agreeing to DISagree. But first a solid foundation of trust in the relationship needs to be established, which includes listening to what the person with the delusion has to say. Amador provides an example of this in his talk.
    I see. I understand that I can't undo his thinking surround the delusion nor can I just stand aside when his delusion is taking over so much so that it puts him in harms way. It is just really hard.
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