obese brother
thatsillyshana
Posts: 141
I know that in order to lose weight you have to want it for yourself, but I am super worried about my brother and his fiance. They are probably both over 300 pounds the last time I saw them and it was so sad. I'm worried about their health and wedding and everything. My parents have given up talking to my brother about his weight, but I'm still concerned. I'm going to be visiting him this month and I'll be in charge of paying for food. What would you suggest I do? Do I talk to him? Do I buy only healthy food and see what he does? The last time I visited and was in charge of food, I gained 6 pounds.
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Replies
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I wouldn't talk to him about it even though you have good intentions. It will only make him angry, upset and feeling worse about himself.
He needs to want to change on his own.
When you go and get food you can buy what your normally would however you need to be mindful of what they normally eat. Are you going to buying food just for you? If so, get what you want. If you are buying for everyone you can't expect everyone to eat how you do.0 -
Any radical change you introduce will not be welcomed if they don't want it. You can still make healthier choices and you don't have to eat the way they do.0
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bring your own food. but donnt be a snot about it. For me my sister was always so judmental of my weight and I hated she was so skinny. I enjoyed eating mcdonalds in front of her because it felt like she was judging me and not wanting the best for me. You cant push the issue on them. Dont say anything to his fiance about her weight that will put her off. Just when you are alone with him. she gently, "I love you and I want you to llive a long healthy life. I am always here for you if you need anything." Leave it at that. anything more you seem to be pressing your own agenda and butting in0
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I'm buying for everyone. I just want him to be healthy and have a good life which I know he doesn't have right now. I just wish there was some magic fairy dust or something to get him motivated.0
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I agree with everyone else, as bad as it is for your brother and fiance, they have to make the change and want to do it. You can do everything you want to encourage and motivate them, but in the end they have to be the ones that want to change. I give you props for looking out for your brother and fiance and only wanting the best for them. You are a good sister!0
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dont talk to him about it...at least not yet. it really depends on the person but some people get discouraged when they know they are fat and feel helpless and give up before even trying to start the weight loss process...so figure out how your brother reacts to things..
i personally would make him think that weight loss was HIS idea. like you said, the person has to want it for themselves.
so start talking about you are helping your friend lose weight with the buddy system. (or that you use mfp)
use the statistic that one is 4times more successful at weight loss when they do it with family and friends.
mention how you have lost weight and how doing it with another person is way more fun.
if hes into cooking show him all the fun tasty healthy recipes.
also tell him to cut out grains. if he does he will lose about 6 lbs without even trying.
tell him to start slow. go on 20 min walks every day walks also help lower blood pressure and distress people.
you buy healthy food and show him that healthy food can be tasty too!
show him the tools he needs so he can continue after you leave.
also if you catch him eating something healthy acknowledge him.
he justs needs a shove in the right direction0 -
I'm buying for everyone. I just want him to be healthy and have a good life which I know he doesn't have right now. I just wish there was some magic fairy dust or something to get him motivated.
I hear you. I have family members who have been doing the crash diet and yo-yo thing for years, and I feel the same way. It's very frustrating, but in the end, they have to want it. You just can't make people want to be healthy and live well when they don't want to.
My advice is just to set a good example, work on being as happy and content as you can in your life, and offer as much loving support to them as you can.
As for the food, just choose a variety of items and make sure you get some lighter options for you and others that don't want to overindulge alongside food items you know they would enjoy. Try to do a balanced approach.0 -
Hi, I wouldn't talk to him about his eating habits. By now he's very much aware and is choosing his lifestyle. I would suggest that you take care of yourself and talk to him about each of buying your own foods, since your tastes are way different.0
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I feel your pain!! My brother is obese and has had many health issues! The last time he had a "scare" my sister (his wife) in law encouraged us all to talk to my brother. She lives a healthy life style and exercises and tries to encourage him to do so as well. My sister, other brother and I gingerly talked to him about exercise, watching his diet and tools like MFP; we encouraged him and shared with him what we do and then dropped the subject. The reality is that unless HE wants it there is nothing we all can do but encourage him. I WISH he would do something about his health but beyond encouraging him there is nothing else that can be done.0
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Thanks everyone! I really like the idea of not being judgmental and also getting a variety of foods. He's a super picky eater and once threw a tomato slice at me because i hid it in his sandwich! If he brings up weight, I'll talk about it. I just want to be super encouraging but at the same time, I don't want to see him kill himself with food.0
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all you can do is lead by example. I have a daughter in law that is in the 400lb area and when they visit (they live in another state), we just make sure there isn't a ton of crap for her to eat. We can't really control her portions, but we can control what those portions are. They usually visit for Christmas and we learned a long time ago if there was anything "yummy" in the house, it would disappear overnight.0
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I have the same issue with my best friend. There's really not much you can do besides lead by example. If they don't want it for themselves, it wont work.0
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He's a super picky eater and once threw a tomato slice at me because i hid it in his sandwich!
Yikes, what a jerk move!0 -
He's a super picky eater and once threw a tomato slice at me because i hid it in his sandwich!
Yikes, what a jerk move!
It was pretty funny though! I got the ladies at the local supermarket to hide it in his sub. The next day when I told them what happened, they laughed. I learned to never try that again.0 -
I was that guy 3 years ago and my family tried for the better half of a decade with interventions, but every time they tried it did only one thing Pissed Me Off!!! because in my mind I didn't have the problem, they did.... Until I realized they had decided to move on with life and had resided to the fact I was going to eat myself to death was the only time the light actually came on... It was a 50/50 chance that it would happen and at 560 lbs, and homebound I had one hell of a road to travel but until it was something I wanted to partake in there was nothing anyone could have done to sway me... Best advice lead by example, love them unconditionally and don't harp at them about anything dealing with weight, food, etc... It has to be their choice, I know that sucks but trust me I know.... Best of Luck....0
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all you can do is lead by example. I have a daughter in law that is in the 400lb area and when they visit (they live in another state), we just make sure there isn't a ton of crap for her to eat. We can't really control her portions, but we can control what those portions are. They usually visit for Christmas and we learned a long time ago if there was anything "yummy" in the house, it would disappear overnight.
So right, Lead by example, don't buy crap. You have been put in charge of the food. You might want to compromise some, like baking a pumpkin pie using Equal. (my family still doesn't know about the equal).
My "little" brother once lost all his weight. That's when he met his now ex-wife. He decided he wanted to eat what they were eating, but he didn't watch his portions and gained it all back within a couple years. He went from 350 down to 200 and is now close to 400 lbs. She was always on him for his weight, and finally gave up on him. Now they are divorced. You would think if he still wants to be with her and his weight is a major obsticle, he would do something about it. He says he's not motivated. My husband wonders if a heart attack will get him motivated. He's the only one who can make that choice.0 -
quick question: has he always been overweight? are your parents overweight?0
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I was that guy 3 years ago and my family tried for the better half of a decade with interventions, but every time they tried it did only one thing Pissed Me Off!!! because in my mind I didn't have the problem, they did.... Until I realized they had decided to move on with life and had resided to the fact I was going to eat myself to death was the only time the light actually came on... It was a 50/50 chance that it would happen and at 560 lbs, and homebound I had one hell of a road to travel but until it was something I wanted to partake in there was nothing anyone could have done to sway me... Best advice lead by example, love them unconditionally and don't harp at them about anything dealing with weight, food, etc... It has to be their choice, I know that sucks but trust me I know.... Best of Luck....
Wow! thank you for this! I guess the consensus it to back off and just do what i do.
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All you can be in charge of is yourself. I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure he knows he's overweight or obese and knows the dangers, he doesn't need you to point it out for him. Eventually, he'll find that he can't do things he wants to do because of his weight. When that is the case, and he wants it bad enough, he'll change.0
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quick question: has he always been overweight? are your parents overweight?
when we were younger he wasn't, but then my parents started gaining and we didn't eat very healthy. the only drinks we had were soda and lunch was always bologna sandwiches. When I was in 6th grade I dropped the soda and bologna and sweets. My dad started working out and losing weight and I followed his example while my brother and mom just kept eating and making excuses.0 -
quick question: has he always been overweight? are your parents overweight?
when we were younger he wasn't, but then my parents started gaining and we didn't eat very healthy. the only drinks we had were soda and lunch was always bologna sandwiches. When I was in 6th grade I dropped the soda and bologna and sweets. My dad started working out and losing weight and I followed his example while my brother and mom just kept eating and making excuses.
I'm so happy you took charge of your health. Maybe you can try to influence them by DOING or even bring a cookbook--with "light recipes" and when you get ready to leave don't take it with you. Hopefully he'll get inspired!0 -
Life is Fragile- handle with prayer! Sometimes that's all we can do.
How long is the visit?0 -
Are they on Facebook? If so, take lots of pictures and put them up on Facebook. That helped to nudge me along.0
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so start talking about you are helping your friend lose weight with the buddy system. (or that you use mfp)
use the statistic that one is 4times more successful at weight loss when they do it with family and friends.
mention how you have lost weight and how doing it with another person is way more fun.
if hes into cooking show him all the fun tasty healthy recipes.
also tell him to cut out grains. if he does he will lose about 6 lbs without even trying.
tell him to start slow. go on 20 min walks every day walks also help lower blood pressure and distress people.
you buy healthy food and show him that healthy food can be tasty too!
show him the tools he needs so he can continue after you leave.
also if you catch him eating something healthy acknowledge him.
he justs needs a shove in the right direction
If any of my family did this I would have tossed them out a window.
Lead by example, do not thrust your way of life on them; buy what everyone wants you can always make healthy options.0 -
dont talk to him about it...at least not yet. it really depends on the person but some people get discouraged when they know they are fat and feel helpless and give up before even trying to start the weight loss process...so figure out how your brother reacts to things..
i personally would make him think that weight loss was HIS idea. like you said, the person has to want it for themselves.
so start talking about you are helping your friend lose weight with the buddy system. (or that you use mfp)
use the statistic that one is 4times more successful at weight loss when they do it with family and friends.
mention how you have lost weight and how doing it with another person is way more fun.
if hes into cooking show him all the fun tasty healthy recipes.
also tell him to cut out grains. if he does he will lose about 6 lbs without even trying.
tell him to start slow. go on 20 min walks every day walks also help lower blood pressure and distress people.
you buy healthy food and show him that healthy food can be tasty too!
show him the tools he needs so he can continue after you leave.
also if you catch him eating something healthy acknowledge him.
he justs needs a shove in the right direction
Sorry to disagree but you can not force this kind of change on someone with this mindset.... It is impossible and will totally fail until such a time that the individual in question has reached that rock bottom point and wants the change for themselves. Until then you are barking up the wrong tree. Having lived this and being where I was (suicide was at that time, at the top of my list) the only thing that saved me was the fact my family had sat idly by waiting on me to ask those 2 words they had waited a decade to hear....... "Help me" until then it was pointless..... Just my Two Cents...0 -
make it about YOU...
message him ahead of time, and tell him, no matter how silly it may seem to him, you have been very conscious of your recent eating and exercise habits because of x,y,z (you are worried about the impact of your stressful life, you know someone that was impacted by..., you are afraid of..., etc.)
Tell him you understand that this is about family time and visiting and good memories, blah blah blah and it's probably not what he is accustomed to and you don't want to make anyone else miserable, but could they maybe work to accommodate your current lifestyle and temporarily remove any temptations during your visit... Tell him you aren't trying to be selfish, but you do take this very seriously and it is very important to you. Tell him if you are around family and supportive people and busy and interacting, it will help keep you on track.
It might work - to some degree anyways...0 -
wow so many responses!
I'm going to be with them for about a week I think. We'll be in NYC for a few days so we'll definitely be going out for a few meals. I think they have some cookbooks, but don't cook often. They have facebook, but I don't want to embarrass them or make them feel ashamed if i post pictures. Maybe I'll be surprised and they will have slimmed down since I last saw them 5 months ago :] 0 -
I recall being picked on when I was heavier by my peers, but my family/friends would defend me by telling me I was curvy, I had a nice figure, "built like Beyonce", "men like curves on women", that whole deal. Looking back at pictures, I was FAT and unhealthy.
Although I imagine I would have have been defensive at first, I would have LOVED for my brothers (thin their whole lives very loving, active, and never judgmental of me) to sit me down and tell me how much they loved me and wanted me to be healthy, and around for a very long time. I know that as a human being (especially as a girl!) I would have been taken aback at first and maybe offended, but I would have been touched by my siblings request for me to be there for them forever. It would have invoked some serious soul searching.
While it is their choice, I feel you're entitled to ask your big brother to be around for the next 50+ years for you because you love him. Both of my brothers are older and while they may get ticked off when the little sister nags, I know they would still remember what I said and maybe cool down for a bit, and consider my feelings. I hope yours would do the same.
Just let him know that you need a big brother, for many more decades.0 -
make it about YOU...
message him ahead of time, and tell him, no matter how silly it may seem to him, you have been very conscious of your recent eating and exercise habits because of x,y,z (you are worried about the impact of your stressful life, you know someone that was impacted by..., you are afraid of..., etc.)
Tell him you understand that this is about family time and visiting and good memories, blah blah blah and it's probably not what he is accustomed to and you don't want to make anyone else miserable, but could they maybe work to accommodate your current lifestyle and temporarily remove any temptations during your visit... Tell him you aren't trying to be selfish, but you do take this very seriously and it is very important to you. Tell him if you are around family and supportive people and busy and interacting, it will help keep you on track.
It might work - to some degree anyways...
^Like!! Awesome idea!0 -
One piece of advice I didn't see here - are there any foods from your childhood, maybe specific to your ethnicity, that you could make for your brother and his wife while you visit? There might be something healthy that has a certain 'nostalgia' factor that is just plain delicious that they could incorporate into their diets a bit more if you only just remind them of it.0
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